Guys that do low effort to plan a first date

[ladybug2021]

1 minute ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

 I think many people agreed with you that the food court date is weird. I think the issue people are having is how you construe it as laziness if someone requests you make a suggestion as to what you like. People have explained why they see an issue with this. They have explained exactly why asking a woman where she’d like to go on a first meet is not necessarily lazy or unthoughtful. No, we don’t care about Mr. Food Court..  He is not here and to our knowledge, he doesn’t have a problem with dating. We are here w you. 

Thank you. Thereshegoes hit the nail on the head! I want a man who likes courting a woman! Not meet ups, not shopping malls. A romantic vibe, courting!

Edited November 20, 2020 by ladybug2021

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

Yes I did.

Excellent you canceled the meeting.. Now you can drop it and move on to someone who knows what you want to do on the first meet.

[ladybug2021]

5 minutes ago, boymommy said:

I'm going to switch gears..if you are OLD I have a suggestion. Why not try putting this requirement on your profile under the looking for section. Put exactly what you want and say something to the effect of "my ideal first date is blah blah blah." Clear up any confusion beforehand! I know a lot of guys don't read profiles and go straight to the pics but you don't want those guys anyway. The more serious ones will read it! 

And putting that won’t attract guys who are manipulative? I prefer to say that when we start talking online and I feel comfortable to share.

[Ami1uwant]

22 hours ago, ladybug2021 said:

One ‘trend’ I have been watching on OLD (one day I’m writing a book about OLD lol), is guys making little effort to plan a first date.

Many don’t even bother to suggest a place, they just ask where do I wanna go.

Last guy I was talking to online (yesterday), lives 10 minutes drive from me. Asked me to meet for a coffee and then asked me to say the place. 

I told him for him to suggest (as last 10 first dates I had with guys it was always me suggesting), and he said for us to meet in a busy shopping mall in the dining area at a busy time, next to his place.

I told him that must be the less romantic place I have ever been. Perfect for business meetings but terrible for dating.

He laughed it off and then again asked me where do I wanna go, and I said to him well you are the man you decide and plan. He said ok but didn’t suggest anything else.

I mean, I’m not obviously expecting a romantic fancy candle lit dinner for first date, but this place he chose and close to his house just screams LOW EFFORT.

We live close to the beach, there are so many cozy romantic places we could go! Why would a guy want to meet at a busy shopping mall?

What on earth is he expecting to happen? I can’t even feel if there’s chemistry between us being surrounded by children screaming and people carrying food plates around us!?

Even if the guy doesn’t want anything serious and just want sex or some casual stuff, that is still not the place to meet.

Really, is it that difficult to know a romantic cozy place to take a woman and suggest it??

Sometimes I think if I was a man, that’s what I would do!

 

from a guy has has done some version of old for 25 yrs.....

guys ask her because they want her comfortable.  An area she is familiar with, a place she feels comfortable with.  Early on an effort was made with planning first dates. No more. It’s just a first meet now before any date is planned.  Pre old the first meet did occur where numbers were exchanged and you talked some.

 

not planning any romantic think in first meet. Could do it on first date after first meet.

[boymommy]

Just now, ladybug2021 said:

And putting that won’t attract guys who are manipulative? I prefer to say that when we start talking online and I feel comfortable to share.

What do you mean manipulative? I put what I was looking for in my profile and what I liked on a first date (as in I liked actual dinner first dates) and I started getting guys who did just that! I didn't attract any manipulative guys but guys who actually liked what I liked and I didn't feel like they wanted these weird first date meet up things. The problem is you don't feel comfortable enough to share with them when you start talking to them you just don't like their idea and you reject them. So if you put EXACTLY what you are looking for...well it weeds out the guys who are unwilling to give this to you and will attract the guys who are! 

[peach302]

15 minutes ago, ThereSheGoes said:

Exactly. But isn't that just the way of things these days? Everyone has a Rolodex, and they're just trying to get through one and on to the next.

This is why I won't date Poly men, because it never feels like I'm on a date when I'm with them. They usually want a quick, cheap date, and I pay for myself, and we're probably in conversation for 2 hours, before they end things with a high five, and a 'Text ya later.' You're left sitting there going, WTF just happened. In their minds, they may think that things went fine, but you didn't feel a damn thing.

Yeah 21st century OLD is exactly this. However amongst all the flops there are the odd decent ones. 

