Betrayed, again

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

I still have the choice to say no if he comes back.

Yes, but atm you are waiting around for him to deign to see you at the weekend...

[Gaeta]

10 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

 and now doesn't want to talk for a week and ignores your messages? 

I don't totally view it that way. There was no point of us talking on Saturday I was too hurt/raw and unwilling to listen, I only wanted to yell at him. It's good to wait a week and then have a decent conversation even if it's just to say good bye. 

If he replies to my message he knows I will not limit myself to that and I'll get into what happened and it's gonna be a screaming match again.

[Gaeta]

7 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Yes, but atm you are waiting around for him to deign to see you at the weekend...

At the moment  I am  calming down. I am considering everything that is said to me on here by members I respect, like you elaine, and my real life friends. In a week I may feel life without him is ok after all. 

Edited November 24, 2020 by Gaeta

[trident_2020]

44 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

No he has not replied to my message from yesterday. He won't until the weekend. He told me he wanted a week to calm down then we talk. 

You should be the one telling HIM you need space to process everything before you will speak to him again.

This is totally backwards.

 

[Gaeta]

trident_2020: but I didn't want a week. I was not in a state of mind to analyze the situation and come to a smart offer like let's speak in a week. 

[trident_2020]

That's fine that you didn't need a week but HE has no right to blow you off for a week and ignore your messages until HE thinks he's ready to talk to you.

 

[Tigzz]

Firstly what he did was wrong, no doubt about that.

Looking into it deeper, it appears all his love and emotional attachment to you @Gaeta for the last 5 years was/is very much real. The physical side became lacking for reason's you have stated and he made the decision to satisfy those urges by meeting other women. I can't think of any man that would be happy to not have their needs met in a relationship. It's clear he was very happy being in your life, wanted to continue being in your life, but had to find a way to satisfy his needs, and still be in your life. We men can very easily meet women just for sex without a thought for the whole emotional side of things.

What you decide to do about his choice of actions is completely up to you. Just know that it's 99% sure that unless you meet his physical needs... he will go elsewhere again.

Edited November 24, 2020 by Tigzz

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

That's fine that you didn't need a week but HE has no right to blow you off for a week and ignore your messages until HE thinks he's ready to talk to you.

 

When someone tells you 2-3 times in a conversation they want/need a week to calm down it's not blowing you off. As per your logic if he requires it he's blowing me off but If I require it then it's ok. Yes he cheated and lied and all that but he's still human and this is a lot of stress for him as well. 

[Watercolors]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

When someone tells you 2-3 times in a conversation they want/need a week to calm down it's not blowing you off. As per your logic if he requires it he's blowing me off but If I require it then it's ok. Yes he cheated and lied and all that but he's still human and this is a lot of stress for him as well. 

Gaeta you are an intelligent person. You have been cheated on before and you know that there is literally no excuse reasonable enough to justify why someone cheats on their romantic partner. You going through menopause etc. are not reasons for him to cheat on you. Cheaters cheat because they are too emotionally immature and self-centered to participate in those hard relationship conversations, where asking their relationship partner for help meeting their needs, is concerned. 

And now you’ve given away your power to a cheating partner. Why would you give away your power like you have? You need to take your power back and you need to take it back right now. 

[trident_2020]

12 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

When someone tells you 2-3 times in a conversation they want/need a week to calm down it's not blowing you off. As per your logic if he requires it he's blowing me off but If I require it then it's ok. Yes he cheated and lied and all that but he's still human and this is a lot of stress for him as well. 

What does HE need a week to calm down about? He's upset because you found out he's been cheating on you??

 

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, Watercolors said:

And now you’ve given away your power to a cheating partner. Why would you give away your power like you have? You need to take your power back and you need to take it back right now. 

I don't understand this power thing. I do not want to block him and end things like a savage.  If things have to end I want a decent conversation, I also want to be able to solve our common matters in a civil way. He still has tools here, and other important papers. 

That's the type of person I am. I don't end in conflicts not even when I am cheated on. My last ex that cheated on me in a relationship of 4 years we were able to leave amicably and I have been his right arm in his companies for 18 years now. I am also currently raising my deceased ex-husband daughter a daughter he had after me with another woman. I am simply not a woman that experience hate. 

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

What does HE need a week to calm down about? He's upset because you found out he's been cheating on you??

 

You can go in the cheating section and ask men how stressful it was when they got uncovered. 

[trident_2020]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I don't understand this power thing. I do not want to block him and end things like a savage.  If things have to end I want a decent conversation, I also want to be able to solve our common matters in a civil way. He still has tools here, and other important papers. 

That's the type of person I am. I don't end in conflicts not even when I am cheated on. My last ex that cheated on me in a relationship of 4 years we were able to leave amicably and I have been his right arm in his companies for 18 years now. I am also currently raising my deceased ex-husband daughter a daughter he had after me with another woman. I am simply not a woman that experience hate. 

Some people who are cheated on simply walk away from the person who deceived them and exposed them to a health risk. It doesn't have anything to do with hate, more like pride, and being secure enough to know that they deserve better and they don't owe the person as much as an explanation.

