ClearEyes-FullHeart Posted November 29, 2020 Share Posted November 29, 2020 (edited) I think it is commendable that you want to try to fix things but you are trusting everything she is saying as if it is the gospel. While none of us know what happened to cause her to flee in such a cruel way and leave you riddled with questions, doubt and a sense of failure, you need to realize that she may be gaslighting you, lying or hiding things. Most of us who have lived through a divorce or breakup of a LTR have seen a side if the other person we never knew existed, and many of us were equally shocked to realize that the person we loved and thought we knew so well didn’t live up to our vision of them. Your situation is even worse because of the horrendous way she has behaved by not even speaking to you face to face. You mentioned previously that she told one of her parents that she had to leave when you were away from the home or she could not have left. I wonder why that is? She had made up her mind to leave and perhaps she could not face her own guilty conscious if you were face to face asking for answers. I am so sorry for the pain you are going thorough. You need to get angry and stand up for yourself. You did not deserve to be treated this way. Based on what you have shared here, she is not worthy of you. I hope one day soon you will start to see this. Edited November 29, 2020 by ClearEyes-FullHeart Corrected typo 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rtkennedy1 Posted November 29, 2020 Author Share Posted November 29, 2020 The only way I know how to stand up for myself is no contact 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rtkennedy1 Posted November 29, 2020 Author Share Posted November 29, 2020 I wish i could see it sooner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted November 29, 2020 Share Posted November 29, 2020 On 11/22/2020 at 7:28 AM, Rtkennedy1 said: I responded by telling her that I am going through a very dark, depressing time, and tryed to assure her that I will get the help( which I've immediatly began to do, seeing a dr and therapist) and therapy to deal with the depression and grief of losing my mother, that my lack of affection is caused by this, and that i love her dearly and want to marry her and start a family Man none of her actions are caused by you losing your mom!!!!! She is a heartless witch that bailed on you in you time of need. My wife lost her mom and was down for months, I didn’t up and bail on her. No one bails on someone they love when a loved one is lost. 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rtkennedy1 Posted November 29, 2020 Author Share Posted November 29, 2020 She never seemed that way Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted November 29, 2020 Share Posted November 29, 2020 1 hour ago, Rtkennedy1 said: I would have addressed her concerns, as i have began doing already, via text during the breakup she exclaimed" its a shame it took me leaving for you to realize this" Again you just lost your mom. She can get over her self centered self and grow the hell up. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted November 29, 2020 Share Posted November 29, 2020 6 minutes ago, Rtkennedy1 said: She never seemed that way We never see the flaws in someone we love. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted November 29, 2020 Share Posted November 29, 2020 I think you have already packed her things up. I would store them off to the side. If she doesn’t contact you in a in a month since her leaving, I would contact her sister. Tell her that your ex has one week to decide what she wants to do with her stuff. If you don’t hear back in a week it’s going to goodwill or eBay. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rtkennedy1 Posted December 1, 2020 Author Share Posted December 1, 2020 Stjll no contact. In therapy today for help and medication. No word from her or what was my family Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rtkennedy1 Posted December 1, 2020 Author Share Posted December 1, 2020 horrible Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rtkennedy1 Posted December 2, 2020 Author Share Posted December 2, 2020 horrible, bizzare and can't get her out of my mind, therepy session today, and trying to continue self growth and healing. Everydsy has been a struggle Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted December 2, 2020 Share Posted December 2, 2020 You don't sound so good. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rtkennedy1 Posted December 2, 2020 Author Share Posted December 2, 2020 I guess im not Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted December 2, 2020 Share Posted December 2, 2020 Hang in there man, it gets better. You were ok before you met her and you'll be ok again. The mind can play some serious games and have you convinced things are much worse than they really are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rtkennedy1 Posted December 2, 2020 Author Share Posted December 2, 2020 seems like some big misunderst that she blew up on Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted December 2, 2020 Share Posted December 2, 2020 That doesn't appear to be the case at all, but of course all I know is what you've written and the fact that people don't just cut and run from a 4 year relationship due to one big misunderstanding. This seems to be the result of you going into a depressed state for a long time, and she either couldn't or wouldn't deal with your lack of emotional responsiveness to her during this time. Unfortunately depression is a relationship killer. It takes a very special person to hang on for months or longer especially if the depressed person isn't seeking treatment or improving on their own. None of this is your fault. . Link to post Share on other sites
ClearEyes-FullHeart Posted December 2, 2020 Share Posted December 2, 2020 10 hours ago, Rtkennedy1 said: No word from her or what was my family This is a hard thing. When my marriage failed, this also happened to me. I did exchange some nice emails with my MIL but radio silence from everyone else. I think it’s human nature but it sucks and is painful. Don’t take it personally - even though it feels that way it just isn’t. Try the Sam Harris meditation app - it can help tame your mind and teach you how to stop spinning and cycling through your head. Hang in there - it will get better! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted December 2, 2020 Share Posted December 2, 2020 How are you doing today @Rtkennedy1? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rtkennedy1 Posted December 2, 2020 Author Share Posted December 2, 2020 Not well, just trying to take care of myself. Thinking of her and trying to distract myself. Almost impossible, I still can't understand how this was her only option over having a fagionL conversation with me. In pai . I. Sorrow. Blaining myself and lining. The flowdrs I sent got no response. I wish i was stronger. I wish i could hear her voice. Found out ahe got a job down in northcarolina. Haven't made any attempt to color text, and niether have i Link to post Share on other sites
ClearEyes-FullHeart Posted December 2, 2020 Share Posted December 2, 2020 All you can do is stay busy and as much as possible stop thinking of her. Once you can get her stuff packed up and out of the house (or moved to garage/out of sight) the better. Rearrange things, spread out and use the entire closet, etc. You (probably) never will get “closure” from her but over time you will achieve that on your own. The reality is that there is nothing she could even say that will make sense to you as to why she didn’t talk it over first before leaving. Keep making it through each day and celebrate the mini milestones and successes you accrue over time. Time is the great healer and 2020 has been such a tough year for this world (and you personally), it’s nice to know we click over to a fresh new year in just a few weeks. Get in the mindset of a fresh new start for you and hopefully you will have her stuff packed and gone by then. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted December 2, 2020 Share Posted December 2, 2020 It will get better. Try to stop finding out things about her? Keep taking care of yourself and look at the advice from @ClearEyes-FullHeart above. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 3, 2020 Share Posted December 3, 2020 At some level you know why she left. Unfortunately it's the manner she did that is still a mystery to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rtkennedy1 Posted December 3, 2020 Author Share Posted December 3, 2020 She left because I was depressed, wasn't being affectionat , not capable of ghe intimacy she craved and emotionally unavailable. She wasn't happy Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rtkennedy1 Posted December 3, 2020 Author Share Posted December 3, 2020 (edited) and I was, I saw it then and see it now..and im getting treatment to change that. Edited December 3, 2020 by Rtkennedy1 Spell Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rtkennedy1 Posted December 3, 2020 Author Share Posted December 3, 2020 Hard day at work work so far, difficult to concentrate. No contact is torture and I miss her dearly... not doing well emotiinally Link to post Share on other sites
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