Betrayed, again

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, hippychick3 said:

His decision to not continue is a blessing in disguise for you.

He sent me another message and saying he loves me, he'll love me always even if I hate him now. Everything is in the hands of God and with prayers God will lead us through this. I know him, when he starts getting God involved it's because he spiralling down in his dark place. No need to say it's not my problem anymore. I'm not playing shrink, nurse, or friend. 

I replied he needs to seek a therapist to speak about his demons. It may be an addiction, could be validation, depression, It's clear what he's doing is not bringing him happiness. 

End of message. 

I can pin point when he did it, and when he had phases he didn't do it. I'm not a therapist but I know if we got back together he would do it again in a short while. I also know he is not able to provide what I would need to gain minimal trust. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

8 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I am very lucky to be part of this close knitted family and have colleagues of 18+ years together who really care. And of course all of you, I feel your sincere sentiments.

On a lighter note my daughter said : so mom how does it feel to know your entire family speaks of your sex life now. Silly kid 🙂

I belong in the coping section now.

 

 

You are incredibly lucky to have a close-knit family, Gaeta! I envy you the luxury of loving siblings! And great that you have 18+ years of colleagues who really care! You're going to do very well as you move on!

Lol, about your daughter's comment!

We'll see you in coping when/if you decide to post there! But, of course, will be supporting you on this thread as long as you post here, too!

🤗🤗🤗

Edited December 8, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease

[SarahWins]

On 12/7/2020 at 7:48 PM, Gaeta said:

It is over.

The week break turned into 2 weeks break,  he didn't return my texts or calls so I packed all his things that were still here and I dropped them in his apartment. 

That's just a sick behavior. Can't believe he acted like such a jerk. After cheating it is.

Glad you have support. You deserve better.

[d0nnivain]

OMG @Gaeta

I'm sorry I'm so late in expressing my condolences.  5x?  That is inexcusable.  It's not a drunken kiss.  

Glad you got his stuff off to him.  Stay strong.  Hugs & prayers.  

[Gaeta]

It's been 2 pretty difficult days. Reality is sinking in. He's gone. I have not seen him in almost 3 weeks so the withdrawal is starting. I wish I had bad memories to go back to. Most couples separating had fights, disagreements, compatibility problems, addictions, name it! We had nothing of that. Very few people know what to say to me. Most think because it's a big betrayal my feelings for him are gonna die automatically. 

 

[Weezy1973]

You’re grieving the loss of the relationship and the loss of him as well. It’s like a death. One minute he’s an integral part of your life, the next minute he’s gone. Feelings don’t just turn off. Grieving is a process and you just have to let it take its course.

 

But look in a calendar. Put a little star on June 11, 2021. That’s six months from now. You’ll feel much better by then. Maybe even ready to date again. But in the meantime, allow yourself to grieve.

[Gaeta]

I'm feeling better since yesterday. I spent 7 days crying mornings and nights and Saturday (yesterday) morning I woke up more positive. I'm sad but it's not overwhelming me. Now I feel life will go on and when I'm ready, after the covid, I will get back to dating. For a couple of years him and I had been talking of buying a house together. The plan was when my teen girl is out of high school and in college with her driving license, which is in 18 months, then we would buy a house outside of town. It's a blessing in disguise that I've discovered his cheating before selling my property and investing in a house with him. Break ups that involve selling a house and moving out are in a different category of pain. 

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

On 12/11/2020 at 7:45 AM, Weezy1973 said:

But look in a calendar. Put a little star on June 11, 2021. That’s six months from now. You’ll feel much better by then.

This a so true! After my marriage failed a few months in I felt like I was doing ok but not until around the 6 month mark did the tension in my body - to which I had become accustomed - release. It was a remarkable thing. 

[poppyfields]

On 12/10/2020 at 1:10 PM, SarahWins said:

That's just a sick behavior. Can't believe he acted like such a jerk. After cheating it is.

I actually think he IS sick.  Some sort of addiction, which does not make it okay, but makes it forgivable.  NOT to be confused with forgettable. 

Forgiveness is powerful.   And it's mostly for ourselves, so we can heal and move on with an open heart. Versus living our lives with distrust and bitterness.  

We should never forget.  Remembering the pain and betrayal allows us to never even consider getting back with the person who wronged us, hurt us.  Even if/when or after they get help and sort themselves out.

When I experienced betrayal in a previous relationship, it took me a long time to learn the difference between forgive and forget.

I learned how to forgive, for me, which enabled me to move on, be happy and at peace.  And eventually open my heart to another man.  I will however never forget.  

Gaeta, from everything you have posted, your boyfriend loved you, I have no doubt he still does. 

But imo he has a sickness of sorts, and hope he seeks help.  

You can forgive, but never forget.  For YOU.  I know there are lots of opinions about it, and that is mine, based on personal experience.

I am so happy you are feeling better. 👍

Edited December 13, 2020 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

Any of you have a good book to suggest?

