Should we just create our own lives?

[Midnightblue4]

I’m the oldest in my family. I’ve always had great relationships with everyone, we were all close but, until we became older.

1) my sister married, has kids but, put my parents through hell with babysitting, begging for money and plain elder manipulation. My parents almost received custody too of her kids but were denied since they gave them to her (she’s supposedly been divorced since 2012 but, none of us know). She’s manipulated the system in numerous states and people always believe her, every time she moves. She moved 11 times in one state being there one year. She has threatened with restraining orders my parents, myself and my brother with both of our families. None of us seem her family since 2012. My mom and dad are very depressed and I feel I’m caught in the middle because, I don’t want any of us to have restricted orders or threats but, all of us want to see them. We missed out on so much time because of fear and intimidation from her. I as the oldest, keep telling my parents it’ll happen or to have faith in God. My brother has washed his hands of her but, he misses his nephews and niece. How do I personally cope with them and my own depression from her intimidation too since, my husband doesn’t need to be stressed and he’s come to far to his retirement to have problems from her. Holidays are always depressed because, my parents dwell on not seeing them. Should we just firmly back off and leave it to God or try to contact her risking problems?

 

2) Holidays are always strained because of this and how my sister-in-law and her family do not care for my family. Everything is always strained or someone says they have to work. It’s my brother’s wife and her parents who are not cool with my husband or me but, they tolerate my brother’s parents since they’re more related to him, as my husband and I are only just in-laws to her. My brother has told me constantly it’s not my husband or myself it’s just “her”. I’ve asked her about it but, she said she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. He makes excuses for her lack of compassion. My parents only barely get along with her and that’s because my brother’s kids are elementary school level. My husband and I only see my brother and his kids on small rare visits, where they stop over my parents house and my husband and I are there. What do we do about the upcoming holidays and should I one last time, confront my sister-in-law?

3) Same patterns go through my mom and my Aunts as every time a holiday rolls around, configurations occurs. It’s like how can she avoid seeing them as if we do though, it’s all strained, fake happiness. I’m dealing with this problem with my husband’s cousin. She hates me and told him not to marry me. Yet, I’m invited to some of the holidays but, I don’t want to face her. His own father even told me once (he’s deceased now, God rest his soul) that she has issues. I will never forget this. I’ve been married to my husband since 2017. Getting back, I dread asking my Aunts to come because, my mom won’t want to come and she’ll use the excuse she needs to be with my brother and his kids since SUPPOSEDLY his wife is on-call for the upcoming holidays. That means should I ask them all over or have a quiet yet depressing day with my husband again? The worst of it all is how they all just blow it all off later, like I’m not hurt by anything. This includes both sides of both our families. I’ve NEVER offended or hurt ANYONE in my families to be dealing with this crap. 

Bottom line, should I just create a life with my husband and do our things away from the guilt, depression and harbored animosities? 
Or, do I try to contact my sister, sister-in-law and go with my husband’s family (they ALL like me but, it’s just that one cousin) and invite my Aunts even if my parents won’t want to come?

I’ve prayed about it all, left it in God’s hands yet, every time this problem comes back. I believe in my faith however. 

Major apologies for the long post.....

Please help...Thank you.

[Happy Lemming]

I had a difficult relationship with my sister.  The last straw were some comments made (by her) towards me at a Thanksgiving Day dinner. I got up and walked out (during dinner) and never talked to her again.  That was over 25 years ago.

I have no desire to speak to her, write to her, or contact her in any way.  I no nothing of her life and don't care to find out.

Not having her in my world has made my life better.  I have no guilt, depression and have long since let go of the "harbored animosities".  I just don't care.

I'm a much happier individual having closed that door forever.

[mark clemson]

I'm not sure exactly what advice to give you. I would however, note that I've read that alienated families are much more common than is generally recognized. We have an ideal in our heads of happy gatherings (or not so happy, but at least gatherings) at the holidays and major milestones. Sure, they happen for many folks, but for many they don't or some are left out or choose not to participate etc. So you are certainly not alone in all this.

I'd say watch out when your parents pass away or are near to it. I personally know of two families that are alienated over disputes and (what appears to be) significant abuse of executor/trustee authority. When someone's dying, the vultures tend to start circling, unfortunately. C'est la vie...

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Covid is the perfect reason to explain having an immediate family, just us type holiday.

[ShyViolet]

When certain relatives are toxic, you have to cut them out of your life.  Go zero contact, block them.  That's the only way you will be able to be happy and be free of this stress.  Otherwise you are going to be going through this ridiculous drama forever.  It won't get better.

[merrmeade]

I don't know about the isolation approach. It's just families, isn't it? There's always something that someone has a problem about and blames someone else for. We all cause them at one time or another. The domino effect that starts when anyone is insensitive or overly sensitive, cruel, greedy or clueless takes everybody down one after the other as each one reacts.

 I tell myself that the purpose of extended family gatherings for holidays or other life events is to rise above the individual problems and petty differences for part of one day, It's a time to put aside the bickering, jealousies, resentment, hurt feelings and all the other baggage that EVERY family has to some extent. It's a time to honor whatever legacy that family identifies with and recognize people they all love and admire. Everyone comes together to feel part of something bigger than just one or two. It is also an opportunity to show the younger generation who their people are. By modeling tolerance and acceptance of the individuals - if we can - we're not dismissing or excusing affronts, we're showing that we can put aside our grievances for one day and appreciate the ideals that we share.

Isn't it what we're asking our national leaders to do?

So that's the talk I give myself every time and now see my grown children doing and teaching their kids. Every time one of them inadvertently says or does something a little insensitive - which we ALL have done - no matter the hurt feelings at the time, everyone is able to let it go and helps someone else.

There was a blow-up just this morning. Nevermind the details. Hurt feelings, tears. Here's how we helped each other:

#1: [complaint about #4 family member and his wife, both of whom were left out of thread] I kind of lost it with #4 yesterday.

#2: Ugh. It's just frustrating, bad communication—#4's lack of preparedness and inconsistency. But, dude, #1, don't be jealous. It's beneath you. You got to chill.

#3:  Yeah, it'll be all right. No worries, #1. It's a stressful time. #4 will get over it, too. Also, don't forget #4 is only Vice-President in his family. No veto power even. Not much you can do about it. Just deal, man. Anyway, can't we just make it a fun zoom Thanksgiving?

 

SO my advice to you - which I think you're asking for by putting a title like "Should we create our own lives?" - is DON'T run away and dump it on God to fix. He expects you to make an effort. You're not going to change the world, but you can show your family the courage to stand up for what you love and care about. You can be the one to put aside past grievances long enough to make others feel safe enough to approach. If they are abusive, well, you articulate your boundaries but give them another chance to try again the right way. Invite acceptance and forgiveness by showing it. If you can be the one to rise above the old problems at least for special occasions then, believe me, you'll mellow at least one other person if not more. Maybe they won't show it right away, but they WILL think about it and be helped by it. Show everybody else what it is to be tolerant  and forgiving for the sake of the whole—especially for the sake of the young and old but also for future family. Be the way you wish you all could be on your best days together and you'll make them want some of your good will and attitude. Show them the best of who your family really and truly wants to be. 

Edited November 23, 2020 by merrmeade

[Rashed8]

Sorry to hear about your story here. I also faced the same kind of issue. All of my family members are neglecting me right now. The only issue I found so far that is my low earning and not enough support to my family. 

[Libby1]

My concern here would be for your sister's children.  How old are they?  Is there anybody who's looking out for their interests in amongst all of this?