Betrayed, again

[introverted1]

21 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I have not slept at all. Aren't cheating men usually mean, argues, and are distant! Yesterday after breakfast he was observing me and said ' you're so beautiful' and went on about why he's a lucky man. Then before lunch I told him I had to drop by the store to pay the 2nd half of my new couch that's been delivered on Thursday. He said 'let me pay it', and I declined I said he had me save a ton of money already by doing my renovation I was gonna pay the couch. How can a man be this involved and devoted and at night sleeps with other women! 

Gaeta, you only have to spend some time in the OM/OW forum to see that cheaters are often able to compartmentalise their behavior.  It's not uncommon for men to ramp up affection and attention (and even sex) at home once they are in an affair. 

Hope you are hanging in there. If you can, try to get some sleep.

[Trail Blazer]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I have not slept at all. Aren't cheating men usually mean, argues, and are distant! Yesterday after breakfast he was observing me and said ' you're so beautiful' and went on about why he's a lucky man. Then before lunch I told him I had to drop by the store to pay the 2nd half of my new couch that's been delivered on Thursday. He said 'let me pay it', and I declined I said he had me save a ton of money already by doing my renovation I was gonna pay the couch. How can a man be this involved and devoted and at night sleeps with other women! 

He's horny and can compartmentalize his devotion to you whilst fulfilling his sexual urges with women he cares little for.

[Cookiesandough]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I have not slept at all. Aren't cheating men usually mean, argues, and are distant! Yesterday after breakfast he was observing me and said ' you're so beautiful' and went on about why he's a lucky man. Then before lunch I told him I had to drop by the store to pay the 2nd half of my new couch that's been delivered on Thursday. He said 'let me pay it', and I declined I said he had me save a ton of money already by doing my renovation I was gonna pay the couch. How can a man be this involved and devoted and at night sleeps with other women! 

I’m sorry, Gaeta. I can’t imagine what you were going through. I heard that sometimes cheating men will compensate for their guilt by being extra nice/affectionate. It happens a lot in the other forums. 
Try to get some rest. Hugs to you 

[salparadise]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

I have not slept at all. Aren't cheating men usually mean, argues, and are distant! Yesterday after breakfast he was observing me and said ' you're so beautiful' and went on about why he's a lucky man. 

Gaeta, I'm sorry for your pain and loss. I know it must be overwhelming right now. All I can recommend is to try and think in a larger context than how you currently feel, knowing that this too shall pass. How you feel is real, hurts like hell, but it's not permanent and it's not who you are. I'm sure this isn't a revelation... just a reminder of a  way to cope.

I think he must be a person who is not fully subscribed to the moral imperative/social contract of monogamy. In other words, he really does care, but does not see his getting some on the side as a betrayal in the same way you do, and if you never knew then no hurt and no consequences. And if he wasn't getting sexual acceptance at home, that served as justification (even though you don't see it as such). 

As several others have said, ideally, he would have terminated the relationship before going on his sex spree. And I'm thinking, yea, yea, yea, but nothing about this was ideal. He didn't want to end the relationship; he wanted his sex life back in a literal sense... but the other thing was that when you're coupled up and your partner cuts you off for some period of time, the rejection really sucks. A guy will end up hurt, angry, suffering loss (of the ideal relationship, even though only part of it is over) and horny as heck, all at the same time, and this is not exactly an unpredictable reaction. Again, I'm really sorry for what you're going through.

 

 

[Versacehottie]

he probably feels guilty and wants back into your life, that's why he is doing those "nice" things.  Here's the thing though: don't be falling for it.  Certainly not in the short term.  Have you ever heard the saying: "better to ask for forgiveness than permission"?  Right now your bf/ex-bf is acting like he lives by that one.  Meaning he will do things that aren't really ok even though he knows it and then beg for forgiveness.  The fact is he knows that what he did was wrong and it was as calculated as it gets.  Hard to fix broken trust and especially with that level of deception it would be really hard.  I'm sorry.  

Just try to distance yourself. He doesn't need/deserve an immediate answer about what you plan to do (after all he didn't include you in his decision making). Maybe time and space will allow you to feel like you don't really want this in your life.  BTW, I think you should pass on the couch.  It's a pretty strong reminder of future plans you were building with him, in your home that you will utilize every day.  Start fresh with that one.   

[Gaeta]

My almost 14 years old dog just had a small stroke. I cannot loose my dog right now, the thought of not having him through my grieving is unbearable. 

[Ellener]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

My almost 14 years old dog just had a small stroke. I cannot loose my dog right now, the thought of not having him through my grieving is unbearable. 

Hope he will be okay (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

Yes hope your dog recovers. My now 12-year old lab was my rock through the roller coaster of emotions. Xoxo

[introverted1]

44 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

My almost 14 years old dog just had a small stroke. I cannot loose my dog right now, the thought of not having him through my grieving is unbearable. 

Oh no!  Are you able to get to an emergency vet?  The sooner the better. I hope he will be ok.

 

[Gaeta]

Just got back from the vet, he's ok, his vitality is back. Things like that will happen, he's very old 😞

I'm lucky my vet is on my street, they served me for 14 years so I don't have to wait. 

[Ruby Slippers]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

How can a man be this involved and devoted and at night sleeps with other women! 

You provide a more financially secure and stable life for him, yes? I think that's his motivator. 

[Gaeta]

My middle name is 'stable'. At the beginning of our relationship he was making much less than l but the past 2 years he reached his own financial stability. 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

14 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

Based on this information, I can admit I probably would have done the same thing (he did).  It wouldn't have been 5 women in a 6 week period, but I know I would have been sleeping with someone else.

OK... I'm ready to be flamed by everyone, so go ahead.... but I'm being honest here. 

I also think your ex-boyfriend is younger than me, so he would have even more testosterone roaring through his body and (probably) a higher sex drive.

Not going to flame you, but I have a serious question. Why not break up with the woman and then look elsewhere, instead of cheating on her? Trying to understand the thought process of men in that situation.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

13 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Him and l used protection without fail. I'm not fully menopaused and not allowed to pills. I'm not too worried.

I've seen pictures of these women and they are ...ugly. not attractive at all. 

Sometimes ugliness is on the inside.

[Happy Lemming]

8 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

I do think Happy Lemming is getting a hard time here. I don’t think he’s trying to excuse what’s Gaetas bf has done, I think he’s just trying to help us understand.

 

It's fine... I have thick skin.

For me, I think the forum would be very boring if all we did was offer Gaeta sympathy.  Although, I'm sure she appreciates it, I think she was looking to analyze the situation from different angles.

If I had a quandary or dilemma that I couldn't wrap my head around, I'd want to hear any and all ideas, opinions, hypotheses, etc.  I would then sort my way through them and decide if any of them were valid or held merit.

I also try to analyze a situation in more of an analytical way.  My brain went to the concept of "split liability" which is a legal term in which both parties share in the blame.

Was the ex-boyfriend wrong for what he did... yes, but there appears to be a reason for his behavior.  When he expressed that he wanted sex, but Gaeta could not, other facets of sexual activity should have been "placed on the table" for consideration (in my opinion).

If it were me, I would probably leave before I cheated, but I might "monkey branch" to the next woman, before leaving. 

In the end, some men (not all men) need sex (or some form of release) and if they are not getting it (from their present partner), these men aren't going to stay home and masturbate in the shower, they are going to look for someone else to satisfy this need/urge.

Just my 2 cents...

[mark clemson]

Very sorry to hear about this, Gaeta.

 

5 hours ago, Gaeta said:

How can a man be this involved and devoted and at night sleeps with other women! 

I think the below posts are essentially correct:

3 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

He's horny and can compartmentalize his devotion to you whilst fulfilling his sexual urges with women he cares little for.

8 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

I think he thought this was a good solution. Meet women for casual sex who would never be a threat to Gaeta, then carry on his relationship with Gaeta and everyone is happy.

 

24 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

Not going to flame you, but I have a serious question. Why not break up with the woman and then look elsewhere, instead of cheating on her? Trying to understand the thought process of men in that situation.

 

I suspect IN THIS CASE he didn't want to break up with Gaeta and still doesn't. He wants to cake eat and have his nice stable, loyal, partner AND be a player who sleeps around. I would guess the lack of sex partly justifies this in his mind.