 

 

[trident_2020]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You can go in the cheating section and ask men how stressful it was when they got uncovered. 

Between the two of you, who do you think got the worse end of the deal?

[Ellener]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

You can go in the cheating section and ask men how stressful it was when they got uncovered. 

Never mind about his stress, which is all on him. 

How was your day? How are you doing? 

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, trident_2020 said:

Between the two of you, who do you think got the worse end of the deal?

There is no deal. There is no showing off my pride by blocking him. I am above that. I don't need to make grand gestures to convince myself of my worth, I know it deep down. The dog that barks the most in a pack is the lease confident one. 

[trident_2020]

Him taking a week to himself after his affairs were exposed is like a drunk driver who runs over a pedestrian and says to the judge "I can't come to court for a while I'm upset that I might lose my driver's license".

 

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, Ellener said:

How was your day? How are you doing? 

My day is ok, work is piling up around me. I get busy then I procrastinate, busy again. Surprisingly I don't cry at all, I have maybe cried 1 minute in the shower Sunday morning. Thank you for asking. ♥️

[Timshel]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

 I am simply not a woman that experience hate. 

Well look, now it's about hate. 🙄

Gaeta, I think you are correct that if you break off with this guy that there will be another abusive man behind him.  Your picker is off. I don't think that you are attracted to men who are solid stand up guys. Those type of men don't register for you.

If you want to address that, you know how. Talk to a professional. 

Reading your threads and posts over the years and understanding you Gaeta; I honestly don't know what to say about you letting this slide. I don't think it's you, who you are. 

If you were a person in my 'real' life I would come over, let you have a good talk/cry. Give you a glass of wine and a pm; while you were having a rest I'd tidy your house, make sure your kid did their homework, brushed their teeth and leave you with a roast you all could pick at for a few days.

On the internet, I will give you a virtual hug.

Whatever you decide to do, you are still Gaeta to me.

 

[salparadise]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Also example a few posters on here said it's impossible for him to 'love' me if he cheated, I would call that traditional thinking.

True. Traditional, simplistic, absolutist, absent nuance... life doesn't actually fit into the neat little boxes that people invent to organize complexity (sometimes referred to as heuristics). We create these modular hooks to replace the chaos and complexity of objective reality via symbology.  

Whenever I hear these gnomes (if he loved you he would/would not do xyz...) I just roll my eyes and dismiss. They're usually making it up on the fly based on a feeling, or one of the heuristic symbols they've come to rely on. LS is full of this stuff. The truth is, people hurt those they love all the time. You're getting a lot of advice encouraging you to have zero tolerance, to kick him to the curb and be very angry. I'm encouraged that you're not buying into the simplistic, knee-jerk, reactionary stuff. I wish you peace as soon as it's possible;

[Allupinnit]

1 hour ago, trident_2020 said:

What does HE need a week to calm down about? He's upset because you found out he's been cheating on you??

 

So when important women in his life raise issues with him (his ex, his daughter) he puts them in a time-out til they "calm down."  

@Gaetahas he done this with you before?  Ignoring you until you can get your attitude straight and talk to him the way he wants?  In my opinion your reaction was totally normal.  For him to dismiss you and your feelings like that is just... I dunno girl.  Now you have to wait and stew and worry until this weekend (???) He knows that by then you'll be so anxious that he'll be able to talk his way out of this.  He knows how to get what he wants with women, I'll give him that.  

He should be groveling on your doorstep accepting whatever wrath you have to dish out.  If he was sorry, that is.

[Gaeta]

12 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

 

has he done this with you before?

No, never.

[Gaeta]

16 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

So when important women in his life raise issues with him (his ex, his daughter) he puts them in a time-out til they "calm down."  

@Gaetahas he done this with you before?  Ignoring you until you can get your attitude straight and talk to him the way he wants?  In my opinion your reaction was totally normal.  For him to dismiss you and your feelings like that is just... I dunno girl.  Now you have to wait and stew and worry until this weekend (???) He knows that by then you'll be so anxious that he'll be able to talk his way out of this.  He knows how to get what he wants with women, I'll give him that.  

He should be groveling on your doorstep accepting whatever wrath you have to dish out.  If he was sorry, that is.

Actually it could be the contrary. Giving me a week could allow me to think long and hard and realize I am better without him. It can go both ways. 

[Allupinnit]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

trident_2020: but I didn't want a week. I was not in a state of mind to analyze the situation and come to a smart offer like let's speak in a week. 

Gently, this is what HE told you so that he didn't have to deal with your hysterics and the fallout of his actions.

[Cookiesandough]

I agree with Allu. I feel like he should begging you for your forgiveness rn and taking whatever you lash out at him in repentance. Quite strange he’s MIA. That’s just me though 

It’s hard for me to hear this happen. I have a close friend who has gone through the exact same thing recently. Like you, I think she pushes her needs/desires down a lot and has been very forgiving. She tries to see past it, but it affects her. I hate the guy so much. 
 

She has also told me she doesn’t think she can do better than him and it just makes me sad, because I know it’s not true. Lots of good men out there. 
 

Edited November 24, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes