Fiance left Me

[Rtkennedy1]

My name is Rob, I'm 38 years old and live in NY. I'm incredibly sad due to my fiance leaving me, which was on November 9th, one month prior, my mother passed away from lung cancer. I was her caretaker. During this time prior and and after my mothers death I was very emotionally unavailable to my fiance, and couldn't give her the love and affection she deserved.  I came home to find her gone, with our pet rabbit, yet all of her belonging were still there, her jewelery, family photos, diarys, and all of her clothing, her engagement ring. Amazon packages she had ordered are still arriving. Her whole life is still in the house. I found out the next day and found out she quit her job of 10 years which she recently got a raise. I spoke to her parent both of whom loved me and they cried and said they couldn't stop her....she moved down to her sisters in north carolina. When I finally spoke to her the following day she told me I had not given her the love that she needed, and I understood apologized that I was not capable with the grief I was in from my mother's death, and that I would immediately get the help I need for my depression, which I have immediatly done and began seeing a Dr.   I love her more than anything in this world and I intended to make her the number one woman in my life and have a family with her. She seemed stoic and cold while we were on the phone and told me she needed time and space. The last we spoke was Saturday and today is Tuesday. We were together for 4 years and I am heartbroken and she seems to be starting a new life in north carolina living with her sisters family 

Edited November 17, 2020 by Rtkennedy1
addition

[FMW]

I'm very sorry for the turmoil you've had caring for your mother and then her death.  And now this.  A lot of heartbreak.

How long were you emotionally unavailable to your fiance because of caretaking of your mother?  Were you physically away from her during this time as well?  Did she try to talk to you about how she was feeling?

Sorry for all the questions, but the answers might make a little difference to what opinions/advice might be given.  

[Rtkennedy1]

I'd say close to 6 months, we still had good times and she was my rock through the end. 

We did talk about her concerns and I assured her that she was the light at the end of the dark tunnel, I never abused her and always appreciated her. I wasn't capable of the intamcy she craved for the past few months and I know that played a role. She made it so far with me and just feel let down that she bailed when the biggest battle of my life was now over, and I had the best intentions to make her my priority. 

[Rtkennedy1]

She simply disappeared from my life so suddenly ot feels like I'm coping with a second loss of a loved one, and revisting the loss of my mother. We had a more than open enough relationship that she did not have to leave as suddenly as she did , let alone leave literally everything she owns behind , and move many states away without any conversation. Its been very traumatic and I feel so responsible that I caused her enough pain to have to escape so abruptly. 

[Rtkennedy1]

The last conversation we had she seemed to swing back and forth from returning home, to sticking to unplanned event, I believe she may also be being encouraged by her sister whom is manic/depressive and bi-polar, coercing her to come live with her in North Carolina on a whim. This is a very fluid situation and I'm still putting pieces of information together as hours and days go by. I have since granted her wish of time and space since we last spoke saturday, and have concluded my best course of action maybe indefinite no contact. Very difficult for someone that i spent everyday and night with and intended to be the woman I would cherish and love for the rest of my life.

[FMW]

I think the fact that she left all her stuff there says something.  If she was really clear on being done, she would have arranged to take her things with her or at least put them in storage.  Leaving them with you means you still have ties.

Her leaving so abruptly, and doing so after the death of your mother, seems really odd.  It's likely she has other issues going on with her, I don't think you hold all the responsibility for her taking off.  

If her sister is manic depressive/bi-polar, she may have at least some level of mood disorder herself.  Going through the months of your pain and ultimate loss, on top of all the other stresses going on in the world right now, might have just put her at a breaking point for her own mental health. She may have just felt the need to run away and take a break.

Try to focus on yourself right now, do things that make you feel a little happiness, or at least a lighter mood.  That probably sounds like a tall order right now, but sometimes just little moments of enjoyment can make a difference.  

[Rtkennedy1]

I thought the same at first, but on the phone she said " just throw it all out, things don't mean anything to me anymore" but was again wishy washy about a return, and asked for time and space  Again, I have taken this to heart, and sought immediate medical attention for my depression. I also checked her social media and she had removed her "engaged status, and all of our pictures together. She is receiving accolades from her friends and sisters neighbors on her " new adventure in life. I don't understand any of the motivation regarding these Rapid manic moves, but have since been in no contact and will not look at social media or reach out. One thing I am confident of is my willpower, and my good honorable and loyal intentions. I wouldn't just dispose of items that seem quite personal, but I will also only tolerate so much. I feel abused and as if there is some kind of reaction that is being incited from me. 

