Wiseman2 Posted December 21, 2020 Share Posted December 21, 2020 6 hours ago, Rtkennedy1 said: I still feel so responsible for the lack of sexual intamcy . I suppose this is playing a big role in self blame but from what I've read to understand is completely normal. Unfortunately, no it's not necessarily "completely normal". Shutting your partner off under stress and coping by drinking is a choice you made. When you go to a physician and therapist and get help for the drinking and grieving and depression and anxiety, you'll start to feel better. But if you keep drowning your sorrows and watering your self pity with alcohol, your descent into misery will continue. Your choice 100%. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rtkennedy1 Posted December 21, 2020 Author Share Posted December 21, 2020 Wiseman. Im not drowning my sorrows. Im sorry for everything that went on. I accept that drinking played a role. I am getting help- but drinking wasnt the only role played here. Ive been put on prescriptions for depression. I APPRECIATE THE CRITICISM..however I was never getting beligerantly drunk and abusing someone because of drinking. Perhaps I shouldent have drank anything at all and should have dealt with depression earlier or prior to my mother and her leaving. She also could have had a conversation with me regarding the importance of it to her or she would leave. Communication to me on that would have resulted in me obviously getting help she thought I needed not to lose her in my life. Im seeing Drs. Im on MEDICATION Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted December 21, 2020 Share Posted December 21, 2020 4 hours ago, Rtkennedy1 said: Wiseman. Im not drowning my sorrows. Im sorry for everything that went on. I accept that drinking played a role. I am getting help- but drinking wasnt the only role played here. Ive been put on prescriptions for depression. I APPRECIATE THE CRITICISM..however I was never getting beligerantly drunk and abusing someone because of drinking. Perhaps I shouldent have drank anything at all and should have dealt with depression earlier or prior to my mother and her leaving. She also could have had a conversation with me regarding the importance of it to her or she would leave. Communication to me on that would have resulted in me obviously getting help she thought I needed not to lose her in my life. Im seeing Drs. Im on MEDICATION You're doing great, keep going. Millions of people are drinking too much these days with all the trauma in the world, there's nothing to be shamed or criticised about. Focus on the positive, one day at a time, try not to look back or say 'if only'. The past is done. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rtkennedy1 Posted December 23, 2020 Author Share Posted December 23, 2020 I dont put all of the resposibility on her. I gave her everything I could and more. Feel defeated for putting devotion into her the way I did. I remain no contact since mid November. Seeking advice. And have begun professsional help. I still have no ill will towards her. Now that my family and friends know this outcomentheyve forbid me from ever accepting contact from her again, yet that doesn't seem to help the pain. That's up to me 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted December 23, 2020 Share Posted December 23, 2020 29 minutes ago, Rtkennedy1 said: doesn't seem to help the pain. Give it time, keep doing the positive things (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 23, 2020 Share Posted December 23, 2020 (edited) Yes. She left you at a bad time. However, it's not right or wrong that she left, just very painful right now. It's important to realize that her departure, while painful and untimely, was no mystery. She was unhappy for a long long time and even told you she needed to flee when you were not at home trying to stop her. So while it's unfortunate and of course very painful with your mother the holidays and a recent breakup, keep in mind many people have suffered much greater losses this year and are helping themselves rather than drowning thier sorrows in alcohol. Edited December 23, 2020 by Wiseman2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted December 23, 2020 Share Posted December 23, 2020 Just keepgoing @Rtkennedy1 This is a difficult time of year for many people, especially this year, but you are not alone. You have friends, and family. And support here. And you got another pet? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rtkennedy1 Posted December 23, 2020 Author Share Posted December 23, 2020 Its just me and my brother who lives in Brooklyn. IL be alone for the holidays this makes me angry at her and sad at the same time. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted December 23, 2020 Share Posted December 23, 2020 Focus on the anger. When you let yourself feel anger about what she's done you'll be further along in moving on from this. The anger will eventually turn into acknowledgment that she wasn't everything you thought she was and the realization that she wasn't the one for you. I hate the holidays, they create artificially high expectations for togetherness and celebration. It's just another day on the calendar. 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rtkennedy1 Posted December 25, 2020 Author Share Posted December 25, 2020 Having a very hard time alone for the holiday Link to post Share on other sites
