How to get over unrequited love and keep from reaching out to MM

[EvangelineVincent]

Oh boy, where to start ? Because I’m lost, hopeless, anxious and depressed. It’s been 8 months since he left work ( we worked at the same place ) and am still feeling the exact same as the first day he told me he was leaving.

My story isn’t like everyone else’s on here, usually is the married man that comes onto the OW and she gets caught up and they begin an affair, sometimes the affair partner leaves his wife for the other woman, sometimes they actually fall in love with the OW. 
 

My story is a lot more depressing and bleak. It all started when I began working at a new place, this was 4 years ago, he also worked at the same place. From the very nano second I saw him, I fell in love, or maybe it was infatuation ? You know, the butterflies, the shortness of breath when you haven’t been running, the heart beating faster, palms sweating, knees feeling weak. In short, it’s euphoric, and addicting, you from feeling nothing to feeling like you’ve stepped into heaven. 

He and I would talk about anything and everything, from music, to books, tv shows, personal problems, personal dating history, we would joke around etc. At first he would take his breaks away from me but slowly in time he started to take them with me, he even started leaving a little later. One day he  suddenly came to where I was and hugged me goodbye for the day. He also, made a point of giving me his number in another occasion which I never asked for. These are the mixed signals where I felt like maybe he was interested in me too ? But perhaps he was looking for a friend in me and nothing more.

He never texted me, but I’d text him funny stuff from the internet here and there. Plenty of people have this type of communication, but the difference here was that I liked him as more than a friend and he knew this.

On my end there was always more interest shown than on his end but with time he began to show interest in me as well. This went on for a few years. It did eventually get physical, but never anything we snuck around outside of work for and it only got truly physical one time. He had expressed a desire to leave the job before, and moving towns and eventually he left, after leaving is when it fully hit me that it's over, what we shared is gone. He said he'd stay in touch but after a while things just dwindle down to nothing. If I reach out to him he would respond am sure, but he doesn't make any effort to reach out to me so I've left it alone, not wanting to cause any issues for him.

I know I need to move on, he also had been having a close type of friendship with another woman named Susan, he forms more friendships with women than men,  perhaps this is common in cheating men ? little things would always pop up about them here and there that I'd learn about,  He was always either amused when I brought it up or dismissive that it was just a friendship between Susan and him. I guess men that are cheaters usually don't stick to one woman, serial cheaters cheat with almost anyone that gives them the time of day.

I guess am having a hard time moving on because I feel like I need closure , it all ended abruptly with him moving out of town and to a new job. It didn't end on my terms so it's hard to let go when you weren't the one who wanted it to end. He expressed sorrow for what happened but said he needs to try and make his marriage work for the sake of his son, he loves his son more than anything, but always states he loves his wife as well.

I'm still somewhat hung up on why he cheated on his wife with me if he cared about his marriage and making it work, and also why he started the affair if he seemed to have another woman he was also rather close to. These are the thoughts that plague my mind all day long. 

I'm writing this so that I don't reach out to him instead, and also as I was having thoughts of reaching out to his wife and this other woman whom he was close to. This is  a much better and healthier alternative for me, that way, in case things were a misunderstanding I don't ruin things for multiple people. Am just trying to cope with this mentally and with hardly anyone to open up to in real life, this is a sanctuary I can come to.

I’ve been holding on strong and not texted or called, I realize just getting all of this off my chest is helping me immensely

I don’t know what I want from this really, maybe just advice, strength on continuing NC. 
Love has no logic, if it were logical people would seldom be heartbroken or act so stupid. 
 

I don’t have luck in men, it seems the times I’ve wanted someone, they been uninterested, taken, long distance, I can never be met halfway with how I feel for someone. Is like I always find a man, when life has already happened to him, and am either there to pick up the pieces or they aren’t interested.

I’m not the victim here, neither is he, just the wife, the unsuspecting wife. I feel stupid this whole thing happened and it was done on his part for no reason, he wasn’t in love with me, and he isn’t in love with his wife, he has told me this about her and me. He did it for no reason. That’s the baffling part I can’t get over, the two years for what ?

 

 

Edited November 25, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Member request; personally identifying information

[Milly May June]

Its clear this guy has a problem with boundries. Its pointless to analyze his motives and actions. The good part is that you are not his wife. Imagine having a husband or partner that behaves like this? 

 

[mark clemson]

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

 

[EvangelineVincent]

I never dated anyone the whole four years we worked together and before that I had been single for two years. I definitely felt more attached than he did because I wasn’t with anyone else the whole time, of course, if I had been with someone I wouldn’t have messed with him to begin with.

