Depression, Commitment Phobia, Not into Me, or?

[SJChris]

Hi everyone. Apologize for the Stephen King novel, but I'm baffled and want to provide as much detail as possible.

Me (31m) met a (28f) online back in August. She is gorgeous, seems to have her stuff together, a bit shy (I'm attracted to that), so on and so forth. Qualities I'm looking for.

Background on her: shy, independent, self proclaimed people pleaser, has three close friends (all live out of state), tension with mother, very rarely texts first, never had a LTR before or really dated in general. B/c all her close friends live out of state, and her family is hours away and has issues (as highlighted below) she doesn't really have a close support system other than her co-workers. Most of the time she sits at home alone.

We hit it off great on the app for a couple days. Eventually I get her phone number and we move on to texting. I prefer phone calls to texting and bring that up with her, to which she responded she doesn't do phone calls unless she is comfortable with people. Okay, fair enough. I'm a pretty laid-back guy. We talk a few more days via texting and then I start to bring up that we should meet up in person. She is a bit reluctant b/c she is concerned about Covid. Mainly because of her job (she is a teacher) and doesn't want to expose anyone. Understandable. After a bit of poking, I get her set on the idea to meet up at a local brewery where we can sit outside and away from people. I don't want to be a pen pal, I want to make sure we are compatible. Well the day gets here and it decides to rain. Obviously can't sit outside so we take a legitimate rain check. We continue to talk via text. The next day, a Sunday, we are texting and then out of the blue she drops that she has never had a legitimate boyfriend or a long-term relationship before and has only been on a handful of dates with a couple guys in the past and that this usually scares guys away. Just dropped it in the middle of a conversation. Red flag, I know. I say, okay, that's fine, you have to start somewhere. Then she drops that she is proud of her independence and isn't ashamed that she hasn't always had a boyfriend around. Okay, that's cool. I also begin to notice she is a question dodger when you ask her something heavy or important. She also doesn't really flirt back either and deflects it. She also prefers to meet up on weekends b/c she is tired and exhausted from work during the workweek. She will literally go to sleep between 8:30 and 9:00 to 9:30 on weeknights. And she does this the entire time we're talking/dating. This is key for later.

Next week rolls around and I'm trying to cash in the rain check. She cites her fear of Covid as to why we can't meet up. I said I that's fine but I would like to eventually meet up. This goes on for a few more weeks. I keep my options open. In the meantime, I notice it's hard to get her to open up about things but I finally got out of her she is concerned about catching Covid b/c she is meeting up with her pregnant best friend for a private baby shower in a different state and doesn't want to harm the baby. She wasn't able to make the actual shower date. Again, understandable. I figure out the meetup is the last weekend of September and she is more willing to hang out after that. I said okay, but what do you feel about meeting up at a park for a picnic? She was down with that and we finally met in person the first weekend of September. Almost a month after matching on the app. Just like with the app, we meet in person and we click. We talk for several hours. Although I did notice she did a lot of talking. I was barely able to get too much in. I chalked it up to her being nervous. But I quickly found out we have had a lot of similar life experiences. Eerily similar. We have a lot of similar outlooks on life, morals, etc. We're both self proclaimed old souls. We start to talk about our families. I found out there was a bit of tension when talking about her Mom. Found out her Mom has anxiety and didn't take the Covid quarantine very well. Her Mom is afraid of catching it and doesn't want the girl around her parents. Come to find out she hasn't seen her parents in almost a year b/c of this. I suspected there were other reasons to the tension but she wasn't opening up and I didn't pry too hard. Next, we really bonded b/c we both had abusive relationships. Mine was with a horribly emotionally abusive girlfriend from 2017 to 2019 before I was able to finally get myself out of it. Hers was with her "best friend", a girl and college student she roomed with for many years. I'm not entirely sure what happened there b/c, again, she was reluctant to open up but I do know it took a really heavy toll on her self-image and, according to her, is why she never really dated. She got away from them roughly 2 years ago. She also brings up that b/c of the abusive friend, she is slow to warm up and open to people and isn't sure if she will fully recover from it. Other than that, we laugh, joke, have a generally good time. She is wanting to meet up again. We walk to our cars and I usually try for a kiss or at least a hug on first dates. Of course, she doesn't want neither, citing Covid concerns.

The next week she acts real weird. She takes long to respond or doesn't at all. End of the week happens and I reach out to see if she wants to meet up and to see what's going on. She says she was extremely busy with work all week and that one of her out of state besties is coming into town so she will hang out with them. So we didn't meet up that week or weekend. This continues until she finally meets up with the pregnant best friend out of state. Afterward, it was exactly like she said it would be: she wants to meet up every weekend thereon after in October. We finally have our second date, a whole month after the first one, and we continue to hit it off. We carved pumpkins. We also added each other on Facebook. I take pictures of the pumpkins and ask if I can tag her in them on Facebook. She declines and wants me to text them to her instead. Kinda odd, but whatever.

