Married men reveal

[HadMeOverABarrel]

@Whaatamidoing Pack your bags, Sister!

[elaine567]

25 minutes ago, central said:

if you look at how he treats his wife, also look at how she treats him and how that can reasonably influence his attitude to her.

She is a woman who is aware he has has a mistress, and he uses her "desperation" to get what he wants...

He leaves selective "suspicious" texts around for her to find to keep her on her toes...
One can only hope the worm turns one day...

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Also, BONUS: if you do it now, you can get the crappy "first holidays we are not together" out of the way at the beginning of grieving this situationship rather than it popping up making you feel crappy again one year from now!

Bite the bullet and do it now. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

22 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

the worm turns

I learned something new...interesting expression that I'll begin to use! 😄👍💙

[Pottering About]

There is an old song by Sandie Shaw which reached no 1 in the UK charts many years ago which may resonate
 

[Chorus]
I wonder if one day that
You'll say that you care
If you say you love me madly
I'll gladly be there
Like a puppet on a string

[Verse 1]
Love is just like a merry-go-round
With all the fun of a fair
One day I'm feeling down on the ground
Then I'm up in the air
Are you leading me on?
Tomorrow will you be gone?


[Verse 2]
I may win on the roundabout
Then I'll lose on the swings
In or out, there is never a doubt
Just who's pulling the strings
I'm all tied up in you
But where's it leading me to?

[Pottering About]

Sorry, forgot to say title is Puppet On A String. Check it out on YouTube, great song irrespective of any relevance here.

[Whaatamidoing]

So so many thoughts posted on here and I am grateful for your individual experiences being shared.

I think much of what I am feeling is defeat, I know there are many threads about not comparing yourself to the wife and men who have posted to say it never entered their minds to compare because of the ability to compartmentalise, when you are at home you are at home and when you are with your OW that's where you are.

I do compare myself, who wouldn't and I guess its partly jealousy because the wife doesn't have to compare herself to anyone. (I am aware how ridiculous that is given that he goes behind her back everyday). I will give a for instance here because I am aware of how messed up it sounds. She doesn't know when my birthday is but I know when hers is because he tells me about it, I know when and where she and him go on holiday, she doesn't know when he and I go out, I know what drinks they drink together, she wouldn't have a clue what to order me in a bar, I know where and how often she has her hair cut, she wouldn't know the length of mine, I know the style she has, I know the problems she has at work, she doesn't know about mine. She doesnt know anything about me other than we work together.

My point being that he talks about everything to me, I am unaware on whether he does it to keep that little green monster in me alive and keep me keen or he thinks of me more a friend he can just say anything to. In the long run, I will get fed up, I will move on and they will continue with their lives, she will never experience the worry I feel. Its almost like I am the wife and I've found out about the OW as I compare myself to her constantly because he gives me access to what I am comparing against. I don't even have to FB stalk, he just tells me. I sit there smiling thinking please stop talking, he doesn't understand how much it hurts me.

Do MM all behave like this or do they try and keep their private lives private? I don't think the AP should know some of the things I know. Its a really strange amount of trust. If I was to get angry one day I have enough evidence to completely destroy both their lives (she is a Principal and I could certainly get her fired). I think he probably knows I don't have it in me but its really quite odd to put that amount of trust in someone and then not really even try to keep them happy.

Thoughts?

[Whaatamidoing]

Regards the birthday, of the evening of, I have to sit and wonder what they are doing- i think we all know. But on my birthday she wouldn't know it even was. Both versions are not great but ignore is bliss.

[Wiseman2]

Well it's entirely up to you how long you want to play his game, whatever it is.

All you know is that you're single lonely on the sidelines and he goes home to his family.

Why won't you date single available men?

[Whaatamidoing]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why won't you date single available men?

I would but I would need to get out of this, time to heal and then see if somethings happens with someone new. I didn't mean to get into this situation. As someone else said inertia took hold. I don't even look because I thought I was in love and ironically being faithful.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Whaatamidoing said:

I would but I would need to get out of this, time to heal and then see if somethings happens with someone new. I didn't mean to get into this situation. 

It's as simple as getting a good profile and pics on quality/paid dating apps and messaging and meeting men.

You're not in an exclusive relationship. So there's no excuse. Keep in mind, real relationships require more presence. 

Affairs are Always deliberate. They never "just happen". Affairs are easy. Affairs are lazy.

Decide for yourself if you are happy this way.

[Milly May June]

I can tell you from personal experience that my former XWH shared personal information about myself with the other woman. That was a very difficult thing for me to come to terms with. To know that there was another person out there who knew me in an intimate leval that was only reserved for people i love and trust. Things ranging from my views on politics, friends relationships, preferance in bed to food i liked or disliked. It was invasive and right out creepy and wrong. For me, apart from the lying and gaslighting that, that someone knew me so intimatly without my knowledge or consent, was the hardest part to deal with. It still affects me to this day, more than 15 years later. I rarely share personal information the way i used to with people. And its really really sad. If you find yourself in this situation again, i urge you to set boundries with this man and show at least some compassion for his wifes privacy. Tell him that he is not to discuss his wife or family with you. 

I also agree with others that have posted, you need to start experiencing real relationships in the open. I also recomend some therapy to figure out why you accept so little. 

This relationship is a dead end. You know it. Save yourself years of misery and end it now. And when the time is right, tell the wife so the poor woman can live an authentic life. You do not need to be jelous of the wife. Trust me, this woman is living in a lie and a sham of a marriage. She just does not know it yet. 

[mark clemson]

^^ I believe what MMJ has noted has been stated before by other BWs as well here.  You may be suffering now with this "knowledge" but if his BW ever finds out and begins to understand the extent to which her life got discussed, she too may suffer from the knowledge that her private life was "invaded" in this way. So a lose/lose.

