Guys that do low effort to plan a first date

[poppyfields]

22 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I think it's useless--and can even reflect insecurity--to plan some elaborate "romantic" first meeting. The other problem with the elaborate first date is that it locks men into perpetrating the fraud, it pushes men away from any real authenticity. Guys take a woman out to some fancy place that for the rest of their lives they will NEVER really go to again. I

The elaborate first-date thing encourages men to play a role of being a man and a particular kind of man. Nothing to do with really being a real man, with specific interests and specific tastes. And ultimately the relationship will rise and fall based on genuine interests the two people share.

The fancy first date can be very misleading.

Spot on!  Whenever a man went all out - flowers, dinner, elaborate romantic restaurant for a first meet or date, I always found that to be a bit desperate, contrived, disingenuous even.  

I mean he doesn't know me from Adam (the majority of times), it's white knightish, trying "too" hard to please and impress. 

Ultimately a turn off, I never trusted it.

What worked best for me was (still is) deciding together.

First date: 

Him:  "Are you busy Saturday night?  Let me take you out.

Me: "No, sure I'd love to."

Him: Great, do you like Italian? 

Me:  I do, but how about Chinese?  

Him:  Yea we could do that, do you have a favorite place?

Me:  Yes, have you ever been to Xxxxx?

Him:  Yeah, great place!   Does 8:00 work for you?

Me:  Read my mind!  See you then!

😂 😂 😂

 

 

 

Edited November 20, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

Opie has stated that she does not really want a fancy first date. She wants a romantic, original, memorable first date. Basically, something she can tell the kids about . She wants a guy who is going to invite her on a romantic evening stroll to a scenic point, have a picnic, and watch the sunset . A walk on the beach and counting stars. Or something like that. It is just a lot to ask of a stranger only bound to you by their attraction to how your  pics look and three sentence tinder bio . & yes can be construed as desperate by many people. I agree though if the chemistry is there the chemistry is there, even on a coffee date. 

Edited November 20, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

30 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Opie has stated that she does not really want a fancy first date. She wants a romantic, original, memorable first date. Basically, something she can tell the kids about . She wants a guy who is going to invite her on a romantic evening stroll to a scenic point, have a picnic, and watch the sunset . A walk on the beach and counting stars. Or something like that. It is just a lot to ask of a stranger only bound to you by their attraction to how your  pics look and three sentence tinder bio . & yes can be construed as desperate by many people. I agree though if the chemistry is there the chemistry is there, even on a coffee date. 

shortskirts, do you think most people are able to determine chemistry prior to the first meet?  

My fiance and I did but we chatted on line for two weeks prior which most people do not recommend.

Of course we didn't know how it would be in person, fortunately we clicked.  But it could have gone the other way, which I think happens more often than not.

But let's say we hadn't clicked, and he had planned a romantic walk on the beach, under the stars, wine and cheese.  

Arghh!!  Nothing more uncomfortable than being stuck with some guy I have no physical chemistry with on the beach, under the stars, drinking wine.

LB, have you ever experienced this?  

Edited November 20, 2020 by poppyfields

[ladybug2021]

17 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

shortskirts, do you think most people are able to determine chemistry prior to the first meet?  

My fiance and I did but we chatted on line for two weeks prior which most people do not recommend.

Of course we didn't know how it would be in person, fortunately we clicked.  But it could have gone the other way, which I think happens more often than not.

But let's say we hadn't clicked, and he had planned a romantic walk on the beach, under the stars, wine and cheese.  

Arghh!!  Nothing more uncomfortable than being stuck with some guy I have no physical chemistry with on the beach, under the stars, drinking wine.

LB, have you ever experienced this?  

My last boyfriend I met him on Match.com. We chatted for two weeks, also on the phone and there was this immense chemistry between us.

He did invite me for dinner on our first date. I chose the place because at the time he lived far away and didn’t know anything around where I live. Fair enough for me.

I told him where I would like to go, he booked a table and brought me flowers. The chemistry was even more intense in person and we ended up dating for one year. 

I did feel it was different with him even online, and he felt it too. A ‘normal’ coffee meet up would make no sense for us.

So yes you can feel chemistry online. As well as red flags and bad vibes too.

[Weezy1973]

But you really don’t know. I’ve felt chemistry with people online talking to them for a few weeks, but then in person it fizzled. Also prior to my marriage all my previous relationships ended no matter how much chemistry there was initially! A first date / meet is so meaningless in the grand scheme of a lifelong relationship. 

[ladybug2021]

43 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

But you really don’t know. I’ve felt chemistry with people online talking to them for a few weeks, but then in person it fizzled. Also prior to my marriage all my previous relationships ended no matter how much chemistry there was initially! A first date / meet is so meaningless in the grand scheme of a lifelong relationship. 

Yes of course.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, ladybug2021 said:

My last boyfriend I met him on Match.com. We chatted for two weeks, also on the phone and there was this immense chemistry between us.

