Engaged -- broken proposal but wants to stay together

[medev88]

I am finding myself so tangled in my feelings right now. My mindset and mood keep cycling between 1. Sadness and giving up   2. Trying harder but with much anxiety

My Partner and I have been together for coming up on 5 years. I am 30 and my partner is 27.  Just 2 months ago, we became engaged for marriage. We had been discussing the idea and had agreed it was something we both wanted. However,  I proposed at the beach, privately and received a hesitant answer. By hesitant, not immediate -- it was not until the next day. The answer was Yes.

It seemed to me that my SO was excited. There were lots of people who had approached me, congratulating us over the next couple of weeks-- including some of SO's coworkers. 

One day, about a month after accepting the proposal, we were at brunch with some friends. One of the mutual friend's mother said "congratulations! I heard you two are engaged!". My SO spoke up and said "not until I get a REAL proposal". I was caught totally off guard and didn't know what to say.

Later, we discussed this but my SO had convinced me that my proposal wasn't "thoughtful enough" and not a "real proposal".  Long story short, What we ultimately decided on was for both of us to wear a ring to display our commitment, that each would give to the other within 30 days. We went together, where my SO's original ring was resized, and I received my size. 30 days passed, but I had not been given a ring.

This past weekend, we were out with friends. I began feeling a bit sick, because we had all been drinking for almost 8 hours, and was ready to go home. My SO stayed out, which I did not mind at all. My SO didn't come home that night but had texted about staying at our friend's. That was also fine. The next morning however, my SO is crying on my shoulder and spilling lots of beans.

1. There was inappropriate sexual contact with someone else who had also spent the night at our friend's the same night. And that it had happened another time back in the summer with a different person while also intoxicated.

Then I was told "I only did this because it was something you wanted" (the engagement). Yes, it is something that I wanted -- but I thought it was mutual? Since we had discussed it and the answer I was given was YES. Followed by "You're so good to me and I don't know why. I wish i loved you as much as you love me... i could never put up with someone who puts you through the things that I have".  My SO then stated that "I want to make this better. Its not that i dont see a future together, i just dont know how to think about the future. i know that may sound crazy but i never think about anything in future-tense"

Lastly, my SO wants to remain together.

I am just entirely confused. I don't know what to do. It doesn't make sense to me. 

[schlumpy]

I think you should withdraw your proposal. It is not well received. She is a cake eater.

The essence of what she is now is what she will be in the future. Is that what you are looking forward to?

 

[Watercolors]

It sounds like hookups are what your fiance likes to do and he/she didn't take your proposal that serious because maybe they view you as a 5 year hookup?

They want to stay together probably for the financial reasons; roof over his/her head and that stability of having someone around as a roommate.

I think it's clear that this person you've spent 5 years with never viewed you as a serious commitment from the start, as he/she told you as such. If you think this is the best you can do for a romantic partner, then I feel like you have really settled for the bottom of the barrel. Settling for someone who outright tells you they don't even consider you long term relationship material for themselves is pretty hurtful but also their way of being honest with you. Add to the fact that he/she has been having sex with your friends and their friends throughout your 5 year relationship and you have someone who is unwilling to commit to you (or to anyone for that matter).

Quote

"You're so good to me and I don't know why. I wish i loved you as much as you love me... i could never put up with someone who puts you through the things that I have".  My SO then stated that "I want to make this better. Its not that i dont see a future together, i just dont know how to think about the future. i know that may sound crazy but i never think about anything in future-tense"

Sounds like you attached yourself to someone who is very immature an self-centered. What is there to be confused about other than, ask yourself why you chose this emotionally and physically unavailable person to be with for 5 years? The people we choose to be in a relationship with also reflect how we feel about ourselves.

For reasons only you know, you chose the wrong person to be with for 5 years. And you knew they were wrong for you but you chose them anyway. You justified staying throughout the five years while knowing this person sleeps around and you enabled it by not confronting it. And here you are asking what to do? You know what to do. But you just won't do it.

We can't answer that question for you. Only you can answer that question. Only you can hold yourself accountable for your own choices. We can't do that for you. No one can hold you accountable. You are an adult. You have to learn to hold yourself and others accountable for yours and their actions or you will never have a successful relationship.

Edited November 17, 2020 by Watercolors

[Cookiesandough]

I would say she isn’t taking the relationship as seriously as you are and she does not want to commit to you. I am speaking as a woman who said yes to a proposal and  broke it. It’s very hard if not impossible to reject a proposal. Even though I  knew I wouldn’t commit. 

Edited November 17, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, medev88 said:

Lastly, my SO wants to remain together.

I am just entirely confused. I don't know what to do. It doesn't make sense to me. 

It doesn't make sense to you because you think your SO is honest thoughtful person who loves you.  They aren't. 

You offered a wonderful proposal at the beach.  They said yes albeit reluctantly.  1st red flag. 

Then they embarrassed you in front of others by diminishing the quality of the proposal.  You just don't do that.  It's mean.  2nd red flag. 

