Author ladybug2021 Posted November 20, 2020 Author Share Posted November 20, 2020 1 minute ago, boymommy said: Disagree. If we can help her figure out what it is that she's after that will help her in the dating scene. The original guy she posted about may not have worked out but the issue has not gone away. People think they have issues in dating because of the other person but usually it something within themselves they need to examine My only problem is that in the past I would ignore my intuition and go to the date and to a place I don’t feel good. Never anything good came out of it. Now I have standards and so less guys to date. Link to post Share on other sites
peach302 Posted November 20, 2020 Share Posted November 20, 2020 Just now, boymommy said: Disagree. If we can help her figure out what it is that she's after that will help her in the dating scene. The original guy she posted about may not have worked out but the issue has not gone away. People think they have issues in dating because of the other person but usually it something within themselves they need to examine Yes you made a good point there. But she's headstrong and knows exactly what it is she wants and how to get it ..and i don't think that will change anytime soon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted November 20, 2020 Share Posted November 20, 2020 It’s pretty clear she has no intention to do that. She has defaulted to “it is just my preference“ in the voice of all logic, evidence, argument. That is the ultimate killer of meaningful discussion. All of her responses have been some variation of “they’re lazy. It’s just how I feel” if a person won’t look beyond that, they won’t examine their own behavior at all. It’s possible he was upset enough to go to another forum and make a thread on how he asked a woman online on a date, requested she chose the place, she insisted he chose, then when he chose a casual date she rejected the place and asked him to choose again. But I doubt it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ThereSheGoes Posted November 20, 2020 Share Posted November 20, 2020 (edited) 20 hours ago, Happy Lemming said: Any guy worth his salt, has a long list of places he can suggest for dating. If she bulked at one place, I have ten others ready to suggest. A mall or coffee shop has NEVER been on my first date suggestion list. And guys if you are picking the woman up, don't show up empty handed. Swing by a local grocery store en route and pick up an inexpensive bouquet of flowers. $5-$6 isn't going to make or break you and it shows effort. Okay, I have found that to be a bit much on a first date. Maybe on a 3rd or 4th date is fine, but on a first date, it feels a little cheesy, a little insincere, and like he is expecting the evening to go in to a direction that I'm not exactly sure I want to go in to with him. I love flowers and gifts, but not on a first date. They don't mean anything to me at that point, and it just makes me feel like he's trying to set up a scenario. Edited November 20, 2020 by ThereSheGoes 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted November 20, 2020 Share Posted November 20, 2020 Just now, ThereSheGoes said: Okay, I have found that to be a bit much on first date. Maybe on a 3rd or 4th date is fine, but on a first date, it feels a little cheesy, a little insincere, and like he is expecting the evening to go in to a direction that I'm not exactly sure I want to go in to with him. I love flowers and gifts, but not on a first date. They don't mean anything to me at that point, and it just makes me feel like he's trying to set up a scenario. Very cheesy imo for a first online date. That would be a huge red flag for me. I think happy lemming does not do online dating though. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ThereSheGoes Posted November 20, 2020 Share Posted November 20, 2020 OP, I have a question. Do you watch those Femininity and Hypergamy videos? Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted November 20, 2020 Share Posted November 20, 2020 Just now, ladybug2021 said: I do not like or want beta passive males for a relationship. I sound masculine in this thread because this kind of BS makes my masculine energy of protection come out. But in dating I like a man who takes charge and makes decisions. I can too of course, but beta males are not for me. I don't think it's at all helpful to label men as "alpha" or "beta." And certainly not because of where he asked to go on a first meet. Just admit that you want a more elaborate first meeting and that it has nothing to do with being alpha. If he had assertively and confidently (alpha behavior) told you to meet him in the food court, you'd still be here complaining. The real issue is that his proposed meeting place isn't up to your standards. Since you know what you want, and have been arguing for it for 7 pages here, the only mystery is why you can't tell your prospective dates what you want. If the test is that he needs to "just know" what you want, then simply decline invites from guys who don't pass your test and move on. Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
