Betrayed, again

[Gaeta]

Only Don Lemon can make me forget my problems for a moment and he's on in 10 mins 🙂 thank you all for the time and energy you've invested in my thread.

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

I'm sorry this thread is exhausting at times so l don't fully understand your question. Yes it's a big betrayal he made me beleive we were in a monogamous relationship.

And how important is that betrayal to you?  What are your core values. Forget him. Forget what he did. What’s important to you. Would you ever (or have you ever) do what he’s done? Why? Why not? What are your core values?

[Gaeta]

These questions are difficult because what l am going through is shaking everything l beleived in, l'm questioning maybe l'm beleiving in the wrong things. Like someone religious discovering there is no god.

I'm reading monogamy is on the decline, close friends are in open relationships, polyamory is everywhere, monogamish is bringning couples closer. 

I'm not only questionning this concerning my bf but also if i'm single now, what do l want next.  It's my 3rd relationship with men enjoying random sex  l'm tired of fighting this battle. What they say? If you can't beat them, join them.

[LivingWaterPlease]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I'm not only questionning this concerning my bf but also if i'm single now, what do l want next.  It's my 3rd relationship with men enjoying random sex  l'm tired of fighting this battle. What they say? If you can't beat them, join them.

Or rise above them! 🙂 Not that you've sunk below! Just time to consider and maybe reconsider what you believe in. On what do you determine your beliefs? Is there something outside of yourself you turn to as a standard? An immovable guide? Or do you mostly just try to be what is known as a "good person?" This is something to think about.  And you have time to do it. I hope you're planning to take some time out to relax in whatever way best suits you. Trying to recall if you live in the USA? If so, have at least a restful, if not happy, Thanksgiving! There will be many checking in on you from time-to-time I can imagine, as time permits. 🤗

[Ruby Slippers]

15 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I'm reading monogamy is on the decline, close friends are in open relationships, polyamory is everywhere, monogamish is bringning couples closer. 

I'm not only questionning this concerning my bf but also if i'm single now, what do l want next.  It's my 3rd relationship with men enjoying random sex  l'm tired of fighting this battle. What they say? If you can't beat them, join them.

I've had my issues in relationships, but cheating hasn't been one of them. Though hookup culture is the norm, I avoid whatever doesn't align with my values around loyalty and ethics. 

It means the pool is smaller, but higher quality. I'm good with that.

Do you have any guess as to why you keep attracting unfaithful men? It's not always the case. I think you can get beyond that pattern if you want to. 

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Do you have any guess as to why you keep attracting unfaithful men? It's not always the case. I think you can get beyond that pattern if you want to. 

My daughter said it's cause l have a trusting and kind nature.  

[Jen_tully]

Gaeta I had two long term relationships that had cheating occur and it has taken me years to see the truth of why I was in those relationships. I believe if you choose to pursue therapy it will be very beneficial for you   I’ve done therapy over the years but finally I have committed to myself to keep at it. 

I’m single now and have been for almost five years....and maybe I will remain single for all my remaining days! It’s taken me almost 5 years to get to that feeling of being perfectly fine with that result...heck it’s probably more like 30 years. So I think therapy is an excellent investment in yourself. I know you have been part of this community for a very long time and people care but I see a lot of boundaries being crossed by people. In your responses I do see someone who knows what their boundaries are and your holding strong on that line. You are going through the grieving process for what you thought your relationship was and you are readjusting your thoughts and feelings right now. You probably will go back and forth many times and that is ok.  None of this will resolve in a week...and that’s ok. In the end this is your life to lead
 

[Gaeta]

My bf comes from a culture where men step out even while in happy relationships. Statistics shows 70% carribean men will cheat  at least once and it's tolerated by women at 58%. I just found a study done by France.

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

I'm not only questionning this concerning my bf but also if i'm single now, what do l want next.  It's my 3rd relationship with men enjoying random sex  l'm tired of fighting this battle. What they say? If you can't beat them, join them.

Maybe? There is no right or wrong here. Just your core values. What are they?

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Maybe? There is no right or wrong here. Just your core values. What are they?

