TornadoHurricane Posted November 18, 2020 Share Posted November 18, 2020 (edited) My wife of 8yrs had a ONS. She said it was 3 things: 1)She’s never been happy for this long(we recently surpassed her longest relationship) and felt she didn’t deserve it. Self sabotaging. 2)Didn’t feel secure in my love. Whatever that means. She is one for negative self talk and didn’t believe I actually loved her. 3)A 2yr hiatus of an ovulation cycle due to pregnancy and medical issues. Where to begin? So my wife of 8yrs had a one night stand. She created a social media account, first guy that contacts her she talks to, sends nudes, invites them over(not actually believing they would, they lived 4hrs away), they show up, they meet, they have sex. [redacted] I don’t know what to do or think. She’s been sad and depressed since doing this. Says she felt like she was being “pulled by strings.” But idk. This was completely out of character for her. I love her. And yeah, I cheated 5yrs ago. Something that she says she got over but still has triggers over if I get too close to female coworkers. So I’ve stopped talking to them more than I would anyone else. But I didn’t plan a whole meet up like she did. Even if it was all done within 4hrs. My situation just happened because I naively put myself in a dumb position. Anyway, I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want this. I just want my life before this happened. Lots of hysterical bonding initiated on both sides but... anger and pain soon follow inside me. I am 8 weeks post DDay. I don’t know if I should leave and start new or stay and work through. I know people on forums say the pain never goes away but people in real life have told me they’ve gotten over it. idk what to do. Also, her version of events sound plausible? Edited November 19, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redacted unnecessary sexual details Link to post Share on other sites
Guildford Posted November 19, 2020 Share Posted November 19, 2020 You should forgive your wife and reconcile. You both violated your wedding vows which should help you understand the others transgression. You should not get out a spreadsheet in order to determine who's transgression was the more egregious. That will not help you reconcile. It sounds like your wife has some serious insecurity problems, you should make a point of regularly letting her know that you love her. My wife keeps a "sunshine file" and if perhaps I give her a birthday card that she likes it goes into the file to be retrieved when she is feeling down. I have never experienced something like you describe, but if my wife had a ONS similar to the one you describe, I believe I would have a feeling more of pity rather than anger. It did not sound like she was having fun, and she is not likely to repeat the stunt. Forgive and work on strengthening your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
gamon Posted November 19, 2020 Share Posted November 19, 2020 Neither one of you deserves the other. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted November 19, 2020 Share Posted November 19, 2020 Your wife stayed when you cheated. You need to at least do the same. The two of you can work this out if you both try. The two of you can heal together. The anger and pain will past with time. At least give it 6 months before you make your decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Caauug Posted November 20, 2020 Share Posted November 20, 2020 On 11/19/2020 at 3:26 AM, TornadoHurricane said: She created a social media account, first guy that contacts her she talks to, sends nudes, invites them over(not actually believing they would, they lived 4hrs away), they show up, they meet, they have sex. Hummmm, and you believe that? What's with the "THEY"? More than one dude came to pump? Or was it a couple for FFM 3some? No matter what anyone says two wrongs don't make a right!!! On 11/19/2020 at 3:26 AM, TornadoHurricane said: I don’t want this. I just want my life before this happened. Hate to tell you, you can not undo it. You can not turn back time. As for the 3 things? 1&2 is blame shifting and directed your way.... 3 is something no one can control so it's not her fault for inviting some dude(s) she had never met and didn't know anything about to pump her hard!!! Did she let you lick her clean the same night? On 11/19/2020 at 3:26 AM, TornadoHurricane said: Also, her version of events sound plausible? For a working girl charging by the hour? Yes. For wife material? No. It's your choice what you will do. 8 weeks and you still don't know? Looks like you will stick around for more abuse. Look after your health and get regular testing for STD's & STI's, never know what she will bring home. I would rule out having a family with her or any more kids if you already have some. If you do have kids with her, spend the money and get a DNA to find out if they are yours.... She doesn't need to know about this. If you do end up leaving you will not want to pay for kids that are not yours. Look after yourself, it appears by your wife's actions she does not have your best interests at heart. Get tested and protect yourself both health and financially. Be prepared for more. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted November 20, 2020 Share Posted November 20, 2020 What's so strange about this is how deliberate and specific her actions are. I agree that's odd. I think many people sort of slip into affairs via friendships or social attention, but this was more like a specific act. Perhaps this is stating the obvious, but I think it was a revenge affair. She indicates she didn't enjoy it much, BUT was happy to provide you all the details she probably knew would bother you immensely. Possibly the resentment about your original affair "festered" within her until she decided she "had to" take this action. So, rugsweeping her feelings in a way perhaps led to this. (That's not an excuse BTW, just an analysis of what may have happened.) I suspect you could both use IC and then marriage counseling to consider whether you both actually want to stay married. I think you do, ultimately, but I it seems like there are substantial issues to sort out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 20, 2020 Share Posted November 20, 2020 Yes a revenge affair may be possible but could she be Bipolar? During manic phases the affected person may have no control of their actions. Which may explain why she felt she was being pulled by strings... Poor judgment, lack of impulse control and hypersexuality are all hallmarks of a manic episode and thus can lead to infidelity. Now she is depressed which can be the other side of the Bipolar coin. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Harry Korsnes Posted November 20, 2020 Share Posted November 20, 2020 3 hours ago, mark clemson said: What's so strange about this is how deliberate and specific her actions are. I agree that's odd. I think many people sort of slip into affairs via friendships or social attention, but this was more like a specific act. Perhaps this is stating the obvious, but I think it was a revenge affair. She indicates she didn't enjoy it much, BUT was happy to provide you all the details she probably knew would bother you immensely. Possibly the resentment about your original affair "festered" within her until she decided she "had to" take this action. So, rugsweeping her feelings in a way perhaps led to this. (That's not an excuse BTW, just an analysis of what may have happened.) I suspect you could both use IC and then marriage counseling to consider whether you both actually want to stay married. I think you do, ultimately, but I it seems like there are substantial issues to sort out. Or just walk away from eachother 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted November 20, 2020 Share Posted November 20, 2020 2 hours ago, elaine567 said: could she be Bipolar? Sure - definitely another possibility... Link to post Share on other sites
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