Betrayed, again

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I agree with Allu. I feel like he should begging you for your forgiveness rn and taking whatever you lash out at him in repentance. Quite strange he’s MIA. That’s just me though 

 

And if he did you'd all find something negative to say about it like he's gaslighting, it's manipulation, crocodile tears etc.

[Allupinnit]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

And if he did you'd all find something negative to say about it like he's gaslighting, it's manipulation, crocodile tears etc.

Maybe.  But at least he'd appear remorseful.

[trident_2020]

9 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

And if he did you'd all find something negative to say about it like he's gaslighting, it's manipulation, crocodile tears etc.

Still would be better than the passive aggression silent treatment.

 

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

No, never.

In five years he's never needed lone time at his after a conflict?  

I believe you but find that odd.  Even in healthy relationships there are times when one or both need to chill after a conflict. 

But this is not any ordinary conflict G.  Jmo, but I think the distance is going to work against you here.  After a crisis as huge as this, this is precisely the time to talk, scream, yell, whatever you need to do.  Not create more distance by going NC for a week.  And for him, ignoring your message.   

My spidey senses tell me he is not using this time to calm down and think things through. 

99.9% chance he is skulking other women on apps, even as we speak.  That's how he deals. 

I'm sorry, but that is what my gut is telling me.  I truly hope I'm wrong.  

Edited November 25, 2020 by poppyfields

[Happy Lemming]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

 He still has tools here, and other important papers.

Do you want to box up his stuff or leave it be??

[Alpacalia]

If I read correctly your partner slept with 5 women in one month's time?

That doesn't seem like a momentary lapse in judgement or a moment of weakness. That sounds like someone (and pardon my judgement) that is deeply broken with poor coping skills.

Sorry this happened and good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[Gaeta]

9 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

In five years he's never needed lone time at his after a conflict?  

I believe you but find that odd.  Even in healthy relationships there are times when one or both need to chill after a conflict. 

In 5 years we may have had 2-3 conflicts, nothing big like right now. He would head to his place for one night. He would tell me he needed time alone. I did not need to call him. I don't remember him not picking up on purpose.

It doesn't matter what he does now and l'm not sitting here imagining things.  We may never speak again. I'm letting life unfold.

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

If I read correctly your partner slept with 5 women in one month's time?

That doesn't seem like a momentary lapse in judgement or a moment of weakness. That sounds like someone (and pardon my judgement) that is deeply broken with poor coping skills.

Sorry this happened and good luck with whatever you decide to do.

I was in crisis when l wrote this it's 3 confirmed. It does not make it better l agree.

Yes he has poor coping skills. I've know for a few years now after a few life incidents. I've seen him sink into the deep end losing the will to live. 

[poppyfields]

24 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

It doesn't matter what he does now and l'm not sitting here imagining things.  We may never speak again. I'm letting life unfold.

And I wholeheartedly support you in that endeavor! And I know you will do what's best for you and your beautiful family. 

You sound strong. Stay strong.   👍

 

Edited November 25, 2020 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

Do you want to box up his stuff or leave it be??

It's too heavy for me, he will get them eventually. He can drop by when l'm not there, my teen can let him in, she has online school during covid.

[Acacia98]

7 hours ago, Timshel said:

Well look, now it's about hate. 🙄

Gaeta, I think you are correct that if you break off with this guy that there will be another abusive man behind him.  Your picker is off. I don't think that you are attracted to men who are solid stand up guys. Those type of men don't register for you.

If you want to address that, you know how. Talk to a professional. 

Reading your threads and posts over the years and understanding you Gaeta; I honestly don't know what to say about you letting this slide. I don't think it's you, who you are. 

It can be about hate sometimes. But not always. We have different ways of tying up the loose ends of our dying relationships and moving on. I like to end things amicably before deleting/blocking if the person was mostly decent to me. Someone else (e g. Gaeta) may want to transition into a proper friendship or something. Neither approach is necessarily bad. It comes down to doing what's right and healthy for you.

