Bf has become friends with his employee

[Taz1985]

My boyfriend of almost a year has an employee that Has worked for him for about 8 months. 
I’ve met her twice and she’s like a drop dead gorgeous girl. At least that part made me feel a bit uneasy due to the fact to he told me he thinks she’s hot. (Why would you tell your gf that? 

hes said random things like all the customers hit on her and she gets tips regularly from strangers. I didn’t put much thought into it until an accumulation of small stuff has built up over time.

things like, seeing a video of her she’s sent to him (request by him to review this new restaurants food), finding her ring in his car because he gave her a ride home, her and group of friends coming over to his house to have drinks ( I was invited but had to work) 
the thing that really struck me was on Halloween ...I was in the kitchen and his phone went off with 3 pictures sent by her. When I asked my bf about it ;he laughed and said it’s nothing. I never got to see the pictures and he told me he couldn’t load them through Instagram and then they disappear , which is how pictures work with iG. I was totally upset and it felt like a trigger. What is this girl doing sending my bf 3 pictures at 1am? What were the  pictures of? Is he crushing on her? I have no clue. 
I would of felt more secure if he said “look, let’s open them together, see you have nothing to worry about” but it wasn’t like that. I tried to bring it up in the morning and calmly talk about it but it felt shut down like I was being controlling and telling who he’s allowed to talk to. He was said things like “I would never mess around with my staff, you have nothing to worry about...our conversations are usually about my business  “  he has said he understands where I’m coming, and somewhat verbally validates my feelings   but has never taken action to distance himself from her. 

deep down I do not think he’s cheating on me. He spends all his time with me and he’s clearly committed to me ...but it’s a respect thing in my eyes.
He clearly knows it brothers me, so why can’t you back off from this person ? plus, I have no idea how they interact without me being around. All I can do is trust him and I’ve been trying to do. But I feel like everywhere I turn she’s there.
I also believe a boss and an employee shouldn’t really be friends anyway. Doesn’t feel professional in my eyes. It’s hard enough when he watches her/customers  from his  store cameras and she calls almost every night to ask questions on her shift about the store (I get it’s apart of the job but again , I feel like she’s always there)
two nights ago  I saw his phone on the counter and saw her name pop up once again. She sent him 2 snap chats at midnight. I tried to forget about it. But as the next day went on I couldn’t help but think ...wtf is my bf doing talking to his girl through every social media site out there? I feel so left in the dark about what they talk about. I guess I’ve become insecure .

so once again, I brought up seeing notifications of her snap chatting him. He said “you should of asked me to show you, it was of a dog her friend has”...I told him at this point it’s gotten really weird for me. 
he said “she’s my friend and I don’t have a lot of friends” “ I’ll delete her from my snap chat “ but I just figure they’ll find some way to interact out side of work. I don’t want to prevent him from having  a female friend but this feels different for some reason ..I asked him “is your attachment worth more than how it makes me feel?” And he said he’d fire her if I wanted. And I said no. I don’t want her to be fired-  that’s extreme! All I’m asking is for him to back off from her.keep it friendly but keep it based on business.  I’ve brought it up 4x and have seen nothing from him to distance their interactions and that’s what hurts the most. Last night was the first time he offered to delete her from snap chat. The stupid thing is he’s shown jealousy with a mural friend and I cut off contact out of respect.
I need some opinions...am I being unreasonably jealous ? Am I being controlling? This is seriously bothering me. I feel really s***ty that every time him and I are together she somehow pops up one way or another. Please help 

 

Edited November 21, 2020 by Taz1985

[Wiseman2]

On 10/3/2020 at 11:57 AM, Taz1985 said:

 Ive been in a relationship for 9 months with a man

I feel so disconnected from my bf sexually, intimately, emotionally. 

Hes always been a "wam bam thank you mam" guy 

One thing ive realized is he is stoned 24/7 on cannibus

Sorry to hear this. So far, he has been inattentive, rude to your  family, chronically stoned  and now is inappropriate with employees.

You need to talk to trusted friends and family about this. Do not try to fix him or make it work. It's better to cut your losses before his selfish outrageous behaviors completely destroy your happiness and self respect.

The sooner you get rid of this clown, the sooner you will find happiness with a decent man, not this manbaby.

Edited November 21, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Taz1985]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear this. So far, he has been inattentive, rude to your  family, chronically stoned  and now is inappropriate with employees.

You need to talk to trusted friends and family about this. Do not try to fix him or make it work. It's better to cut your losses before his selfish outrageous behaviors completely destroy your happiness and self respect.

The sooner you get rid of this clown, the sooner you will find happiness with a decent man, not this manbaby.

Ever since I posted my last thing. He’s really been stepping it up. Being thoughtful, and really trying. But now I find myself stuck in a limbo about this employee.... 

Edited November 21, 2020 by Taz1985

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Taz1985 said:

Ever since I posted my last thing. He’s really been stepping it up. Being thoughtful, and really trying. But now I find myself stuck in a limbo about this employee.... 

Do you want to lay whack-a-mole in a relationship waiting for whatever the next issue is just when you've supposedly resolved another? For a year or so there's been a lot of unhappiness and frequent constant issues. Do you want to live that way?

[ExpatInItaly]

Judging by your previous threads over the last few months, the cracks in the relationship have been widening for a while. 

This latest problem isn't happening in a vacuum. It's happening in the greater context of a relationship in which the 2 parties have been drifting apart.  So while he might not be doing anything explicitly inappropriate, his budding friendship with this "hot" coworker would concern me as well. It's yet another symptom of the bigger issues between you and him. 

 

[Taz1985]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Judging by your previous threads over the last few months, the cracks in the relationship have been widening for a while. 

This latest problem isn't happening in a vacuum. It's happening in the greater context of a relationship in which the 2 parties have been drifting apart.  So while he might not be doing anything explicitly inappropriate, his budding friendship with this "hot" coworker would concern me as well. It's yet another symptom of the bigger issues between you and him. 

 

Yeah it’s appearing that way ...isn’t it .

[DarrenB]

If you can't get over the barrier of anxiety, then this relationship isn't for you.

Boundaries are usually established waaaaay early on in a relationship, it's quite evident in this matter it wasn't the case.

 

[Taz1985]

14 minutes ago, DarrenB said:

If you can't get over the barrier of anxiety, then this relationship isn't for you.

Boundaries are usually established waaaaay early on in a relationship, it's quite evident in this matter it wasn't the case.

 

Well, I’m trying to establish boundaries now. 

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, Taz1985 said:

Yeah it’s appearing that way ...isn’t it .

Very much so. 

Wen you find yourself struggling with a new problem every few months, it's time to zoom out and look at the bigger picture - and ask yourself if this relationship is really working anymore. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

It seems to me this guy is not committed to you. Not committed to long term. not committed to making you happy or a priority.

[Commongoal123]

On 11/21/2020 at 1:31 PM, Taz1985 said:

My boyfriend of almost a year has an employee that Has worked for him for about 8 months. 
I’ve met her twice and she’s like a drop dead gorgeous girl. At least that part made me feel a bit uneasy due to the fact to he told me he thinks she’s hot. (Why would you tell your gf that? 

hes said random things like all the customers hit on her and she gets tips regularly from strangers. I didn’t put much thought into it until an accumulation of small stuff has built up over time.