boymommy Posted November 20, 2020 Share Posted November 20, 2020 1 minute ago, peach302 said: Yes you made a good point there. But she's headstrong and knows exactly what it is she wants and how to get it ..and i don't think that will change anytime soon. Agreed. OP changes her tune everytime I give feedback. Headstrong/resistant for sure! Link to post Share on other sites
peach302 Posted November 20, 2020 Share Posted November 20, 2020 (edited) 8 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said: I do not like or want beta passive males for a relationship. I sound masculine in this thread because this kind of BS makes my masculine energy of protection come out. But in dating I like a man who takes charge and makes decisions. I can too of course, but beta males are not for me. Well all you needed to do was reject him from the start and move on to the next. But like i said initially...im still relatively younger but have come across plenty of guys on OLD and its rare to find one who will go all out or be creative when setting up a meet/date. But then again I've never spoken to men in their mid 30s to 40s. I can't speak for all men but a LOT don't like the woman to project a masculine energy. They prefer one who will be the receiver and be happy with what is given to them. Edited November 20, 2020 by peach302 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted November 20, 2020 Share Posted November 20, 2020 3 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: It’s possible he was upset enough to go to another forum and make a thread on how he asked a woman online on a date, requested she chose the place, she insisted he chose, then when he chose a casual date she rejected the place and asked him to choose again. But I doubt it. And hopefully the older wiser gentleman (on that forum) would tell this guy to "step up his game". That he needs to have a list of 10-12 venues/restaurants, ready to go. If she doesn't like tex-mex, then Italian, then sushi, then a Chinese food place, then a vegan place, then a steak house, etc. If after he exhausts his list of 10-12 restaurants, then and only then... throw in the towel. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
boymommy Posted November 20, 2020 Share Posted November 20, 2020 6 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said: I do not like or want beta passive males for a relationship. I sound masculine in this thread because this kind of BS makes my masculine energy of protection come out. But in dating I like a man who takes charge and makes decisions. I can too of course, but beta males are not for me. I don't know ladybug..I think if you found the right mix of a guy you'd like it. You only like a guy who is making decisions that you agree with or that work for you. That's different then a man who takes charge and makes decisions. That's why a passive flexible guy would be a good match. At least then he'd just be more willing to along with you! If that turns you off though, and the wrong decision making turns you off. Well that's your issue to content with, not the guy you are dating. But I don't think any of that is really going to help because I have said that numerous times and it doesn't seem to be getting through for whatever reason that is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
peach302 Posted November 20, 2020 Share Posted November 20, 2020 Just now, Happy Lemming said: And hopefully the older wiser gentleman (on that forum) would tell this guy to "step up his game". That he needs to have a list of 10-12 venues/restaurants, ready to go. If she doesn't like tex-mex, then Italian, then sushi, then a Chinese food place, then a vegan place, then a steak house, etc. If after he exhausts his list of 10-12 restaurants, then and only then... throw in the towel. Errrrm that won't be possible if he for example is planning on meeting multiple women. There is no way a guy will go all out for every single one. A low key meet is what their go to is. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted November 20, 2020 Share Posted November 20, 2020 (edited) 7 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: And hopefully the older wiser gentleman (on that forum) would tell this guy to "step up his game". That he needs to have a list of 10-12 venues/restaurants, ready to go. If she doesn't like tex-mex, then Italian, then sushi, then a Chinese food place, then a vegan place, then a steak house, etc. If after he exhausts his list of 10-12 restaurants, then and only then... throw in the towel. It sounds like he did have a place and he made a second suggestion(just saw that). Not sure why after she requested he be a “‘man” and choose, but he did. She didn’t like that either. Does it really go like that, though? It has never gone that way for me. Usually the guy asks me what I like, has a plan in mind and if I don’t like it, I tell them what I’d rather do or i lose interest and move on. I don’t ask them to make a bunch of suggestions and go along vetoing each one of them without giving them insight into what I would like. Edited November 20, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladybug2021 Posted November 20, 2020 Author Share Posted November 20, 2020 (edited) I don’t think many of you understood my point. I do not want a fancy dinner with flowers and very elaborate and etc for a first date. That’s