Betrayed, again

[poppyfields]

12 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

I feel like this kind of thread only reinforces the dudes who come on here and ask why women love cheaters and jerks.  

If he didn't have any respect for you before, he definitely won't when you tell him he's allowed to "cheat" as long he doesn't leave you and is discreet. 

I know you don't want to go back online to meet someone else; we've heard all about how many men you had to meet just to get to THIS one.  You're probably feeling afraid of the prospect of being alone.

But hey if you're fine with it, who am I to say.  I just know my heart would break every Saturday night he's not around and I'd know he was sticking it to someone else, with God knows who, picking up God knows what from POF.  🤮 That trust is gone now.  That sounds like a total crap way to live.  I don't think I could even touch him again.

I 100% agree with that!  Especially bolded. 👍

[Gaeta]

I feel attacked. I am simply considering. Like I said usually these couples have rules it's not a free for all pass at anytime anywhere. 

[Watercolors]

Gaeta sorry that this happened to you. Just ignore the posters' whose advice attacks your personal values because it clashes with theirs. That's why posters attack, I've learned. It's because they don't agree with what you're doing, b/c that's not what they would do.

I have no advice for you except to say, follow your gut. The gut is never wrong no matter what other people's "guts" tell you.

[Miss Spider]

Saw this coming. I think if you want monogamy, you’re with the wrong guy, but ultimately it’s your choice. I hope it works out for you. 

[balletomane]

13 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You're making it ugly and dirty and it hurts me. If ever I am ready to negotiate an arrangement of that sort there will be several rules.

Gaeta, it is absolutely your choice how you respond to this situation. No one else is in your shoes and no one has a right to tell you what to do. But whatever you choose, you need to be honest with yourself.

It isn't a poster on Loveshack who is making it "ugly and dirty". Your boyfriend made it ugly and dirty when he betrayed your trust. No matter how guilty you feel, no matter how many excuses you make for him, there is no way to make betrayal look clean. It looks ugly because it is ugly.

If you remain with him, you're remaining with a man who cheated and lied. Again, that is your choice to make - but at least be honest with yourself about his behaviour. He didn't do this because you "failed as a lover". By saying that, you're shifting blame to yourself, presumably because it's easier to be angry at yourself than it is to be angry at him (and because this way you get a sense of control back - if it only happened because of you, you can stop the cheating by just being different in future). Your advice on LS is clear-sighted. If another poster was saying these things, how would you react?

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Ok you're stretching it. Yes it's HIS core value we know now but we all speak like that. Look at us on here women like this, women don't like that, we almost always phrase as 'we' and we don't represent all women.

Gaeta, I think you are in the bargaining stage of grief and it’s this phase where women get caught up and take the guys back. 

 

Another reason that I think it is will likely you will likely go back is that you have propensity to be very understanding of your partners, to the point you push down/negate your own point of view. You know what he did is wrong, but just like in the other threads, you excuse it and change your position. Love makes us so irrational 😩

Edited November 23, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Ruby Slippers]

It would never work for me. I'd be happier single.

But Gaeta clearly seems to be considering it, which is her business. My only suggestion if he gets additional benefits/freedoms is to consider what her additional benefits/freedoms will be. She doesn't have to sit at home worrying when he's away - she can be out on romantic dates or doing whatever else she'd like to away from him. 

[Happy Lemming]

28 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Walmart Wilma

What is a Walmart Wilma??

I ask because I truly don't know and google was of no assistance.

[elaine567]

Just now, Happy Lemming said:

What is a Walmart Wilma??

I ask because I truly don't know and google was of no assistance.

I just made it up. His choice of women were according to Gaeta of the "Walmart" variety, hence a "Walmart Wilma"...

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, balletomane said:

It isn't a poster on Loveshack who is making it "ugly and dirty". Your boyfriend made it ugly and dirty when he betrayed your trust.

I was replying to a comment that the poster said about open relationships. She made it sound ugly and dirty. The cheating my bf did IS ugly and dirty of course. 

[Allupinnit]

Just now, Gaeta said:

I was replying to a comment that the poster said about open relationships. She made it sound ugly and dirty. The cheating my bf did IS ugly and dirty of course. 

No - I was referring to what he was already doing, not open relationships in general.  Sleeping with random strangers from POF behind your back.  Did you ever ask him why five people that you know of?  Maybe he's a sex addict.  Scratching an itch doesn't take five women.

 

 

[Gaeta]

9 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

she can be out on romantic dates or doing whatever else she'd like to away from him. 

I don't want sex or romantic dinner with other men. I would never allow he goes on 'dates' or trips with women. I don't want him to 'date' other women. Sex is sex. Nothing else. And even in 'sex' there are rules.

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

  Scratching an itch doesn't take five women.

Not that it matters but it's 3 in a month.

He just kept saying he doesn't know why. We did not get to have a calm conversation, this all happened over the phone with multiple hang ups.

Edited November 23, 2020 by Gaeta

[Allupinnit]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

I don't want sex or romantic dinner with other men. I would never allow he goes on 'dates' or trips with women. I don't want him to 'date' other women. Sex is sex. Nothing else. And even in 'sex' there are rules.

Could he just get a prostitute?  They're usually clean at least, and professional.  Most women on POF are at least going to want a couple of dates (he has to lie to them too, after all). 

[Miss Spider]

Open relationships can seem good on paper, but from what I’ve noticed, they get super messy.  99.9% of people can’t separate attachment and sex. Emotions get involved. People get hurt. 

[elaine567]

Just now, Allupinnit said:

Scratching an itch doesn't take five women

Plenty guys in sexless marriages/relationships on the forum.
I don't recall any going on sex sprees with multiple women. Most either want to cheat with one particular person or want to be able to have sex with their wife again and want to know how to go about it.

[gamon]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

 He said he loved me and he could wait as long as I needed, that sex is not a make-it or break-it issue. 

Sure he can wait for you, because he gets it elsewhere and has his own definition of love which means his needs come first, way ahead of yours even to the point of deceiving you and putting your health in danger via STDs.

Blows my mind that you would consider staying with this guy who cheated on you with 5 different women (that you know of) in the past MONTH and are still asking him questions and expecting reasonable honest answers.

You need to find your self respect and give this guy a kick to the curb once and for all.

 

 

 

 

Edited November 23, 2020 by gamon

[Gaeta]

I think he likes the chase and these women told me he lost interest after 2-3 meetings.

[Ruby Slippers]

7 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I don't want sex or romantic dinner with other men. I would never allow he goes on 'dates' or trips with women. I don't want him to 'date' other women. Sex is sex. Nothing else. And even in 'sex' there are rules.

So he gets all the outside sex he wants and you get... what? You're going to give more and get less... why?

[gamon]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I think he likes the chase and these women told me he lost interest after 2-3 meetings.

Doesn't matter.

[Gaeta]

14 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

So he gets all the outside sex he wants and you get... what? You're going to give more and get less... why?

You speak like a sexual woman. I do not want sex THAT much. Maybe it will change if I make some changes n my life but for now I get up at 5h30 am and I am exhausted at night. I will get peace of mind that the man I love is not sex-craved and he's not building up resentment toward me, and all my investment in our relationship won't disappear in a fume over sex.

[Gaeta]

19 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

So he gets all the outside sex he wants and you get.

Like I said, there are rules to these arrangements. It's not a free pass. 

[Miss Spider]

13 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You speak like a sexual woman. I do not want sex THAT much. Maybe it will change if I make some changes n my life but for now I get up at 5h30 am and I am exhausted at night. I will get peace of mind that the man I love is not sex-craved and he's not building up resentment toward me, and all my investment in our relationship won't disappear in a fume over sex.

That sounds all well and good in practicality. But how will you feel when you’re at home and you know he is out with another woman? How will you feel knowing he’s going through the motions to woo her, telling her sweet words, touching her, kissing her, having sex with her? How will you feel knowing all the hours he’s gone he’s telling some woman the same things he’s told you? How will you feel if he ends up meeting a woman he takes a particular liking to, develops stronger feelings, and would rather be with her  ? Etc etc etc remember, we aren’t completely pragmatic. We have feelings .

Edited November 23, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

That sounds all well and good in practicality. But how will you feel when you’re at home and you know he is out with another woman? How will you feel knowing he’s going through the motions to woo her, telling her sweet words, touching her, kissing her, having sex with her? How will you feel knowing all the hours he’s gone he’s telling some woman the same things he’s told you? How will you feel if he ends up meeting a woman he takes a particular liking to and develops feelings for her? Etc etc etc remember, we aren’t completely pragmatic. We have feelings .

I am not suppose to know when this happens, and I won't think about it. Like I said earlier, I am not interested in these details. I know he slept with 3 women in the past month and I am not interested in knowing the details. At all. I see women on here wanting to know all the little details of their bf's affairs, it's not me. 

He can meet a woman at the corner store and fall for her. And again, couples opting for this usually have rules like don't meet the same woman twice. Make clear you're only looking for a hook up, etc. 

I am just *thinking* about it. Exploring the details. Deep down I am probably not able to allow this.

 

[Allupinnit]

12 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Like I said, there are rules to these arrangements. It's not a free pass. 

Gaeta I just want to clarify - you don't want to take the toys away from the baby, you just want rules around how he can play?  What makes you think, after ALLLL he's done, that he'd adhere to your rules and be honest about what he's up to?  Girl, he LIES.  He does what he wants. His ex wife tried to tell you.