Then they promised you a ring which wasn't forthcoming.  They broke a promise & essentially lied to you.  3rd red flag

Now you find out that after you proposed when you were supposedly engaged, they cheated on you & blamed alcohol.  4th $& 5th red flags  (cheating + can't handle alcohol or take responsibility for their own choices) 

On top of that you are getting trickle truth because there was at least one other incident of infidelity.  6th red flag 

Finally they are offering up lame excuses about not being good enough.  Take them at their word.  They suck.  See all the red flags above. 

 

You cannot trust the lying cheater who has no respect for you.  This isn't going to end well.   What are you going to do spend all the money on a wedding then find out they got drunk at the rehearsal dinner & had sex with somebody else the night before the wedding?  or got drunk at the wedding & had sex with one of your attendants?  Gee, maybe they will wait until the honeymoon & bang an exotic tourist (assuming travel is ever allowed with Covid) or maybe you will have the pleasure of coming home early one day & finding your spouse in your bed with another person.  

Just don't put yourself through those horrors.  Now that your SO has proven to be untrustworthy & basically despicable, be done.  It sucks.  Your pain must be unbearable but better now then afterwards.  

Edited November 18, 2020 by d0nnivain

[boymommy]

What I would say is that there are so HUGE incompatibilities here. I'm not sure why your SO agreed to discuss marriage/proposals other then perhaps they're more a people pleaser and perhaps felt like they wanted to go along with what you wanted. BUT then you actually proposed and WOAH, things just got a little bit more real then! That's more then just trying to please you..now it's jumped into the realm of an ACTUAL COMMITTMENT and I don't think your SO is in a place to do this or at least not with you. I'm so sorry to say this because you have put 5 years into this relationship. I honestly would break things off completely and move on. Yes that will be hard but if you are looking for marriage and a true faithful partner who loves you the way you love them then you won't find it with your current partner. Again, I am so sorry. But better to find out now then after you are married. Trust me on that one. 

Edited November 18, 2020 by boymommy

[Milly May June]

Marriage is a long term committment. And it has it ups and downs resting on main pillars based on love, trust, friendship, mutual respect, committment and intimacy. When choosing a life long partner ask yourself if this person fulfills those criteriums. It seems like your partner is missing a few, namely love, trust, respect for you. I think deep down you know what you need to do. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, medev88 said:

 my SO wants to remain together.

Sorry to hear that. Do you live together?

What does she mean by "stay together"?

It seems she is pushing you away in every way possible. While it's a passive-aggressive approach ... acting out, cheating, being hurtful, etc. Her actions indicate that she doesn't want to stay together.

Step way back from this. Don't try to fix or forgive. Does she have drinking, substance abuse or untreated mental health issues?

[notbroken]

Marriage won't fix this.   Your partner will still be untrustworthy, unkind, and expect 'fireworks' you can't deliver.   The cheating should be an absolute deal killer.  They'll drink again.  It's not a good excuse.  Them having to make an excuse is a great reason to dump them however. 

[medev88]

Thank you all very much for your comments, insight and advice.

The way it came across to me at the time when it was said was very confusing. and it is still confusing. I just didn't feel like any of the comments made were very clear or precise -- they felt very vague and left to interpretation? Is it not likely or possible that my SO could just be afraid? Afraid of a serious commitment? SO's home growing up was nothing like mine. SO has a half-brother who is 2 months older.... due to cheating parents -- that's just the tip of the iceberg of the at-home issues related to 'marriage'.

Could the cheating be self-sabotage? Or self-esteem related validation? "I don't know why you're so good to me".

Could " I wish i loved you as much as you love me... " possible mean: "i wish that i wasn't so afraid to get closer to you and open up my heart for the love we both deserve"?

Or am I trying too hard to validate/justify the things that were said and happened?

Currently, we are still staying under the same roof. My SO has been especially nice - nothing "appears" to be off with us -- but on the inside, i am being torn apart, because i feel very uncertain, insecure and on-edge.

 

 

[d0nnivain]

Everything you are asking -- could it be this? could it be that? -- are all valid Qs.  Problem is even if the answers are yes, you still can't marry this person.  They have no ability to be in a marriage.  They have proven that to you by deed & word.  Immature or not, lack of stable home life, self esteem issues -- doesn't matter. There are some lines that you just don't cross.  They crossed them.  They will never be a faithful committed partner to you. 

Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me for trusting you.  Don't be a fool. 

[ExpatInItaly]

This person is in no way ready for marriage, and doesn’t love and respect you the way you do them. 

They feel guilty for cheating but their heart isn’t with you anymore. They like the comfort and security of a relationship but they’re not invested. 

It’s time to part ways. 

[introverted1]

2 hours ago, medev88 said:

Thank you all very much for your comments, insight and advice.