As for the other stuff, I think Gaeta will get there eventually. Sometimes it takes time for one's heart to catch up with what one's mind knows. Unfortunately, folks on forums sometimes want instant results. But the OP has to go through the process of changing their beliefs and perceptions and understanding. And you can't just flip a light switch to do that. The problem with acting under outside pressure when one's heart isn't there yet, is that it's easy to run back into the cheater's arms for the wrong reasons and become his/her number one defender. It's often better (I think) to process stuff at your own pace.

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I was in crisis when l wrote this it's 3 confirmed. It does not make it better l agree.

No, it doesn’t make it better. During a pandemic, he was having sex with multiple other women and exposing you unknowingly to covid and stds. 

I’m sorry this has happened to you Gaeta. 

[contel3]

Hi gaeta...first of all, I'm really sorry. Its must be really hard.

After reading most of the thread, I think it might be a bit early to start thinking about an open relationship or turning a blind eye. You must feel very shocked and hurt right now....do you want to stay with him? And if you do, how are you going to work through all the hurt? Do you think you can trust him again?

Dont put pressure on yourself to find a quick solution. Take care of yourself, grieve. Ask the questions you need to ask. And remember you can always change your mind. 

   

 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Gaeta said:

It's too heavy for me, he will get them eventually. He can drop by when l'm not there, my teen can let him in, she has online school during covid.

Why make it your child's responsibility?

Have you/he even decided to end it?

[Gaeta]

49 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why make it your child's responsibility?

Have you/he even decided to end it?

Unlocking the door isn't a responsability. My teen is not aware of what happenned. 

Nothing is decided we have not spoken.

[Gaeta]

My teen has a new love interest.

She talks about him allll the time. She's full in puppy love, she would not notice a bulldozer digging in our front yard. 

[introverted1]

58 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

My teen has a new love interest.

She talks about him allll the time. She's full in puppy love, she would not notice a bulldozer digging in our front yard. 

Ah Gaeta, you still have your perfect turn of phrase.

I hope today is a better day for you.  ❤️

[poppyfields]

8 hours ago, BaileyB said:

No, it doesn’t make it better. During a pandemic, he was having sex with multiple other women and exposing you unknowingly to covid and stds. 

Disagree with unknowingly.  Unless he's been living under a rock for the past 10 months, he quite "knowingly" exposed Gaeta to covid and stds.

That's the most egregious part of all this imo.  The cheating she (they) might be able to get past with counseling like her friend did, but knowingly exposing her and both her daughters to a disease that has the potential to kill?  

For me that would be  unforgivable.  Reckless endangerment, among other COAs in legal terms.  That's why I believe this might be a sexual addiction

In the US, I recall many many years ago a couple of cases where a man who was HIV positive was having sexual relations with various women not advising them prior, and was arrested and brought to trial on attempted murder. 

If any of those women had contracted the virus and died, he would have been charged with 2nd degree murder.  

I am not making this up, it happened and there was quite a bit of controversy about it.

After being evaluated by a doctor, the man was deemed a  very dangerous sociopath.  Scary.

 

Edited November 25, 2020 by poppyfields

[Fletch Lives]

Oh I'm so sorry.

It sounds like a revenge cheat because of the lack of intimacy. Still, there are better guys out there who would not have handled it that way.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Disagree with unknowingly.  Unless he's been living under a rock for the past 10 months, he quite "knowingly" exposed Gaeta to covid and stds.

That's the most egregious part of all this imo.  The cheating she (they) might be able to get past with counseling like her friend did, but knowingly exposing her and both her daughters to a disease that has the potential to kill?  For me that would be  unforgivable.  Reckless endangerment

Sorry, I meant exposing Gaeta with her consent - SHE did not know that he was placing her at risk. 

HE knew the risk, and still made the decision to cheat exposing not just Gaeta, but multiple women, during a pandemic. 

I agree with you poppy. He could take all the time he wanted, there would be no discussion. I would never trust this man again...

