Blank slate approach

[mortensorchid]

I have been hurt by many people in life.  We all make mistakes when we are young and we hurt ourselves and others, do and say things we shouldn't,  etc.  I learned most of this when I had my first job in an office.  When I got my second job, I vowed to keep to myself and always keep the conversation to neutral topics, never create waves, always turn the conversation back to others and have them talk about themselves rather than offer information about me.  I kept an air of mystery about myself.  Especially since after a caddy fight in the office the woman came up to me at lunch and asked me if I wanted to know what others say about me.  That hurt.  That woman was evil, to be sure, but that solidified to me how and why I must keep to myself.  

People say that I hide myself from others.  Well, after the abuse I suffered, I believe the best thing to do is to hide aspects of myself from others.  People can and will take information about you and use it against you.  And if that never happened to you, it's horrific.  The other day I was with some women at a job I have for recess monitoring and they were all talking about their husbands and kids, and I was listening but never offered anything about me to them.  I made sure to ask them questions about them to make them talk about themselves, but I never offer anything about myself to them - only basic facts (where I live, other jobs I have, etc.).  

Problem?  It can be lonely but otherwise in the long run, I made myself happy by being this way.  I just wish it didn't have to be this way at times.  Just wanted to say.

[Alvi]

People you work with are not your friends. There is lots of gossiping, backstabbing, you name it going on at any job. No matter where you work. You are there to work, not to make friends. That is what I learned a long time ago. Like yourself, I don't talk about "me" at work. I stick to mutual topics. I go to work, do my job, and go home.  Don't look at people you works with as your friends. Yes, I noticed that at work people usually don't divulge any information about themselves. They talk about their kids, their spouses, their pets, places they shop, their neighbors, etc... Anything but themselves. 

[FMW]

I've always had "work friends", I have three right now that I keep in touch with regularly on a personal basis even though we've been working from home for 8 months.  But just like other friendships, they've developed over time and trust has been slowly built.  They usually started when we found out we had something in common (hobbies, interests) and then gradually developed a connection.   

With most coworkers I simply have cordial and collaborative interactions.

Use discretion with how much you share and keep your eyes and ears open.  Over time it becomes clear who you can trust and who you shouldn't.        

[GeorgiaPeach1]

17 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

I have been hurt by many people in life.  We all make mistakes when we are young and we hurt ourselves and others, do and say things we shouldn't,  etc.  I learned most of this when I had my first job in an office.  When I got my second job, I vowed to keep to myself and always keep the conversation to neutral topics, never create waves, always turn the conversation back to others and have them talk about themselves rather than offer information about me.  I kept an air of mystery about myself.  Especially since after a caddy fight in the office the woman came up to me at lunch and asked me if I wanted to know what others say about me.  That hurt.  That woman was evil, to be sure, but that solidified to me how and why I must keep to myself.  

People say that I hide myself from others.  Well, after the abuse I suffered, I believe the best thing to do is to hide aspects of myself from others.  People can and will take information about you and use it against you.  And if that never happened to you, it's horrific.  The other day I was with some women at a job I have for recess monitoring and they were all talking about their husbands and kids, and I was listening but never offered anything about me to them.  I made sure to ask them questions about them to make them talk about themselves, but I never offer anything about myself to them - only basic facts (where I live, other jobs I have, etc.).  

Problem?  It can be lonely but otherwise in the long run, I made myself happy by being this way.  I just wish it didn't have to be this way at times.  Just wanted to say.

What a great post! I totally get where you're coming from, as I've been there.

[Cookiesandough]

I think you would do well with some therapy, Morten. I don’t know if this is an option for you or something that you are willing to consider/already have. I am sorry that you are dealing with this issue. I know that it could be hard to open up after so many times of being hurt. It is a learned behavior to close off because that keeps you safe. I agree with the other person that at work it is probably best to not metal too much into personal affairs. It is probably best to keep as much of a neutral position as possible. But in other areas of your life, it is often necessary and healthy to open up. I hope you find the answer.

Edited November 21, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[ShyViolet]

Well yeah, it's not appropriate to open up about heavy personal things to people who are not your close friends... like co-workers.  You have to put on a neutral, pleasant exterior when you are around people who are not close friends.  Some people over-share and that's not a good thing.  It's not "hiding" yourself it's just knowing when it's appropriate and when it's not to get into personal stuff.

[mortensorchid]

On 11/22/2020 at 1:52 AM, ShyViolet said:

Well yeah, it's not appropriate to open up about heavy personal things to people who are not your close friends... like co-workers.  You have to put on a neutral, pleasant exterior when you are around people who are not close friends.  Some people over-share and that's not a good thing.  It's not "hiding" yourself it's just knowing when it's appropriate and when it's not to get into personal stuff.

I have long since not opened up about things like that to others.  Want an example of how horrific people really are?  I was working my second job - I had learned a lot of lessons at my first job and was going into the second one with this new wall up about 20 years ago now.  I'd been there for about 3 or 4 weeks when a woman returned having been on medical leave after having surgery.  Apparently she'd had a brain aneurysm and had been absent for weeks.  The tension level went from 0-100.  We had a staff meeting a few days later, it all escalated into a huge, screaming, caddy fight between everyone in the department (about 16 people) with her conducting it like an orchestra.  It was horrible.  I sat there cowering in the corner, I did not participate.  Later that day, I am sitting alone in the break room, reading and minding my own business when this woman approaches me and asked what I thought of the meeting today.  I said I'd rather not talk about that, thank you.  She said "Do you want to know what people say about you?  Jane says you're not very smart."  I sat there with my mouth hanging open for a second.  I mean, this was a true sadist.  I said "No thank you."  I mean, that HURT.  

In some ways, one may argue, she might have been out of her mind.  She had just had brain surgery, she was crazy from that - she also had short term memory damage and she kept calling me by someone else's name.  But there was no excuse for that.  A few days later, she vanished.  I would spend another two years at that company - I ended up getting chased out by weak management and miserable coworkers who were in control.  On a side note, that same woman reappeared a few weeks after I quit.  Others who were still there said they were under the impression she was fired, she said no she quit and now she was back.  A week later, she called in absent because her son had an accident, broke his foot, and was going into surgery.  She never came back.  That company no longer exists. 

[Alvi]

17 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

I have long since not opened up about things like that to others.  Want an example of how horrific people really are?  I was working my second job - I had learned a lot of lessons at my first job and was going into the second one with this new wall up about 20 years ago now.  I'd been there for about 3 or 4 weeks when a woman returned having been on medical leave after having surgery.  Apparently she'd had a brain aneurysm and had been absent for weeks.  The tension level went from 0-100.  We had a staff meeting a few days later, it all escalated into a huge, screaming, caddy fight between everyone in the department (about 16 people) with her conducting it like an orchestra.  It was horrible.  I sat there cowering in the corner, I did not participate.  Later that day, I am sitting alone in the break room, reading and minding my own business when this woman approaches me and asked what I thought of the meeting today.  I said I'd rather not talk about that, thank you.  She said "Do you want to know what people say about you?  Jane says you're not very smart."  I sat there with my mouth hanging open for a second.  I mean, this was a true sadist.  I said "No thank you."  I mean, that HURT.  

In some ways, one may argue, she might have been out of her mind.  She had just had brain surgery, she was crazy from that - she also had short term memory damage and she kept calling me by someone else's name.  But there was no excuse for that.  A few days later, she vanished.  I would spend another two years at that company - I ended up getting chased out by weak management and miserable coworkers who were in control.  On a side note, that same woman reappeared a few weeks after I quit.  Others who were still there said they were under the impression she was fired, she said no she quit and now she was back.  A week later, she called in absent because her son had an accident, broke his foot, and was going into surgery.  She never came back.  That company no longer exists. 

Wow, just wow. That a horrible place to work at. 

Once when I was very young and very naïve, it was probably at my second real job, one woman asked me if I was seeing someone. I told her that I was single. I found out few days later that she told everybody at that workplace that I was a lesbian. My co-workers would make many condescending comments to me about being gay. I had a fine task telling people that: a) I was straight and b) That there is nothing wrong being a lesbian even if I was one. Nowadays, I would just march to HR and file a complain, but back then I was young and naïve. I confronted that gossip spreader myself and told her to stop making up untrue stories me. She stopped and carried on like nothing ever happened.  I worked there for another few years. 

I don't talk about my personal life at any workplaces anymore. I am just being either very evasive or just tell people that I don't wish to discuss my personal life. But I don't look at any of my coworkers as being my friends. More like acquaintances. 

[flitzanu]

On 11/20/2020 at 9:21 PM, mortensorchid said:

I have been hurt by many people in life.  We all make mistakes when we are young and we hurt ourselves and others, do and say things we shouldn't,  etc.  I learned most of this when I had my first job in an office.  When I got my second job, I vowed to keep to myself and always keep the conversation to neutral topics, never create waves, always turn the conversation back to others and have them talk about themselves rather than offer information about me.  I kept an air of mystery about myself.  Especially since after a caddy fight in the office the woman came up to me at lunch and asked me if I wanted to know what others say about me.  That hurt.  That woman was evil, to be sure, but that solidified to me how and why I must keep to myself.  

People say that I hide myself from others.  Well, after the abuse I suffered, I believe the best thing to do is to hide aspects of myself from others.  People can and will take information about you and use it against you.  And if that never happened to you, it's horrific.  The other day I was with some women at a job I have for recess monitoring and they were all talking about their husbands and kids, and I was listening but never offered anything about me to them.  I made sure to ask them questions about them to make them talk about themselves, but I never offer anything about myself to them - only basic facts (where I live, other jobs I have, etc.).  

Problem?  It can be lonely but otherwise in the long run, I made myself happy by being this way.  I just wish it didn't have to be this way at times.  Just wanted to say.

it's very smart to be mysterious at work.  and  you're right, every single person can potentially use any info against you, especially if it means they can benefit.

[mortensorchid]

On 11/21/2020 at 5:09 PM, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I think you would do well with some therapy, Morten. I don’t know if this is an option for you or something that you are willing to consider/already have. I am sorry that you are dealing with this issue. I know that it could be hard to open up after so many times of being hurt. It is a learned behavior to close off because that keeps you safe. I agree with the other person that at work it is probably best to not metal too much into personal affairs. It is probably best to keep as much of a neutral position as possible. But in other areas of your life, it is often necessary and healthy to open up. I hope you find the answer.

I have been seeing a shrink for years and have shared these stories with her.  I even used this tale for examples in job interviews.  My shrink says this is what I should do - stay distant and closed off from others.  And I agree.  As to working on self esteem issues and whatever else?  We're working on that but we're all a work in progress.

[Happy Lemming]

6 minutes ago, mortensorchid said:

I have been seeing a shrink for years...

Do you think it has helped you??

Just curious...

[FMW]

I can understand that the comfort level would be nice, but I would think that seeing the same therapist "for years" might not be a good thing.  Maybe some fresh insight might be in order. 

I get the idea to a point, but "stay distant and closed off from others" seems like avoiding the issue instead of working through it and learning how to navigate through the obstacles.  It also sounds very lonely.  There are always going to be people ready to dish crap your way, but  learn to handle them without shutting down. Never let the mean people win.  

 

[Cookiesandough]

On 12/7/2020 at 7:42 PM, mortensorchid said:

 My shrink says this is what I should do - stay distant and closed off from others. 

Did she really. Maybe you should consider a new shrink or different type of therapy. 
 

 

Edited December 10, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[mark clemson]

I've had my share of odd/dysfunctional experiences in the workplace. However it hasn't stopped me from being reasonably friendly with those who are open to it and having "work friends", etc. I think it's possible to strike a reasonable balance.

The guy who told me "You're nothing special" when I was a HS junior comes to mind (what kind of person tells kids things like that?). As does the guy who liked to show he could karate kick as the same level as my head (he never connected but made a point of showing how he was capable). He also subscribed to a theory that white people were descended from an alien race, apparently genuinely. Then there was the female manager who ruthlessly criticized EVERYONE while she sucked up to the boss. She drove several people out.

Real pieces of work.

Edited December 10, 2020 by mark clemson

[alphamale]

What’s a caddy fight?  Also, your shrink is wrong about you staying safe and comfortable- life is about taking risks and living outside the box 📦 

[basil67]

@alphamale  I think she means "catty".   

[elaine567]

5 hours ago, alphamale said:

 Also, your shrink is wrong about you staying safe and comfortable- life is about taking risks and living outside the box 📦 

The problem being that I guess MO is not in a place where she can cope with "taking risks and living outside the box..."

[alphamale]

6 hours ago, elaine567 said:

The problem being that I guess MO is not in a place where she can cope with "taking risks and living outside the box..."

Good point e567