Fiance left Me

[Wiseman2]

Pick up the phone and ask the questions you need to ask. It's that simple.

-Why did you leave?

-Are you coming back? If so, when?

-What do you want to do about your belongings?

Unless it was an abusive relationship and she fled in a hurry to get away from you, you should be able to call/text and get the answers/closure you need.

 

Edited November 26, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Rtkennedy1]

When we last spoke on the phone she told me ahe sleft because I wasn't being loving/intimate enough ( I was going through the death of my mother) and wasn't capable. She was wishy washy about coming home. I told her I would get all the professional help that i needed  both for my depression and to work things out with her ( which I immediatly began)and that she was the most important thing in the world that i have left.. And said its a shame it took me to leave for you to realize this- and she needed time and space. So thats what I'm giving her. I feel should be the one to reach out to me. She said to throw all her things out( I believe saying this in anger,  knowing I would never do such a thing) 

 

 

 

[Rtkennedy1]

That was Friday the 13th of November. Im giving the time and space shes asked for and have had no contact since. There's literally a U haul worth of her things here, that I've boxed up.

[Rtkennedy1]

today will be a difficult day

[schlumpy]

13 hours ago, Rtkennedy1 said:

Tomorrow il excersize,  read , and eat a simple meal. Probably alone. Il probly wait for a textbor call like a chump. And another lesson will be learned

I know you are deep in the abyss and how hard it is to control the feelings and thoughts. The only cure is time and distance and that's true of most of us.

If you can, try to change your perspective.

One thing that might help is to freshen up your living space by rearranging furniture or new pictures on the wall. You don't think about it much but the objects around you can influence how you feel.

Buy a new area rug to lay down that only you would like. Reclaim the space for you. Make a statement as to who you are.

Consider also that in every relationship there is compromise. 

Maybe at one time you liked hiking and camping but your SO could not put up with the inconvenience so you gave it up. All those things are now once again open to you as well as new things to do.

Holding off on buying that new stereo system that you've been talking about for the last five years? It's time to get it.

Try moving in that direction. I'm sure it will help.

Although your SO leaving seems fairly final, she might return but how can things be the same? She has shown you what she is capable of. How do you cope with that in the long term. Right now every decision she is making highlights that she is only thinking of herself. You can't just take her back because you will setting yourself up for future failure when she leaves again and maybe again and again until she gets it right.

That's going to waste many years of your life.

Be very careful how you handle this and do not believe what she tells you. Only believe what she does.

 

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, Rtkennedy1 said:

When we last spoke on the phone she told me ahe sleft because I wasn't being loving/intimate enough 

She was wishy washy about coming home.

 She said to throw all her things out( I believe saying this in anger,  knowing I would never do such a thing)

Ok so you know why she left and that the relationship is over. You boxed up her stuff? 

She didn't legally/technically reside in your mother's house but she stayed there/has some stuff there?

Take care of yourself.

[Rtkennedy1]

WisemaN, she has EVERYTHING here

[Ellener]

16 hours ago, Rtkennedy1 said:

Tomorrow il excersize,  read , and eat a simple meal. Probably alone.

I spend a lot of time alone these days @Rtkennedy1 For different reasons my life fell apart too, but I am determined to survive and eventually recover and thrive.

I tell myself when I get through a difficult day well done, and I do whatever I can to make life comfortable and productive. Some days that's simply getting out of bed, dressing and eating...this week I painted some watercolours which are getting better with each one. 

My little dog provides a great companion and a focus to care for, maybe since your pet has gone if you can't get that one back you could get another, a rescue animal maybe? Just a thought when you feel ready.

I love to read too, and keep it mostly light-hearted these days. 

I started a holiday hangout thread in The Water Cooler section, and posted Kevin Shelley's thoughts on living alone without being lonely.

 

 

 

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

@Rtkennedy1 so sorry for the loss of your mother followed by this cruel breakup.

My mother passed away two years ago this coming January, and that was two months after my husband blew up the marriage in what seemed to me to be a very callous manner. Despite out 10+ years together (5 married) he emotionally checked out and seemed to not look back, though we briefly did counseling. I think his head was in a messed up place (his brother was battling cancer, fortunately in remission now)) and he had just turned 50 and had the typical midlife crisis. That said his behavior and things I learned that he’d done and lied about over the years made it very easy for me to move on and cut all contact )not to say it was not painful but I know my self worth).
 

Odds are very high that there is a backstory behind her actions and you may never know what it is. She is not someone to build a life with so finding this out at year 4 is better than 5, 6, 10.....

The sad reality is that not all relationships will survive, despite vows and happy years behind you. Some people don’t seem interested or capable to work on problems, and unless both people want to stay together and make it work there is nothing you can do to save it.

You will survive this and be happy again. I am very happy now (single by choice) but it takes a while to stop thinking “we” and what once was. The more you can focus on forward motion and self care the better. It’s great you are getting help for your depression. Pack her crap up and have the parents retrieve the boxes. If it’s too painful, hire someone to pack it up.

