Fiance left Me

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, Ellener said:

it doesn't quite work like that. I know when it's 'just anxiety disorder' and that rationally I can't ( for example ) physically fit through the gaps in a bridge, doesn't stop my heart from racing or me from having a panic attack!

Denial is a coping mechanism in the process of adjusting to distressful situations. It's the mind's way of processing things over time so people can still function. 

@Rtkennedy1 has been through a lot of trauma- caregiving, bereavement, abrupt end of a relationship, all within a short period of time, it's early days. That's why self-care routine is really important. 

Thanks Ellener, I was only expressing an opinion, not fact.

I understand what denial is, I spent months in denial after my dad died.  Could not accept his death, I even went to work the following day! 

Laughing, going out with friends, like nothing happened.  Like you said, a coping mechanism and a way to avoid the pain of his death.  To me, in my opinion, that's denial.

My brothers told me I was in denial but I refuted it. I claimed I was not, just a trooper who accepted his death, he lived a good life, blah blah. 

I was not at all aware I was in denial.  

Once the reality of his death hit months later, I felt the full force of the pain, and had a breakdown.  

I was no longer in denial but actually dealing with the reality of his death, and all the pain, which imo is what the OP is attempting to do now.

JMO

 

 

Edited November 27, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

After thinking about this more, @Rtkennedy1 I think you may be in denial at least with respect to how selfish and self-centered your ex is and that she just doesn't care (I'm sorry).

I think once you accept these realities, true healing will begin. 

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Your ex should be feeling guilt not you.  

Again, please take good care and feel better soon! 

Edited November 27, 2020 by poppyfields

[Cookiesandough]

I agree. Also, Poppy, I’m sorry to hear about your dad. I also did not get to tell you that I am glad you and your fiancé were able to come to an understanding in your thread before it closed. Happy to see you happy 😊 

Edited November 27, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Rtkennedy1]

Shes going through something and its more than just me, I love her , i just sent her flowers

[poppyfields]

58 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I agree. Also, Poppy, I’m sorry to hear about your dad. I also did not get to tell you that I am glad you and your fiancé were able to come to an understanding in your thread before it closed. Happy to see you happy 😊 

Aww, thank you so much!!  Can we hug?? Lol  I mean it, thank you. 

And same right back at you!  🥰

[poppyfields]

17 minutes ago, Rtkennedy1 said:

Shes going through something and its more than just me, I love her , i just sent her flowers

So you essentially rewarded her for her deplorable behavior.  Please let us know how that works out for you..

Time heals. xoxo

[Rtkennedy1]

Im not proud of how she felt I treated her and sometimes you've got to fight for what you want in life. Im not going to back down from that struggle. 

[Ellener]

59 minutes ago, Rtkennedy1 said:

Im not proud of how she felt I treated her and sometimes you've got to fight for what you want in life. Im not going to back down from that struggle. 

You're going to do what you're going to do...been there, done that!

Good luck, and do keep up the self-care.

[Rtkennedy1]

Thank-you,  if her reason for leaving was tied to me not putting in the effort, or not being able to put in the effort. Im goinvbto do the opposite.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Rtkennedy1 said:

Im not proud of how she felt I treated her and sometimes you've got to fight for what you want in life. Im not going to back down from that struggle. 

Well, your mum was dying, you were her caretaker, it was an extremely emotional and difficult time. 

A kind, mature, decent partner understands this and does not suddenly abandon you because you weren't giving them enough attention during this time. 

That said, I agree with Ellener, you're gonna do what you need to do.

No judgment from me, I've been there too.  I've made tons of mistakes, that's how I learned, imo it's how we all learn. 

And who knows, maybe it will work out, only time will tell.

It's all a journey.  We live, we learn, we grow, we evolve.  

Good luck!! 

Edited November 27, 2020 by poppyfields

[Rtkennedy1]

Thank you all for the support, I appreciate you all taking the time to reach out and provide advice. 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Rtkennedy1 said:

Im not proud of how she felt I treated her 

Are you sure she didn't flee from what she perceived as abusive?

Unfortunately planning her exit with her family, leaving everything behind and leaving while you were gone  is something that often advised for women trying to flee situations.

There's too much missing that you know about but seem perplexed over.