[Rtkennedy1]

I've never heard of such an instant decision of quitting a 10 year job , let alone leaving an engagement, not taking even the things of immediate value( 10k in jewelry) and moving to a place away from the rest of your family( her parents are here in Ny, and although they love me, would support their daught no matter what) I know she has access to her sister medication and at this point I'm concerned she's being medicated by them and influenced by them...ect- re affirming what I see as some kind of breakdown by saying " you made the right choice, here, take this xanax". 

[Rtkennedy1]

I've taken immediate action on my self, visited a psychotherapist and began an exercise routine, outfitted my fridge with only healthy nourishing foods , and began writing my thoughts/mock letters. This has taken place over the last week as I've been dealing with this, while being peacmeal information regarding what I know is going on with her and maintaining no contact. At this point my family know of my situation with her and have given their opinions.  

[Rtkennedy1]

I'm doing my best to take a meditative approach and not make any rash decisions based on anger ( throwing things out) because I know this may be some kind of breakdown, im having a very hard time deciding where I draw the line. I do Love her and I know people make mistake Nd deserve forgiveness( myself as much as her) 

[mark clemson]

It's extremely hard, but there's no way to MAKE her WANT to stay with you if that's not coming naturally.

If she was capable of this, it's possible you actually dodged a bullet, as marriages are a marathon not a sprint and this could have happened another decade down the line.

Suggest you LET GO (as hard as that must be) and process this emotionally. Once you're done with that, you can move on - hopefully to someone who wouldn't do this to you. Whatever medications she's taking right now, etc, are now HER problem, not yours.

Shipping her stuff to her and rearranging the house (so you're reminded of her less) may help. Moving out might be something to think about as well as no doubt everything you see right now is triggering.

It would be nice if our brains made it easy to move on, but they just don't. Seeing the therapist is no doubt a good idea. Some other things to consider trying:

- Time outside (at least 10 min/day) (boosts serotonin)

- Time with friends socializing (boosts dopamine)

- Exercise/working out within your capacity (boosts endogenous opiates)  (Edit: I see you're doing this)

- New hobbies/interests/distractions (helps you start to create a new identity that is apart from her)

- Eventually, meeting new people romantically (the end goal of getting yourself straight and getting over her)

 

Some things, like volunteering, can hit several of these.

Edited November 18, 2020 by mark clemson

[Rtkennedy1]

And She took my pet Rabbit.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. While you were dealing with your mother's dying, is it possible she started talking to someone else where her sister lives?

It may seem abrupt, but it sounds like she's been deliberating leaving for a while now.

Her parents/family seem aware of this.

Hopefully you'll get the support of friends, family and some help with grief counseling and depression.

Sorry this happened to you.

[Caauug]

7 hours ago, Rtkennedy1 said:

I'm incredibly sad due to my fiance leaving me, which was on November 9th, one month prior, my mother passed away from lung cancer. I was her caretaker. During this time prior and and after my mothers death I was very emotionally unavailable to my fiance,

This sounds horrible, loosing your mother and GF one after the other. You dodged the bullet, good work.

Your GF wants you to be the rock she can rely on, not the other way around. She will likely want to be a mum some day and to nurture her child (children) but will never want to nurture (be a mum to) you when you have a loss in your life, that is not her role. I suspect you showed her too much weakness with the loss of your mother and she lost respect for you, she fell out of love...

It takes two to make a relationship, and you can not force her to come back. Begging her only shows more weakness on your part therefor reaffirming her choice to leave was correct. She has made the choice to leave, and left her things there as a sign to leave the door open to come back. If you hold the door open and all her things for her, it will only show more weakness on your part and feed her validation.. This action from her shows how self centered she is, she only has her interests at heart, and is willing to have you living in misery with all her memories around you. Her abandonment of you shows her true feelings toward you. 

It's now time to look after No#1: YOU!!

You have been through a lot with your mother's passing, there was no way to avoid that pain. It was your GF's choice to leave you when you needed her. It is YOUR choice to put up with her abuse, yes it is a form of abuse. She cares nothing for you now, and if she returned it would only be for the comfort you would provide, not for love...

Set out a clear time line on how long you will hold her things without direction. I suggest less than one week without direction and max of 2 weeks if you are to send or if there is pick up. Make it all or nothing, she takes it all in one hit or gets nothing and you dispose of it.  Sell off anything of worth, and give away the rest, bin anything left.... Send the memories of her away, do not hold onto hope or mementos that will remind you of her. 

Her actions speak volumes, what she says is for her benefit only. Look first, listen only when or if she shows you.

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Some other things to consider trying:

- Time outside (at least 10 min/day) (boosts serotonin)

- Time with friends socializing (boosts dopamine)

- Exercise/working out within your capacity (boosts endogenous opiates)  (Edit: I see you're doing this)

- New hobbies/interests/distractions (helps you start to create a new identity that is apart from her)

- Eventually, meeting new people romantically (the end goal of getting yourself straight and getting over her)

 

Some things, like volunteering, can hit several of these.