In a way, he is choosing Gaeta + it's pretty clear he was at least initially hoping this would blow over. To me that seems either very clueless or mildly delusional. Obviously she shouldn't tolerate this or take him back. I sincerely doubt he would accept the same from her. MOST people don't care for open relationships.

Once again cheating was a "garden path" to getting unfulfilled needs met that ultimately backfires, severely hurts the BP, and blows up the original R. Ie., the usual case.

[Gaeta]

I just got a text from one of the women l called yesterday. She said she did not sleep and did not meant to hurt another woman this way and sent me strenght etc. I told her l did not blame her in anyway and thanked her for her kindness. 

Edited November 22, 2020 by Gaeta

[Happy Lemming]

28 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

Why not break up with the woman and then look elsewhere, instead of cheating on her? Trying to understand the thought process of men in that situation.

I'm going to answer your question as if I was younger and the age of Gaeta's ex-boyfriend. 

If I was dating woman "A" and things were going downhill and the sex was sparse, I would cheat on her until I established a sexual relationship with woman "B", because some sex is better than no sex.  Once I had established a fairly stable relationship with woman "B", I would dump woman "A".

If I was dating woman "A" and was getting no sex whatsoever, I would just dump woman "A" and leave. 

[poppyfields]

30 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

It's fine... I have thick skin.

For me, I think the forum would be very boring if all we did was offer Gaeta sympathy.  Although, I'm sure she appreciates it, I think she was looking to analyze the situation from different angles.

If I had a quandary or dilemma that I couldn't wrap my head around, I'd want to hear any and all ideas, opinions, hypotheses, etc.  I would then sort my way through them and decide if any of them were valid or held merit.

I also try to analyze a situation in more of an analytical way.  My brain went to the concept of "split liability" which is a legal term in which both parties share in the blame.

Was the ex-boyfriend wrong for what he did... yes, but there appears to be a reason for his behavior.  When he expressed that he wanted sex, but Gaeta could not, other facets of sexual activity should have been "placed on the table" for consideration (in my opinion).

If it were me, I would probably leave before I cheated, but I might "monkey branch" to the next woman, before leaving. 

In the end, some men (not all men) need sex (or some form of release) and if they are not getting it (from their present partner), these men aren't going to stay home and masturbate in the shower, they are going to look for someone else to satisfy this need/urge.

Just my 2 cents...

Hi Lemming, I was logged off but read this^ and logged back in to "thank" you for this post and to apologize for earlier.  I was a bit wound up reading what was happening to Gaeta, a valued member here, and over-reacted. 

What you wrote make sense and I understand "split liability" and how it might apply here (thinking logically versus emotionally).

@Gaetahow are you feeling today?  Try and get some sleep, I have sleep disturbances as well, sucks.

Let us know how you're doing!  xoxo

 

Edited November 22, 2020 by poppyfields

[elaine567]

6 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I'm going to answer your question as if I was younger and the age of Gaeta's ex-boyfriend.

Gaeta's bf is 53-54, are you that much older?

[Happy Lemming]

1 minute ago, elaine567 said:

Gaeta's bf is 53-54, are you that much older?

My bad... I thought Gaeta's ex-bf was in his early 40's.  I'm 55, so basically the same age.

[Allupinnit]

Oh give me a BREAK with this crap about his poor neglected needs.  This is his character - so much so that his ex wife tried to warn her about him.  He's a CHEAT, and a duplicitous person. 

Gaeta, I'm so sorry this has happened to you and if you value fidelity and honesty in your life I would not let this snake beg his way back in.  Just in total shock here that anyone could sleep with that many women in a month, with COVID raging all around us no less, and look you in the eye and talk about the damn couch.

 

Edited November 26, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed personal attack.

[dangerous]

3 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

Not going to flame you, but I have a serious question. Why not break up with the woman and then look elsewhere, instead of cheating on her? Trying to understand the thought process of men in that situation.

Yes, I concur: a more sorted (scrupulous) man would have ended the relationship, after efforts to resolve, rather than cheat. I guess that makes the break-up all the more unpleasant..

[Gaeta]

Thank you all for your support through the day it made a huge difference. 

[Acacia98]

I'm so sorry, Gaeta.