Strip Club Problem...Help.

[JBender]

I've been reading a lot of the posts on strip clubs and visits, but none quite fit the situation I am in. I hope all of you can give me some input.

 

Let me start with myself. I'm a 22 year old male. I've been in a long distance relationship with a girl whom I've been dating for a little over a year.

 

Last week I went to Las Vegas. One night I went to a strip club with one of the guys who I made the trip with. I rarely attend strip clubs, but since I've never been to one in Vegas, I figured I'd try it out.

 

I should note that going is nothing I thought twice about. I don't go often, and I openly tell my girlfriend on the occasion I do. To me they are harmless. It's just a fun time, and isn't satisfying in a sexual way for me. I'm usually just drinking and laughing and having a good time with my friends. I actually think guys who get into it sexually are sort of monkey-esque; something I pride myself in not being.

 

So anyway, at some point I get a lapdance. Now what I'm used to during a lapdance is that you just sit there and no touching is allowed; no problem there. I guess Vegas is a little different because when the stripper noticed that I was just leaving my hands at my sides, she put them on her. She also proceeded to make it known that she wanted me to use my mouth as well. So the bottom line is that I ended up feeling her upper body with my hands, and using my mouth on her breasts and neck (no mouth kissing).

 

I didn't feel anything was wrong until late the next day. I had been fine all day, and all of a sudden it hit me. Did I cheat on my girlfriend? My stomach bottomed out and the conflict started.

 

It's tearing me apart, because I don't know how I should look at what happened. How I end up treating what happened could make or break my relationship. I don't question that if she knew what happened it would bother her. But by the same token, if I told her outright that I masturbate to the thought of other girls her reaction would be to be bothered too. So just because the explicit stating of it would bug her doesn't warrant me saying something. I'm just trying to guage how serious what happened was. For example, if I went out to a bar and ended up sleeping with a girl I picked up, I'd tell her in a heartbeat. That would be a major transgression. I don't know where this falls though. She knew I went to the strip club and was fine with that. Based on my past strip club experience, I went into it and the thought never crossed my mind that anything could happen that would be a serious issue. The stripper and I even talked for a while beforehand about my girlfriend and her fiancee. It just seemed so harmless in my mind, until I looked back on it later the next day. Am I just being paranoid because the last thing I'd want to do is hurt my girlfriend? Or did I really do something terrible?

 

This is really killing me. My girlfriend means the world to me, and I'm not sure how to feel about what happened. My mind really can see it in two different ways. As being a harmless thing and being a serious thing. I just don't know which is right and which is just paranoia or rationalization. If I knew for sure it was a terrible thing, I would tell her even if it meant risking the end to our relationship. If I didn't tell her, I'd be making a fool out of her and making a joke out of the relationship. It means to much to me to do that. On the other hand, if what happened really was not a bad thing then I wouldn't feel like it needs to be brought up. I wouldn't lie to her if she asked me a direct question. But just like the masturbation example, there's no point to saying it. And I do know that what happened is more serious than masturbation, I'm just using it as an analogy.

 

I apologize for the long post, but I have so many thoughts on the issue I couldn't even get them all down.

 

I'd appreciate any input.

[CarmenIbanez]

In these situations, confession is a selfish act that will only make you feel better and her feel worse. If you feel this was a one time transgression, and you have no intention of committing it again, then buck up, suck up and keep it to yourself.

 

Whether you "cheated" or not is irrelevant, by the way.

[JBender]

Are you saying that even if this was a much more serious transgression such as sleeping with a girl I meet, the same rule applies? Or does the nature of what happened govern your recommendation?

 

Thanks for the input.

[morrigan]

How would you feel if your girlfriend kissed a male stripper on his neck and chest, and felt his body? Would you want her to be honest with you about it?

 

If you wouldn't want her doing that to another guy, don't do it to another girl--regardless if she's a stripper or not. It's up to you to decide if you want to tell your girlfriend, or bury it and not do it again.

[Hunny]

By all accounts you seem very sorry about what happened so your not likely to offend again, no point in telling her, your just gonna hurt her and as Carmen says its pretty selfish to tell her and relieve your own guilt.

 

BTW I'd class it as cheating, although it was unbeknowns to you at the time but to caress and kiss another girls breasts is cheating in my book, stripper or not!

