An almost 10 month update ~ I am still grieving. Husband/Neighbor situation.

[stillafool]

14 minutes ago, matildag said:

I don't have proof.

 

4 hours ago, matildag said:

her hiding proves that they are guilty

I thought this was your proof?

[RebeccaR]

I don’t see how your current home life is better than divorce for you and your kids. Tell me, if you got proof they never had sex (which is impossible to prove, btw) would you go back to a happy and trusting relationship? Sounds like this marriage is over no matter what.

[peachpie]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

 

I thought this was your proof?

I don't mean to be offensive but I know you have experience being an OW and I don't have any interest in hearing your bold remarks. This is a place to vent, not be bullied.

[stillafool]

17 minutes ago, matildag said:

I don't mean to be offensive but I know you have experience being an OW and I don't have any interest in hearing your bold remarks. This is a place to vent, not be bullied.

Wrong! I've never been an OW so I don't know how you came up with that lie.  I'm a happily married woman.

[peachpie]

48 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Wrong! I've never been an OW so I don't know how you came up with that lie.  I'm a happily married woman.

I saw your posts on the OM/OW page. and your name is "Still a Fool." You don't seem happy.

You are very harsh, though, and you have close to 22,000 posts. I don't know what you are doing on this board and the other man/woman board if you are happy.

Take Care!

Edited November 19, 2020 by matildag

[stillafool]

I'm on every board on this forum that is why I have so many posts.  I'm here to try to help people as well as amuse myself.  Have you ever seen a post of mine on the OW/OM forum condoning their actions?    Where on there did I say I was involved in an affair since you accused me of being  an OW which is a flat out lie?

[peachpie]

You defend the OW and you are on that board, too, and your name "StillAFool" and your bitterness.

I work so I don't have time for this.

People come on these boards to be supported and you've attacked me. I'm not answering you any longer.

I think you need a new hobby.

[mark clemson]

10 hours ago, matildag said:

We’ve been fighting for 9 months about going to a place with his SIM card to retrieve messages.

One thought would be he's trickle truthing and there's more to this.

It's also possible that he fears being harangued about each and every detail/text and having you very triggered and constantly hanging all the details over his head. In a way you doing that would beunderstandable, since you're so distraught, but in a way HIS view of that possibility is actually understandable too. No one wants to set themselves up for being beaten up constantly if they can help it.

You've probably tried this, but JIC - consider making a solemn promise not to bash him about details in the texts IF there isn't much more to it than he's already told you. Not sure it will work, but possibly worth a shot. That way there's (in theory) really only one reason to not get the phone analyzed.

Another line of reasoning would be - if he can't show you the phone, then why stay together? I don't recommend divorcing, and that's NOT a recommendation, but it IS a possible line of thinking about this that some folks would have.

[Noproblem]

Why don't you leave your cheating husband and be free?

Even if he didn't cheat, you clearly don't trust him, so you should end this marriage!

Edited November 20, 2020 by Noproblem

[merrmeade]

7 hours ago, mark clemson said:

One thought would be he's trickle truthing and there's more to this.

It's also possible that he fears being harangued about each and every detail/text and having you very triggered and constantly hanging all the details over his head. In a way you doing that would beunderstandable, since you're so distraught, but in a way HIS view of that possibility is actually understandable too. No one wants to set themselves up for being beaten up constantly if they can help it.

You've probably tried this, but JIC - consider making a solemn promise not to bash him about details in the texts IF there isn't much more to it than he's already told you. Not sure it will work, but possibly worth a shot. That way there's (in theory) really only one reason to not get the phone analyzed.

Another line of reasoning would be - if he can't show you the phone, then why stay together? I don't recommend divorcing, and that's NOT a recommendation, but it IS a possible line of thinking about this that some folks would have.

It is so painful to be told this when you are simply TRYING to get out of your own hell. Think about it: You know that you’ve been cheated on. You’re not even given the dignity of an explanation. And you’re supposed to worry about not annoying him??

[Caauug]

9 hours ago, matildag said:

This is a place to vent, not be bullied.

You are doing well so far. Keep up the good work!!!

Your husband is so lucky to have you. There are not too many women out there that will stand by their man after the amount he has disrespected you and then direct so much anger toward the OW. I understand she is guilty and she is showing signs of guilt, I am not siding with her. 

Just a couple of questions to ask yourself....

You are willing to forgive your husband, what is to stop him jumping the side fence again once everything has blown over in 2 yrs time? 