Edited November 25, 2020 by BaileyB

[Gaeta]

4 hours ago, contel3 said:

Hi gaeta...first of all, I'm really sorry. Its must be really hard.

After reading most of the thread, I think it might be a bit early to start thinking about an open relationship or turning a blind eye. You must feel very shocked and hurt right now....do you want to stay with him? And if you do, how are you going to work through all the hurt? Do you think you can trust him again?

Dont put pressure on yourself to find a quick solution. Take care of yourself, grieve. Ask the questions you need to ask. And remember you can always change your mind. 

   

 

Thank you for your kind words. 

I don't know what I want. I will only know after we speak and I understand what was he situation, what's laying beneath, he said he was open to therapy was he honest when he said it, has he done that in all his relationships, was it something he started 6 weeks ago like he said, I have a lot of unanswered question.

The shock has passed. I am surprisingly doing good under the circumstances. Maybe it will hit me later. It may shock some of you but I miss him, his presence, his laugher, his little elvis presley dance to make us laugh. There is a lot of shared moments in 5 years. My head seems to be thinking mostly of those moments than thinking of the betrayal. 

Edited November 25, 2020 by Gaeta

[peach302]

20 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I still have the choice to say no if he comes back.

You don't seem like you want to say no though.

I get that 5 years is a long time and you've invested a lot. But now you know about the cheating..can you get past it?

Wouldn't it be better to consider other options  which don't  include him? Overall for your mental wellbeing. 

Edited November 25, 2020 by peach302

[poppyfields]

27 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Thank you for your kind words. 

I don't know what I want. I will only know after we speak and I understand what was he situation, what's laying beneath, he said he was open to therapy was he honest when he said it, has he done that in all his relationships, was it something he started 6 weeks ago like he said, I have a lot of unanswered question.

The shock has passed. I am surprisingly doing good under the circumstances. Maybe it will hit me later. It may shock some of you but I miss him, his presence, his laugher, his little elvis presley dance to make us laugh. There is a lot of shared moments in 5 years. My head seems to be thinking mostly of those moments than thinking of the betrayal. 

Gaeta I don't claim to have all the answers but how you're feeling is pretty typical in my experience. 

From what I understand about it (I went through it too), it's a coping mechanism, a way to avoid feeling the pain of the betrayal and all the other negative emotions associated with his actions.  

It's a form of denial.  

I think it will hit you later.   I have no advice as to how to emotionally prepare yourself for it.

I had a bit of a breakdown, but hopefully you are stronger than I was. xoxo

Edited November 25, 2020 by poppyfields

[peach302]

6 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Gaeta I don't claim to have all the answers but how you're feeling is pretty typical in my experience. 

From what I understand about it (I went through it too), it's a coping mechanism, a way to avoid feeling the pain of the betrayal and all the other negative emotions associated with his actions.  

It's a form of denial.  

I think it will hit you later.   I have no advice as to how to emotionally prepare yourself for it.

I had a bit of a breakdown, but hopefully you are stronger than I was. xoxo

This is why i say its better to distance herself from the man instead of trying to resolve a situation which in my  view shouldn't/cannot be resolved.

Edited November 25, 2020 by peach302

[poppyfields]

23 minutes ago, peach302 said:

This is why i say its better to distance herself from the man instead of trying to resolve a situation which in my  view shouldn't/cannot be resolved.

Agree.   For me, after the shyt finally hit the fan and we'd talked it out, I moved out immediately thereafter. 

Changed my phone number to unlisted, blocked him on socials,  I allowed him no access to me whatsoever.

And I still did exactly what Gaeta is doing now, to cope. Until I didn't. 

What I've learned since Gaeta is to allow yourself to feel all the various conflicting emotions you will undoubtedly feel, some of which will be extremely painful.

Try to not shove painful emotions down.  They will still be there, lingering inside and can do damage on your emotional psyche if not addressed.  

Edited November 25, 2020 by poppyfields