things like, seeing a video of her she’s sent to him (request by him to review this new restaurants food), finding her ring in his car because he gave her a ride home, her and group of friends coming over to his house to have drinks ( I was invited but had to work) 
the thing that really struck me was on Halloween ...I was in the kitchen and his phone went off with 3 pictures sent by her. When I asked my bf about it ;he laughed and said it’s nothing. I never got to see the pictures and he told me he couldn’t load them through Instagram and then they disappear , which is how pictures work with iG. I was totally upset and it felt like a trigger. What is this girl doing sending my bf 3 pictures at 1am? What were the  pictures of? Is he crushing on her? I have no clue. 
I would of felt more secure if he said “look, let’s open them together, see you have nothing to worry about” but it wasn’t like that. I tried to bring it up in the morning and calmly talk about it but it felt shut down like I was being controlling and telling who he’s allowed to talk to. He was said things like “I would never mess around with my staff, you have nothing to worry about...our conversations are usually about my business  “  he has said he understands where I’m coming, and somewhat verbally validates my feelings   but has never taken action to distance himself from her. 

deep down I do not think he’s cheating on me. He spends all his time with me and he’s clearly committed to me ...but it’s a respect thing in my eyes.
He clearly knows it brothers me, so why can’t you back off from this person ? plus, I have no idea how they interact without me being around. All I can do is trust him and I’ve been trying to do. But I feel like everywhere I turn she’s there.
I also believe a boss and an employee shouldn’t really be friends anyway. Doesn’t feel professional in my eyes. It’s hard enough when he watches her/customers  from his  store cameras and she calls almost every night to ask questions on her shift about the store (I get it’s apart of the job but again , I feel like she’s always there)
two nights ago  I saw his phone on the counter and saw her name pop up once again. She sent him 2 snap chats at midnight. I tried to forget about it. But as the next day went on I couldn’t help but think ...wtf is my bf doing talking to his girl through every social media site out there? I feel so left in the dark about what they talk about. I guess I’ve become insecure .

so once again, I brought up seeing notifications of her snap chatting him. He said “you should of asked me to show you, it was of a dog her friend has”...I told him at this point it’s gotten really weird for me. 
he said “she’s my friend and I don’t have a lot of friends” “ I’ll delete her from my snap chat “ but I just figure they’ll find some way to interact out side of work. I don’t want to prevent him from having  a female friend but this feels different for some reason ..I asked him “is your attachment worth more than how it makes me feel?” And he said he’d fire her if I wanted. And I said no. I don’t want her to be fired-  that’s extreme! All I’m asking is for him to back off from her.keep it friendly but keep it based on business.  I’ve brought it up 4x and have seen nothing from him to distance their interactions and that’s what hurts the most. Last night was the first time he offered to delete her from snap chat. The stupid thing is he’s shown jealousy with a mural friend and I cut off contact out of respect.
I need some opinions...am I being unreasonably jealous ? Am I being controlling? This is seriously bothering me. I feel really s***ty that every time him and I are together she somehow pops up one way or another. Please help 

 

Hm.  Lots of red flags here.

Particularly that when reassuring you he presented it as "I would never mess around with my staff....".... instead of reassuring you that loves you and such.  That is an indirect way of saying he's interested but won't and strangely specific in a weird roundabout way as a reply to your concern.

I think you're being very reasonable and that he isn't respecting you or your relationship mutually on the level you have respected him, his feelings, and the relationship.

As for his excuse of "I don't have a lot of friends" in response to you asking to just keep the connection with this girl professional, that has a "poor me" victim vibe to it.  Which as a guy, drives me nuts whenever I see or hear about another guy playing that nonsense card.

Look up "the Karpman Drama Triangle" to get a sense of how "poor me" is a manipulation tactic and also an unhealthy way of relating.

I'm sorry.  It sounds like there is interest here.  Don't doubt yourself and always trust your instincts.  As for the other girl, she sounds really insecure and desperate for attention.  And like she wants to mess things up between you two without him picking up on it.  "She's so innocent and oopsie"....

Like... you found her ring in your partner's car.  Why did she take it off.  Is that a normal behavior whilst catching a car ride or something?  Maybe she left it there knowing you'd find it.

Regardless, she sounds like she doesn't respect the boundaries of other people's relationships.  But it also sounds like your partner isn't setting any with her.  What can you do to set some boundaries for yourself in this?