ClearEyes-FullHeart Posted December 25, 2020 Share Posted December 25, 2020 Hang in there and just realize you are not alone in being alone. It’s definitely not ideal, and me and my beloved dog are making the best of it. We woke to an unbelievably beautiful sunrise. I just spent hours painting. Stay strong and try to find pleasure or appreciation in little things. Try to keep busy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ClearEyes-FullHeart Posted December 26, 2020 Share Posted December 26, 2020 Hope you are doing well today @Rtkennedy1. I just remembered reading this article when I was in your position, fresh off a breakup and after my mother passed. It’s inspired by a famous poem as noted. Anyway, I found it useful so thought I’d share. https://www.nytimes.com/2018/05/24/well/gifts-gratitude-friendship-loss-grief-stress-poetry.html Overtime (probably years) I suspect you see some unexpected gifts from this really rough time you are going through. At a minimum it’s more stories about how others have dealt with the darkness of loss and grief. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rtkennedy1 Posted December 27, 2020 Author Share Posted December 27, 2020 Having another hard day today, its been more than 45 days no contact and it still hurts. Just posting here for support. Having bad dreams . Still loss of appetit and sleep. Have psych appt on the 30th and feels like nye will be a tough day as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rtkennedy1 Posted December 30, 2020 Author Share Posted December 30, 2020 Breadcrumb received. " heyy" .... ignored. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 30, 2020 Share Posted December 30, 2020 On 12/27/2020 at 3:58 PM, Rtkennedy1 said: . Have psych appt on the 30th Excellent. Hope all goes well and your physician will do a thorough evaluation and refer you to a therapist for ongoing support. And some support groups for grieving and sobriety (you may not be able to drink this much with medications). Stick with the physician and therapists appointments. It takes a while to turn things around and feel better. Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted December 30, 2020 Share Posted December 30, 2020 (edited) I have not read your whole thread, but I sincerely hope you commit yourself to freeing yourself from alcohol (or any other substance dependence). That is a life or death situation! My high school friend just died not even two weeks ago from drinking. She drank right up until the last few days when she was admitted into hospital and then to hospice. The hospice nurse said she was on a drug to keep her from having seizures from alcohol withdraw (even though she was already unconscious for days). She was 45 years old. My dad was a "functional alcoholic." Drank only beer when he'd get home from work daily. He died one week after his 49th birthday, leaving a grieving spouse with five kids, 3 still living at home ages 14, 15, and 19. I was one of them. It was really hard! I'm sorry about your breakup. It seems it may have been one of the casualties of your drinking. My sister also struggles with alcohol dependency. She's lost relationships (and even a part-time job where she worked more than ten years) because of it. Please let this be the wake up call that saves your life!!!! Edited December 30, 2020 by HadMeOverABarrel Added text 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted December 30, 2020 Share Posted December 30, 2020 Also I'm super sorry about your rabbit. I'm also concerned for rabbit because it went to a strange home with existing dogs and cats. Aren't rabbits anxious animals (from being a prey animal) especially with dogs and cats (predator animals)? I was going to adopt a rabbit from a rescue but the rescue told me they decided not to go through with the adoption because they thought my small terrier breed dog would threaten it living in the same household. Not trying to give you more anxiety, but I think you should get your rabbit back asap. I can't imagine at all life without my dog. She's a great comfort in tough times. I hope you get your bun back asap. Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted December 30, 2020 Share Posted December 30, 2020 6 hours ago, Rtkennedy1 said: Breadcrumb received. " heyy" .... ignored. Ignore is totally the best thing to do. Focus on yourself right now. On wellbeing and going forward. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted December 30, 2020 Share Posted December 30, 2020 6 hours ago, Rtkennedy1 said: Breadcrumb received. " heyy" .... ignored. It's really something how the dumper screws with the dumpee. It's like they get a kick out of the perceived power trip. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
maggiemtn Posted December 30, 2020 Share Posted December 30, 2020 1 hour ago, trident_2020 said: It's really something how the dumper screws with the dumpee. It's like they get a kick out of the perceived power trip. That or sometimes they miss the person they dumped but refuse to see how damaging it is to the dumpee when they reach out with these little breadcrumbs. That’s why blocking your ex is the best way to go, Kennedy. That will you’ll never know one way or another. But I think it’s awesome you ignored! Great job! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dramafreezone Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 Sorry to hear this. I can't imagine how tough this is that someone you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with ups and leaves like this. That said, I think long term it's a blessing that this happened before you got married and had kids. She showed her character, or maybe she has good character generally but can't stick by you during crisis. Better to know now before kids are thrown into the mix. You'll find someone way better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 How are you doing @Rtkennedy1? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rtkennedy1 Posted January 4, 2021 Author Share Posted January 4, 2021 Still struggling every day Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 It’ll get better when you realize someone leaving you under the circumstances of you dealing with your mother dying is not the type of woman you’re going to have a meaningful relationship with anyway. Sometimes when you put someone on a pedestal it takes awhile for that fantasy you had of them to become reality of who they really are. Sounds to me like you dodged a bullet. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 12 hours ago, Rtkennedy1 said: Still struggling every day Sorry you are struggling. What is your daily routine? Are you eating properly? The months of drinking could have depleted some B vitamins. Link to post Share on other sites
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