 Our dates continue every weekend after that. I find out she is the last of her friends to not be engaged or married (much like myself) and that they essentially forced her to set up the online dating profile where we met. We share some online dating horror stories. She shares that she never had any real success on it, but that all changed when she met me. I'm feeling good about this. She says we're kindred spirits. Weekend after, she comes to my place, I cook her dinner. Things progress. We kiss (I debated this for a while b/c of her Covid concerns but decided to just go for it). All while this is going on, work is very stressful and exhausting for her. One of her co-teachers (there are two per classroom as required by law for preschoolers in our state) is scheduled to have surgery the week of Thanksgiving and will be out the rest of the year to recover. This really stresses her out b/c she will essentially be running the classroom solo with a sub.

Halloween comes and one of my work buddies invites me and her to his place to have a Halloween movie night with his gf. She comes. She hits it off with my friend and his gf. Unbeknownst to me, they ask her how things are going and she says extremely well.  I start to notice some weird things. She is just weird and...off when I kiss her. She also acts weird when I hold her hand while watching the movies. It bothers me but I chalk it up to her maybe being nervous again. I also find out she will most likely be spending Thanksgiving alone. Not wanting her to be alone for Thanksgiving (I've been there & it sucks), I invite her to my family's Thanksgiving. Of course I said no pressure at all and that I won't be offended if she said no. She did stating she isn't there yet. Perfectly understandable and I just wanted to offer. Fast forward to the first weekend of November. She invites me to her place that Saturday and she goes all out for this dinner she's making. The dinner was great and, as usual, we have a good time full of jokes and laughter. Wine starts flowing and conversation is pretty open. She talks about the tension with her Mom a bit more but doesn't go into huge detail about it. I bring up the kiss and holding hands bit, wondering if I was doing anything wrong. She replied that it wasn't me just that Covid is concerning and she doesn't want it. I also bring up that I'm really starting to like her and am feeling a real connection. Then all of a sudden, out of the blue, she asks if I want to sleep with her. Mind you, we haven't even made out at this point b/c she's scared of Covid. I was taken aback and was like I won't say no but are you sure about this? She was absolutely sure. Then she said she isn't comfortable with me sleeping over just yet and that I would have to leave after we were finished. I pointed out that it should be the reverse. She agreed and reiterated she isn't there just yet to have me stay. She also told me she hasn't slept with anyone in 6 years. Citing the abusive friend from earlier as a reason. We go to her bedroom and get at it. In the middle of everything she all of a sudden says she needs to stop, saying the feeling isn't there anymore. Of course we stop. We lay on her bed and talk for a while and she starts to share some of her self-image issues. I tell her she is the most gorgeous girl I've ever dated (which is true). Of course she didn't agree with that. We talk a bit longer but she is tired and wants to sleep. I get dressed and start to leave. We hug and kiss goodnight.

The next day, Sunday, is when it all happened. She had to go into work to rearrange the classroom and make lesson plans in prep for her co-teacher being gone. I knew this. So I wait and start texting her until late in the afternoon. She responds and I can just tell something is off. I ask if there's something she wants to talk about. And then she drops it on me. Not in person. Not over the phone. In text, of course. I try calling her, but of course she doesn't answer. She says she's not in a good place and needs to take a break. Apparently she is too stressed out from everything right now (who isn't) and that she is finding it hard to find enjoyment in anything right now and that doing fun things is a chore for her. These are concerning to me and flags for depression. I have personally dealt with depression (and thankfully beat it) during and after my abusive relationship. I am very familiar with what depressed people say since I have said most of these things. She cites that I try my hardest to make her feel happy, that I'm the perfect guy that did absolutely everything right but that this isn't the time right now. She says she is exhausted and stressed from work and can't give me much at the end of the day and that I deserve more and it isn't fair to me. Me, being stupid, of course plead for a bit for her to reconsider. I remind her that this stress will go away by the end of December. She doesn't go for that and says that things are a mess for her right now and she needs to fix them before she can be the partner she wants to be. She doesn't want me to wait around for her either. Wants me to get back out there. She also said she doesn't care to hang out with her co-workers either and that she needs to get in a better state of mind, that she is a people pleaser and can't say no to people and as such needs to end things for herself so she can get to a place where she needs to be, and that she needs space. Some of these other things she said are also flags for depression to me: fun things a chore, can't find excitement, constant exhaustion, isolating oneself from people, etc. Of course I'm heartbroken b/c I felt like we really connected and feel like I'm being pushed away b/c she's scared of getting close to someone. I respect her wishes and go no contact with her.

Throughout that next week, I obviously care for her, and am concerned she may have depression (since I've been there) and that she sits home alone all the time. So I reach out to her last Friday to make sure she is okay. Conversation flows a bit after and we start talking a bit about what happened. She repeats some of the things from earlier and says she doesn't have time to be in a relationship with me right now and that her work load is going to be full until the end of the year. I told her I was okay with that and am fine with not hanging out until January when things get better for her. Then she starts to change her statements. She goes on to say that her feelings aren't there just yet and that it's a timing issue and that asking me to sleep with her was a mistake. I would think some sort of feelings were there if she wanted to sleep with me, but I guess not? She doesn't want me to wait for things to get better for her. It starts to get contradicting to me b/c how she worded things it was like she doesn't want to be with me yet it's like she wants to leave the door open. I try to get a yes or no out of her on if anything is in store with us for the future and of course she can't provide an answer. I also ask if another person popped up and she was up and down that it is only me. At this point I bring up some of the concerning things she said and ask if she is depressed. As usual, she dodges the question and I have to be polite yet firm on if she is depressed. This upsets her a bit and says she can feel this way without being depressed. Which could be true, but, to me, those were statements depressed people say. She sends another text essentially reiterating that she doesn't want to be with me yet wants to leave the door open. I"m essentially fed up at this point with her back and forth and send her a good luck on her future text and that I hope things get better for her. I wasn't mean just wanted to end the conversation since I couldn't get an actual answer from her. She responded with some more wishy-washiness and that she is sorry that she hurt me but she needs to do this. I restarted no contact again. Haven't talked to her since.

Usually in these circumstances I just kind of move on but for some reason I'm hung up on her and I don't know why. I've already got the whole move on without her bit from all my friends, so please do not just say that again. I am in the process of doing that. And I know I probably dodged a bullet, but I'm just trying to figure out what the heck happened. Is she depressed? Afraid of commitment? Not into me? Not sure how I can be this perfect guy according to her yet she throws me to the curb. She hasn't unfriended me on Facebook and I know I need to do that. My no contact has gone over onto social media as well. I haven't posted anything since she dumped me. Then again I'm kind of sporadic on social media anyway. But I have noticed she is on Facebook almost all the time now. Her profile shows up on my chat bar for whatever reason even though we haven't interacted much aside from liking a few of each others' posts. She will be on Facebook until the late hours of the night. Which is funny to me since she said she is so tired and exhausted from her job to put time into a relationship with me yet she is on Facebook until late at night now when she would go to bed super early while talking to me. I know. Need to unfriend her. But you'd think she'd unfriend me right? We connected really well and I do have a sliver of hope she will come back but know that she probably won't. In the off chance she does, I know I need to sit her down to hash things out with what she needs to provide. She needs to put more effort into it aside just me doing the bulk of it. I thought about reaching out to her close friends to make sure she is okay and not depressed (most depressed people deny that they are. I was one of them.) but I don't know if I should do that. If she pushes all the guys away that are interested in her, no wonder why she has never had a LTR before.

What are everyone else's thoughts on this? Any similar experiences? Looking back, there were many red flags I ignored (never had a LTR before despite being a very cute girl, hard to open up, awkward about PDA, issues with her Mom, etc.) but I think everyone does that when they are infatuated. I just want to know if I did something wrong (she said I didn't) so I can improve myself for the next person. Thank you for taking the time to read my novel. I just wanted to be detailed.

Edited November 20, 2020 by SJChris
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[gamon]

You could have summed this up in about 1 sentence. A girl I met subsequently lost interest and ghosted me but I'm really hung up on her and don't want to let her go.

Let her go, she's not interested, it's not up to you to decide what's good for her, clearly it's not you.

 

By the way most people aren't going to read that wall of text that talks about the weather and your personal interests and how much wine your drink and lots of other irrelevant things.

 

 

 

Edited November 20, 2020 by gamon

[SJChris]

Yeah, you're right. Should have done bullet points for it and cut out a bunch of junk. Ah well. Too late now.

[gamon]

You can probably still edit your post. 

Start with the weather.

Edited November 20, 2020 by gamon

[SJChris]

Yeah, too late to edit it. At least the option went away. If it needs to get deleted that's okay.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. It's unclear what her problem is exactly, but one thing is clear. She's not ready, willing or able to date.

The reason it's harder for you to move forward is because you over invested in breakings down her barriers, but she invested nothing.

When someone has a moat around them this deep or makes you jump through this many hoops, it's time to consider what you want.

If it's just the challenge and chase or a satisfying relationship. Live and learn. Next time skip the frozen princesses.

[ExpatInItaly]

This woman sounds like she already has a boyfriend. 

[Ellener]

9 hours ago, SJChris said:

She says she's not in a good place and needs to take a break. Apparently she is too stressed out from everything right now (who isn't) and that she is finding it hard to find enjoyment in anything right now and that doing fun things is a chore for her. These are concerning to me and flags for depression.

Reading what you write- you pushed for your view of the world when she's continually tried to share hers, which you disparage whatever she does eg

9 hours ago, SJChris said:

Just dropped it in the middle of a conversation. Red flag, I know.

but also

9 hours ago, SJChris said:

As usual, she dodges the question and I have to be polite yet firm on if she is depressed. This upsets her a bit and says she can feel this way without being depressed. Which could be true, but, to me, those were statements depressed people say.

Next time just let the other person be and let things unfold naturally, and especially don't press for someone to share their deepest thoughts then interpret them all as signs of flaws!

 

 

[ShyViolet]

That wall of text wasn't necessary... you serious need to edit yourself and just give us the relevant info.  This girl is not interested.  She straight out told you that.  She doesn't have feelings for you.  So just listen to her, accept that, and move on.  Stop pushing the issue of whether she is depressed.... to be quite frank, you aren't her therapist and it's not your business.  Time to move on.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 11/20/2020 at 2:36 AM, SJChris said:

I thought about reaching out to her close friends to make sure she is okay and not depressed (most depressed people deny that they are. I was one of them.) but I don't know if I should do that. 

Definitely do not do this. 

It's too invasive and just not appropriate for a woman you dated such a short time. I would be furious if some guy I'd dated but later turned down started contacting my friends and inquiring about my mental health. 

I know you're hurt, but you need to respect that she doesn't wish to continue. It doesn't necessarily mean she is depressed, as she herself tried to explain to you. You would be wise to listen and detach, so you can heal and move on. 

 

[assertives]

She doesn't want to continue dating you or developing a relationship with you, and that's really all you need to know. Your entire post sounds like you pushing and wanting this way more than she did. I think she's not that into you and she's not really emotionally available to date.

I wouldn't read too much into the reasons she gave you for ending it especially why it seems like she's leaving the door open. She's a people pleaser, so it's likely her way of letting you down gently.

On 11/20/2020 at 9:36 AM, SJChris said:

But I have noticed she is on Facebook almost all the time now. Her profile shows up on my chat bar for whatever reason even though we haven't interacted much aside from liking a few of each others' posts. She will be on Facebook until the late hours of the night. Which is funny to me since she said she is so tired and exhausted from her job to put time into a relationship with me yet she is on Facebook until late at night now when she would go to bed super early while talking to me.

Also, I wanted to point out that being active on social media till late at night is not nearly as energy and effort consuming as maintaining, cultivating and building a relationship with another person. Just because she chooses to be on social media till late at night doesn't necessarily mean she's lying about not having the energy to navigate and building and investing in a relationship.

On 11/20/2020 at 9:36 AM, SJChris said:

I thought about reaching out to her close friends to make sure she is okay and not depressed (most depressed people deny that they are. I was one of them.) but I don't know if I should do that. If she pushes all the guys away that are interested in her, no wonder why she has never had a LTR before.

Don't go and contact her friends to check on her. That will be inappropriate and crossing the line and will most likely make not just her but her friends uncomfortable as well. You are not her therapist, close friend or a mental health professional. You are just a guy she dated briefly and frankly half-heartedly based on your post. Also, you are sounding like you know it all and that you know what's best for her. It's frankly quite off-putting. 

I'd just leave it alone and respect her wishes. You can't convince or make someone care or want a relationship with you. You can be the best she has met and tick all the boxes for her but at the end of the day, if she's not feeling it, she's not. Nothing you or even her can do anything about it.

Edited November 21, 2020 by assertives

[Itspointless]

On 11/20/2020 at 5:02 PM, ShyViolet said:

That wall of text wasn't necessary... you serious need to edit yourself and just give us the relevant info.

Well, it seems to me he had to write it of off him. I do not see why so many need to complain about this. @SJChris it is a tip thought to also provide a summary for impatient readers.

SJChris, I am sorry it confuses you so much. I agree with @Ellener and @assertives dont' try to be her therapist. For example, I am an introvert, I really enjoy being alone, and hated it when in the past extrovert friends tried dicuss concerns with me because I often were tired. Yeah man, you need to see the doctor I am concerned abiut you. Yeah well, bottomline we are not all the same.

But she does sound complicated though. You also read like a guy who wants to rescue. And luckily she doesn't want to be rescued and that is in the end good news for you. I think you two are not a the best match, sorry. Take care man.

[Chilli]

On 11/20/2020 at 12:44 PM, gamon said:

You could have summed this up in about 1 sentence. A girl I met subsequently lost interest and ghosted me but I'm really hung up on her and don't want to let her go.

Let her go, she's not interested, it's not up to you to decide what's good for her, clearly it's not you.

 

By the way most people aren't going to read that wall of text that talks about the weather and your personal interests and how much wine your drink and lots of other irrelevant things.

 

 

 

 

Haaa , that's exactly what l figured when l saw it , no way.