Now am left alone thinking about everything over and over again. I tend to rarely meet anyone am crazy about, and I don’t date anyone just for the sake of dating, I’d rather be alone than in a mediocre relationship with someone am not in love with, that’s a disservice to them and me. This probably explains why I have a hard time mentally letting go of someone, because it could be years before I ever meet another person am interested in.

[EvangelineVincent]

@mark clemson

yes, that sound like what am going through. I just want it to stop 

[mark clemson]

Is contact with him completely impossible? Look up "starvation" on the web page. If you can arrange things so he's as inaccessible "as if he's on another planet," that is likely (not guaranteed) to stop it.  If you can't stop "being around" him (your current situation clearly isn't enough):

Finding a new partner might work, although I think most folks would classify that as "rebounding" with the risks that entails.

Waiting is another likely solution. After several months to a few years, your brain should adjust (similar to developing tolerance to a drug). My understanding is this entails growing fewer dopamine receptors in your brain. This will almost certainly take a LOT longer than you will probably want, unfortunately.

[EvangelineVincent]

We have no contact, he moved jobs, I’d have to drive to see him or text him. Logically I know I shouldn’t do either of those. Not texting him is the hardest because he didn’t say I couldn’t text him. The times 5 months back when I texted him, he responds within minutes to an hour. But that’s just torture.

I guess in time (years) I’ll feel better and move on. I was just in such a stare of euphoria that when it came to a full holt by him moving, I was and still am in a state of disbelief.

The worst is working alone in the room we use to work together in. The chair he’d sit in, the marks on the wall from where his feet would touch. Talk about a prison. 

[EvangelineVincent]

@Milly May June

Yes, he does have problems with boundaries as a married man, mainly, that he sets none until after the fact. 
 

He seemed to have this problem with several others too, but perhaps I was the one that ran away with it ? 

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, EvangelineVincent said:

 The times 5 months back when I texted him, he responds within minutes to an hour. But that’s just torture.

The worst is working alone in the room we use to work together in. The chair he’d sit in, the marks on the wall from where his feet would touch. Talk about a prison. 

Part of this MAY be "keeping hope alive" and triggering. I'd suggest you delete his number so you can't text him. Also blocking his.

If you need to, make some paper copies and put them in places where they're likely to be safe but also highly inaccessible. E.g. outdoors in a public parks 2 hours drive away or something.

I know that seems like an extreme measure, but part of the issue is that it's sometimes hard to "fool your own brain". Having his number on your phone makes contact possible. Deleting it and blocking MAY help your brain "leave you alone".

The other thing to do would be to find a way to be in a different office so you aren't triggered by associations.

Overall I suspect you need to "let your limbic system know" that reality has changed, so it leaves you alone.

 

1 hour ago, EvangelineVincent said:

 I’d rather be alone than in a mediocre relationship with someone am not in love with, that’s a disservice to them and me. This probably explains why I have a hard time mentally letting go of someone, because it could be years before I ever meet another person am interested in.

Okay, but keep in mind that limerence tends to be rare and special and also often fades once you actually have the other person. Limerence is associated with dysfunction and "apart" relationships, and our brain responds with upping the "need" and longing for the other person (if/when limerence is triggered, which isn't always). Also your brain can change, making strong limerence impossible for large periods of time in your life. I believe that for most of us it's a special thing that we only experience say 3-5 times in a lifetime.

So comparing normal, healthy relationships to limerence and concluding they "aren't good enough" probably isn't the healthiest outlook. You do you, but IMO this is a recipe for perpetual longing and perpetual loneliness in-between limerence relationships. Maybe you're different, not everyone is the same WRT to brain chemistry, etc, but I suspect that is the usual case when you shoot for "limerence or bust".

[Milly May June]

I was once crazy in love with a coworker when i was 18 and who was not interested in me romamtically. It was pure torture feeling rejected. In the end i went NC with this guy for my sanity. I was not easy but i did it over the summer when i knew i would keep bussy. As time went by the rejection stung less. Now i am happy nothing happened. He might have been a nice guy but we were not compateble in the long run. Time will give you perspective. So will dating other people. I bet a few years from now you will look back and be happy you dogged a bullet.

 

[EvangelineVincent]

@mark clemson

I think you’ve just giving me an insight on my life I was unaware of for my entire life !

What a revelation you’ve been, YEARS of mental anguish and torture, now understood. 

Limerence obsession is exactly what I have. Just now, I’ve been looking through forums of others who also have this as well, almost all the signs I’ve got. It’s not a mental disorder like bipolar but it’s something to be aware of. I didn’t even know it was a thing, I just assumed I was in love and that’s how everyone feels, while I always thought it odd how others stayed in relationships they said they were happy in, but never showed enamored feelings when speaking about their partners.