[Rtkennedy1]

There was no abuse, I treated her the best I could under the circumstances 

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, Rtkennedy1 said:

There was no abuse, I treated her the best I could under the circumstances 

Exactly!   So why do YOU feel guilty?  You did the best you could, under extremely dire circumstances and duress.

And she abandoned you.  She failed to consider what you were feeling and experiencing, thinking only of herself.  

Why would you wish to pursue a life with someone like this?  

Love, or what you possibly may perceive as love but may actually be "longing" (see prior posts explaining the difference) is not enough to warrant staying with a person like this. IMO.  Not if you love and value yourself.  

Has she thanked you for the flowers?  

Anyway, I guess nuff said. Good luck, hope it all works out for ya.  And again, my condolences for your mom's passing.  Hugs.

Edited November 28, 2020 by poppyfields

[Rtkennedy1]

I dont think they were delivered yet, at some point today

[schlumpy]

2 hours ago, Rtkennedy1 said:

I dont think they were delivered yet, at some point today

You are only giving her another opportunity to hurt you in my humble opinion.

[mark clemson]

Another poster on this forum used to write things like:

"Only you can pull yourself out of limbo" and "stop smoking the hopium pipe".

Not trying to be mean, but I think they may apply here. Make of that what you will.

[FMW]

From here forward I think you should not try to reach out to her or even seek out information or talk to other people trying to find out how she is.  You've done all you can, you certainly don't owe her anything else.  

Focus on yourself, use this time as an opportunity to focus on YOU, not the you that was a son and caretaker, not the you that is/was a fiance.  You might not quite know who that you is.  Now's a great time to find out.    

I don't think there's anything you can do right now to change her mind, she'll have to figure out things for herself.  Maybe she'll come back to you, but as has been asked, after this would you ever trust her to be reliable and stable going forward?  That's the kind of thing you should use this time apart to think about.  My guess is that if you think hard enough and are honest enough with yourself, there have been other issues that could have indicated she wasn't a stable partner.  Don't keep yourself stuck in the thought that everything was wonderful until you started caring for your mom.  I know you were talking about your future together right up until she took off, but give it some thought.  Was it still coming from an authentic place or was it the easy thing to say in the moment.    

[Rtkennedy1]

I believe it was coming from an authentic place. We knew each other well. The mystery here is horrible. Again I've still have amazon packages arriving. Father wanted to maintain relationship with me. Im in a f***ing cloud of myster, doubt,and pain.

[Rtkennedy1]

Like... your ghosting me after 5 years, and you left everythingbyou belong here??? 

[FMW]

I can only imagine your pain and misery, I know it must seem unbearable. 

I hope you'll give the comments on your post some thought though.  She had to have been aware of how badly this would affect you.  Let yourself feel some anger over that for yourself, not just concern for her.  She has her family to watch out for her.  You need to watch out for yourself. 

[Rtkennedy1]

Watching out for myself ,  but I still value the distinction of watching out for others, everyone make mistakes, and we can all get value from that. The pain I know and will endure. The desire for answers in this darkness incan pursue , but will not yield.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Rtkennedy1 said:

I believe it was coming from an authentic place. We knew each other well. The mystery here is horrible. Again I've still have amazon packages arriving. Father wanted to maintain relationship with me. Im in a f***ing cloud of myster, doubt,and pain.

Why aren't you doing something about getting her stuff out and getting her mail) packages sent to her parents.

They know what's going on it involves both thier daughters.

The father doesn't"want a relationship with you". You need to contact them to get her stuff and change her mailing address.

Obviously they talk to both thier daughters and know the whole story. 

You Need To Contact The Father And Tell Them Them To Get Her Stuff And Change Her Address 

They KNOW where she is, what's going on and why. They are also in touch with her so they can communicate about her mailing address and belongings.

Stop viewing the property left behind as a sign of hope. Hope ended during the relationship. You know that.

Stop with the flowers etc. In some states unwanted contact and gifts from someone you ran away from can be construed as stalking.

[schlumpy]

What explanation could she give you that you would find satisfying if she doesn't want to come back?

How would you have reacted if she had waited for you to come home and then told you she was leaving? 

 

[Rtkennedy1]

I would have addressed her concerns, as i have began doing already, via text during the breakup she exclaimed" its a shame it took me leaving for you to realize this"