This affair has lasted for years, there would have been affection displayed between them, what are the chances of love shared between them? Is that why they are not giving each other up?

This is not the first time your husband has displayed poor behavior. What is to stop him from repeating and dragging you into this mess again with someone new?

You are displaying lots of deep love you have for your husband under the circumstances. This is a good start, but it is not enough if it is only one sided. Your husband also must fight BESIDE you, not against you.

Most of us here have felt your pain to some degree previously. I would think most of us took the easy road and ended the relationship, that is why the comments slant that direction. You want to believe your husband's innocents but have found the OW guilty.... Some of us have a problem with that!!! Please think about that. I am not trying to attack or bully you, only give you a few things to think about.

All things considered I think you are doing well. Most people would have given up and separated. It takes a lot of work to save a marriage after that much damage, you are brave for trying. I wish you all the best. 

It will take two to rebuild your marriage, you can not do it on your own. Your husband has to help.

[peachpie]

Thanks, everyone.

 

Edited November 20, 2020 by matildag

[mark clemson]

9 hours ago, merrmeade said:

It is so painful to be told this when you are simply TRYING to get out of your own hell. Think about it: You know that you’ve been cheated on. You’re not even given the dignity of an explanation. And you’re supposed to worry about not annoying him??

Fair enough, I can see how that could be true. However, if you want to get a partner to do something they're not inclined to do without resorting to ultimatums/scorched earth or force in some way, it's necessary to try to take or understand their perspective and work with that knowledge in mind.

If OP is really in THAT much pain from all this, she can always leave. She's choosing not to, but she wants him to share the contents of the phone to spare herself the pain of uncertainty. What is your suggestion for accomplishing that? Steal it? Threatening divorce over it could work; it could also result in divorce.

Her husband seems to want to stick around. I strongly suspect he's doing everything in his power to make her distress as bearable for him as possible. That may be selfish, but being the punching bag for your distressed partner to vent on isn't something many folks are inclined to do, even if they triggered much of the distress through their own action. That's just life.

I don't think there is an ideal solution here. Perhaps you'd want the husband to cater to ALL of OP's needs. Clearly that's not happening. If in your mind it's better that they divorce, you're free to suggest that. I was making (what I feel are) are reasonable suggestions to accomplish the goals OP seems to want accomplished (and providing rationale for why those actions might make sense) within the parameters OP seems to be setting (keeping her marriage). If you feel that's insensitive, well, I'm sorry. I didn't put OP in this situation, I'm just trying to help her.

Frankly I hear MUCH more insensitive suggestions from the BS side of things around here. "Go tell their boss about their workplace affair and see if they lose their jobs" and "go get DNA tests for the kids (in cases where it's not actually warranted)" being among them. And there never seems to be much worry about blowback for the OP with suggestions like that either. Hmmm.

Edited November 20, 2020 by mark clemson

[SRCSRC]

The fact that your husband is so reticent about retrieving past texts with the OW says it all.  Very likely he cheated.  Go into IC.  If the cheating is a deal breaker go get a lawyer and file.  If that doesn't get his attention to cooperate, it is clear beyond a reasonable doubt he cheated on you.  If he agrees to cooperate, a polygraph is a must.  So are all text retrievals.  You do not deserved to be kept in the dark.  Any way you slice it, his texting with the next door neighbor for so many years was  extremely inappropriate.  He must do everything to remove your suspicions.  Since he isn't you probably already know the truth.  Also, is the OW still married?  Tell you husband that you might have a talk with her husband if he doesn't come clean.   Good luck in what you decide.

Edited December 17, 2020 by SRCSRC

[Birdies]

On 11/17/2020 at 2:04 PM, matildag said:

What husband would allow his wife to suffer and grieve for 10 months, when he could have all along said, "Let's the 3 of us talk. There's nothing going on. I am sure she has the messages on her phone." His stance has always been "she's a friend." IF THEY WERE FRIENDS, THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN RESOLVED IN FEBRUARY. 

He's showing you he either had an inappropriate relationship and doesn't care to make it right, or he didn't but he doesn't care enough to prove it.  Either way, he's not devoted to your happiness and trust in the way a good husband should be.  File for divorce and see if that wakes him up.  If not, time to dump this loser.  Hugs!