[CptHowdy]

Dude. Just because the stripper put your hands on her didn't mean you had to keep them there. Just because you felt she wanted you to use your mouth didn't mean you had to. You were sucking on some girls tits and feeling her up, YES YOU CHEATED. Your girlfriend deserves better than that. If I were her, I'd want you to tell me so I could dump your ass and find someone who'd respect our relationship.

[CarmenIbanez]

I guess my point is that honesty is overrated in certain situations. My suggestion that you not tell her was based in part on the type of transgression, but mostly it was based in the fact that you seem remorseful, you know what you did was wrong, and you don't intend to make that mistake again.

 

Now I know I'll get a ration of sh*t for saying you don't intend to do it again, because the overly judgemental and obviously inexperienced people that frequent these forums think that once a cheater always a cheater. But I don't believe that, because it hasn't been my experience. People make mistakes that they never repeat, and because that is possible, it seems stupid and selfish to burden your girl with that information.

 

We live in a society that forgives (supposedly) so long as we all confess and say we're sorry. But sorry is as much about action as it is about words. If you are really sorry, you will suck it up and never do it again. THAT is remorse. All this false remorse as honesty so that WE can forgive ourselves and burden the rest of world with our bad behavior is for crap!

[Jlmic1]

Dude. Just because the stripper put your hands on her didn't mean you had to keep them there. Just because you felt she wanted you to use your mouth didn't mean you had to. You were sucking on some girls tits and feeling her up, YES YOU CHEATED. Your girlfriend deserves better than that. If I were her, I'd want you to tell me so I could dump your ass and find someone who'd respect our relationship.

 

I completley agree with this poster.

 

What you did was cheat, weather you feel badly about it or not.

 

As to weather or not to tell your girlfriend about it.... All I can say is that if my boyfriend/husband cheated on me, I would want to know so that I could leave.

 

That kind of behaviour isn't excusable to me, not even if you do feel bad and it was only one time.

[CarmenIbanez]

So you would want to know, so you could dump his ass and leave in a raging huff. Instead of not knowing, having him from that day forward be a wonderful, loving and wiser man who wants nothing more but to do the right thing and love you and has chosen to use one bad mistake as a life lesson that will forever make him a better person.

 

I just cannot believe the way society has bastardized the meaning of remorse and forgiveness.

 

Honesty, ain't it grand.

[Jlmic1]

I would want to know so that I could leave.

 

I don't know about leaving in a "raging huff", but I know that no matter how bad that I would want to forgive my boyfriend/husband of doing something like this, I would never be able to trust him again.

 

It's not a healty relationship when you can't trust the other person.

[CarmenIbanez]

The society we have crafted is black or white. Right or wrong. If your child made a mistake, would you leave them? Or would you understand that mistakes aren't the whole of who we are? Would you be willing to give your child, your friend, your mother or father, the benefit of the doubt? Would you assume that because someone made one mistake, that they would be incapable of ever doing right again? Why do we hold the people we love to such high standards?

 

I am not supporting/excusing cheating. This is a discussion (at least for me) of what it means to be honest. And if being honest is always the right thing. We censor ourselves every day from telling the truth to people when we know it will hurt them. That doesn't mean that we are malicious, or even dishonest. It means we are higher thinking beings that realize there is more the life than black or white.

 

I guess this is too philosophical a point for this forum.

[Jlmic1]

I'm perfectly capable of understanding a philosophical point.

 

I do understand and agree with what you are saying... to a point.

 

However, in my personal experience when someone cheats, it is very hard if not impossible to ever trust that person again.

 

It's not like your child screwing up.

 

It's not like your spouse stayed out too long, or drank to much, or yelled at you etc.. When someone cheats, they have violated you, your relationship, your dignity, your health ( not in this instance ) etc.. and it is very hard to simply forgive and forget that kind of behaviour.

[New_Wife]

Don't tell her & Don't do it again.

 

The guilt will remind you not to.

 

Pleasuring yourself to thoughts of another woman and sexually interacting with another woman are two completely different things.

 

But, in this instance, no bodily fluids were exchanged - so there's no risk that you'll be putting her in danger of an STD from it. The only benefit to telling her is to clear your conscience, and the risk is that you'll hurt her terribly and lose your relationship. Leave your conscience burdened - and remember this every time you're tempted.

 

Just my $.02

[CarmenIbanez]

I didn't mean to imply that you couldn't understand a philosophical point! I meant that maybe it wasn't the right forum for the exchange.

 

Why is it so different from your children? Because we don't offer our spouses and partners the same kind of unconditional love that we offer our children. We don't because we feel like we have a lifetime bond with our children that can never be broken. That no matter what happens, we forgive our children and expect that they will try to do better. But we never afford this to our spouses, do we? Why? Because to do so would entail trusting them, even when we don't know what they are doing. It is the kind of faith that we seem to reserve only for god and our children. And the lack of faith in our partners is what keeps most of us from ever being completely in love.

 

The funny thing is that we see something along the lines of this guy's behavior as so egregious, so completely betraying, that we would leave him/her for such a thing? I just wonder if we expect too much, get too little and live life a little bit less for it?

[CptHowdy]

The funny thing is that we see something along the lines of this guy's behavior as so egregious, so completely betraying, that we would leave him/her for such a thing? I just wonder if we expect too much, get too little and live life a little bit less for it?

 

I honestly do not believe it is too much to expect that our loving partners do not have physical sexual contact with another woman. Sucking on her breasts? come on, that's so far over the line.

 

And as to your point of unconditional love. I love my parents unconditionally. But had they abused or molested me, I can honestly say that I would never trust them again, no matter how remorseful. And if my partner betrayed my trust (and no, im not saying this is the same thing, but it would certainly be a large enough violation of trust in my eyes) same goes. I wouldn't be able to trust them, and therefore I wouldn't be able to be with them. I could forgive in both circumstances and hold no ill feelings towards the other party, BUT that doesn't mean they would have earned back the trust they once had. Forgiveness and trust are two totally different things. You seem to have this notion that forgiveness means we need to have faith and trust the person again and I just don't see that as being the case. Forgiveness is given, trust is earned.

[makaze]

But we never afford this to our spouses, do we? Why?

 

Because it is a completely different thing? I don't even know whether I should bother explaining...

 

A child makes mistakes because it doesn't know any better. Children don't make mistakes that abuse your trust and disrespect you in that way, it's not expected of them not to. It's hardly rocket-science for a more mature person to know what's wrong and right. And also, you choose your partner, not your children or your parents or anybody who you will love simply because they're always connected to you in some way. God, if you're going to look on your SO as if it were your naive little child whom you can forgive these one-time mistakes then you're in for something.

 

And to reply to the initial poster, yes it is cheating. Sorry but I would dump you regardless of how sorry you felt, and would definitely not want you to keep it from me. I do believe you love her and all but if I were in your shoes, I would really feel like I got what I deserved if she dumped me.

[BadBadGirl]

of course it's cheating. what, you think because you paid for it, it doesn't count? what if this had been some chick you met in a grocery store? or your girl's best friend? would it not be cheating if you met a girl at a bar and you sucked on her tyts?

 

would it be cheating if your girlfriend licked the tip of a male stripper's dyck? or let him suck on her tyts?

 

you are the one who chose to have sexual contact with someone else....

now you owe her the choice of forgiving you or leaving you.

 

are you not man enough that you can't tell a girl (in this case, a stripper) "i'd rather keep my hands to myself, thank you."?

 

if you don't tell her, i hope it weighs on your mind every time you look at her.

[JBender]

A few things.

 

It's not a matter of being man enough. It's a matter of not wanting to hurt her needlessly. My question was if it was necessary to tell her. I don't consider what I did that serious. I'm sorry, but I don't. I'd consider doing what I did with a random "girl from the grocery store" far worse. And you know something? If she went to a male strip club and licked a man's chest, I wouldn't consider it cheating. I'd feel a little jealous, but not cheated on. I'm not holding a double standard. Take this for example: she's fine with me going to strip clubs, getting lap dances, and even touching them above the waist. She would not be fine with me getting a lap dance at a bar from a random person. So there is clearly a difference. Is getting a massage at a spa as bad as getting one from a random girl? I don't think so.

 

Carmen Ibanez, I appreciate the way you think. It's very insightful and mature. I agree totally. And as to the post about children not knowing any better? That may go for young children. But are you telling me that people never make mistakes as teenagers? There are plenty of times when a child makes mistakes they are fully aware of. Lied to a parent and snuck out of their room for instance. They lose the parents trust, but they are forgiven and it is earned back. And on that note how many times have people lied or gone behind their parents back and never said anything? All of you I'd bet. EVERYONE makes mistakes. Certain ones may be forgiven, but it is possible for it to be too serious for forgiveness. In my case, as I said, I don't think it's that serious.

