Scratching my head, what to make of this odd behavior?

[marmara27]

Hello,

I wonder if you could help me make sense of what is going on with someone I deeply loved.  This is my story.

When I met him about 2.5 years ago, I felt the excitement of finally finding someone I could love and share the rest of my life with. We shared a special bond and our chemistry went far beyond the physical level. We both loved to work on creative projects (he is a graphic designer, works in Illustrator and Photoshop while I am a data enthusiast and create interactive and animated stuff that at times is cool to watch). We would talk about the projects we could do together, our talks would last from afternoon till morning on many occasions and we never seemed to get bored.  For the first time I felt I had found my soulmate and started dreaming of a future together. I was over the clouds. 

About 8 months into the relationship, I discovered he had kept critical details of his life from me. His betrayal broke me. Within minutes all I had believed in proved to be a mere illusion.  During the last conversation, he said that he had never met a woman as special and amazing as I was and probably never would again. He would have liked to convert our story into the ‘real thing’; however, he could see no future between us at that point because he would never leave his home country. His words were news to me as I never saw any red flags for one year when we were together.

I became a walking zombie overnight. My productivity at work plunged to a bare minimum. I was sure it was just a matter of time until I lost my employment and I would start sinking even further into misery. I avoided people and activities and I would spend all my non-office time in bed, away from the world. I traveled abroad in attempt to detach from the trauma, but little helped. Our memories together chased me like annoying flies wherever I went.

I passed through various stages including shock at his betrayal, grief, anger, victimization, sadness, etc. During the anger phase (which lasted several months) I sent him several furious emails and texts because doing this felt like therapy to me. In one of these emails I told him for the first time that I loved him, and I lacked the energy and strength to go into another relationship after this trauma. I sincerely hoped he would suffer due to his actions. I could not bear the thought that he had messed my life with so much impunity and he would get away without a scar.  He blocked me in WhatsApp about a year ago.

The day he blocked me I went completely no-contact. I had come to dislike the person this trauma had converted me into, and it was time, I decided, to gain back my self-esteem and power. I closed all my social media except LinkedIn (he is not among my connections). I started learning videography and special effects, I opened my own YouTube channel which I do not promote at all yet (this means that one would either need to run into it by sheer chance or one needs to actively search for me on YouTube). A few months down the road with my learning starting to pay off, I am excited about becoming a freelance motion graphics designer someday.  Since April this year I have suspected him to be a regular visitor on my YouTube channel and watch my content repeatedly. Over the past three months he has started reading my old emails as well, both the good and bad ones I had written him post-separation. In September 2020 he read about 10-12 of those emails and he did it again now just a few days ago. Whenever he reads one of my past emails, I get a tracker notification since I use a paid email tracker for business purposes (I keep the tracker for building my work-related networks). He is not aware of me being notified when this happens. So, a few days later, after receiving repeated notifications, on a hunch, I checked WhatsApp and noticed that he had now unblocked me after nearly one year.

Over the past two years I have been working hard on moving on. Even though I have not had another relationship and I may still be carrying a torch for this man, I have decided that with or without him I am moving forward with my goals and dreams. As far as I know, he is in a relationship in his home country (girlfriend or wife, not sure) and we are continents apart.

I must say that I am very surprised at the recent past events (I did not expect any of these) and I have started wondering about him. What is going on in his mind these days? Did he unblock me on WhatsApp to spy on me in absence of my social media presence? Does he expect me to notice that I am unblocked and that I will reach out to him? Do you think he could make a comeback at some point in the future? Anyone can shed some light here? 

Thanks for reading!

x

marmara27

Edited November 19, 2020 by marmara27

[schlumpy]

Can you clarify if this was a long distance relationship for the most part? How often were you together? Were you ever with him in his own country? Did you meet his family and did he meet yours?

You have moved on and I encourage you to continue doing so. There are too many unknowns about this guy and that encourages your mind to supply the details.

If you can't let this fantasy go, then employ a private investigator where he lives to work up a profile on him so you have the correct background information. He may look a lot different to you after you find out the facts.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. Did you ever meet in person? What do you mean by "he would never leave his home country"?

Was his moving to you the plan? Was he married or scheduled for an arranged marriage in his home country?

[marmara27]

@schlumpy

Thanks for your reply. 

We met in a third country where both of us went (independently) to work. For the duration of our relationship we were often together but did not live together. 

He would show me photos of his family and talk a lot about them but he 'deliberately' omitted important facts from his life. At that time I had no way of finding them out. I finally did and by that time, it was too late. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Was one of the lies that he was married?

[marmara27]

@ExpatInItaly

I have tried to keep away from spying on him because any detail would hurt me immensely... When I finally started digging two years ago, I found out that he had a woman in his life who lived in his home country, far away from the country he worked in. 

 

[marmara27]

Any thoughts on why he has started to behave like this? 

Even though I am not planning to fall into his trap (in case he set one up by unblocking me now) and make the first move, I am puzzled about his recent actions. Could it be that he is bored/dissatisfied with what he's got at present? Or he would have expected me to throw myself off a bridge after his betrayal and now he is scratching his head about why I am still alive and kicking...Or could it be that he is missing what we once had? 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, marmara27 said:

I am puzzled about his recent actions. 