[merrmeade]

Matildag: I’ve said before that I dealt with similar aspects in my situation, including years of obsessing on the OW; gaslighting, defensiveness and trickle-truthing from H; learning about the relationship through discovery of excessive communication between them; H’s intimidation at MC and then blowing up later. This took place over about five years, so10 months doesn’t sound like much. More comments below indented in italics:

On 11/17/2020 at 3:04 PM, matildag said:

It's been 9 1/2 months since I discovered my husband and next door neighbor had a secret 1:1 texting friendship. My phone bill only went as far back as 16 months but within that time frame, they had 181 private 1:1 exchanges, including a good 10 Friday phone calls from her ~ when he worked from home ~ for him to go over to her house, 1:1, to help her with various projects. He is NOT a handyman. Everything was a secret. I was at work and her husband was at work.

 TEXTS: I discovered over 500 texts over a 16-mo. period, some months averaging 17-25 a day. H and my sister-in-law had kept everything about their relationship secret. I was out of the country a lot or I would’ve notice sooner. 

I talked about this in the past on this board, and people instantly said to divorce him or get over it ~ I have children, a disabled child, I have a religion. We've been married over 20 years. You just don't divorce over assumptions of what they talked about. I don't have the tangible evidence and that's what's driving me INSANE.

This sense is real that there had to be more that you don’t know. You have to act on it. There’s no other way to find out.

For YEARS my husband randomly said what a lucky woman I was because he's SO faithful. That was a clue that he wasn't because I discovered sex jokes on his phone in 2012 with a woman while we were on a family vacation, and I saw on his work laptop that right at the start of work, they'd message nonstop back and forth with more sex jokes from him. He'd start every email with, "Good morning, my dear." He insisted he's a funny guy ~ which he is ~ and he was being funny, and she was "a mess" and he was simply passing the time at work. I believed him until he said to our marriage counselor last February that what he had with that woman was MORE than what he had with the neighbor. I was shocked to hear that because in 2012 I believed him when he said it was all in good fun and factory humor ~ I didn't know he was connected with her emotionally. Once that slipped out, he refused to go back to counseling, and I am suffering.

Yes, it’s not that you are unnaturally brooding over old stuff. It’s that you are just now finding out things that you hadn’t questioned before, explanations he’d given or excuses you might have made for him. We tend to assume our spouses are like us, have the same morals and boundaries, and we don’t pay attention. In your case, he hid it well. When you discovered the the sexting, he shut you up quickly with gaslighting and explanations/excuses that you accepted.

Getting back to the current situation ~ the neighbor is a self-proclaimed nympho. I knew she and my husband started texting when she moved in in 2005, but I didn't think anything of it as she was looking for house/yard advice, but in 2016 I intercepted a message of her making fun of me to him. That told me right away this wasn't the first negative comment about me, I had them end the texting friendship. NOW I DIDN'T TRUST EITHER ONE OF THEM. She LOVES men, told me she texted men sex jokes, and HE screwed up with his boss in 2012!

When I demanded the 1:1 texting stop, in front of her, my husband said, "What's WRONG with you? You are making a FOOL of yourself. She is a NEIGHBOR and a FRIEND! You are MY WIFE. I LOVE you!" I said to them both to please stop the 1:1 texting that it made me uncomfortable. She said, "That's a weird request because all my friends are married men and wives don't mind. Your husband helps me. Can I CC you if I need his help?" I said yes ~ I don't mind him helping you, we can be neighbors, I don't want the 1:1 texting. I don't believe in opposite sex texting friendships.

“... all my friends are married men and wives don’t mind.” That was your red flag. My SIL intimidated me and put me on the defensive, tried to argue like this that it’s normal for married men to be friends with unmarried women and that I was the one with the hangup. This is because they can and you let them because you were trusting, you had relationships with them. Basically you gave them more credit than they deserved.

So that was August 2016. She deceived me from Aug. 2016-Feb. 2020 by cc-ing me on about 12 texts to my husband. I thought they ended the 1:1 and that was it for texts. 

When I found out in February 2020 that they CONTINUED the texting and kept it a secret, I FREAKED OUT on them both. My husband INSISTED it was just stupid yard work texts, but yet he deleted every single one of them as they came in and he answered them. He refused to retrieve any texts from his phone. When I confronted her, she pretended she was offended by my questioning, yet she wouldn't show me any texts, either.

You doubt because you are not used to believing he could lie to your face like that. They are on the defensive and scrambling to protect themselves. The only way to do that is to attack you and push you down. If you accept it and let him make you feel bad about doubting him, then it worked. 

From Aug. 2016-Feb. 2020, I repeatedly asked him if he was contacting her or vice versa, and he adamantly said NO.