You have to have patience and persevere through the bull**** i guess.. and trust me I've sat through many meets like yourself and thought exactly wth is this guy on and wth am i doing with my life. 

 

 

Edited November 20, 2020 by peach302

[boymommy]

Example...my boyfriend sent me a message and initially reached out on the dating app. Asked me out to dinner because that was in my profile. But he lives in a different town so he didn't know the restaurants in my area. Offered to come to me but asked for restaurant suggestions since he did not know my area very well. I gave him some suggestions and he offered me a few suggestions and asked which one was better. I picked a restaurant based on a my experience and he agreed. We had a great time at a dinner so we extended the date down to a local bar for after dinner drinks. He then drove back the next day to watch the Steeler game and we went out to lunch at Panera (his idea). So as you can see it was sort of a collaborative effort on both our parts due to his not knowing my area but I didn't "force" him to pick a restaurant just because he is the guy either. I did like that he took my suggestion of asking me out to dinner but wanted to find a place I liked and keep me happy. Not manipulative in my book...indicative of a man who cares. 

[Miss Spider]

12 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

And putting that won’t attract guys who are manipulative? I prefer to say that when we start talking online and I feel comfortable to share.

I would think you can work it into the conversation too. As you are planning to meet, I would tell them what you said about not liking the unoriginal coffee date.  That you want something memorable and thoughtful.  I think problem is occurring because not that many  desirable men who are going to want to ‘court ‘ someone online before they’ve met them. That’s usually undesirable men doing that because they’re desperate 

[Happy Lemming]

11 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

I prefer to say that when we start talking online and I feel comfortable to share.

Maybe after the pandemic, you give up on "on-line" dating and try to meet men in "real life" scenarios.   I'm guessing the confident men that approach you will be more towards your liking, then these "scared little boys" that hide behind their phones/keyboards and suggest "mall food court" dates. 

[peach302]

4 minutes ago, boymommy said:

Example...my boyfriend sent me a message and initially reached out on the dating app. Asked me out to dinner because that was in my profile. But he lives in a different town so he didn't know the restaurants in my area. Offered to come to me but asked for restaurant suggestions since he did not know my area very well. I gave him some suggestions and he offered me a few suggestions and asked which one was better. I picked a restaurant based on a my experience and he agreed. We had a great time at a dinner so we extended the date down to a local bar for after dinner drinks. He then drove back the next day to watch the Steeler game and we went out to lunch at Panera (his idea). So as you can see it was sort of a collaborative effort on both our parts due to his not knowing my area but I didn't "force" him to pick a restaurant just because he is the guy either. I did like that he took my suggestion of asking me out to dinner but wanted to find a place I liked and keep me happy. Not manipulative in my book...indicative of a man who cares. 

I think what the OP meant was might attract people who will manipulate by being the romantic person she wants in order to get what  they really want. 

There are those who agree with everything you say you want and like..and later you realise they're just an A hole. And not a genuine individual. 

[poppyfields]

21 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

YES, this! This is exactly what I want, thank you! 😊

That's fine. Again, to attract that type of man, then you need to be the feminine energy straight from the get-go.

My advice? Learn what that is and act accordingly.

Your interaction with this guy was sooo f*cked.  And it was not because he suggested a shopping mall.  You need to take responsibility for your piss poor attitude as well, sorry.   But it was.  

It became a total power struggle, two masculine energies colliding.

 

[Miss Spider]

9 minutes ago, peach302 said:

I think what the OP meant was might attract people who will manipulate by being the romantic person she wants in order to get what  they really want. 

There are those who agree with everything you say you want and like..and later you realise they're just an A hole. And not a genuine individual. 

Yes, but don’t those people still exist even when women don’t put that in their  profile ? A lot of guys believe women want that stuff, because it seems a lot of them do, so I have heard a lot of players actually operate on that kind of “sweep her off her feet” heavy game in the beginning by planning very thoughtful, elaborate dates. She thinks he’s a great guy, but he’s doing that just so he can sleep with her .I think you need to be able to pick up on that and nix guys who they believe are running game 

 

Edited November 20, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[EvangelineVincent]

He seemed interested in you but then perhaps put off by the way you responded saying it’s the guys that need to do the planning.

If you guys don’t know one another well, then there’s no emotional involvement here, it’s the start of something, not the middle of it. 
 

It’s your date out too ! Pick a nice place and meet up. We don’t live in 1942 anymore, women can take charge too and decide where to go on a date.

If you are looking for more traditional gender roles, then perhaps try going to church to meet a man or online dating where they ask you 100 questions so they can pair you up with a good match.

 

 

[dangerous]

28 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

Thank you. Thereshegoes hit the nail on the head! I want a man who likes courting a woman! Not meet ups, not shopping malls. A romantic vibe, courting!

This is the crux of the matter, I think. You want to be courted, and a guy, like me also wants to put in effort but ONCE I have MET the lady. That is the problem with OLD: no matter how good the profile, or the texting, or the call, you do not know if it is REAL until you meet for real. That's why a lot of guys will go for the quick meet first date. 

I have been on enough first dates in my life from OLD that I am not prepared to put in alot of effort or expense up front because the balance of a good match is very small. 

 

[peach302]

12 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Yes, but don’t those people still exist even when women don’t put that in their  profile ? A lot of guys believe women want that stuff, because it seems a lot of them do, so I have heard a lot of players actually operate on that kind of “sweep her off her feet” heavy game in the beginning by planning very thoughtful, elaborate dates. She thinks he’s a great guy, but he’s doing that just so he can sleep with her .I think you need to be able to pick up on that and nix guys who they believe are running game 

 

But she is actively telling them this is what i like and want...almost inviting  them in.

Some women are easier manipulated  than others.

If it was me instead of the OP for example. On a first meet/date i would be wary of someone  who is romantic so quick. 

Whereas she might get swept up in the moment as this is what she genuinely  wants from the beginning. 

Edited November 20, 2020 by peach302

[Allupinnit]

Here's what I did when I did OLD - I lived within walking distance of several bars/restaurants so even though I, like you, love it when a man plans a date I'd suggest a place close to me I could walk to.  We'd have a drink (or two), then the dude could basically walk me home and even if I didn't jive with the guy it was pretty low effort on both our parts.  Men who asked me to drive to their neighborhoods were almost always the ones I never heard from again (I live in a large east coast city).

If he asked me out for a "real" date following that then I'd definitely pay attention to what he suggested next.  

[d0nnivain]

54 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

And putting that won’t attract guys who are manipulative? I prefer to say that when we start talking online and I feel comfortable to share.

AAAAAUUUGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

This is more s***-testing someone. You won't put what you want in your profile because you want this "romantic guy" you seek to be spontaneously romantic & know you want romantic.   You are still demanding that some stranger read your mind.   This is why you are unlikely to get what you want because you won't effectively communicate your desires.  You just sit, judge & reject if you don't get what you think is an ideal spot for a 1st date.  

Keep up that pattern because it's working sooooo well for you.  

While the food court at the local mall is not an ideal 1st meet, which again is different then a 1st date, if the guy is suggesting Dunkin Donuts, Starbucks, etc. it's because with OLD you need to pick someplace SAFE & not too expensive.  He doesn't want to waste his time either.  He may fear that most women on OLD are gold diggers or have other issues so easy to find, parking. well lit & not too expensive all fit the bill here.   These places also lend themselves to short encounters so it's an easy bail if it's not working on either side.   The 1st meet is the substitute for what used to happen organically when your only option was in person where you had time to size somebody up before agreeing to the date.  Stop thinking the 1st meet IS the date; it's not so lower your expectations about the location accordingly.  You don't have to lower your standards about the kind of person you want to date but I honestly think you are sabotaging yourself here. 

[ladybug2021]

53 minutes ago, boymommy said:

Example...my boyfriend sent me a message and initially reached out on the dating app. Asked me out to dinner because that was in my profile. But he lives in a different town so he didn't know the restaurants in my area. Offered to come to me but asked for restaurant suggestions since he did not know my area very well. I gave him some suggestions and he offered me a few suggestions and asked which one was better. I picked a restaurant based on a my experience and he agreed. We had a great time at a dinner so we extended the date down to a local bar for after dinner drinks. He then drove back the next day to watch the Steeler game and we went out to lunch at Panera (his idea). So as you can see it was sort of a collaborative effort on both our parts due to his not knowing my area but I didn't "force" him to pick a restaurant just because he is the guy either. I did like that he took my suggestion of asking me out to dinner but wanted to find a place I liked and keep me happy. Not manipulative in my book...indicative of a man who cares. 

I get it. In this case, this guy lives a 10 min drive from me. Has been living there for many years. So is the shopping mall the best place he knows around?  

Anyway, I do like collaborative things, but when I see the guy is interested, making an effort, etc. I don’t like the feeling the guy is just there to pass time, or whatever.

