Caauug Posted November 19, 2020 Share Posted November 19, 2020 12 hours ago, Rtkennedy1 said: Perhaps what I'm looking for is hope It's hard but don't look. Try stepping back and look at her actions. If she loved or cared deeply for you or your well being: Would she have just taken off like she did? With no good byes? Without giving you a little closure? Does someone in love with another person just leave and say they need space to think things out? The answer is NO!!! She no longer loves or cares for you, what ever emotions she felt to abandon you and her live there, you may never find out. Deep down it doesn't really matter, she left, it was her choice, she has shown you she does not want/need you in her life. Her actions have told you everything you NEED to know!!! I know, it hurts. This is way better now when there are no children.... Think what it would be like, 5 yrs from now, the wedding over, three small children later and she just up and takes off with only the rabbit..... That would really be crap!!! Her actions have shown you she is not the one you need as a partner to have a family with. You need someone mentally stable that can fight WITH you. Someone that loves to be with you, that enjoys your company and wants to celebrate your successes with you. Greave the loss of your mother and of the dream you had with your GF. In time you will be ready to move on and be able to except someone else that is a better choice than her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted November 19, 2020 Share Posted November 19, 2020 On 11/18/2020 at 3:49 AM, Rtkennedy1 said: I'd say close to 6 months, we still had good times and she was my rock through the end. We did talk about her concerns and I assured her that she was the light at the end of the dark tunnel, I never abused her and always appreciated her. I wasn't capable of the intamcy she craved for the past few months and I know that played a role. She made it so far with me and just feel let down that she bailed when the biggest battle of my life was now over, and I had the best intentions to make her my priority. I'm sorry for your loss, Rtkennedy. And I'm sorry that your fiance abandoned you. The timing and circumstances of her disappearance suggest she wanted to leave you for a while but couldn't because she thought it would be too cruel. They also suggest that she's not the sort of person who can support someone through hardship in the long-term. Some people just aren't wired to do that. Mental health may be a factor. Or deep-seated selfishness. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 19, 2020 Share Posted November 19, 2020 Sorry to say but it seems like your life and plans were all about you. This was not abrupt or sudden at all. Think about it. She and her NC family carefully planned her escape, including taking only essential items with her. Now she's happy. Posting on social media, enjoying her new location, looking for jobs, etc. Unfortunately this sounds more like someone who fled an untenable situation. However you were unaware of her unhappiness for way to long and too wrapped up in your mother's house. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted November 19, 2020 Share Posted November 19, 2020 16 hours ago, Rtkennedy1 said: again, it couldn't have been planned much, her entire life is here, all of her belongings from clothingbto jewelery. Her job said it was bizarre she resigned without notice. I love this girl and she's ripping a second hole in my heart and seems to be congratulated on her move by her sisters friends. Yeah. That's the bit that got me confused. Then I remembered that sometimes people deliberately exit a relationship in this way. It may be because they feel that if they give you a hint that they want out and talk to you about it, you will want to solve things and convince them to stay. Maybe they really don't want to stay and they feel guilty and they're lousy at being decisive and making boundaries, so this is their way of setting boundaries. They use someone else to give them the resolve to leapfrog out of the situation (I think that may be the role her sister played). And they keep you in the dark until the last possible minute. It ultimately causes you a lot of hurt, much more hurt than if you'd gotten some kind of warning. And that's particularly cruel, especially after you've suffered loss and you're grieving. It is even more cruel that you've been put in the position of having to deal with her stuff and figure out what to do with it. I've experienced something similar and seen it happen to others too (although in my case, my close relative didn't die; she developed a serious illness). So I know it can happen. Alternatively, maybe she has mental illness and is experiencing an episode. And maybe she desperately needed an escape and none of this was planned in advance. I really can't tell. In either case, the best that you can do is focus on grieving your loss and getting better. Take all the time in the world you need. Now that she has seemingly voluntarily removed herself from your life, you don't have to feel guilty about not being a good fiance. You can just focus on getting yourself better one day at a time. Maybe one day in the distant future you'll have the opportunity to talk to each other again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rtkennedy1 Posted November 19, 2020 Author Share Posted November 19, 2020 This person was talking about having kids with me, and ordered couches with me 2 nights before this happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 19, 2020 Share Posted November 19, 2020 5 minutes ago, Rtkennedy1 said: This person was talking about having kids with me, and ordered couches with me 2 nights before this happened. The night before this happened, she already contacted her NC people and had already completely planned how to get there, replete with the help of her brother in law. It's understandable that you are hurt and dismayed by all this. However, it's best to realize that it was planned in advance and she simply thought it was best to exit quietly and permanently. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted November 19, 2020 Share Posted November 19, 2020 11 hours ago, Rtkennedy1 said: This person was talking about having kids with me, and ordered couches with me 2 nights before this happened. She didn’t want you to know what she was planning. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted November 20, 2020 Share Posted November 20, 2020 16 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry to say but it seems like your life and plans were all about you. Going to respectfully disagree. Although OP clearly had major distractions, he's clearly deeply attached and deeply hurt. It was his Mom's last days for crying out loud. He's supposed to be all focused on her with THAT going on??? A special, major, and limited duration situation. Possibly the depression had an impact, etc, but IMO she needed to cut him some slack. Maybe the situation was untenable for her, but IMO she was the selfish one about it, not him. You have to be able to cut your partner slack for extenuating circumstances or you don't belong in a marriage (any marriage) IMO. 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rtkennedy1 Posted November 20, 2020 Author Share Posted November 20, 2020 Thank you Mark, again this could not and wasn't planned. Although it was Rapid... even if it was planned a day before you still take your laptop, and checkbook. Im still putting pieces together and I guess I just sound like a fool for wanting her back, because I still love her and the only easy part about this has been taking the relatively simple steps immediatly to improve myself, and seek medical attention for my delression. I never abused her and I was always kind. I assured her I would do these things and I did. Just feels like a week too late. Again, our last conversation was wishy washy about her coming home, and left off with her need for fime and space. So thats whats she's getting. Il subject myself to whatever I have to for this woman. I might be a sucker here and my thoughts go from anger to sadness in moments. No contact is the only way. I will not chase or push her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rtkennedy1 Posted November 21, 2020 Author Share Posted November 21, 2020 Although I know I may think of her often, what you have all said, and what the few trusted friends and family I've asked , it seems most have came to my own conclusions, she will receive of her possessions mailed/shipped to her. At my own expense. Merry Christmas Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted November 21, 2020 Share Posted November 21, 2020 Something big is wrong with your gf. For her to leave her fiance and a job she had ten years, and also leave all of her belongings with you is abnormal. I wonder if something happened at work that she hasn't told you about? It seems to me she's running for something that she became aware of suddenly. Because you were clueless about this, she ordered the couches with you two nights before she left, left all her things, it seems to me it's possible she may have gotten into some kind of legal trouble, possibly trouble related to her job or some trouble not job-related. In your place I'd have no other contact with her. I'm not sure I'd even mail her, her things unless she asks. I'm probably stick them in the basement or another place of storage. What she's done is bizarre and IMO she needs to take responsibility in order to get her things back. But, if you need to get them out of your place because their presence is dragging you down, so be it. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rtkennedy1 Posted November 21, 2020 Author Share Posted November 21, 2020 I agree, the only other issues for me is that I love her and I'm scared. For both of us. Ive never heard of such a manic display. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rtkennedy1 Posted November 21, 2020 Author Share Posted November 21, 2020 Please elaborate on these thoughts, im conscience I could be wearing rose colored glasses Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 21, 2020 Share Posted November 21, 2020 Let her parents collect her belongings, since you are in touch with them and they are local. Sadly you may only get pieces of this perplexing puzzle in time. You know she was unhappy and left the ring on purpose as a sign of ending it. The real puzzle is why she left all her stuff there, except her car, pet and a few essentials. The other piece of the puzzle is her happy posting on social media alluding to a new happy life in a new happy place and clearly intends to stay there, replete with finding a job,etc. In time, you may be able to figure out the mystery of why she left in a hurry while you were not there and why she left some much behind. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted November 21, 2020 Share Posted November 21, 2020 (edited) 8 hours ago, Rtkennedy1 said: Please elaborate on these thoughts, im conscience I could be wearing rose colored glasses Not sure if this was directed toward me or not. But, yes, I believe it's very possible your gf is in some kind of trouble, or running from something you don't know anything about. To drop a job she's had ten years and just got a raise on, leave a fiance who loves her, leave the ring, leave all her belongings, tells me she's done something she's ashamed of. Possibly something illegal. If she were in a type of danger that wasn't connected to her behavior I believe she'd have told you about it. What is telling to me is that the one thing she took was the rabbit. That, to me, is an indication that she desired the one thing that could/would comfort her. In other words, the thing that is on her mind is getting comfort. Possibly from fear. Again, not fear of something she can share, possibly something she has done. Her leaving her belongings, the ring, etc., indicates to me that she trusts you as a person of integrity and love. Because she obviously believes she can get her things at a later date without a hassle from you if she wants to. It's also an indication to me that she wasn't sure she was leaving permanently. To me, your best bet is to do exactly what you're doing. By all means, give her the time and space that she's asked for. You're an incredible man to have taken care of your mother the way you did. I don't believe for a minute she left you because of your focus for six months on your mother. Six months is a small amount of time in the grand scheme of things and she knew that passage of time was over. As you hurt and long to hold her in your arms expressing your love to her, realize that you ARE expressing your love for her in the way that she will most appreciate, time to process whatever she is going through. There's something she's running from and I don't believe, from the tenor of what you've written and also the content, that it's you. Editing this to add: I certainly wouldn't send her her belongings. If you keep them at some point in the future it's likely she'll come back for at least some of them. That would give you an opportunity to talk with her, to possibly find out what has happened. And at a future date after she's had the time and space to process things, she may be more likely to talk about it. If you do send her her things that may be a wake up call to her that you are done with her, which could propel her back to you. But don't do it for that reason or try to play games in any way. Also, I agree with the poster above who suggested it's better she pull something like this now rather than years down the road when you have children. In any case, you have dodged a huge bullet. A normal person doesn't behave this way. This woman has huge issues. You love her but it's best for you to move on, IMO. Still, I do recognize your desire for more info about what happened in order for her to choose this route. Give it time and see what develops. In the meantime you are beginning a journey of healing. Edited November 21, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rtkennedy1 Posted November 22, 2020 Author Share Posted November 22, 2020 I just cant imagine or comprehend this behavior from her. I know people are capable of what seem like incapable acts but this has me in such a state of shock. Im a rational person and I could have always been spoken to or communicated with regarding her leaving. I feel as if im a scapegoat based on a comment she made the last time I look on her facebook. " at any time feel free to hetem with a plot twist"......... and congratulations from her family and new neighbors i suppose she has met... that was days ago and I won't ever look on Facebook again.another painful Lesson learned. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rtkennedy1 Posted November 22, 2020 Author Share Posted November 22, 2020 I suppose im just looking for reassurance that I'm acting coherent here. Its incredibly shocking to me and feel as if my world is turned upside down. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rtkennedy1 Posted November 22, 2020 Author Share Posted November 22, 2020 Her own laptop was left here with automatic login to her facebook.... Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted November 22, 2020 Share Posted November 22, 2020 (edited) Either she's seriously mentally ill, extremely devious, and/or has done something she's ashamed of and believes you would reject her for. There are no other explanations for this because it's totally abnormal; very strange! If she left because of anything you've done, she'd have taken her belongings with her. Especially her laptop! Did you say you know her parents? Can they shed any light on it for you? Also, surely you have close friends in common with her that are still there. Do they know anything? Edited November 22, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 22, 2020 Share Posted November 22, 2020 6 hours ago, Rtkennedy1 said: the last time I look on her facebook. " at any time feel free to hetem with a plot twist"......... and congratulations from her family and new neighbors It's just some meme, not directed at you. Have her parents kept silent? Will they come get her stuff? When she told you how unhappy she's been, how did you respond? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rtkennedy1 Posted November 22, 2020 Author Share Posted November 22, 2020 I responded by telling her that I am going through a very dark, depressing time, and tryed to assure her that I will get the help( which I've immediatly began to do, seeing a dr and therapist) and therapy to deal with the depression and grief of losing my mother, that my lack of affection is caused by this, and that i love her dearly and want to marry her and start a family 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted November 22, 2020 Share Posted November 22, 2020 28 minutes ago, Rtkennedy1 said: I responded by telling her that I am going through a very dark, depressing time, and tryed to assure her that I will get the help( which I've immediatly began to do, seeing a dr and therapist) and therapy to deal with the depression and grief of losing my mother, that my lack of affection is caused by this, and that i love her dearly and want to marry her and start a family And now she knows that you will be waiting for her and she can pursue her interests knowing that she has a soft landing if she wants it. What are you getting out of it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rtkennedy1 Posted November 22, 2020 Author Share Posted November 22, 2020 Im doing my best to take care of my depression and guilt, because I need to move forward regardless if she comes back, but because it affected me and a relationship. Regardless of what she did, I love her and still want to give 100 percent. Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted November 22, 2020 Share Posted November 22, 2020 47 minutes ago, Rtkennedy1 said: Im doing my best to take care of my depression and guilt, because I need to move forward regardless if she comes back, but because it affected me and a relationship. Regardless of what she did, I love her and still want to give 100 percent. You have nothing to feel guilty about from everything you've told us. She did a really insensitive, cruel thing, probably egged on by others, but she's an adult. She could have handled this pretty much any other way better than she did. Instead she did drama. It's nothing to do with her possibly having mental illness or some strange hidden plot: it's evidence of a serious character flaw and immaturity. Only you can let it go, if you want to move on with your life. Even if she did return, apologise, and explain- it's left a gaping hole in your life where you could not depend on her to even act like a grown adult or allow you to grieve for your bereavement. You are looking for answers to put things right and go back to where you were before and there are none. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rtkennedy1 Posted November 22, 2020 Author Share Posted November 22, 2020 Im doing my best to take care of my depression and guilt, because I need to move forward regardless if she comes back, but because it affected me and a relationship. Regardless of what she did, I love her and still want to give 100 percent. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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