I realize that I’ve NEVER just “liked” someone I’ve been in a relationship with, I can’t do half measures. Once I realize I feel a spark, I find them attractive, it’s over, am on a high, it’s ALL I think of, my job, family, hobbies, take a backseat. I go on auto pilot mode in every aspect of my life except for my romantic relationship and just focus my attention on the object I believe I love. I replay in my head the event of seeing them again and again, I love their voice, smell, everything. It gives me a high, am then hooked. I feel like am in a cloud, all the mundane things I do I suddenly have unexplainable energy to do it. In fact, I stayed working a 24 hour shift at work before because third shift had called out. He came in early morning and I stayed an additional five hours talking to him after I clocked out, I didn’t feel an once of tiredness or sleepiness at that point I hadn’t slept in 33 hours.

 My affections I realize I want returned, who doesn’t right ? But let’s say they don’t return them ? I become even more obsessed but now the obsession comes not with euphoric feelings, but with high anxiety and depression. I can’t see a way out, it’s a constant feeling, then I try looking back at things I missed or done wrong. In this case, his closeness with Susan, I have become obsessed with even her, checking her Facebook to see what she’s posting, so I’ve now deleted my own Facebook to stop this. Even obsessing over his ex massage therapist and why she’d write to him after she left the place ? Thoughts, thoughts, and more thoughts, your mind is the one thing you can’t escape, and it’s an awful place to be when you aren’t happy.
 

I’ve tried in the last 5 months of NC to forget him, I remind myself of all the bad stuff. It’s just hard with all the good moments when he’d make me laugh, massage my back, touch my hair, kiss my head when we hugged, saying he cared about me and that maybe if he had met me before he’d gotten married, that he wouldn’t have married her, that he was attracted to me and it wasn’t something he could just turn off when he wanted to. Maybe all that was him just passing the time at work because he knew I liked him, and his wife wasn’t going to find out so why not ? 😔

Also, I did erase all texts from him on my phone and I erased his number. But erasing his number caused an unbelievable amount of anxiety and the thought that I had lost all contact with him, I added it back about a month ago, have not reached out to him because I know he’d respond but I also know if he hasn’t bothered to contact me in this long is because am not important to him so I don’t want to prolong the pain by reaching out, nothing has changed in his life concerning me or else I’d hear from him. 
 

I understand that maybe how these types of relationships make me feel, that I should avoid them like the plague....but, I’ll always feel like am missing passion if I settle for a guy I don’t feel anything for, because with romance, I’m either on the edge of a euphoric high, or am completely uninterested and can’t be bothered. Once you experience the high, you don’t want to settle for no feelings at all. It’s like being filthy rich with everything at your hearts desire and then having three bucks in your bank account living under a bridge and being told, this is really what you should be living like, because being rich is a bad state of events.Is the one area in my life I give it all to as is the only area in my life that’s ever really interested me in even staying alive in this world in the first place. Limerence obsession for me lasts years and years, I don’t even so much as find another man somewhat cute when am in this state, no one exists, they don’t exist not because I turn away from temptation, no, they don’t exist because I feel no temptation in the first place, and that’s what am looking for in someone else, I want that same intensity I feel for them to be reciprocated. 

Think am rambling here, but I’ll continue to look more into this Limerence obsession personally. It’s time I get to know myself better. Thanks again. 

 

 

[mark clemson]

Fair enough + glad it was helpful. In addition to doing your own research, you might consider seeing a highly experienced therapist who genuinely specializes in romantic issues and seeing if they can help you address this, if you want to try for more "balance" in your relationships. No guarantee it will change things, but might be worth a shot.

[EvangelineVincent]

@Milly May June

Absolutely am hoping for time to heal me, it’s been 8 months and am still at square one, but writing this all out has helped me immensely and helps me not to reach out to him. Am aware he wouldn’t make a good partner to anyone with the way he gets personal with other women. I’d hate to wonder who he was texting or getting close with at work or when he cuts his hair etc. Its just that for a completely unexplainable reason, am enamored with him despite that he’d make a horrible partner.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

Read up on "de Clérambault syndrome"

[EvangelineVincent]

@Wiseman2

I don’t think I have that, am self aware enough to know he is not in love with me. That’s one of the reasons I’ve abstained from reaching out. 

[MsJayne]

You have to start seeing this dude for the manipulative creep that he is. He can't get enough female attention, and the only person he's in love with is himself.  You know why his wife doesn't look at him? Because she's so disgusted with him, she's been putting up with him gas-lighting her for a long time, lying about his relationship with Susan for a start, and who knows how many other women. You need to acknowledge that you've been played, go through the anger, and explore why you find a narcissist attractive, why you crave the love of someone who can't give it to you. You also need to block and delete his numbers, avoid him at all costs, and start going out on dates with sane guys. 

[EvangelineVincent]

@MsJayne

For all I know his wife showers him with attention, he just needs more of it. However, even if she wasn’t affectionate whatsoever, he should have told her his needs, if she did nothing about it, he could have divorced her, not get his rocks off with his female friends.

Or maybe am the only villain here? Maybe he had a close friendship with Susan and if never got fully sexual ? She was raised with a bunch of guys, outdoor type of woman, she’s flirty by nature and she’s outgoing, she’s close with her co workers at her other job too, they hangout outside of work, so who knows ? Maybe the only one making real passes at him was me ? And he fought them as long as he could like he said, I do remember him getting flirty with me while Susan still worked there, if they were having an affair he’d avoid doing that in case she finds out right ? Unless she called off their affair after her baby was born and told him they should be friends? Who knows. Regardless am in the wrong here, falling in love with a married man ? Why did I ever think anything good would come from that ? The likelihood of humans living on Mars in the next ten years is 150% higher than the likelihood of us getting together. 

[Milly May June]

3 minutes ago, EvangelineVincent said:

The likelihood of humans living on Mars in the next ten years is 150% higher than the likelihood of us getting together. 

Hehe, i like this statement 🥰. Yeah, in the future avoid MM at all costs. Nothing ever good comes out from affairs. The aftermath is not worth it IMHO. 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, EvangelineVincent said:

I tend to rarely meet anyone am crazy about, and I don’t date anyone just for the sake of dating, I’d rather be alone than in a mediocre relationship with someone am not in love with, that’s a disservice to them and me. This probably explains why I have a hard time mentally letting go of someone, because it could be years before I ever meet another person am interested in.

I hear you, because I would rather be alone than date someone that I’m not interested in dating...

You are doing yourself a disservice if you use this as a reason why you have wasted four years of your life engaged in an unhealthy obsession to a man who is not available. Furthermore, you are doing yourself a disservice if you use this man as justification not to look around and find yourself a date. Perhaps counselling is in order, because I would kindly suggest that most people simply don’t do this. Frankly, you have wasted more than four of the best years of your life on this guy... when you could have been busy enjoying life and finding the man and the relationship that is truly meant for you. It may not feel this way when you are young, but time is precious. I don’t think this man is worth any more of your time...

Edited November 20, 2020 by BaileyB

[EvangelineVincent]

@BaileyB

 

Am aware I’ve wasted my time given the outcome. But it’s a learning experience. I’m also aware that not only is he not worth my time, but he is not worth anyone’s time, because a man that claims to love his wife won’t cheat on her and fondle his female friends behind her back and disrespect her like that. Then again, maybe he has own up to his behavior and came clean and told her everything, I haven’t spoken with him in 5 months, if he came clean to her, maybe he is worth something.

 

Lastly, I do need to evaluate my own actions in this, namely my feelings. Knowing how I love a person and how painful it is when not returned, I need to avoid men at all costs now. This pain isn’t worth the high, since in my case, it’s been unrequited. Now, most people don’t spend years alone pinning for someone hoping for the best, most people move on quick, from what I see from others, they move on as quickly as a week and as late as a few months before dating again. I’ve spent four years being faithful to a guy I wasn’t even in a relationship with until the last two years of it when he used me to pass the time ? Not sure what to make of that, maybe I need therapy, but I don’t see how someone else is going to help me with how I feel, since only I can see the light for myself or as my current state of affairs, not see it.

I also am now a bit paranoid of ending up with someone in the future, thinking all is well, and having no clue he is cheating on me behind my back, this guy did just that on his wife, I’ll bet she’s the last to know.... if she ever finds out at all.

i think my hardest feelings to deal with is Susan, knowing she got him the job he left our work for, and since they were close at our job, maybe they’ll get close there too, that’s what really makes me realize I truly wasted my time, because while the two of them had kept in touch throughout the year and a half she was gone, she’s stopped by work to see him twice, she’s stayed in touch, she found him a job. He told me he’d stop by work to see me, text, look for a better job for me, and nothing, radio silence, tumble weeds in the desert. That’s how I know, I wasted my time. 
 

Well, being this brutally open is both traumatizing and liberating. 
 

Look at that, free therapy session. 