The way it came across to me at the time when it was said was very confusing. and it is still confusing. I just didn't feel like any of the comments made were very clear or precise -- they felt very vague and left to interpretation? Is it not likely or possible that my SO could just be afraid? Afraid of a serious commitment? SO's home growing up was nothing like mine. SO has a half-brother who is 2 months older.... due to cheating parents -- that's just the tip of the iceberg of the at-home issues related to 'marriage'.

Could the cheating be self-sabotage? Or self-esteem related validation? "I don't know why you're so good to me".

Could " I wish i loved you as much as you love me... " possible mean: "i wish that i wasn't so afraid to get closer to you and open up my heart for the love we both deserve"?

Or am I trying too hard to validate/justify the things that were said and happened?

Currently, we are still staying under the same roof. My SO has been especially nice - nothing "appears" to be off with us -- but on the inside, i am being torn apart, because i feel very uncertain, insecure and on-edge.

 

 

See the bolded.

And really, even if your rationalizations are true, where does that leave you?  You still have a SO who is not all in, who drinks and fools around (I wonder how much actually happened vs what was confessed), who acknowledges that they don't love you the way you do them (and the way you deserve).  You are quite right to worry about what might behind the tip of this iceberg.

[gamon]

She cheated on you dude. You're not even married yet. It doesn't get better over time, it yets worse.

Right now you're in the frying pan. Why jump into the fire?

The proposal is unrelated however when you do propose you're supposed to give her a ring.

[DKT3]

Why so vague on gender? Men and women are wired differently when it comes to romantic relationships,  gender could actually hurt us to help you make sense of it...I've never seen anyone judged here for sexual orientation. 

[gamon]

Didn't realize until the post above that we have no clue if the Op is a man or woman or if the SO is a man or a woman.

Clever wording in the posts by the Op to not disclose that however there's absolutely no point to it.

 

[mark clemson]

I think it's likely you're attempting to marry a person who is accustomed to dysfunctional relationships due to their early home life and is likely to continue "creating messes" in one way or another on an ongoing basis. It's not your job to "fix" them to make them a safe partner, nor is it within your ability to do so (and IF it was, you'd have to recuse yourself since you're in a relationship). You could consider researching "Drama Triangle" dynamics and see if this applies to your relationship, I suspect it might.

I think you'd be VERY wise to take the resistance to marriage seriously. I think they KNOW they will hurt you, sooner or later, either through a series of ongoing issues or via some huge "blow up" such as simply walking out one day. They want something different from what you want - an ongoing relationship but without marriage and I have no doubt there is GOOD REASON for that. They may be, at some level, attempting to spare you significant pain.

This person is not compatible with what you want - marriage and a deeper relationship. You are trying to fit a proverbial square peg into the round hole of marriage and IMO it's not going to work. The list of red flags is LONG. I'll join folks above in strongly suggesting you recognize that this is a mess that's not going to be getting any better, and be done.

[Watercolors]

4 hours ago, medev88 said:

Or am I trying too hard to validate/justify the things that were said and happened?

You are still making excuses for your girlfriend/boyfriend 5 years later. They have literally told you they don't want to commit to you long-term. There is no other way to interpret that. They do not want to marry you. They cheat on you continually and you allow it.

The bigger question isn't: what do your cheating partner's words mean?

The bigger question is: why do you make excuses for your cheating partner without any consequences for their behavior?

Edited November 19, 2020 by Watercolors

[usa1ah]

So your gf cheated twice and wants to stay with you?

 

Why in the hell do you want to stay with a cheating girlfriend?

 

Get so self respect man. 
 

You know everyone at the party knows your girlfriend cheated on you at the party twice. 

[Buffer]

Sorry but your SO isn’t committed to this relationship nor in taking into a marriage. Due to this being the second inappropriate sexual contact I would recommend that you both Get tested for STDs and STIs as some can be passed in saliva. Also get checked for HPV as well. Don’t think with your heart, use your head. Get them to move out. They are just not into you and are using the guise as it happened whilst drunk to not get engaged. 
One day at a time. 
Buffer. 

[usa1ah]

It doesn’t sound like she is in love with you at all. Yes she loves you but not enough to marry you. She cheated because she doesn’t love you enough not to. 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, medev88 said:

Currently, we are still staying under the same roof. 

Well that answers your question. She wants out of the relationship, is pushing you away as hard as she can, but doesn't want to get thrown out of the house.

Edited November 19, 2020 by Wiseman2

[gamon]

How do all the responders know the SO is a she?

I can't find a gender reference to either one of them anywhere on this thread and I'm starting to doubt my reading comprehension skills.

 

[Watercolors]

18 minutes ago, gamon said:

How do all the responders know the SO is a she?

I can't find a gender reference to either one of them anywhere on this thread and I'm starting to doubt my reading comprehension skills.

 

That’s because the poster left gender out completely so we have no idea what the poster’s gender is, or what their partner’s gender is. 

[gamon]

14 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

That’s because the poster left gender out completely so we have no idea what the poster’s gender is, or what their partner’s gender is. 

Hence my question as to why so many are referring to the SO as a she.