If anything were to ever happen between them and your relationship fails, I can guarantee that she would eventually drop him for someone else.

Also I am seeing a few things indicating that you're judging yourself.  Which isn't good.  "I'm insecure" and "Am I being controlling"?.  While it is worth considering of you're being controlling or not, I don't think you are at all.  And while you may FEEL insecure, it doesn't mean you ARE insecure (two very different things)... and feeling insecure in a situation where your BF isn't doing anything to help you feel more secure while also doing things which are making you feel insecure... your feeling of insecurity is 100% valid here.  Don't doubt yourself and don't judge yourself for any of this.  That is a slipperly slope internally for you in your mind.

Edited November 27, 2020 by Commongoal123

[Commongoal123]

On 11/21/2020 at 3:47 PM, DarrenB said:

If you can't get over the barrier of anxiety, then this relationship isn't for you.

Boundaries are usually established waaaaay early on in a relationship, it's quite evident in this matter it wasn't the case.

 

I disagree with this OP.  Relationships evolve over time. And sometimes that includes boundaries.  Even if you both verbally set a boundary of "no flirting" or dating someone else or whatever, you may not have had to implement it until way later down the road.

Also... some boundaries don't need to be defined until a situation shows up which they have to be applied to.  Relationships are made up of the lives of 2 different people. Experiencing their own lives separately regardless of how it may seem otherwise.  Something may come up in one person's life where a boundary needs to either be checked, or implemented for the first time.

Just don't beat yourself up or judge yourself because I am picking up on some of that.

[Taz1985]

On 11/27/2020 at 10:36 AM, Commongoal123 said:

Hm.  Lots of red flags here.

Particularly that when reassuring you he presented it as "I would never mess around with my staff....".... instead of reassuring you that loves you and such.  That is an indirect way of saying he's interested but won't and strangely specific in a weird roundabout way as a reply to your concern.

I think you're being very reasonable and that he isn't respecting you or your relationship mutually on the level you have respected him, his feelings, and the relationship.

As for his excuse of "I don't have a lot of friends" in response to you asking to just keep the connection with this girl professional, that has a "poor me" victim vibe to it.  Which as a guy, drives me nuts whenever I see or hear about another guy playing that nonsense card.

Look up "the Karpman Drama Triangle" to get a sense of how "poor me" is a manipulation tactic and also an unhealthy way of relating.

I'm sorry.  It sounds like there is interest here.  Don't doubt yourself and always trust your instincts.  As for the other girl, she sounds really insecure and desperate for attention.  And like she wants to mess things up between you two without him picking up on it.  "She's so innocent and oopsie"....

Like... you found her ring in your partner's car.  Why did she take it off.  Is that a normal behavior whilst catching a car ride or something?  Maybe she left it there knowing you'd find it.

Regardless, she sounds like she doesn't respect the boundaries of other people's relationships.  But it also sounds like your partner isn't setting any with her.  What can you do to set some boundaries for yourself in this?

If anything were to ever happen between them and your relationship fails, I can guarantee that she would eventually drop him for someone else.

Also I am seeing a few things indicating that you're judging yourself.  Which isn't good.  "I'm insecure" and "Am I being controlling"?.  While it is worth considering of you're being controlling or not, I don't think you are at all.  And while you may FEEL insecure, it doesn't mean you ARE insecure (two very different things)... and feeling insecure in a situation where your BF isn't doing anything to help you feel more secure while also doing things which are making you feel insecure... your feeling of insecurity is 100% valid here.  Don't doubt yourself and don't judge yourself for any of this.  That is a slipperly slope internally for you in your mind.

The “just because you feel insecure, doesn’t mean you are insecure “ hit home more me. On Friday we finally parted ways forever. 
the disappointing part is last week he promised to keep it strictly professional for the sake of respecting my feelings. I noticed 2 red flags - 1) he deleted his snap chat account before just deleting her. When I asked why he deleted it, he said weird things like “ she was my only contact on snap chat then he said , I don’t know how to delete just one person” 

2) I saw he liked a photo she posted on iG. I instantly became hurt and called him out- and he said “no! it was only a pic - nothing more” even though it was just a pic, it showed me he still didn’t think to respect my feelings. 
 
I asked out right if he had feelings for her. And he said “ she’s nothing more than an employee to me, you need to know it’s nothing beyond that - because you’re the one I love, you’re beautiful and the one for me”

2 days later he ended things with me for legit reasons beyond her. We have been unhappy for months. And his reasons to end it all were truth- I was feeling but didn’t have the guts to pull the plug because I was invested, attached and loved him. 
 

2 days later after our break up, I saw he got her and himself a pair is custom Nike shoes and they posted it on social media, when I asked if he bought them for her ( I asked so I could know my paranoia wasn’t crazy)  he admitted he bought them for both him and her. But “it’s not like that” 

2 days later he’s buying her shoes?! I’m glad I never shut out my instincts and trusted my gut. I’ll never date a man that refuses to make me feel secure about boundaries crossed again!  I think he was lying to himself and subconsciously had feelings for her but didn’t want t admit it.

 

Edited December 16, 2020 by Taz1985

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Taz1985 said:

2 days later he ended things with me for legit reasons beyond her. We have been unhappy for months. And his reasons to end it all were truth- I was feeling but didn’t have the guts to pull the plug because I was invested, attached and loved him. .

 

Excellent 👍. You're finally free of the nonsense and unhappiness.

You need to delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Don't keep tabs.

Just move forward and enjoy your freedom.

[Commongoal123]

On 12/15/2020 at 7:00 PM, Taz1985 said:

The “just because you feel insecure, doesn’t mean you are insecure “ hit home more me. On Friday we finally parted ways forever. 
the disappointing part is last week he promised to keep it strictly professional for the sake of respecting my feelings. I noticed 2 red flags - 1) he deleted his snap chat account before just deleting her. When I asked why he deleted it, he said weird things like “ she was my only contact on snap chat then he said , I don’t know how to delete just one person” 

2) I saw he liked a photo she posted on iG. I instantly became hurt and called him out- and he said “no! it was only a pic - nothing more” even though it was just a pic, it showed me he still didn’t think to respect my feelings. 
 
I asked out right if he had feelings for her. And he said “ she’s nothing more than an employee to me, you need to know it’s nothing beyond that - because you’re the one I love, you’re beautiful and the one for me”

2 days later he ended things with me for legit reasons beyond her. We have been unhappy for months. And his reasons to end it all were truth- I was feeling but didn’t have the guts to pull the plug because I was invested, attached and loved him. 
 

2 days later after our break up, I saw he got her and himself a pair is custom Nike shoes and they posted it on social media, when I asked if he bought them for her ( I asked so I could know my paranoia wasn’t crazy)  he admitted he bought them for both him and her. But “it’s not like that” 

2 days later he’s buying her shoes?! I’m glad I never shut out my instincts and trusted my gut. I’ll never date a man that refuses to make me feel secure about boundaries crossed again!  I think he was lying to himself and subconsciously had feelings for her but didn’t want t admit it.

 

I am so so so sorry Taz....

This process really sucks.  But one day you'll look back and go "oh... oh WOW.... thank God I didn't go that way...".

You will grow from this.

And trust your instincts.  Write this whole experience down in a journal somewhere so you don't forget.  Or if the next time you think you're being crazy, feeling insecure, or being controlling... read back on this and see if there are any parallels and if you're repeating a pattern.

Don't minimize your self worth.

A great guy will come along at the right time.

For now, this one will regret this because he is either being manipulated, he is not wrapped up with a crazy chick who has poor boundaries and is gonna hurt him someday, or it's both.