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately, it sounds like he was looking for an out-of-town fling. Hopefully now that you know his is deceitful, you have blocked and deleted him from all your messaging apps and social media. This way you can be free to pursue local, men who you can see in situ and not have to guess what their home situation is. 

[marmara27]

53 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately, it sounds like he was looking for an out-of-town fling. Hopefully now that you know his is deceitful, you have blocked and deleted him from all your messaging apps and social media. This way you can be free to pursue local, men who you can see in situ and not have to guess what their home situation is. 

I can accept that I was an out-of-town fling for him, this does not bring me to tears so much anymore, maybe occasional feelings of sadness. What fails to make sense to me as much is the amount of attention he has been recently giving an out-of-town fling that met with an abrupt end two years ago.

I am not on social media and he is not among my phone contacts either (I still know his number from memory which does not help the cause, of course) hence there is not much blocking/deleting to be done. Where he still is (heart and mind), it will take me a while more to delete him. 

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, marmara27 said:

What fails to make sense to me as much is the amount of attention he has been recently giving an out-of-town fling that met with an abrupt end two years ago.

It's probable, I think, that he's just browsing your emails/content out of nostalgia and not much else. If it was me, I wouldn't let it create false hope or anything like that.

[gamon]

I blocked my ex-wife on FaceBook during our divorce, and I'm happily involved with my girlfriend/SO/partner/housemate for 9 years.

Sometimes I consider unblocking my ex just to see what she did with her life but was never interested enough to actually do it. But I could see how some might.

As others said, just nostalgia, boredom, curiosity. Don't read into it.

 

[ShyViolet]

What does it matter "why" he's doing this?  Stop worrying so much about how many times he is reading old emails that you had sent him.  It doesn't matter.  You already came to the realization that he is no good for you and the only way you can move forward and be happy is to cut him out of your life.  So then do that.  Continue keeping him OUT of your life and stop worrying about what he's doing.

[La.Primavera]

I can tell you exactly why he keeps reading the emails.  They make him feel good.  Whether they are good or bad emails the content will still prove how much you cared about him. 

The type of guy who can be in a relationship with two women at once without any shame is likely motivated by a constant need for validation.  It is safe to assume that he is in a committed relationship right now, but that need for "more" is still there.  He will likely always be a cheater because of that.  Of course this is just a simplistic explanation, but it seems to fit with everything you have described. 

You can take comfort in the fact that you have done the work to move on and heal, which will make you less susceptible to accepting a guy like this back in your life.  Even if you still have some feelings for him, your common sense will remind you that this guy is not really your soulmate, it was just an illusion. 

Regardless of what sniffing around he does, you are not going to be able to look past the reality that he is capable of such massive betrayals. If you have any moments of weakness, remind yourself of how disruptive that breakup was the first time round.  Don't put yourself through that again.  

Stay strong.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, marmara27 said:

I have tried to keep away from spying on him because any detail would hurt me immensely... When I finally started digging two years ago, I found out that he had a woman in his life who lived in his home country, far away from the country he worked in. 

There's a big difference between spying, and trying to determine if your (then-)boyfriend is actually someone else's husband. 

I realize it's moot now, but it's apparently a good thing you did dig to try to figure out who exactly this guy was. It sounds like sensed something was off, which prompted you to investigate. Is that correct?

As for why he's looking at your things now: he might be bored. He might be having a rough patch with his partner is looking to his past to make himself feel better. The bottom line? He showed you that you cannot trust him and that he wasn't who he presented himself to be. Entertaining even the notion of reconnecting with him would be very foolish. 

[marmara27]

Thanks a lot for sharing your thoughts. I guess I needed to hear the real, brutal truth. I still have those dark days (like everybody else in a similar situation, I suppose) when all I want is hide in a hole and never come out. Deep down I have had trouble accepting the fact that I got carried away by his charm and trusted him fully.  On the other hand, I have been hoping all along to see a changed man someday.  I saw the first glimmer of hope when he started 'coming back' over the recent months imagining that he may now be cherishing what we had and possibly regretting his actions. But as La.Primavera wrote, this could be nothing more than a strong need for attention and validation (which he has not getting from me in a long time) or boredom/lack of excitement in his current life.  I need to remember to stand my ground and not lose track of the things he once did. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, marmara27 said:

 I saw the first glimmer of hope when he started 'coming back' over the recent months imagining that he may now be cherishing what we had and possibly regretting his actions.

Regretting his actions doesn't mean you could ever trust him again, though. 

What exactly did you discover, and how? 

[Hpchic]

16 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Regretting his actions doesn't mean you could ever trust him again, though. 

What exactly did you discover, and how? 

Yes I’m curious about this as well.  Was the betrayal another woman? 
 

He hasn’t started to come back, he’s read a few of your old emails I imagine plenty of people do that when they’re feeling bored or nostalgic.  He hasn’t reached out to you so until he does there’s no sign of him “starting to come back”.  Typically people regret hurting someone unless they’re narcissists.  So I’m sure it didn’t take him this long to regret what he did, he probably regretted it almost right after your breakup.  
 

I don’t know what the betrayal was so I can’t say if giving him another chance would be an awful idea.  I’m of the belief that as long as an ex didn’t have a major character flaw and your future plans align it may be worth a second chance.  I personally know quite a few people who got back with their exes and ended up being happily married.