How to get over unrequited love and keep from reaching out to MM

[EvangelineVincent]

1 hour ago, MsJayne said:

I doubt that very much. I sincerely believe that when we're in a loving, committed relationship we put out a vibe, the 'I'm-not-available' vibe, and other people pick up on it. A person who's not open to flirting, (being disloyal to their partner), will quickly shut down someone who starts to come on to them, they don't return the sparkle we get in our eye when we're attracted to someone, and if we read social cues accurately we take the unspoken hint and move along. It's quite true that a happy relationship can't be broken up. 
 

The fact that he got sexual with you shortly before he left for his new job speaks volumes. He always wanted to do it, but not while he still had to face you every day. 

Be grateful you're not his unfortunate wife, she drew the short straw. 

I think for some people, they are naturally flirtatious, it’s in their personality, it’s how they communicate, for some people life is truly about being and living in the moment, making an otherwise dull boring day a better one. Susan was this type, and he said he was a flirty type as well, only he is a cautious flirt, whereas she was more of just an open flirt. 
 

Its truly possible that for these types of people they are just having fun and it means nothing more. He once told me early on when we met, that he was a flirt but that he and his wife had trust in one another, not to go over the line. Well... we went a football field over it. I think perhaps he thought he had it under control, not fully realizing I was addicted to him, for me being in the same room with him working alone, and not touching him, is the same as placing a heroin user in a room full of heroin and expecting them not to use, and doing this several times a week for hours at a time. In my mind, nothing else mattered so long as I had my fix (being near him). Now, 8 months later, am still in withdrawals. I’m telling you, my thoughts are racing every minute am awake, consumed, I can’t escape my own head, I have anxiety to begin with, so now it’s just amplified. 
 

As far as him and I getting more involved once he knew he was leaving, I think he honestly didn’t mean for it to get that far, but if he did, you are right, he did it because he wouldn’t be seeing me all the time any longer, so he figured maybe “why not ?” He didn’t say I threw myself at him, that was another time for a different reason. What he said afterwards was he could do it again in a few minutes, he must have been feeling like he may as well let loose, at that point we had crossed the line all the way. His wife called him and that’s what brought him back to reality, that’s when he said, it wasn’t worth him losing his family over. I said to him, if the positions were reversed I’d be with him, because if I had so little respect for my husband enough to cheat on him, it meant I didn’t love him, and if I didn’t love him, I had no business being his wife, and kids can adjust to divorce if the parents are civil. No response, he just looked at me and put his head down, he said after a moment of silence that he couldn’t do that, that he had to repair the marriage, that I deserved someone that wasn’t a cheater. Again, this felt to me more like damage control. I said nothing further.

Goodness I must say, I feel much better mentally today than I did the last 8 months since his absence. You guys have helped me out with your responses. Thanks a bunch. 
It feels a bit like coming back down to zero, except am not quite at zero yet. 

[EvangelineVincent]

@BaileyB

I understand how absurd it sounds that I spent 4 years completely single and alone pinning for this man, it’s just that, with the way I was feeling towards him, there was zero room to date or see anyone else. This man was my drug, I thought of nothing else, addictions come in many forms, he was mine, still is.

I won’t seek therapy because am confident in time perhaps a few years from now, but hopefully a few months from now, I can move on completely to where thoughts of him will cause no emotions good or bad, am striving for indifference. I have felt something similar to this once, years back, and the only way I got over it, was time, it took about 2 years. 

[Wiseman2]

It's odd to call this infidelity or another man/woman.

There was no affair, just an obsession.

What you can do is stop minimizing things with terms limerence, addiction,etc.

Don't go to a therapist, go to a doctor. With 33 hours of wakefulness, the tangential and intensity of it all it's better to be evaluated for mood, metabolic, neurological and other disorders.

At some level you know it's abnormal but at the same time try to find ways to normalize and rationalize. Get checked out.

[EvangelineVincent]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's odd to call this infidelity or another man/woman.

There was no affair, just an obsession.

 

I’m new here, just joined two days ago to post this as a way of, therapy I guess. I would call this infidelity because he would touch me in ways am sure he wouldn’t want his wife to see without getting graphic, I’d touch him in places he shouldn’t be letting me touch him if he was a loyal type of guy, plus we did have sex. This went on for close to two years, but the sex was once. Still, infidelity is infidelity. 
 

Am not sure if I’d describe myself as the OW, I posted here because this seemed to fit sorta where I was ? But perhaps I was someone for him to pass the time with at work ? Perhaps he was already knee deep into another affair ? It’s possible he didn’t see our heavy touching or flirting as cheating and the one time sex, was just a lapse in judgment? I’m sure he has put the whole thing behind him and has moved on like nothing ever happened, he might be having the time of his life either cheating on her with Susan or someone new, or working on his marriage doing great. 
 