He did invite me for dinner on our first date. I chose the place because at the time he lived far away and didn’t know anything around where I live. Fair enough for me.

I told him where I would like to go, he booked a table and brought me flowers. The chemistry was even more intense in person and we ended up dating for one year. 

I did feel it was different with him even online, and he felt it too. A ‘normal’ coffee meet up would make no sense for us.

So yes you can feel chemistry online. As well as red flags and bad vibes too.

Okay, imagine if there had not been any physical chemistry when you met in person (which happens a lot!)?

Say his pics were old, he weighed 300 lbs, unkempt, whatever, how would you have felt being stuck with this man at this restaurant having dinner, flowers in tow?

 

Edited November 20, 2020 by poppyfields

[introverted1]

Yeah, I have to say that on a first meet I am much more concerned with being able to make an exit if there isn't a spark than with the story I will tell others about how we met if it all works out.  Somehow, I get the feeling that OP wants to live a fairy tale. 

Edited November 20, 2020 by introverted1

[poppyfields]

LB, most people don't chat for weeks prior to meeting.  Which is why I asked if chemistry can be determined prior to meet for most people.  

 

[ladybug2021]

24 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Okay, imagine if there had not been any physical chemistry when you met in person (which happens a lot!)?

Say his pics were old, he weighed 300 lbs, unkempt, whatever, how would you have felt being stuck with this man at this restaurant having dinner, flowers in tow?

 

We did have have a video chat prior to meeting so I knew how he was like.

But if that happened, I would just be honest. I would say to him sorry but you look nothing like your photos, I am not comfortable and do not want to waste each other time. And then leave.

I would not be stuck, I would be honest.

[ladybug2021]

27 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Yeah, I have to say that on a first meet I am much more concerned with being able to make an exit if there isn't a spark than with the story I will tell others about how we met if it all works out.  Somehow, I get the feeling that OP wants to live a fairy tale. 

Perhaps. Or maybe I want to live something simple and beautiful. Going to a coffee meeting concerned with making an exit looks like an awful way to live your life.

Edited November 20, 2020 by ladybug2021

[Lotsgoingon]

Ladybug, 

Have you ever gone on a date where you knew it was going nowhere in 5 minutes? I've been on dates when as soon as I introduced myself to the person I knew it was going nowhere. Literally before we sat down. And I sat and talked with this woman to allow for a new impression.

Nope, by the end, I was more convinced this person wasn't a good fit for me. Time spent at the cafe: 30 to 45 minutes.

Planning an elaborate date before I met this woman in person would have been a spectacular waste of time and money.

Edited November 21, 2020 by Lotsgoingon

[introverted1]

3 hours ago, ladybug2021 said:

Perhaps. Or maybe I want to live something simple and beautiful. Going to a coffee meeting concerned with making an exit looks like an awful way to live your life.

Given that you've spent more time in this thread than I have on some dates, I guess it's fair to say you have a higher tolerance for wasting time than I do.

My dating style works for me.  Meeting for something small (typically drinks, although I've done and enjoy walks on the beach or in the park) allows the date to end quickly if there is no spark or to be prolonged if there is.  Win win.

[boymommy]

6 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

But you really don’t know. I’ve felt chemistry with people online talking to them for a few weeks, but then in person it fizzled. Also prior to my marriage all my previous relationships ended no matter how much chemistry there was initially! A first date / meet is so meaningless in the grand scheme of a lifelong relationship. 

Totally agree with this! I don't think it matters how much time you put in prior to the first date because I had experiences where I had a fantastic connection with someone via text/phone but then when we actually met there was literally NOTHING there. Why that happens I don't know. Then the reverse also happened where I really wasn't TOO into them in text/phone but then met it person and we just clicked! 

I had a very weird experience where I met this guy while OLD and we talked on the phone and had an amazing connection! He asked me out to dinner for the first date and we get there and then I have no clue what happened but there was just like NOTHING there in person! It was a little ackward but I didn't really feel stuck there are anything. I was polite (so was he) and we just kind of chatted and made small talk but it was pretty obvious we weren't seeing each other again.  I personally roll with the punches and think that sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I love going out to dinner! 

Edited November 21, 2020 by boymommy

[6ix]

A reminder that the following is the topic of the thread:

Please start a new thread to discuss other topics. 

[Chilli]

Well what do you expect he offered you didn't like ya see he saw that coming and just skipped the Bs.

But eh , your other 10 dates , wt , how many duds you had , no l don't wanna know but who could blame them they know they're wasting their time guys sense these things who's gonna make a fuss about her 50th next date it's probably his 50th dud too . l dunno how you all do it but if l was gonna make a fuss l'd have to be very special and so would she. Seems most people just go meet anyone though so l wouldn't bother making a fuss either.

ps , l love the ones who complain he turned up didn't eat and just drank a glass of water, they crack me up - he ain't dumb he's just way past wasting his money.

 

Edited November 23, 2020 by Chilli