Edited November 20, 2020 by EvangelineVincent

[MsJayne]

1 hour ago, EvangelineVincent said:

@MsJayne

For all I know his wife showers him with attention, he just needs more of it. However, even if she wasn’t affectionate whatsoever, he should have told her his needs, if she did nothing about it, he could have divorced her, not get his rocks off with his female friends.

Or maybe am the only villain here? 

I doubt that very much. I sincerely believe that when we're in a loving, committed relationship we put out a vibe, the 'I'm-not-available' vibe, and other people pick up on it. A person who's not open to flirting, (being disloyal to their partner), will quickly shut down someone who starts to come on to them, they don't return the sparkle we get in our eye when we're attracted to someone, and if we read social cues accurately we take the unspoken hint and move along. It's quite true that a happy relationship can't be broken up.  The fact that he got sexual with you shortly before he left for his new job speaks volumes. He always wanted to do it, but not while he still had to face you every day. And then he brought out the old "Oh, I shouldn't have done that but I couldn't help myself" chestnut, and then blames you for "throwing yourself at him".  That's his way of deflecting blame and making you take responsibility for his behaviour, so he can safely disappear and be confident you won't ever tell anyone because you'll be too embarrassed. He's a king among creeps and the sooner you can move past the infatuation version of him and on to the truth of him the quicker you will heal.  Be grateful you're not his unfortunate wife, she drew the short straw. 

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, EvangelineVincent said:

Or maybe am the only villain here? ... falling in love with a married man ?

You can choose to flirt, but limerence specifically is not voluntary, so you're not the bad guy from falling in love. You can't actually help that.

By the way, IMO, those who feel the need to judge and maliciously label men who enjoy (and voluntarily receive) flirtatious attention from women are probably emotionally damaged in their own ways. It's also odd how the men are "bad" but not the women.

Reality is that plenty of people, both men and women, flirt, whether partnered up or no and the vast majority of it leads to absolutely nada in the scheme of things except some fun. IMO having some huge problem with it is much more a negative reflection on the person with the issues with it than those doing the flirting.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, EvangelineVincent said:

@BaileyB

Knowing how I love a person and how painful it is when not returned, I need to avoid men at all costs now. This pain isn’t worth the high, since in my case, it’s been unrequited.

Well, I wouldn’t exactly say that. I would advise that you need to chose more wisely. 

The fact that you feel this way is all the more reason why you should seek a counsellor. You’ve been hurt, so it’s only natural that you would get defensive and seek to avoid more pain. But, withdrawing and becoming risk averse is not a particularly effective way of avoiding pain... the pain of loneliness as you get older and your friends/family marry and build their own families will be just as hurtful. 

Why not seek out a counsellor if possible to really examine what lead you to make a rather self destructive decision... with the intention that you want to develop healthier ways of finding/being in relationships such that you have an actual opportunity for happiness? 

[BaileyB]

21 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

You can choose to flirt, but limerence specifically is not voluntary, so you're not the bad guy from falling in love. You can't actually help that.

No, you certainly can’t help who you find attractive but making the decision to be “faithful” to an unavailable man for four years at the expense of actually finding a health relationship for oneself is most definitely a voluntary decision. You actually can help that. 

I don’t believe that this is love. I say that because the way to move forward to challenge your thinking and be more realistic. This was more like attraction, infatuation, a crush, a fantasy... respectfully, she didn’t know this man. Not in the way that a romantic partner would know this man. Not in the way that one would want to know a man to say that it is “love.”

Edited November 21, 2020 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

32 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

No, you certainly can’t help who you find attractive but making the decision to be “faithful” to an unavailable man for four years at the expense of actually finding a health relationship for oneself is most definitely a voluntary decision. You actually can help that.

Fair enough, Bailey. I think most people would agree with that, and I do as well.

OP may not be most people in that she's apparently a limerence-seeker in some way. Unfortunately, starting a new relationship when you have limerence for someone else probably comes under the definition of rebounding, although according to Wikipedia at least some people can apparently transfer their limerence.

As for definitions of love - I've seen a few, including in threads here as you probably remember, so to a certain extent whether something is love is a matter of opinion. I DO think that the form of love OP has been "doing" for several years now is one that can and often does lead to substantial unhappiness, and she herself acknowledged that.

I think there are those who had limerence for a partner (via whatever situation) and then "won" them out there and they probably feel like they "won" the love of their life, even after the limerence fades. However, I'm going to guess that's somewhat rare, since "winning" too fast (ie, having full access to the partner) apparently normally stops the limerence from escalating.

Edited November 21, 2020 by mark clemson