poppyfields Posted November 24, 2020 Share Posted November 24, 2020 8 minutes ago, Gaeta said: He's not interested in getting oral, he tolerates it 10 seconds, he says it's not satisfying to him. He's a PIV kind of guy. Ok fair enough. Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted November 24, 2020 Share Posted November 24, 2020 3 minutes ago, Gaeta said: He can talk the panties off a woman no problem but he will never initiate a physical touch, especially with a strange woman who can turn around and say that touch was unwanted I will get you in trouble. It's still not a problem for him, women here are very aggressive and will initiate physical touch no problem. Got it. Thanks for clarifying. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted November 24, 2020 Author Share Posted November 24, 2020 12 minutes ago, Allupinnit said: I think right now he's ignoring you and that makes you feel like he can walk away and you want him to choose you, not these other women. You are being manipulated. This is not love. I kept yelling at him over the phone and hanging up. He came over got this things. He called again 3 times and I was still in rage. He said lets take the week to calm down then we can talk. I yelled I don't want a week to calm down.....which kind of confirmed I need one. From there he was silent. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 24, 2020 Share Posted November 24, 2020 38 minutes ago, Gaeta said: See my bf isn't big on initiating, I have to start it, he told me once he's afraid of rejection so he doesn't initiate. It worked till menopause hit, I told him to get it going and I will get into it even if I am tired, I just need to be ignited. Then he tries but tries to ignite me in the middle of the night when I'm deep into sleep! When we get up in the morning he says he touched me and I didn't react....ggrr! This is nonsense. He won't initiate but he then tells you he tries and fails to initiate in the middle of the night when you are fast sleep? I think he just does not want to have sex with YOU for some reason. Sorry to say. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted November 24, 2020 Share Posted November 24, 2020 6 minutes ago, Gaeta said: He can talk the panties off a woman no problem but he will never initiate a physical touch, especially with a strange woman who can turn around and say that touch was unwanted I will get you in trouble. It's still not a problem for him, women here are very aggressive and will initiate physical touch no problem. That's the only thing you got from my post? That you believe you know how he acts with the women he cheats on you with? I mean, best of luck to you @Gaeta - you're gonna need it. Hopefully you don't turn into that one poster in the Infidelity section who screens her husband's messages to see if he *actually* has feelings for his other woman. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted November 24, 2020 Author Share Posted November 24, 2020 1 minute ago, elaine567 said: I think he just does not want to have sex with YOU for some reason. Sorry to say. It felt that way the past 4-6 weeks. He got what he needed elsewhere. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted November 24, 2020 Share Posted November 24, 2020 (edited) 9 minutes ago, elaine567 said: I think he just does not want to have sex with YOU for some reason. Sorry to say. Like a madonna/whore complex? Could be. There are men like this, in their minds, there are two types of women. The woman he cherishes and loves (madonna) and women he has trashy sex with (whores). It's all speculation but worthy of consideration. There is a lot to unravel, I really do think therapy might benefit both of you, jmo. Assuming you choose to stay and work through. Edited November 24, 2020 by poppyfields Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted November 24, 2020 Author Share Posted November 24, 2020 3 minutes ago, Allupinnit said: That you believe you know how he acts with the women he cheats on you with? Please stop. There is a whole story behind this that I don't need to get into. He is like that, period. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 24, 2020 Share Posted November 24, 2020 2 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Like a madonna/whore complex? Could be. Maybe or he has built up resentment or he has lost attraction for Gaeta or he loves the thrill of illicit sex or he thinks cheating is normal behaviour for men, or he has one foot half way out the door, or..... Who knows but I guess it is "big", whatever it is... Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 24, 2020 Share Posted November 24, 2020 11 minutes ago, Gaeta said: It felt that way the past 4-6 weeks. He got what he needed elsewhere. Have you ever felt that way before in this relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted November 24, 2020 Author Share Posted November 24, 2020 5 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Have you ever felt that way before in this relationship? No, never. And he was always generous but in the last 4-6 weeks he was overly generous. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted November 24, 2020 Share Posted November 24, 2020 43 minutes ago, Allupinnit said: All of those things you swear he does for you, are what ANY loving boyfriend should be doing. That doesn't set him apart. They don't negate this addiction he has for validation and sexual gratification. ^^^. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted November 24, 2020 Author Share Posted November 24, 2020 49 minutes ago, Allupinnit said: All of those things you swear he does for you, are what ANY loving boyfriend should be doing. That doesn't set him apart. They don't negate this addiction he has for validation and sexual gratification. I've never had a man like that before in my life. I never said his qualities negated his cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted November 24, 2020 Author Share Posted November 24, 2020 1 minute ago, poppyfields said: G, I don't think anyone intends to be hurtful, tough love as you said. But if being here right now is more hurtful than helpful, then perhaps Watercolors is right, take a break for a bit? 100% your call. We all want what's best, I know I do. xoxo Post like yours pointing to me important things to consider are very helpful. The other posts destroying what I've experienced with him for 5 years is hurtful. No one talks like that to me in my real life and they have my best interest at heart. My friends and family have spent 5 years with him, if they had not felt his love was genuine they would have told me so, they had no problems stepping in the past when they felt I was not being treated to my value. When I confined in my friends and daughter no one destroyed his character! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Elissa Posted November 24, 2020 Share Posted November 24, 2020 Hi All, This is a gentle reminder to please give your no doubt well meant advice with thoughtfulness and sensitivity in a way that is respectful and helpful to this specific situation only. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted November 24, 2020 Share Posted November 24, 2020 (edited) Gaeta, browsing the infidelity section, I found a thread from 2015 called "Is Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater"? Apologies I am unable to link from my phone (or don't know how). Anyway it's a short thread but interesting. One post reads: "One characteristic of cheaters is that they usually take their partners for granted. Often, they only realise the severity of their mistake after their partner walks out." I do know some couples have worked things out with counseling, but I thought that post was interesting. Have you spoken with him again since yesterday? Edited November 24, 2020 by poppyfields Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted November 24, 2020 Share Posted November 24, 2020 I suspect your BF gets a sense of self worth from being desired sexually. Which is why his cheating isn’t a need for sexual release, it’s a need to feel desired. Sexual release alone can be solved with masturbation. Needing someone else is about something deeper. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted November 24, 2020 Share Posted November 24, 2020 (edited) 8 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: I suspect your BF gets a sense of self worth from being desired sexually. Which is why his cheating isn’t a need for sexual release, it’s a need to feel desired. Sexual release alone can be solved with masturbation. Needing someone else is about something deeper. Ever watch The Sopranos? Tony Soprano was like this. Even therapy couldn't help, he wanted to have sex with his therapist! His wife tried to turn a blind eye, but she knew about his dalliances and affairs, she accepted although it hurt her deeply. To her core I think. Not a happy situation by anyone's standards. Edited November 24, 2020 by poppyfields Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted November 24, 2020 Author Share Posted November 24, 2020 23 minutes ago, poppyfields said: "One characteristic of cheaters is that they usually take their partners for granted. Often, they only realise the severity of their mistake after their partner walks out." I do know some couples have worked things out with counseling, but I thought that post was interesting. Have you spoken with him again since yesterday? Yes absolutely, it's one of the trap many couples fall in - taking them for granted. I did too, in a different way. No he has not replied to my message from yesterday. He won't until the weekend. He told me he wanted a week to calm down then we talk. He will obey by that. I have seen him do the same to his daughter and his ex when they call him frantic and yelling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted November 24, 2020 Author Share Posted November 24, 2020 26 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: I suspect your BF gets a sense of self worth from being desired sexually. Which is why his cheating isn’t a need for sexual release, it’s a need to feel desired. Sexual release alone can be solved with masturbation. Needing someone else is about something deeper. He's not satisfied if it's not PIV. He also has a high sex drive, he reminds me of younger men I dated in their 30s. He also needs sex when he's stressed about work or anything else important. Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted November 24, 2020 Share Posted November 24, 2020 4 hours ago, Gaeta said: ... See my bf isn't big on initiating, I... How does that line up with him going on a dating site and sleeping with at least three other women in the last month or so? Sounds like he has no problem being proactive. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted November 24, 2020 Author Share Posted November 24, 2020 5 minutes ago, SumGuy said: How does that line up with him going on a dating site and sleeping with at least three other women in the last month or so? Sounds like he has no problem being proactive. I was not excusing what he did. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 24, 2020 Share Posted November 24, 2020 22 minutes ago, Gaeta said: No he has not replied to my message from yesterday. He won't until the weekend. He told me he wanted a week to calm down then we talk. He will obey by that. I have seen him do the same to his daughter and his ex when they call him frantic and yelling. Despite being totally in the wrong, HE has placed himself in the driving seat... he controls the situation. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted November 24, 2020 Share Posted November 24, 2020 (edited) 29 minutes ago, Gaeta said: No he has not replied to my message from yesterday. He won't until the weekend. He told me he wanted a week to calm down then we talk. My heart literally dropped reading this^, hurt on top of hurt. Immense hurt. I'm so sorry. He cheats with god only knows how many women, 3 that you know of, 2 you haven't confirmed, and now doesn't want to talk for a week and ignores your messages? I'm on your side G, but WTF. I'm feeling a bit ill imagining all this. Damn girl, there is something very VERY seriously wrong with this picture. I'm sorry I know you love him but he sounds like some sort of narcissist or sociopath or something, I don't know, but but something is definitely off. Just my $.02 I'm sorry if that sounds insensitive. God, you deserve better, I wish you could see that too. Take good care G, keep us posted. Edited November 24, 2020 by poppyfields 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted November 24, 2020 Author Share Posted November 24, 2020 9 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Despite being totally in the wrong, HE has placed himself in the driving seat... he controls the situation. I still have the choice to say no if he comes back. Link to post Share on other sites
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