I am now believing he did have sex with her, and I am in utter shock, because 9 1/2 months have past and this woman, who literally lives on top of our house ~ I have NOT seen! She parks behind her house since February and goes in and out through her basement. For 15 years her favorite hobby was yardwork in her tight shirts and yoga pants ~ now she has hired a landscaper ~ she will NOT be seen outside. She is SCARED to face me. 

One explanation my H gave me for the relationship was “propinquity.” Explanation it is not or excuse but the reasoning is true. It’s simply an obvious truth. When people are simply around each other a lot they become more and more familiar. If intimacy is possible, desire is there, it happens. It just does.

I thought if this was innocent texting banter, the 3 of us would come together as adults. If she said to me, "I know you said to stop texting him in 2016 and I should have, but you work full time and I didn't want to keep cc-ing you on annoying questions" ~ I would have BELIEVED her and forgiven her! I would have believed my husband!!!

It sounds like a full blown affair and not a friendship.

Yes, it does especially since there was opportunity, hours and days of it that you will never know about. 

1. When I discovered this betrayal in February, he BLOCKED her. Why? If we were all neighbors and friends, an adult conversation should have taken place immediately. He blocked her as a "break up." That's what it seems to me. I thought they were "friends"? If they are such good friends, wouldn't they have settled my mind and suspicions in February? Yes, I would have been mad they hid their friendship ~ there was no reason to have a hidden friendship! If she knocked on the door when I was home or called him when I was home, I would have thought nothing of it. The only reason for the secrecy is it has to be an affair, right?  If they were such good friends, wouldn't they save their friendship and my feelings? NO, BECAUSE IT WAS AN AFFAIR! Am I

That’s right. My H and SIL told themselves - at least she told me - that they didn’t let me know about their close friendship because I wouldn’t understand. She never actually said “they” and he never said this. Once it was out, he there were no more efforts to shift blame.

2. He refuses marriage counseling and text retrieval. I've been crying about this on/off for 9 1/2 months. Why won't he cough up money and do it? I tried Dr. Fone and it didn't work for her texts. I retrieved other texts from family, but not her texts. I believe he did something to perm. delete her texts. Why if they were only about "yard work"? When I bring it up the whole scandal he says, "YOU ARE DESTROYING THIS FAMILY. CUT THE B.S. I HAVE PROVEN TO YOU I AM FAITHFUL." But he hasn't. He says he is getting chest pains and I am killing him, but an easy solution is to retrieve the text messages. He won't. 

This you cannot let happen - him blaming you for the problem. Don’t put up with that for one minute. Know that liars are louder and more indignant in their remonstrations and denials than innocent people. 

3. Her behavior shows me she is scared to face me. If she acted normal and continued to hang out in her front yard, and parked in front of her house I may have believed my husband. Everyone says to stop caring about her ~ I don't care about her ~ HER BEHAVIOR IS SHOWING ME SHE HAS SOMETHING MORE TO HIDE THAN JUST SENDING MY HUSBAND INNOCENT TEXTS.

4. What normal woman would live next door to a woman who assumes you and her husband were in an affair, you have proof to clear your name, but you won't. . . Does that make sense? NO, BECAUSE SHE WAS 100% IN AN AFFAIR with my husband. She always pretended to be my friend ~ always prying me to discuss my sex life. I can't believe I didn't see it. She kept telling me people need sexual releases ~ I think she was confessing to something and I think that's why she can't face me.

Listen to your gut. They are scared of being outed. The loud efforts to intimidate you are to throw you off and simply make you back down much as a snarling animal is trying to make another back off out of fear.

5. What husband would allow his wife to suffer and grieve for 10 months, when he could have all along said, "Let's the 3 of us talk. There's nothing going on. I am sure she has the messages on her phone." His stance has always been "she's a friend." IF THEY WERE FRIENDS, THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN RESOLVED IN FEBRUARY. 

Don’t get too wound up in this because in your case, he’s got too much to lose. He lets you suffer because it’s better than being truthful.

Thank you for listening. I just feel like I am loosing my mind. When I talk to him, I start to think I am blowing this out of proportion, but if I was, she wouldn't be avoiding me. She'd have nothing to hide.

It won’t change unless you make some kind of move.

You have two issues as I see it: getting the truth from your husband and getting over her. 

1st,. getting the truth out of your husband. One thing you can do is simply push until he is cornered and explodes with the truth. It’s hard and unpleasant but it works. AND DON’T think it spells the end. Far from it. He may be scary angry, but it’s just the inner battle going on that is trying to protect himself. THey’re usually most attention, apologetic and sweet a day or two after a trickle-truth episode. 