I just realised with this thread what do I want. 

I want courting, chivalry, romance. A man who is a gentleman. I love that! 
 

 

Edited November 20, 2020 by ladybug2021

[ladybug2021]

44 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

That's fine. Again, to attract that type of man, then you need to be the feminine energy straight from the get-go.

My advice? Learn what that is and act accordingly.

Your interaction with this guy was sooo f*cked.  And it was not because he suggested a shopping mall.  You need to take responsibility for your piss poor attitude as well, sorry.   But it was.  

It became a total power struggle, two masculine energies colliding.

 

As I said, when I see BS my masculine energy of protection comes out. And that is a bad sign. A sign to move on. What I should have done immediately.

[ladybug2021]

35 minutes ago, peach302 said:

But she is actively telling them this is what i like and want...almost inviting  them in.

Some women are easier manipulated  than others.

If it was me instead of the OP for example. On a first meet/date i would be wary of someone  who is romantic so quick. 

Whereas she might get swept up in the moment as this is what she genuinely  wants from the beginning. 

Oh please do you think I am stupid and cannot see through BS?

I can see the difference between a genuine man who likes to court and an idiot who is trying to love bomb you. There are signs to watch and fortunately I don’t wear rose tinted glasses.

[peach302]

3 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

Oh please do you think I am stupid and cannot see through BS?

I can see the difference between a genuine man who likes to court and an idiot who is trying to love bomb you. There are signs to watch and fortunately I don’t wear rose tinted glasses.

😂

Manipulative people are smart and can come across so "sincere". You may miss it. 

Just sayin!

 

 

[ladybug2021]

Just now, peach302 said:

😂

Manipulative people are smart and can come across so "sincere". You may miss it. 

Just sayin!

 

 

I also have my share of experiences with narcissistic men, so I know. My intuition is spot on right now.

And I learned that the best way to avoid/keep narcissistic people at bay is to have BOUNDARIES and STANDARDS. They hate that and quickly move on when they see it. It’s like garlic to a vampire. lol

 

[Ollie180]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Ok, then end it right there. Try to not get so wound up about it.  Or accuse him of wanting you to be the man, that is so warped.  

"You're the man, you're supposed to decide."

I would strongly advise you to not ever say this to a man again.  Like I said, I'm shocked he continued talking to you.

What's interesting is, you claim you want masculine, but that comment along with your general attitude IS masculine!

You essentially "ordered" him to decide!  Told him, he's the man, he decides. Like it's a demand, an order.

Can you not see how that was masculine?   Your entire attitude on this thread is masculine.

If you want to attract a masculine man, then YOU need to be feminine.  A "feminine" woman would have graciously suggested a place she'd like to go, not demanded he decide, because he's the man.   That's masculine.

 

I kind of agree, I think you guys are just simply not a match! Which is fine you move on..

I used to go out with a girl who very much knew what she wanted and she picked like 75% of our dates, with my gf now in the early days I picked probably 90% of our dates, and even now (we love together) I’ll surprise her with dates etc all the time.

Im the same guy, but I was different depending on the girl 🤷🏼‍♂️ Just depends on your dynamic and how you mesh together I guess!

[peach302]

5 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

I also have my share of experiences with narcissistic men, so I know. My intuition is spot on right now.

And I learned that the best way to avoid/keep narcissistic people at bay is to have BOUNDARIES and STANDARDS. They hate that and quickly move on when they see it. It’s like garlic to a vampire. lol

 

Lol garlic to a vampire 😂.

I've always had pride in having boundaries  and standards  much like yourself but still managed to let a narc slip into my life lol. 

[ladybug2021]

6 minutes ago, peach302 said:

Lol garlic to a vampire 😂.

I've always had pride in having boundaries  and standards  much like yourself but still managed to let a narc slip into my life lol. 

There was a huge part of my life where I didn’t have standards or boundaries and I attracted all sorts. Even narcs who wouldn’t put any effort because I was oh so happy with low effort. 

Later on in my life I decided I wanted effort but still didn’t have boundaries so I attracted narcs who love bomb.

So yeah I have experience in all sorts.

That is why now I have learned to have boundaries and standards I have zero narcs in my life.

And I stick to my guns. So I am not high maintenance, demanding or entitled as some people said in here. I’ve been through a lot, know what I want and have those firm boundaries and standards now. I want a healthy happy relationship with a nice man.