That’s why am trying to put this behind me.

[Amethyst68]

There was definitely an affair and yes you were the OW.

You described giving this man inappropriate massages in the workplace. I'm assuming they were sexual because pic the way you described them. 

I don't see this man as manipulating you in the slightest. Your opening post makes it clear you were the one chasing him for the affair. Questioning him about possible other OW who you clearly saw as competition. Oddly you didn't seem to feel bad about your actions and how they would affect his wife but she became his "poor wife" when you thought he might choose someone else. 

Obviously this man is a cheat and has poor boundaries but, honestly, your boundaries are just as bad if not worse. You could have shut this down as soon as you found out he was married, instead you chose to pursue him. We may not choose who we are attracted to but we can certainly choose whether or not to act on them. 

So maybe he was shocked into reality after the sex, maybe he just threw caution to the wind because he knew he was leaving, who knows. The only thing you can control is yourself and your actions. Stay NC and move on within your life. This man is not invested in you at all. Years spent with contact only during working hours should tell you that. 

One final thing, what on earth made you act like this in the workplace? You say everyone knew about his behaviour with the other woman, you can bet that these same people know and are talking about you and him. Hopefully you will not have ruined your career prospects in the future. 

 

Edited November 21, 2020 by Amethyst68

[EvangelineVincent]

3 hours ago, Amethyst68 said:

There was definitely an affair and yes you were the OW.

You described giving this man inappropriate massages in the workplace. I'm assuming they were sexual because pic the way you described them. 

I don't see this man as manipulating you in the slightest. Your opening post makes it clear you were the one chasing him for the affair. Questioning him about possible other OW who you clearly saw as competition. Oddly you didn't seem to feel bad about your actions and how they would affect his wife but she became his "poor wife" when you thought he might choose someone else. 

Obviously this man is a cheat and has poor boundaries but, honestly, your boundaries are just as bad if not worse. You could have shut this down as soon as you found out he was married, instead you chose to pursue him. We may not choose who we are attracted to but we can certainly choose whether or not to act on them. 

So maybe he was shocked into reality after the sex, maybe he just threw caution to the wind because he knew he was leaving, who knows. The only thing you can control is yourself and your actions. Stay NC and move on within your life. This man is not invested in you at all. Years spent with contact only during working hours should tell you that. 

One final thing, what on earth made you act like this in the workplace? You say everyone knew about his behaviour with the other woman, you can bet that these same people know and are talking about you and him. Hopefully you will not have ruined your career prospects in the future. 

 

The massages weren’t sexual all the time, some shoulder massages, neck massages, back massages, clothes were always on. Even when the massages were in other areas, clothes were still on.

I don’t think I was the OW, we didn’t meet anywhere else but work, he didn’t make any promises to me, sometimes he seemed happy and flirty, touchy, saying nice things, other times he was withdrawn. He was not invested at all, he had a wife he said he wasn’t in love with, but he also wasn’t in love with me. It’s water under the bridge at this point, emotions are just the last thing to go, I still have mine. 
 

You said he didn’t manipulate me. I agree with you, and I never said he had, he didn’t, never. I was responsible for myself, we all are. 
 

I was just looking for some guidance here, and a lot of people have given it. Has helped me a lot. I have gone through today without anxiety about him but a few times, that’s a huge improvement. If I never see or hear from him again, I’ll fully recover in a few more months with the way I’m feeling currently 

 

 

[mark clemson]

11 minutes ago, EvangelineVincent said:

I don’t think I was the OW

 

No, you were definitely an OW. Workplace affairs are not super uncommon from what I understand, nor are situations where the MM makes no promises of commitment or being together one day. (It's probably worse when they do and either are lying or eventually change their mind. Divorce is a big deal so it doesn't happen most of the time, no matter what was said. But some OWs keep waiting and hoping for years.)

 

11 minutes ago, EvangelineVincent said:

If I never see or hear from him again, I’ll fully recover in a few more months with the way I’m feeling currently

 

That would be positive. 🙂

[Amethyst68]

27 minutes ago, EvangelineVincent said:

The massages weren’t sexual all the time, some shoulder massages, neck massages, back massages, clothes were always on. Even when the massages were in other areas, clothes were still on.

I don’t think I was the OW

What do you think an OW is? You were the 3rd party in someone else's marriage without their knowledge. There were sexual acts, it doesn't matter if you didn't get naked or see him outside work - and this went on for years! Plus don't forget you actually had sex before he decided to move on. 

Even argued with him about his friendships with possible other APs and tried to persuade him to leave his wife for you. 

You're trying to rewrite your own narrative and your own history here.

[Luna66star]

It utterly astounds me how many of us use excessive amounts of our energy on MM.  I was one of them and NEVER will I go there again.

You pour out paragraphs of sorrow (understandably) with further questions to analyze this player's behavior.  Detailing what other women have said about him or done with him is a total waste of your energy!  He is a player who chases everyone but wants no one.  Please repeat that in your mind until it sticks.  

Who cares what he does with other women.  There is nothing more to analyze, focus on finding someone who is available.  Now I know it is not at all easy.  You are withdrawing just like an addict tries to wean off a drug.  

This man may have given you the attention you crave but he is nothing but toxic for you.  You already know this and must delete his # and refrain from thinking about him or who he is with.  

I wish you nothing but the best!

 

 

[BaileyB]

You clearly were engaged in a sexual affair with this man, even if you only had sex once. That makes you the other woman. 

What makes this a little different than most affairs is that you were clearly way more invested. This was very one sided and that’s not normal or healthy for you. You developed feelings for the man that I believe it would be fair to say were obsessive, and you chased him even when you knew he was not available and he was clearly demonstrating mild interest, at best. 

As was said above, you both clearly suffer from a lack of boundaries and you suffered a serious lapse in judgment - for four years. I hope you are able to find a healthy relationship for yourself in the future because this isn’t it. 

Edited November 22, 2020 by BaileyB

[EvangelineVincent]

4 hours ago, Luna66star said:

It utterly astounds me how many of us use excessive amounts of our energy on MM.  I was one of them and NEVER will I go there again.

 

 

 

I could have probably learned how to play Mozart on a piano with the amount of time and energy I consumed being preoccupied with him. 
 

I need to find me a hobby.

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, EvangelineVincent said:

 we did have sex. This went on for close to two years, but the sex was once.

Ok, this was unclear. He left that workplace?

Ok that makes it easier to move forward.

All you need to do is reflect on why you were in a position to get entangled in this type of thing.

[EvangelineVincent]

On 11/22/2020 at 4:18 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, this was unclear. He left that workplace?

Ok that makes it easier to move forward.

All you need to do is reflect on why you were in a position to get entangled in this type of thing.

I feel better now and also haven’t had the “itch” to reach out. This is just one of those things I can’t fully speak to anyone else about although a few people know some of it. Being on here I can speak more clearly and so it’s helping me move on. Haven’t had any anxiety over him in a day so it’s working. 

[EvangelineVincent]

UPDATE

So, I had been getting calls here and there for the last month or so from a number I don’t know so I never picked it up and no voicemail was ever left either.

This morning, I get a text from that same number and it’s his wife !

She wants to speak with me, in person.

I haven’t replied back because I don’t know what to say and also, don’t want to meet her either. I’ve never seen her in person.

If she asks about whether or not we did anything should I just tell her everything or should I tell her to speak with him about it ?

[Milly May June]

His wife is suspecting something. Be a better person and answer any question she has truthfully. If the roles were reversed and you were desperate for answeres you would appreciate all the help you could get. 

[Milly May June]

You dont need to talk to her in person. A phone conversation is ok. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, EvangelineVincent said:

I get a text from that same number and it’s his wife 

Delete and block her number along with deleting and blocking his. Their marital problems are their business. Don't  get involved. It's His dirty job to clean this up, not yours. You are Not being paid $250/hr to be their attorney or marriage therapist. 

Edited November 29, 2020 by Wiseman2

[EvangelineVincent]

I ended up calling her, my nerves were shot. They now live about two hours away since they moved to another town. I’m not driving up two hours to meet I told her, but that I could answer some of her questions. 
 

It turns out he had been having an affair with one of their neighbors and she caught him red handed when she came home early from work. So this man is a serial cheater at this point. He made it seem like he was leaving our job because of what we were doing when in reality he had to leave because he had to leave neighborhoods and town altogether so they wouldn’t run into his neighbor he cheated with.

She came across some old texts between him and me from almost a year ago, guess he didn’t delete all our convos from his old phone.

So now she’s aware there were others not just the neighbor, then I tell her the truth about us but that we didn’t do much other than flirt, cuddle up, talk, and sex once. At this point she’s quiet, and tells me thank you for your honesty and that she’s got some thinking to do and hangs up. 
 

I’m just in shock. This whole time I thought he was having an affair with his old colleague and me on the side, now it turns out his neighbor was the one he was spending most of the time with. He didn’t start work until 2pm so he was free all morning to cheat while she was at work then cheat some more at work.

I’m definitely over my feelings of this guy now. I can now move on. 
 

[EvangelineVincent]

29 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Delete and block her number along with deleting and blocking his. Their marital problems are their business. Don't  get involved. It's His dirty job to clean this up, not yours. You are Not being paid $250/hr to be their attorney or marriage therapist. 

I will for sure be blocking his number if he contacts me in any way. I don’t want to speak with me.

[Milly May June]

You did the right thing. Block both of their nr and find yourself a good singel man. They are out there 😊. 

[BaileyB]

37 minutes ago, EvangelineVincent said:

I’m definitely over my feelings of this guy now. I can now move on. 
 

That’s good. There is a big difference between, “we got close at work, cuddled and had sex once...” and “he’s a serial cheat who has several women going at the same time.” Yowzers! 

His wife has a lot to think about. It brings to mind that old saying, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” 

[EvangelineVincent]

Update: 

So he actually came by work last night.... him and his wife are separated. He did not say he wanted to start anything with me, he just said he wanted to see me at first. I said I work second shift and it’s inappropriate for him to stop by late at night or at all. 
 

He tried making small talk and reminiscent of the place, there’s a bookshelf by the wall were he used to put up his feet or his back on and also where we got intimate at, they removed the bookshelves and added new ones as well as painted the walls this past week and he was sad about that. They also renovated the outside eating area we would sometimes eat at which is nice because now am not reminded of him when I go by.

My sister is getting married next month and he saw that on my Facebook post and said he was happy things are going good for her and me. 

I told him to cut the crap, I asked him “what’s the matter ? Things didn’t work out with your neighbor ? “ 

He gets that angry silent look and says I always ruin a good conversation or moment. That his affair with his neighbor meant nothing, that his marriage had been in trouble for a while and that he’d like to try things out with me. I’m not going to take him up on this because the reason his wife left him is because he had affairs behind her back with multiple women. So I know he is no good for me. 
 

It’s just that seeing him in person, his dark rich brown hair and light green eyes I fell in love, it doesn’t look like he is a great guy, but physically he just does it for me. He also made it seem like things could be different between us because he said his wife was neglecting their relationship and no matter how much he talked with her about it, nothing ever got done with it. He has then just had outside relationships and he knows he was in the wrong but there’s nothing he can do now except do better in the future and in the present. He said he left his house to his wife and is still paying the mortgage so her and their son can have a good place to live, but the divorce proceedings are all on their way. He is currently renting a home and got a part time job aside from his regular job to help him out financially. 
 

He says he’d be transparent with me about everything and that he’d like to date me and see where it goes. He had nothing to offer me before because he was married and he liked to mess with women who didn’t expect anything out of him because he had nothing to give at the time due to his marriage. 
 

He also revealed that years back his wife had cheated on him with a friend of his that’s no longer a friend and that he had truly never forgiven him for that plus her lack of affection towards him, he hadn’t been in love with her for years but he still greatly cared about her and their son so he didn’t leave. So he started affairs on the side to cope. 
 

He said that’s as honest as he can be with anyone and if I’d take him he’d like to try with me, I said open communication is key and he agreed, but said it takes two to make it work so open communication with no effort to change what your partners upset about does nothing, and that was part of his issue with his wife, so he doesn’t want to repeat it, he will leave and encouraged me to do the same if things were truly not working out.

Now after all that talk in person last night, am not sure what to do. I had hated his guts after his wife and I talked but now... I don’t know, and the chemistry is there I feel it.

Edited December 17, 2020 by EvangelineVincent

[EvangelineVincent]

My five year anniversary at work is at the end of December, I started there in 2015, and he said there’s a job opening very close to his place of work that has better benefits saying he’d put in a good word for me if I wanted him to. I said I’d think about it. Don’t know what to do right now. I was OVER him and now am feeling hooked

[BaileyB]

15 minutes ago, EvangelineVincent said:

He says he’d be transparent with me about everything and that he’d like to date me and see where it goes. 

He said that’s as honest as he can be with anyone and if I’d take him he’d like to try with me...

Try being the operative word. 

What do you know about this man - you can’t believe a single word that comes out of his mouth. If his lips are moving, he is lying...

As I said above, fool me one - shame on you. Fool me twice...

The kindest thing you could do for yourself is to tell him to leave you alone. It doesn’t sound like that’s what you are going to do though... If all it takes is for him to come around again and offer you a few empty promises, and you are hooked again...