I was thinking the book *women who love too much* but I don't think it's for me. I am not addicted to moody men, alcoholics, abusers, emotionaly unavailable. 

I need a book to gain back faith in men. Right now (to me) they're all liars, opportunists and cheaters. 

 

 

Edited December 18, 2020 by Gaeta

[FMW]

I read that one, but it didn't really resonate with me either.  Do a lot of googling key words about the specific feelings you're having right now and you'll surely find some helpful reading along the way.  You might just have to take bits and pieces from different places.  Subscribe (just temporarily maybe) to Kindle Unlimited and for $10 a month you can read a lot of different offerings for that little bit of money.  You don't have to have a Kindle, you can just download a free app on your computer or phone.    

Make sure to include some reading about building up your own confidence and happiness on your own.  That can help reveal some interesting things about yourself that might help you understand any patterns you might have that have led to the bad experiences.  The more I've focused on those kind of self improvements the more positive I feel about everything - including men!  When you have full faith in yourself (including your selection criteria/process for dating and boundaries) it's easier to have faith in others.  

 

[Miss Spider]

 

This one has really good reviews

https://www.amazon.com/Leave-Cheater-Gain-Life-Survival/dp/0762458968

Edited December 19, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Scarlet Ohara]

On 12/10/2020 at 4:07 PM, Gaeta said:

It's been 2 pretty difficult days. Reality is sinking in. He's gone. I have not seen him in almost 3 weeks so the withdrawal is starting. I wish I had bad memories to go back to. Most couples separating had fights, disagreements, compatibility problems, addictions, name it! We had nothing of that. Very few people know what to say to me. Most think because it's a big betrayal my feelings for him are gonna die automatically. 

 

Dear Gaeta... I am going through the same heartbreak days before Christmas.  Last year he bought me a diamond right (which I gave back because it cost too much - STUPID ME).  My bf is 65 and his red flags started early (need to talk to women in private chat-Messenger).  We fought and went back together.  Then if we broke up for 2 days, he was immediately on Dating Sites(left his laptop at my home-making arrangements and messaged several women to trade sex info/whatever that means).  3 years into relationship, he tells me he wants to go online to find mutual masturbation with males.  Honestly, you can't make this up.  He swore it would e only computer stimulation.  1 week  later I went on American Bisexuals and he was trolling for male hookups.  His face was showing as well as his private parts. Needless to say by that time (another serious red flag) I was angry, confused but still in love. (Dumb me).  He told me that he always has had bisexual activity in his life and enjoys occasional sex with me.  He begged me to forgive him and he would get off the site.  Needless to say, things were not well.  We went back and forth however, each time it gets harder and harder to bond... sex is never the same and there is always a safety precaution.  He still professed to love me up until 3 weeks ago where he promised on his dead mother, father, brothers' graves to never cheat on me.  The same day, 4 hours later, I found a woman with him drinking wine in his home.  The police were called by the other woman (911) because I asked her a civil question.  Surrounded by police, I was finally allowed to go home.  He went dark, no morning texts.. he was distancing.  I texted, phoned, he wouldn't pick up... I screamed, cried, begged... because I am in therapy and have abandonment issues.  He said "we should date other people and I don't want a one-on one but you will see me... like HE was a big prize.  We had one more date but it was horrid... screaming, yelling, he threatened to throw me out of his car... calling me horrible names.  He moved on already, he left... he didn't love me any longer.  His words were "we can work on us... I still love you" but he was telling me what I wanted to hear.  It's over... it hurts like a death.  This final detachment was 3 days ago and I've blocked him everywhere and I have finally resolved to burn any chit he has in my home and mourn the death of our relationship.  It's over and there is no going back. Time is a healer. 

[Gaeta]

@Scarlet Ohara Thank you for sharing and I am sorry for all the pain he brought you. It's hard to stop loving someone. 

I go to bed early to sleep and not think but then I wake up in the middle of the night and lie awake and think for hours. I get up tired so I'm more sensitive to everything, it's a never ending cycle. 

[Scarlet Ohara]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

@Scarlet Ohara Thank you for sharing and I am sorry for all the pain he brought you. It's hard to stop loving someone. 

I go to bed early to sleep and not think but then I wake up in the middle of the night and lie awake and think for hours. I get up tired so I'm more sensitive to everything, it's a never ending cycle. 

Loving is a two way street... not a one way street.  I finally realized that I loved HIM more than he loved ME.  There was a disparity of attention and affection. When men or women want to leave... they  leave.  Sometimes relationships just die... the light goes out and it's time to bury them.  Today, I finally am at peace.  It took a while of begging, crying, getting the phone hung up 20 times in a row.  My X just wasn't the one for me.  I am at peace now and will love myself for a while.  @Gaeta I am sure you are a wonderful person.   Love yourself and your dear ones... Merry Christmas. 

[smackie9]

On 11/22/2020 at 3:53 AM, Gaeta said:

I have not slept at all. Aren't cheating men usually mean, argues, and are distant! Yesterday after breakfast he was observing me and said ' you're so beautiful' and went on about why he's a lucky man. Then before lunch I told him I had to drop by the store to pay the 2nd half of my new couch that's been delivered on Thursday. He said 'let me pay it', and I declined I said he had me save a ton of money already by doing my renovation I was gonna pay the couch. How can a man be this involved and devoted and at night sleeps with other women! 

Sorry this is late in the thread: This is how a serial cheater works. They hide their tracks very well, so none are the wiser of his activities, saying what you like to hear to throw you off the trail. It's planned/calculating/psychopathic....and him thinking if he said the right thing to you "I have a problem I will go to therapy" you would take him back. That shows any lack of empathy. Jeeezzus

So sorry you are going thought this. I totally get, menopause makes you feel like an alien. It's very unsettling, and feels like your life and who you were, how you felt is taken away from you. It sucks and there is no man out there that could possibly ever understand what it feels like, ever.

Edited December 23, 2020 by smackie9

[Gaeta]

22 hours ago, smackie9 said:

 I totally get, menopause makes you feel like an alien. It's very unsettling, and feels like your life and who you were, how you felt is taken away from you. It sucks and there is no man out there that could possibly ever understand what it feels like, ever.

Thank you, you really found the right words to explain  how it makes us feel. I am better now, the hot flashes aren't as big and intense as they were, and they're just random here and there, but before it was hourly, day and n ight. I feel like it took away 2 years of my life. 

Other than that nothing to report. He has not tried to communicate with me and I am moving forward the best I can. We are in complete shut down here so I can only see my adult daughter once (tomorrow). I watch series and shop online. Spending money on myself seems to make me feel better. 

[Highndry]

On 11/21/2020 at 6:06 PM, Gaeta said:

Maybe he did and I was too much in my own thing to listen. He told me several times he missed making love, we had to do it more often, etc. Last night we were watching a movie and he pulled me toward him and whispered he needed my affection and he put my arm around him. 😞

There's no excuse for his cheating and lying, but not having sex for the past year, or very little, is going to drive away pretty much any man. We become miserable.

[basil67]

31 minutes ago, Highndry said:

There's no excuse for his cheating and lying, but not having sex for the past year, or very little, is going to drive away pretty much any man. We become miserable.

Makes me extraordinarily grateful that I have a man who understands that ageing can be very cruel.   Then again, he's always been the kind who only wants sex if both parties are aroused and enjoying it.  

[Highndry]

9 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Makes me extraordinarily grateful that I have a man who understands that ageing can be very cruel.   Then again, he's always been the kind who only wants sex if both parties are aroused and enjoying it.  

There's no such thing as a happy man in a sexless marriage.

[Miss Spider]

2 hours ago, Highndry said:

There's no such thing as a happy man in a sexless marriage.

While unfortunately I generally agree,  if you’re not happy and can’t deal, leave. They were not even married and most would agree that  it’s  wrong to betray 

Edited March 1, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Highndry said:

There's no such thing as a happy man in a sexless marriage.

Well that takes the cake for a broad generalisation.

In our case, my husband has his own age related sexual dysfunction issues and so has first hand experience of nature not being as kind as it used to be.  If anyone can relate to a woman who's sex drive has been decimated by menopause, it should be a man who's got his own problems having/desiring sex.  I'm patient with him and he's patient with me.  Why is mutual, loving support through age related changes so unimaginable to you?

 

Edited March 1, 2021 by basil67

[Gaeta]

6 hours ago, Highndry said:

There's no excuse for his cheating and lying, but not having sex for the past year, or very little, is going to drive away pretty much any man. We become miserable.

Let me tell you, it's been 3 months so my head is pretty clear now.   I offered him several times that we spend time at his place where we would be alone and he never initiated that. He preferred inviting other women to his place than to invite me. These women were more exciting than familiar Gaeta, familiar Gaeta was home cooking, making sure he had clean clothes and a clean bed to come to, she doesn't require to be won over anymore.  He didn't cheat because he was miserable, he cheated because he was a cheater. It's not like I caught him having sex with one woman, he had multiple women and a new one each weekend. He liked chasing them, lying to them, playing the shy guy who needs a connection to have sex and doesn't believe in casual sex (yep he played that one on me too).  His ex-wife warned me he had several women, always had,  and that was 2-3 years into our relationship, not at the end.  I didn't listen, that's on me. 

[d0nnivain]

Glad to see the clarity coming through.  You are a strong amazing person.  Hang in there!

[Highndry]

6 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

While unfortunately I generally agree,  if you’re not happy and can’t deal, leave. They were not even married and most would agree that  it’s  wrong to betray 

Yes, and I said as much, too. What he did was wrong, and she should indeed dump him for it.