The same has everybody: honesty, integrity, fairness, reliability, kindness, forgiveness

[Weezy1973]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

The same has everybody: honesty, integrity, fairness, reliability, kindness, forgiveness

Not the same as everybody. 
 

But let those values be your North Star. Did he forgive you for not wanting sex? Or when other things became more important? Do you share the same values? 

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Not the same as everybody. 
 

But let those values be your North Star. Did he forgive you for not wanting sex? Or when other things became more important? Do you share the same values? 

He told me he understood my menopause was hard and he will be patient then Saturday he accused me of abandonning him and putting him last so l guess it means he is resentful and has not reached forgiveness yet.  Yes we do have the same values on a lot of things. 

Edited November 26, 2020 by Gaeta

[LivingWaterPlease]

15 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

 Yes we do have the same values on a lot of things. 

I've noticed that as I've grown over the years the men I'm attracted to are not the same types I used to be attracted to.  I guess that's why therapy is suggested. When you grow as a person your tastes and choices change.

You seem great to all of us, Gaeta! But, it may be that there are some areas you, like the rest of us, are going to benefit from growing in so that the traits of the men you're ending up with will stand out to you in the early stages of getting to know them as being undesirable traits. You may not be noticing little red flags that will be glaring after you have done some work on yourself in therapy. I don't know.

It's not so much what kind of man do we, as women, attract. It's more, "What kind of man do we find attractive?"

 

[Acacia98]

4 hours ago, SarahWins said:

4) him having a mental block is not that uncommon, it's  a sign of avoidant personality. Can you handle this as is? It's just who he is, I don't think that's 'playing'

I think I agree with the sentiment that he has avoidant tendencies. My sense has been that he must have had a very difficult childhood and didn't learn the healthiest coping skills in the world (to be honest with you, he sounds like some guys I know--thats where some of my guesses are coming from). So he has difficulty dealing with conflict and other kinds of problems. Even the cheating... It sounds like, at least to some extent, he may do it to soothe his bruised ego and to deal with perceived rejection and emasculation.

The thing about him needing time before they talk doesn't have to come from a malevolent place. It really could just be who he is. But it is still potentially a problem. It can still harm the other person. For instance, one day Gaeta (or his daughter or whoever) may be experiencing a crisis and may need to be able to talk to him right there and then and he will not available for the next one week or few days. Sometimes that happens. You need to understand what's happening right now or you need to be reassured right now. And in the absence of that, maybe you feel abandoned. It's the sort of thing that can make one end a relationship in their partner's absence.

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

My bf comes from a culture where men step out even while in happy relationships. Statistics shows 70% carribean men will cheat  at least once and it's tolerated by women at 58%. I just found a study done by France.

I come from a similar culture and my male relatives as well as guys I have dated have been known to pull remarkably similar stunts and say similar things to the ones you mention. Sometimes I can even guess correctly what's gonna happen next when you describe a situation you're in with your boyfriend. 

Take it from me, saying "It's our culture" is one surprisingly effective way of avoiding examining our behavior and understanding why it has developed and what impacts it has on us and the people we love.

[Libby1]

6 hours ago, Gaeta said:

It's more like some people here reject what l say. I say he has problems dealing with stress, it's a fact, and instead of considering this information they turn it into me defending him.

Some of you are like vultures, more l bleed more you pick at me.

My heart goes out to you.  I remember talking to a friend from here about the incident which first led me to this site.  She said "if only you'd known about Loveshack when all that was going on."  Well, no.  It was a useful resource to have further down the line when the intense, emotional crisis stage had passed and I was more ready for reflection, challenging myself etc.  But when you've just had a knock like this, are reeling from it and are very vulnerable, it's probably not the time for full on analysis, identifying core beliefs, challenging your own thinking etc.  That's generally something  best reserved for a calmer time.  Ideally in a safe setting with a trained counsellor (though good counselling can be hard to come by unfortunately).

And absolutely.  As tempting as it is for the rest of us to lay into your partner for cheating on you, it's likely to create a situation where you feel like you're having to defend him purely in the interests of being fair and presenting both sides.  As far as people turning into vultures and picking on you goes, my sense of this thread is that you're a well liked poster on Loveshack - and that the people on this thread are genuinely concerned for you.  However, in any situation where we're particularly vulnerable there's that risk that people's concern will start to take an overly assertive or directive turn that can begin to feel a bit overwhelming or oppressive to the person who's reaching out for help.  Especially on a well subscribed thread like this one is.  I would emphasise, though, that as soon as I started reading this thread the overwhelming thing that struck me was just how much the people posting on here evidently like and care about you.

The last thing I wanted to mention was your niece (I think you said she's your niece?)  I'm assuming she's aware of the situation.  Maybe a good route to proper self care here, during this emotional crisis, is to think about giving her a healthy model for managing a situation like this.  She'll be watching you to get a sense of how women handle things like this, and that's an opportunity for you to show her how to take care of yourself in the days following a stressful, upsetting event.  It doesn't need to be about being some perfect, strong superwoman.  Just focusing less on trying to reach some sort of life changing decision in the middle of a crisis and more about good self care.  Pampering baths, maybe going out with your niece and doing something fun that you haven't done before this weekend (not easy, I know, when so many things are closed due to Covid). 

[elaine567]

5 hours ago, Gaeta said:

My bf comes from a culture where men step out even while in happy relationships. Statistics shows 70% carribean men will cheat  at least once and it's tolerated by women at 58%. I just found a study done by France.

You were single for a long time, you spent a long time dating and filtering out unsuitable men, so why did this ^^^ never enter your consciousness?
Culture plays a big part in the opinions and behaviour of us all.
Did you really think a man steeped in a tradition of "Men cheat and women just need to put up with it"  was ever going to subscribe to monogamy?
Why, having just gone through the horrors of being cheated on, did you then fall straight into the arms of another likely cheat?
Were you tempting Fate or did you just set yourself up to fail?
Now you are twisting yourself into a pretzel to accept this guy who has loose morals and who has a very unhealthy way of dealing with issues.
Stonewalling and a "talk to the hand" attitude only works with you as you are a soft touch and he knows it...

An acquaintance of mine was a popular girl who cheated on every man she dated.
She apparently couldn't say no to any suitable guy who showed interest and she broke many hearts.
 I met her later on and she was married. 
We ended up talking about her "wild ways" and she said she has never cheated on her now husband.
 I asked why? and she said "Because I know he would never let me get away with it."

I  think some  or even many cheat on people they know or suspect "will let them get away with it..."
Gaeta's bf knew or suspected Gaeta is so besotted she will accept it, so he cheated with impunity.
Now he is using the stonewalling tactic to drive home his right to cheat on her... 

[Stret]

Gaeta,

The ultimate and the only question that you need to answer for yourself is can you be happy with him again? Can you trust him again? You know yourself and what you can and cannot do. If you would never be able to trust him again, it is a recipe for anxiety and unhappiness. 

I haven't read the thread but do you even know the extent of what he did and for how long? If you decide to go back, do not go back to him easily. Put him through hell. 

Good luck and look after yourself. X 

[schlumpy]

36 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I  think some  or even many cheat on people they know or suspect "will let them get away with it..."
 

I think you are spot on with that observation. It's something I've noticed in many threads. Human beings are unlikely to change their behavior unless there are consequences. 

[Fletch Lives]

On 11/23/2020 at 11:38 AM, elaine567 said:

I personally believe he is a "professional" cheater... and this is probably in his make up, it is just who he is.
He may have been brought up to think men cheat and women turn a blind eye...

 - It very well could be that he lacks integrity and is simply the cheating type. 5 women since October is a lot. 

 

Quote

...but the big issue in their recent relationship IMO was the "adoption" of the child. 
Which Gaeta never discussed with him as according to her, he had no say in it, as if he was the lodger or the handyman...
After four years and practically living there he had no say?
I guess that stung...

Well, a lot of people, particularly women, want kids. So, I think this is to be expected if you enter a relationship. It comes with the territory.

[elaine567]

13 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

Well, a lot of people, particularly women, want kids. So, I think this is to be expected if you enter a relationship. It comes with the territory

Not usually when both are in their fifties...
The child is the progeny of Gaeta's ex and is her own child's half sister.

[Fletch Lives]

21 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Not usually when both are in their fifties...
The child is the progeny of Gaeta's ex and is her own child's half sister.

Maybe. But isn't 50 the new 40?!

[Gaeta]

6 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

 "What kind of man do we find attractive?"

 

In my 3 years of dating I had no problems landing dates, lots of dates. I had a weakness for hotties, younger hot guy, bodybuilders, men with an edge, etc. I was told 100 times on here to change my ways and aim at more regular men. I did. I told my story often here, after meeting bf for the first time I did not feel enough attraction for a second one but, because my usual taste in men didn't work, I made myself go on a 2nd date, a 3rd and he soon won me over. It was a slow developing relationship, he told me his first ILY heading on 5 months dating. So no, he was not the usual bad boy, love bombing type. He was just a regular joe blow. 

[balletomane]

@Gaeta, I can understand your frustration with the idea that cheating makes a relationship unsalvageable, and that this man must secretly have been a terrible person all along. Life isn't sharply divided into good people and terrible people. We all have capacity to be both, and the same individual could make a loving choice and a deeply hurtful choice within the space of a week. You obviously have a lot of genuinely good memories of this man and it's adding to your pain to feel like these are being trashed.

However, you yourself are being quite black and white here. It's especially obvious in your recent posts about the women he cheated on you with. Early in the thread you wrote that two of them have had painful lives and that "he charmed them by listening to their sad stories". You called them "desperate". Later you said that they are the ones responsible for putting themselves at risk of STDs and Covid. You minimised the dangers of STDs ("It's herpes, not cancer"). And as you were doing this, you've downplayed your boyfriend's choices - he's stressed, it's a fact he can't cope with stress well, etc. Don't you see that those women could easily say the same thing about their vulnerabilities? That they're out looking for dates in a pandemic because they're stressed and they can't cope, and they need affection and attention?  You aren't cutting them any slack in this. Yet you're cutting plenty for your boyfriend. This makes sense in a way - you've been with him for five years, so of course you're going to be more invested in him than in them. But don't you see how rigid and black-and-white it is for you to expect LSers to accept that he is "mentally incapable" (your words) of facing up to what he's done, while insisting that the women in this situation hold full responsibility for what they did? You expect more of them than you do of him.

Perhaps it would be helpful to shift the question, so it is no longer, "Is he a good guy or a bad guy?" but, "Is he good for you?" The boyfriend I had before my current partner treated me pretty shabbily, but for a long time I attributed it all to his illness (he had bipolar disorder) and would get quite defensive if people criticised how he had acted towards me. One of our mutual friends said he'd been selfish to me, and I was angry with her for saying that. I decided she just didn't understand his problems the way I did. But her words stuck in my mind, partly because a.) she and her husband have been close to him for years and b.) she's not the type to be unfair. Eventually it dawned on me that it didn't matter if he'd been selfish on purpose or not, or if it had all been down to his poor coping strategies - the impact on me was still the same. I think it's the same here. Rather than thinking about why he does what he does, look at the impact on you.

 

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

 

Edited November 26, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted post

[Interstellar]

when Angelina caught Brad cheating she immediately went into extreme militant mode and cut him off. A quick beheading so to speak,  he cheated with his costar on that allied movie and there was even drugs involved. (the cast went out partying and one thing led to another). So yes, that’s naturally what most women would do. brad begged to give him another chance and admitted he screwed up for months and months then eventually he got sick of chasing then Angelina did an about face. she probably realized that she could live with having at the most 80-85% interest level on Brad and the kids missed their dad. obviously, it will never go up to the high 90’s because the trust is gone.

it’s gonna suck for you and also him if you take him back. because you’ll take every opportunity to rub it in his face and he’ll walk on eggshells for the rest of his life. and you’ll fight all the time. you will both be miserable. that’s gonna suck. and for the next 30+ years. ugh. sorry this had to happen to you, I remember you’re the one who went on 100 coffee dates?  to find the one. I have tons of respect for any one who would go through that. I’m praying you find peace, and you will.

Edited November 26, 2020 by Interstellar