Exercise, eat healthy food, stay busy. Meditate - Sam Harris’s meditation app was a tremendous help to me those first few months. Explore interests and cultivate new hobbies. I found painting and I absolutely love it. 

Take care — a new year and new life await you. Look forward not back.
 

 

[Rtkennedy1]

Very difficult for me today, still in disbelief. We spent all our Thanksgiving and holidays together. Still in hope she comes to her senses... 

[Rtkennedy1]

No its not possible she had someone else. I firmly believe this was completely spontaneous. She was always loyal and faithful.

[Rtkennedy1]

Yesterday was very difficult, she did not reach out and I remained no contact, very painful. I still feel she made a very impulsive decision and I feel  powerless In this mess. I hope she had a good thanksgiving

Edited November 27, 2020 by Rtkennedy1
add

[schlumpy]

8 minutes ago, Rtkennedy1 said:

Yesterday was very difficult, she did not reach out and I remained no contact, very painful. I still feel she made a very impulsive decision and I feel  powerless In this mess. I hope she had a good thanksgiving

That's because the only power you have is over your own actions and how much she is attracted to you. Otherwise there is no leverage when there is not an agreement or emotional bond on her side. It's doesn't matter, as you are finding out, how you feel about things. Feelings will not draw her back or help you move on with your life. Only actions will do that.

I think it would help if you quit referring to her as your fiancé unless you believe that this is how a fiancé acts.

You are deep in denial. Start taking action to help yourself. Everything that has happened is on her. You are not at fault here unless there is something that you have not conveyed on the forum because of it's hideous nature.

[Rtkennedy1]

I've conveyed everything, that's why this is so disturbing and bizarre for me, my ex just vanished. Im pining and in pain, yesterday was horrible and I know it does no good. Like I've said ive already began sesing a therapist, excersising and trying to hold onto hope. 

[Ellener]

7 minutes ago, Rtkennedy1 said:

I've said ive already began sesing a therapist, excersising and trying to hold onto hope. 

The hope needs to be in yourself, and your ability to create a good life for yourself, whatever anyone else does. You got through yesterday- even though it was difficult. The first few 'holidays' after loss usually are. Well done. Be proud of yourself for each positive thought and step.

[poppyfields]

On 11/23/2020 at 9:52 AM, Rtkennedy1 said:

I love this girl with all of my heart and this is killing me

Firstly, I am so so sorry for the loss of your beloved mum, my sincerest condolences.  I lost my mom also, and dad, and I know how difficult it is ((hugs)).

Secondly, I'd like you to consider this.  The person you love no longer exists.  You love who she used to be or who you believed her to be.  Not who you have discovered her to be, who she is today.

I'm not trying to invalidate or minimize your feelings, that's not my intention. But when you think about this logically (and I understand why you are not thinking logically right now) how could you love someone who is this selfish, heartless, self-absorbed, cruel, thoughtless and imo a horrible human being?

I am absolutely appalled by her behaviour, disgusted, may I ask why you are not?

If she had physically abused you, thrown acid in your face for example (okay that's an extreme example but has happened), would you still want her back claiming you love her?

Please think about that because the way this "person" has treated you, while experiencing one of the most horrific painful things any human being will ever experience, is nothing short of emotional abuse. 

Your mother was dying for goodness sake, quite a painful death, and this person abandoned you because you weren't giving HER enough attention or tending to HER needs?  WTF!!!

I'd like you to think about if she did return (massive IF) what a life with this person would be like.

What if you were in an accident?  Became temporarily disabled? Or sick?   Will she abandon you then too because you weren't giving her enough attention and/or emotional support or tending to her needs?  

When I read while you were feeding your mom and she vomited blood on your face, and this person felt rejected because you didn't jump to satisfy her sexual urges, I nearly vomited myself.  

And now you want this person back?  

I'm sorry Rtkennedy, I'm truly not understanding your thought process here.  

I think you might be in some sort of denial, and am glad you have sought professional help.  

You sound like a wonderful caring man, were a loyal and devoted son and sure don't deserve the likes of this person, who is the absolute bottom of the barrell as far as I'm concerned.  

You dodged a huge bullet mate, be thankful you discovered now who she truly is before you married her.

Please take care of yourself.   There is a woman soooo much better for you out there, I promise you.  xoxo

Edited November 27, 2020 by poppyfields

[Rtkennedy1]

I feel guilty for not being capable of what she wanted from me and still love her so much. She said to her parents if she saw me she wouldn't have been able to leave me . 

[poppyfields]

3 minutes ago, Rtkennedy1 said:

I feel guilty for not being capable of what she wanted from me and still love her so much. She said to her parents if she saw me she wouldn't have been able to leave me . 

So this is your response after reading my post?  Oh well, I tried. 

I'm certain you are in denial, which is to be expected.  I went through it myself so I understand. 

Please continue posting for support.  Read back through all the posts.  

One day you will wake up and you will have your "aha" moment.  And you will say to yourself, LS posters were right!  And will be thankful you are no longer with this mess of a person.  

Till then, take good care of yourself.  Continue working on YOU and your healing.  

All the best RtKennedy, hope you feel better soon.  xooxo

[Rtkennedy1]

Im sorry, I know im in denial. Its the pin of loss taking over my thoughts. 

[Ellener]

2 minutes ago, Rtkennedy1 said:

Im sorry, I know im in denial. Its the pin of loss taking over my thoughts. 

Denial's just a stage in a process. Keep doing the positive self-caring things.

[mark clemson]

One thing you can try is to take a step back and do some meta-cognition. Might help, might not.

What mediates your experience of reality? Your brain.

What impacts your emotions? Experiences/events, sure - but ultimately it's changes in brain chemistry.

So, ONE way to look at this is that, right now, due to the experience of losing her, your brain isn't making enough "happy chemicals" (probably dopamine and serotonin).

In a very real way, your "ache" for her, missing/longing, etc is you seeking a "source" of those neurotransmitters. Getting her back would in reality increase levels of them in your brain. That's ONE reason you are longing for her so much. In a very real way, it's parallel to an addict seeking a fix. In fact, apparently, several drugs, including cocaine, trigger many of the exact same brain circuits that are involved in romantic love and loss of love, which is the main reason they're addictive. You withdraw the drug, your brain says "hey! what happened to all that dopamine" and you yearn for more. A very similar thing is going on in your brain right now.

So, if you take a step back, part of fixing things (and it's a significant part) towards making YOU happy again is finding ways to make your brain "happy" again.  There is no "quick fix" but finding/doing things that make you happy/increase your brain levels of dopamine and serotonin will help.

I posts lists of "brain happiness" suggestions to consider in various threads; if you've seen/are familiar then great. Suggest you start practicing/apply some of those in addition to the other things you've been doing. If you like I can post a list here if you don't read around on LS much.

GL.

[poppyfields]

>>"Im sorry, I know im in denial. Its the pin of loss taking over my thoughts."<<

I'm of the opinion that when a person is aware they are in denial, they are actually not in denial. But rather quite aware of the reality of the situation, but consciously choosing to ignore it.  Which given the above quote, is where I think you are.  Not denial. 

Which is okay, all part of the healing process. The bargaining stage.  The self-blame stage.  

I'm wondering, did you ever experience the ANGER stage?  That's the first stage but it appears you skipped that and went straight to bargaining stage.  

In any event, this WILL get better I promise you.  

Edited November 27, 2020 by poppyfields

[Rtkennedy1]

Yes there are swings of anger and sadness, sadness being dominant. Coming home to the engagement ring with pictures of us tossed around it was shocking and felt like some kind of retaliation

[poppyfields]

31 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

One thing you can try is to take a step back and do some meta-cognition. Might help, might not.

What mediates your experience of reality? Your brain.

What impacts your emotions? Experiences/events, sure - but ultimately it's changes in brain chemistry.

So, ONE way to look at this is that, right now, due to the experience of losing her, your brain isn't making enough "happy chemicals" (probably dopamine and serotonin).

In a very real way, your "ache" for her, missing/longing, etc is you seeking a "source" of those neurotransmitters. Getting her back would in reality increase levels of them in your brain. That's ONE reason you are longing for her so much. In a very real way, it's parallel to an addict seeking a fix. In fact, apparently, several drugs, including cocaine, trigger many of the exact same brain circuits that are involved in romantic love and loss of love, which is the main reason they're addictive. You withdraw the drug, your brain says "hey! what happened to all that dopamine" and you yearn for more. A very similar thing is going on in your brain right now.

So, if you take a step back, part of fixing things (and it's a significant part) towards making YOU happy again is finding ways to make your brain "happy" again.  There is no "quick fix" but finding/doing things that make you happy/increase your brain levels of dopamine and serotonin will help.

I posts lists of "brain happiness" suggestions to consider in various threads; if you've seen/are familiar then great. Suggest you start practicing/apply some of those in addition to the other things you've been doing. If you like I can post a list here if you don't read around on LS much.

GL.

Great post discussing "longing" mark.  Craving/aching for something or someone that you don't have versus "loving," which is cherishing what you DO have. 

Extremely powerful emotion!  More powerful than loving sometimes. It can be painful, passionate, obsessive and addicting.  

It's not love, however many people do confuse the two. 

Edited November 27, 2020 by poppyfields

[Ellener]

48 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I'm of the opinion that when a person is aware they are in denial, they are actually not in denial.

it doesn't quite work like that. I know when it's 'just anxiety disorder' and that rationally I can't ( for example ) physically fit through the gaps in a bridge, doesn't stop my heart from racing or me from having a panic attack!

Denial is a coping mechanism in the process of adjusting to distressful situations. It's the mind's way of processing things over time so people can still function. 

@Rtkennedy1 has been through a lot of trauma- caregiving, bereavement, abrupt end of a relationship, all within a short period of time, it's early days. That's why self-care routine is really important.