too much! I just want a man who puts some thought into what he is doing. A guy who is thoughtful thinks that maybe a food court with kids screaming is not the place to meet a woman as in dating. Maybe a business meeting but not a date! Yes it is a date, we met on an online dating app, not on meetup.com, friends.com or business.com! My mistake here was to tell the guy to choose again. I should have said no and moved on. But his second choice of place to meet just confirmed my initial feeling. I don’t want a passive guy or a guy that reads my mind, or a guy that takes to me to Paris on his private jet. I want a guy who knows better in life than to take a woman to a food court on a shopping mall. Just that. Maybe what I want is a romantic guy. Edited November 20, 2020 by ladybug2021 2 Link to post Share on other sites
boymommy Posted November 20, 2020 Share Posted November 20, 2020 9 minutes ago, peach302 said: Well all you needed to do was reject him from the start and move on to the next. But like i said initially...im still relatively younger but have come across plenty of guys on OLD and its rare to find one who will go all out or be creative when setting up a meet/date. But then again I've never spoken to men in their mid 30s to 40s. I can't speak for all men but a LOT don't like the woman to project a masculine energy. They prefer one who will be the receiver and be happy with what is given to them. I'm 38 and I have had issues in relationships all my adult life because I project "some" masculine energy. A lot of my energy is female but at times I get complacent and don't want to take a backseat to the guy I suppose. Men aren't a huge fan of that and it causes a lot of problems. My boyfriend is the best match for me because of his flexible nature but one thing he has to do is keep his communication skills very strong! Otherwise we start missing each other very quickly. OP may need to communicate better what she needs from partners if she is switching between energies all the time as well. I think this is what my boyfriend does..switches between energies so he needs to communicate with me so I know where he is at and don't get super confused. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ThereSheGoes Posted November 20, 2020 Share Posted November 20, 2020 4 minutes ago, peach302 said: Errrrm that won't be possible if he for example is planning on meeting multiple women. There is no way a guy will go all out for every single one. A low key meet is what their go to is. Exactly. But isn't that just the way of things these days? Everyone has a Rolodex, and they're just trying to get through one and on to the next. This is why I won't date Poly men, because it never feels like I'm on a date when I'm with them. They usually want a quick, cheap date, and I pay for myself, and we're probably in conversation for 2 hours, before they end things with a high five, and a 'Text ya later.' You're left sitting there going, WTF just happened. In their minds, they may think that things went fine, but you didn't feel a damn thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted November 20, 2020 Share Posted November 20, 2020 (edited) 28 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said: I do not like or want beta passive males for a relationship. I sound masculine in this thread because this kind of BS makes my masculine energy of protection come out. But in dating I like a man who takes charge and makes decisions. I can too of course, but beta males are not for me. You sounded quite masculine with him as well.. By essentially demanding he decide, because he's the man. An order. A demand. Dominant. Masculine. Nothing wrong with that, problem is when it becomes a power struggle. You're masculine energy but want a man who is also masculine energy. Or do you want a man who is more masculine energy than you? I'm so confused. Again, you want masculine energy? Then learn to be the feminine energy. On your own, your own essence. A truly feminine woman does not need a man's masculine energy to bring our her feminine energy. She already is. Her essence, her energy, it comes from within. Not from him making all the decisions or calling the shots. And when masculine and feminine energy meet, they complement each other. Yin and yang. A natural polarity Edited November 20, 2020 by poppyfields Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 20, 2020 Share Posted November 20, 2020 Just now, ladybug2021 said: My mistake here was to tell the guy to choose again. I should have said no and moved on. But his second choice of place to meet just confirmed my initial feeling. Have you canceled the meet up? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladybug2021 Posted November 20, 2020 Author Share Posted November 20, 2020 5 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: It sounds like he did have a place and he made a second suggestion(just saw that). Not sure why after she requested he be a “‘man” and choose, but he did. She didn’t like that either. Does it really go like that, though? It has never gone that way for me. Usually the guy has a plan in mind and if I don’t like it, I tell them what I’d rather do or i lose interest and move on. I don’t ask them to make a bunch of suggestions and go along vetoing each one of them without giving them insight into what I would like. Exactly. That was my mistake to do that. I should have said no and moved on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladybug2021 Posted November 20, 2020 Author Share Posted November 20, 2020 1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said: Have you canceled the meet up? Yes I did. Link to post Share on other sites