 

I think too many people look at life as cut and dry. You did so-and-so, so you must be dumped and never forgiven. Honestly, on a gradient of no-no's, I don't think what happened is that bad. I mean, if you preach unquestionably I should be dumped, what would you do to a boyfriend who cheated behind your back and had a relationship with a girl? Behead him? To all the people who think it is, I'm sure you wouldn't be ok with your boyfriend going to a strip club and touching, so we'd never date to begin with. By already being on such a different page than myself and my girlfriend, telling me what you would do is invalid. The nature of the relationship governs the seriousness of things you do. You can't just say universally, that if you do this, then this must happen. Some girls get mad when they're boyfriends look at girls. Some girls have open relationships. There's a whole gradient of tolerance and acceptability. I feel this must be considered.

 

As Carmen said, it's not a matter of black and white. Physical contact with another is such a broad description you can't possible treat it all the same.

[lbfbeamount]

Why ask for advice then, if it's all invalid? You're just spinning to yourself not to tell her anyway. If you know your girlfriend so well, you wouldn't have an issue with this anyway. You'd clearly know what the boundaries of flirting/touching other people are for both of you.

 

You'd either tell her and be mature enough to deal with what she says about it (and yeah, she may not see it as a big deal at all) or you'll hide it totally. So just drop it then.

[makaze]

Have to applaud.

[TnT]

Interesting situation.

I must say this seems to be a waste of a post when u r asking for advice, but the last post u wrote that she knows about the lap dances and how she doesnt mind that u touch above the waist etc etc. Obvioulsy u have both spoken about this in the past, so y are u confused now? IMO, i would hate it if my bf done that, its bad to think that i am not enough for him. Everyone looks at the opp sex, but, only the ppl who have respect for their relationship and their partner do not perform such acts.

[BadBadGirl]

 

And you know something? If she went to a male strip club and licked a man's chest, I wouldn't consider it cheating. I'd feel a little jealous, but not cheated on. I'm not holding a double standard. Take this for example: she's fine with me going to strip clubs, getting lap dances, and even touching them above the waist. She would not be fine with me getting a lap dance at a bar from a random person. So there is clearly a difference. Is getting a massage at a spa as bad as getting one from a random girl? I don't think so.

 

 

 

a woman's breasts are considered much more sexual than a man's chest. there is a reason that women are not to walk around topless, and men can with no problems. i didn't ask what if she licked his chest, i said if she licked his dyck (the basic sexual part of a man) would it be considered cheating.

 

massages are not the same. it is not meant to be sexual touching. strip clubs are sexually-charged places---massages parlours are not supposed to be. some people get massages as a part of therapy, mental or physical. were you at the strip club for medical problem involving breast-sucking therapy? i'd love to see that documentation.

 

i guess my question is, if you're going to justify everything you did to people that you asked for advice, and your girlfriend has no problem with it, then...well, what?

[deesgirl]

Yes you should tell her. If this kind of thing has never happened before, how do you know that you didn't cross a boundary?

 

She also should know that you found nothing wrong with it. She would then have the choice to decide if you two are compatible.

 

I would really wonder about a man that thought he had to do something just because a stripper wanted him to. Would a HJ or BJ been okay too? Just because you paid her doesn't mean it isn't cheating.

[hooghie]

I would really wonder about a man that thought he had to do something just because a stripper wanted him to. Would a HJ or BJ been okay too? Just because you paid her doesn't mean it isn't cheating.

 

Maybe his wife should buy a frew drinks for a guy she meets and then do whatever this guy asks her to. I'm sure that would be ok...

 

Sorry, but this double standard of 'well if I pay her and it's her job then that makes it ok' really makes me mad. Us girls don't have to pay for it and can easily find guys who are only interested in us sexually. THAT IS THE SAME THING.

[CarmenIbanez]

I think everyone needs to stop projecting their own baggage onto other people's posts. This guy asked a very specific question about whether or not he should tell the girl about what happened. We all gave advice, and he listened to all the advice and made a decision. If he didn't take your advice, that doesn't mean that he had no right to post his question.