If this doesn’t work, you have to follow through with your threats simply because it’s too hard on you. Do whatever you’ve thought about doing. You pack and go somewhere, or you pack his bags and send him out - until he’s ready to come clean with everything that happened. He still will probably have trouble just giving you a narrative. You’ll have to ask questions. 

Know that even then he might try to get away with a partial truth and you’ll have to do it again later. But, I understand. You do have to know.

2nd, her. I did this — wrote letter after letter I didn’t mail, email after email, imagining her apologetic and remorseful. DIdn’t happen. 

3rd and really a reslt of the other two, you really do need to do IC. That is how I finally was able to”move o,n,” but also I’d gotten enough information by then. Therapy enabled me to take care of myself and make that a priority.  I could not have done it, however, had not felt that I knew all that I needed to know. 

The thing that finally really and truly enabled me to let go of my never-ending need to make her understand - which is what I see you doing - was realizing that she was simply UNABLE to view me, the world,, the truth about herself any other way than the story she’d created. She’ll never understand what she did wrong and be bothered by it. She’ll always have an excuse and need to blame someone else. 

I think that is the only way to get closure. You have to realize that you can’t change them, and unless they change they’ll never give you any more satisfaction at the utter indignity done to you. You just have to accept that they are the ones who are damaged goods and not worth your effort. 

Before you decide what to do about your husband, you need the truth. Either take that phone somewhere yourself or get another program to retrieve the messages. Get more information. 

 

 

[pepperbird2]

op,

t sounds to me like this has been going on for some time. That means your spouse has had lots of chances to square this all away in his own mind. It could even be that he really doesn't think he did anything wrong. Some WS are like that. they convince themselves they were justified in their actions. If he is that sort, you may not be able to convince him otherwise.

[LivingWaterPlease]

On 11/19/2020 at 5:25 PM, matildag said:

You defend the OW and you are on that board, too, and your name "StillAFool" and your bitterness.

I work so I don't have time for this.

People come on these boards to be supported and you've attacked me. I'm not answering you any longer.

I think you need a new hobby.

matildag, I just read your entire thread here. I'm not sure if you're done with the thread or not. But, I just want to comment as a kindness to you that to me, stillafool was very helpful to you and is not an OW. Yet you seem angry, suspicious, and accusatory with her, insisting that she is a bitter OW when she isn't. You have no evidence for this judgement. She seemed kind to you. And she's not an OW.

I am concerned you could also be angry, suspicious and accusatory with your H and the "OW" based on similar assessments and unwarranted suspicions.

If everything you wrote about your H and your exfriend are based on reality, I'd encourage you to divorce your H. But, if they are based on the same criteria you used to judge stillafool, I'd encourage you to get into IC asap.

Again, you are here for help. I post this with the kindest of intentions for your best good!

[merrmeade]

1 hour ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

matildag, I just read your entire thread here. I'm not sure if you're done with the thread or not. But, I just want to comment as a kindness to you that to me, stillafool was very helpful to you and is not an OW. Yet you seem angry, suspicious, and accusatory with her, insisting that she is a bitter OW when she isn't. You have no evidence for this judgement. She seemed kind to you. And she's not an OW.

I am concerned you could also be angry, suspicious and accusatory with your H and the "OW" based on similar assessments and unwarranted suspicions.

If everything you wrote about your H and your exfriend are based on reality, I'd encourage you to divorce your H. But, if they are based on the same criteria you used to judge stillafool, I'd encourage you to get into IC asap.

Again, you are here for help. I post this with the kindest of intentions for your best good!

I get all these perspectives now, but when I was in Matildag’s position and point in time, there was certain advice that was counterproductive at that time. Stillafool means well and was a steadfast responder but telling M. over and over to forget the neighbor b-tch and move on is like saying just stop obsessing. Just stop smoking; just do it. Just lose 50 pounds; just do it. This is where the IC is critical. That person will walk Matildag at her own pace through the steps to clarity, autonomy and freedom.

[LivingWaterPlease]

17 minutes ago, merrmeade said:

I get all these perspectives now, but when I was in Matildag’s position and point in time, there was certain advice that was counterproductive at that time. Stillafool means well and was a steadfast responder but telling M. over and over to forget the neighbor b-tch and move on is like saying just stop obsessing. Just stop smoking; just do it. Just lose 50 pounds; just do it. This is where the IC is critical. That person will walk Matildag at her own pace through the steps to clarity, autonomy and freedom.

Thanks for your kind response, merrmeade! I followed your very difficult story, too, and really appreciate your points of view as from all I've read you are consistent in your story and kind to all. I'm hesitant to reply to the above as I think we're maybe not supposed to talk about OP to each other on the forum. I think that was the protocol on the older LS but could be wrong about instructions to posters on this newer LS. What is your understanding about this (back and forth about OP)?

 

[oldtruck]

On 11/19/2020 at 6:05 AM, matildag said:

This response is upsetting because she is an interloper in a marriage. She doesn’t want to be “bothered “ with me and she’s “not obligated” to explain herself? I beg to differ. She pretended she was my friend for 15 years.

I have “no obligation” to keep her behavior secret from her husband then! I was saving HER marriage. I have not told him a word!
 

it seems people responding on this board relate to the OW. I don’t have respect for people who are the OW and I don’t believe the OW has a voice in someone else’s marriage , do you?

 

 

said the pot to  the kettle

 

you are just as bad as this OW for your actions are assisting her in betraying her BH.

this poor man deserves the truth and you are denying him the truth. you are letting

him to continue his life based on a lie.

[merrmeade]

On 12/21/2020 at 3:39 PM, oldtruck said:

said the pot to  the kettle

 

you are just as bad as this OW for your actions are assisting her in betraying her BH.

this poor man deserves the truth and you are denying him the truth. you are letting

him to continue his life based on a lie.

Matildag,  I have NO idea what that post is talking about but it can’t be seriously talking about YOUR husband as “poor man.” But you don’t have to answer each one. Any post that is not helpful, you can ignore. We can’t expect that all posters will sympathize, agree or support us. The thing is we don’t “own” even threads that we ourselves start. The website does. Unfortunately we don’t get to uninvite people and it has to be pretty egregious to justify asking mods to remove a post - though it doesn’t hurt to ask them either. 

I’m sorry things have felt off-track for you but we’ve all experienced this - someone monopolizes the thread; someone else goes off in a tangent. YouN can just answer the ones that relate. 

Basically, I think you deserve the truth from your husband, but you cannot expect to get it from the neighbor. A real confession of what exactly happened when your husband went over to her house. It’s normal that it’s upsetting you and continues building to this level of rage. 

No matter what anyone says you “should” do - forgive and move on, for example, or what your H says you should do - there are no “shoulds” that will turn off the powerful emotions you feel. I feel you have to give your husband an ultimatum and then stick by it. 

[oldtruck]

5 hours ago, merrmeade said:

Matildag,  I have NO idea what that post is talking about but it can’t be seriously talking about YOUR husband as “poor man.” But you don’t have to answer each one. Any post that is not helpful, you can ignore. We can’t expect that all posters will sympathize, agree or support us. The thing is we don’t “own” even threads that we ourselves start. The website does. Unfortunately we don’t get to uninvite people and it has to be pretty egregious to justify asking mods to remove a post - though it doesn’t hurt to ask them either. 

I’m sorry things have felt off-track for you but we’ve all experienced this - someone monopolizes the thread; someone else goes off in a tangent. YouN can just answer the ones that relate. 

Basically, I think you deserve the truth from your husband, but you cannot expect to get it from the neighbor. A real confession of what exactly happened when your husband went over to her house. It’s normal that it’s upsetting you and continues building to this level of rage. 

No matter what anyone says you “should” do - forgive and move on, for example, or what your H says you should do - there are no “shoulds” that will turn off the powerful emotions you feel. I feel you have to give your husband an ultimatum and then stick by it. 

the OP is a BW

OP husband is a WH

WH's AP is an OW

OW is a WW

this WW's husband is a BH. this BH deserves the truth. that his WW is having an

affair with OP's WH. the OP must tell this BH/OWH that his WW is having an affair

with her WH.

 

this is not about getting truth from a neighbor it is about telling the other BS the

truth that their spouse is having an affair. exposing the affair is the best way to

end affair. with the other BS aware it makes it harder for the AP to restart 

the affair. also quite often the other BS can know things that will catch their

own WS lying and help end the trickle truthing. to finally get the real truth 

from their own WS.

 

[merrmeade]

Okay, my bad I guess. I must have missed  posts about the OW’s husband. Don’t remember anything about such a being in all this. I thought the excuse for getting OP’s WH to come over was to fix things, from which I assumed OW was living alone.