ThereSheGoes Posted November 20, 2020 Share Posted November 20, 2020 2 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said: I don’t think many of you understood my point. I do not want a fancy dinner with flowers and very elaborate and etc for a first date. That’s too much! I just want a man who puts some thought into what he is doing. A guy who is thoughtful thinks that maybe a food court with kids screaming is not the place to meet a woman as in dating. Maybe a business meeting but not a date! Yes it is a date, we met on an online dating app, not on meetup.com, friends.com or business.com! My mistake here was to tell the guy to choose again. I should have said no and moved on. But his second choice of place to meet just confirmed my initial feeling. I don’t want a passive guy or a guy that reads my mind, or a guy that takes to me to Paris on his private jet. I want a guy who knows better in life than to take a woman to a shopping mall. Just that. I see where you're coming from. You want a man who seems interested in COURTING you. Not a meet up. You guys are just two different types of daters, and thats fine. Link to post Share on other sites
boymommy Posted November 20, 2020 Share Posted November 20, 2020 (edited) 4 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said: I just want a man who puts some thought into what he is doing. A guy who is thoughtful thinks that maybe a food court with kids screaming is not the place to meet a woman as in dating. Maybe a business meeting but not a date! Yes it is a date, we met on an online dating app, not on meetup.com, friends.com or business.com! I'm going to switch gears..if you are OLD I have a suggestion. Why not try putting this requirement on your profile under the looking for section. Put exactly what you want and say something to the effect of "my ideal first date is blah blah blah." Clear up any confusion beforehand! I know a lot of guys don't read profiles and go straight to the pics but you don't want those guys anyway. The more serious ones will read it! Edited November 20, 2020 by boymommy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladybug2021 Posted November 20, 2020 Author Share Posted November 20, 2020 3 minutes ago, ThereSheGoes said: Exactly. But isn't that just the way of things these days? Everyone has a Rolodex, and they're just trying to get through one and on to the next. This is why I won't date Poly men, because it never feels like I'm on a date when I'm with them. They usually want a quick, cheap date, and I pay for myself, and we're probably in conversation for 2 hours, before they end things with a high five, and a 'Text ya later.' You're left sitting there going, WTF just happened. In their minds, they may think that things went fine, but you didn't feel a damn thing. Exactly. I just want a romantic guy and romance! Not shopping mall food courts. A romantic man! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted November 20, 2020 Share Posted November 20, 2020 1 minute ago, ladybug2021 said: I don’t think many of you understood my point. I do not want a fancy dinner with flowers and very elaborate and etc for a first date. That’s too much! I just want a man who puts some thought into what he is doing. A guy who is thoughtful thinks that maybe a food court with kids screaming is not the place to meet a woman as in dating. Maybe a business meeting but not a date! Yes it is a date, we met on an online dating app, not on meetup.com or business.com! My mistake here was to tell the guy to choose again. I should have said no and moved on. But his second choice of place to meet just confirmed my initial feeling. I don’t want a passive guy or a guy that reads my mind, or a guy that takes to me to Paris on his private jet. I want a guy who knows better in life than to take a woman to a shopping mall. Just that. I think many people agreed with you that the food court date is weird. I think the issue people are having is how you construe it as laziness if someone requests you make a suggestion as to what you like. People have explained why they see an issue with this. They have explained exactly why asking a woman where she’d like to go on a first meet is not necessarily lazy or unthoughtful. No, we don’t care about Mr. Food Court.. He is not here and to our knowledge, he doesn’t have a problem with dating. We are here w you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladybug2021 Posted November 20, 2020 Author Share Posted November 20, 2020 2 minutes ago, ThereSheGoes said: I see where you're coming from. You want a man who seems interested in COURTING you. Not a meet up. You guys are just two different types of daters, and thats fine. YES, this! This is exactly what I want, thank you! 😊 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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