^^^^^^ Very good advice Mark....

Distance yourself from her and her memories, get busy, get into shape, eat and live healthy. Look after what is most important.... YOU!!

 

[ajequals]

One thing I learned about women in this situation is you can't get her back. She clearly stated  she wants something you can't give at the moment. which is a big flag to me. she will leave if things get tough. Just work on yourself making yourself the best you can be. Someone better will show up in your life

[Ellener]

Sorry you have been going through all this @Rtkennedy1 It shows a rather poor character and immaturity what your partner has done here. Just keep looking after yourself right now. Things will get better.

[Rtkennedy1]

I don't know think I showed weakness during my mom's  passing, I took on all the responsibility, right down to administering the Morphine. I stayed true to the course. 

She certainly does want to have children, and so did I. 

I do not believe she had someone waiting for her in north carolina, its impossible. I believe she was certainly convinced by her sister to leave her current and temporary unhappiness to go live with them. 

Her parents were also surprised and distressed by this sudden move, and both stated they wanted me to be their son in law, while encouraging her to stay. 

Edited November 18, 2020 by Rtkennedy1
mistake

[Rtkennedy1]

I am now on Day 5 of no contact and will continue this course. I wake up early and exercersize. Im going to work. I am speaking/seeing friends. 

I have bagged and boxed her things up to get them out of my sight. I don't know if there is some grass is greener syndrome here and still in disbelief this was a rational choice

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Rtkennedy1 said:

I thought the same at first, but on the phone she said " just throw it all out, things don't mean anything to me anymore" 

Can you box up her stuff and have her parents collect it?

It's doubtful that she is being drugged and that's the cause of the breakup.

You mentioned she's been unhappy for months. During that time she seems to have planned for her move to NC.

[Rtkennedy1]

If it was planned, then why leave everything behind? Her job said she left suddenly and it was bizarre. Why not get yourself setup down there and why leave items of value behind? 

[Wiseman2]

Did she drive down? What belongings did she take with her?

Did she move out while you were at work? Did she leave a note?

How do you know she's "not set up" there? Is she living with the sister?

What does her social media posts about her "new adventure" mean?

Edited November 18, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Rtkennedy1]

Her sister had her husband catch a standby flight to NY, to drive her and her car down there, from what I can tell she took minimal items and our pet Rabbit. When i say she left everything I mean it, all her clothing , personal items, jewelery, diarys, photos of her and her family, laptop, toothbrush, toiletries and perfume, and still has amazon packages arriving here. She is definitely living with her sister/husband and their two young children, as they have a spare bedroom. They have two dogs and 3 cats, both of which she's highly allergic to. 

[Rtkennedy1]

She did not leave a note, she leftbour engagement ring.

[Rtkennedy1]

She did mention to her parents that she couldn't do it if she "saw or told me in person" that I would be able to convince her to stay and she wouldn't be able to go through with it.

[Lotsgoingon]

She leaves all her things and says throw them away? Dude, that's a bad bad sign--not of you and the relationship--but of her mental health and thinking. Is it possible she's having a bipolar mood right now? Telling you to throw away her things makes no sense at all--intellectually, financially, emotionally. 

Taking care of a dying parent is exhausting. Taking care of my ailing parents in their last years nearly killed me. You're trying to be tender and caring and loving and yet you're full of cortisol and adrenaline ... and full of sadness ... and shock ... There's a ton of terror involved in seeing this rock in  your life suddenly become weak and needy. You lose sleep. You stop doing fun stuff. But it's the right thing to do. Taking care of my folks is one of the things I'm most proud of and you can be too!

As @mark clemsonsays, you really may have dodged a bullet here. Meaning this side of your fiance's personality was always there. Somehow she hid it or you missed it--until now!

Now, it's true that your distance during your mom's last six months probably weren't fun for her. Looking back, I'd get my but to therapy or some kind of caretaking or grief support group if I had to redo taking care of my parents again. Caretaking, while spiritually satisfying on some deep level, is chronic stress to the 100th power. Awful. You are almost in a war zone..

Time to shift into really honest assessment here. This is a chance to get out of denial and to come to a more mature understanding of who your fiance is. You need this understanding even if she were to return. It is NOT your job to "win" her back. That just puts you in the hole, as if you "owe" her, as if you had cheated on her. That's a terrible way to start a marriage. 

So what are her weak spots? This is a question all mature people about to marry should be able to answer. It's reckless to ignore someone's weaknesses. You marry someone because their weaknesses are ones you can work with and her strengths are overwhelming. Time for you to get clear on her weaknesses.

BTW: if her sister could persuade her to leave you, then she's an immature idiot and you have no business wanting to marry her. So you got to face up to who she is.