[pepperbird2]

op,

doesn't it make you feel squeamish to hear all these details about his wife? why do you put up with that?

[Whaatamidoing]

3 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

op,

doesn't it make you feel squeamish to hear all these details about his wife? why do you put up with that?

Oh it really does. Its awful, I have told him I don't want to know. I genuinely don't want to know. It just feels like there are blurred lines for him about who or what I am to him. It feels like we are best friends who have fantastic sex. I find the boundaries difficult because I feel I have no say about anything in his life. The things I think I would normally object to in a conventional relationship I find difficult because he's married so what's the point of me objecting he'll just move on if I make life difficult.

[Wiseman2]

Interestingly, there are risk factors for being cheated on as far as personality traits.

Those same personality traits are also prevalent in side lovers.

It includes a doormat, head in the sand type of style. A fantasy like imagine of themselves, thier lives,etc. A tendency to adopt a victim/martyr Identity. A sort of self-absorbtion that allows obvious things to disappear.

So you need to decide what makes you happy and why.

[Prudence V]

15 hours ago, Whaatamidoing said:

what's the point of me objecting he'll just move on if I make life difficult.

His needs being met = what’s expected

Your needs being met = “making life difficult”

How is this a relationship? 

[Whaatamidoing]

Appreciate both comments there. I wouldn't say i adopt a martyr or victim identity. It has been a relief to actually say something about how I am feeling and some of the things that whirl around inside my head. In 7 years I have never told another sole about my relationship and that has been the hardest part, I have spoken hypothetically to girlfriends but not in the same, detailed way you can when the relationship is open. I get that the wife is the victim here but it has been good to be able to be open and get some realistic opinions that aren't just slating the OW for her existence. 

I would agree that I have been a doormat, I felt I was working towards something and I have had my head in the sand about it not happening. Until recently I haven't felt ready to let go of him. For all we have been through, it still breaks my heart to realise that we will one day and one day soon be no more than strangers. I am somewhat in control because he will happily go along with it until I am fed up, of course who wouldn't- he's been living his best life. When I move on, I am accepting that I was nothing more to him than a stop gap that happened to drag on for 7 years. The irony with the 7 year itch. I am not a victim per se, but surely anyone would have a hard time dealing with that fact. 

 

[Milly May June]

Being a betrayed wife myself i have had little compassion for cheaters and affair partners. But my compassion for affair partners grew when i listended to a podcast where a therapist explained that being an OW or OM is one of the hardest positions to be in. This therapist said that APs often invest so much without getting much back. Mix in the fact that APs rarely can share their experience openly without being judged makes being an AP a very lonely experience. So on a human leval i do feel for you and others in your situation. Your posts shows just how lonely you are in all of this and how much you invested in this man without even getting an ounce of anything back. I dont mean to offend you but you are literally a ghost in this mans life. That is no way to live. Demand better for yourself. In time when you gain some perspective you will realise that this guy is no catch and that he has been using you. And I also hope that someday you own your part in the affair and inform his wife for no other reason then being compassionate so this woman can choose if she wants to stay married or live a more authentic life without deciet. 

 

[Timshel]

25 minutes ago, Milly May June said:

for no other reason then being compassionate so this woman can choose if she wants to stay married or live a more authentic life without deciet. 

 

For no other reason than being compassionate so this woman can choose if she will stay an affair partner or live a more authentic life without deceit.

This thread is about you Whaatamidoing; not the married man you are having an affair with or his wife. 

You have made yourself an escape from life. You have your pretty place, with pretty things in a pretty made up world.  For seven years you have kept yourself in a virtual reality, a bubble wrap of your psyche.  You gloss around life with no genuine contact with others; everything has been about your secret world, your oasis from...everything. No one really knows you/you don't know yourself.

Seven years and I would guess longer is a very long time to have a dissociative relationship with reality, with people, with your experience of life in general. You will need help to get out of fantasy and into reality.  Please reach out to a professional counselor, preferably a licensed psychologist. You are hiding from the world and this affair has been your escape from it...find out why.

 

[SS2855]

2 hours ago, Whaatamidoing said:

Appreciate both comments there. I wouldn't say i adopt a martyr or victim identity. It has been a relief to actually say something about how I am feeling and some of the things that whirl around inside my head. In 7 years I have never told another sole about my relationship and that has been the hardest part, I have spoken hypothetically to girlfriends but not in the same, detailed way you can when the relationship is open. I get that the wife is the victim here but it has been good to be able to be open and get some realistic opinions that aren't just slating the OW for her existence. 

I would agree that I have been a doormat, I felt I was working towards something and I have had my head in the sand about it not happening. Until recently I haven't felt ready to let go of him. For all we have been through, it still breaks my heart to realise that we will one day and one day soon be no more than strangers. I am somewhat in control because he will happily go along with it until I am fed up, of course who wouldn't- he's been living his best life. When I move on, I am accepting that I was nothing more to him than a stop gap that happened to drag on for 7 years. The irony with the 7 year itch. I am not a victim per se, but surely anyone would have a hard time dealing with that fact. 

 

I feel for you and going through the same- just after 2 years though. I think for so long I let the fantasy take over, even knowing he would not leave until kids in college (I know of course it’s an excuse- he wouldn’t be leaving). It’s a hard pill to swallow and a deep mind spiral when you start to wonder if there was really love or was it simply just a stop gap. Also I do think deep therapy is needed to heal properly from this and make piece of the fantasy life ending. I think there was love there for you but it’s hard to believe it when you are the third party. Big hugs to you.