Betrayed, again

[Miss Spider]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

I think he did.

About 2 years ago his ex-wife called me super mad because he could not make the trip oversea for their daughter's confirmation. She wanted to telk me what a bad man he was, she even called his boss. At the end of that phone call she told me to watch myself cause he has several women i'm not the only one. 

When l told him this he told me she was just bitter and looking to make trouble and when could he possibly cheat he's always with me.

So yes, my bet he was always like that

I remember that!!! It kind of makes you think what all she said was true....

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

12 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Can l really trust him when he said he started doing this in  October...he may have done this all our relationship

This is definitely a possibility. First, I am so sorry for your pain and to have just learned of this betrayal. I've never shared my story, which brought me here two years ago since my story has been told so often already so I never bothered. My story is similar, though together 11 years, married almost 5. The trickle truth is real and I learned a lot of shocking things in marriage counseling. Anyway, stay strong and if you do want to consider if the relationship can be saved, I suggest IC and couples counseling.

For me, I won't be in a relationship with someone who can lie and live with no integrity. It was rough but now two years past that, I really am as happy as I've ever been.

Things will get better but I am so so sorry.

[Ellener]

Sorry @Gaeta

AllI can say is you are better of without a dishonourable liar and cheater in your life. Sending you love and goodthoughts for healing.

 

[poppyfields]

Gaeta, is there anything you can look back on going back to the very beginning of your relationship (other than what you just posted about his ex), signs that you think you may have missed?   I've heard people say that when finally hit with the ugly truth of their partner's infidelity, when they look back, there was signs that they chose to ignore.

 

 

[Gaeta]

He was possessive of his phone. Nothing else comes to mind. We never argued. He was always loving, always gave me compliments all the time, helpful. A while ago l mentionned to my adult daughter l was getting annoyed at him not being here Saturday nights. She said : mom he's crazy about you! Let him have his time.

[poppyfields]

20 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

He was possessive of his phone. Nothing else comes to mind. We never argued. He was always loving, always gave me compliments all the time, helpful. A while ago l mentionned to my adult daughter l was getting annoyed at him not being here Saturday nights. She said : mom he's crazy about you! Let him have his time.

So he was gone some Saturday nights?  That's a sign although here I am alone Saturday night, my fiancé out with some friends celebrating a birthday, said he'd be home by 11:00 (we live together).  So not sure that would be considered a sign necessarily.

Being possessive of his phone might be though.  You met on Bumble correct?  I recall reading that.  Did he remain active on that app or any other apps that you know of once you began dating?  How long did it take him to delete his apps?

 

Edited November 22, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

Others might disagree with me, but I would find phone protectiveness a red flag. All my bfs were very open with their phone.   I have always been protective of my phone, and though I wasn’t cheating, I was hiding stuff from my boyfriends

Edited November 22, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Ruby Slippers]

I don't remember all the details of your relationship, but I always felt meh about him for you. It was him not doing anything for your birthday that made me wonder... why bother? Now, I realize you may take him back and that's your decision. I don't get why people put up with so much disappointment, but so many people do. I just think you can do better. I don't like to see people feeling disappointed when they could go for something amazing. Personal choice, though, of course. 

[Ruby Slippers]

3 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Others might disagree with me, but I would find phone protectiveness a red flag. All my bfs were very open with their phone.   I have always been protective of my phone, and though I wasn’t cheating, I was hiding stuff from my boyfriends

I've never found it a red flag and never try to look at a guy's phone... but it's awesome when he tells me to use his phone to look something up and is so open like that. Feels very reassuring. I have nothing to hide and would do the same. 

[Gaeta]

11 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

You met on Bumble correct?  I recall reading that.  Did he remain active on that app or any other apps that you know of once you began dating?  How long did it take him to delete his apps?

 

We met on badoo and he deleted his profile. I remember checking back then and he was not there. The women told me they met him on pof.

[Miss Spider]

Just now, Ruby Slippers said:

I've never found it a red flag and never try to look at a guy's phone... but it's awesome when he tells me to use his phone to look something up and is so open like that. Feels very reassuring. I have nothing to hide and would do the same. 

Once my phone was open and my bf picked it up just to look up something real quick and I kind of freaked and went, “oh hey wait a second” and grabbed it back. I had a bunch of messages about how I wanted to leave the relationship on there. Anyway, that’s what I think of when I think of “protectiveness” and a red flag for me. 
I mean it almost seems like there is something to hide.

[Miss Spider]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

pof.

🤮

[Ruby Slippers]

1 minute ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Once my phone was open and my bf picked it up just to look up something real quick and I kind of freaked and went, “oh hey wait a second” and grabbed it back.

It's not cool to look at anybody's phone uninvited, in my opinion. But I have had men hand me their phone to look something up, like when they're driving or my phone is in the other room or theirs is plugged into the audio in the car and I'm DJing, etc. It totally gives me this big "you can trust me, girl" feeling. And then I soon do the same to let them know I'm an open book, too. 

[kendahke]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

He said his 1st wife cheated on him and he didn't leave her for that. The way he talks it's like yes cheating is bad and it hurts but it's not a reason to split when we love each other....it's like he's from another planet! 

Gaeta...

I'm so very sorry to hear this has happened.

 

[Miss Spider]

23 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

It's not cool to look at anybody's phone uninvited, in my opinion. But I have had men hand me their phone to look something up, like when they're driving or my phone is in the other room or theirs is plugged into the audio in the car and I'm DJing, etc. It totally gives me this big "you can trust me, girl" feeling. And then I soon do the same to let them know I'm an open book, too. 

Yep know exactly what you mean. I don’t any inclination to look at or use anyone’s phone. But they’ve all been fine leaving it out or having me text someone when they were driving etc. They wouldn’t of freaked out if I had picked it up. And I wouldn’t have freaked out it when they picked it up, had I not  been hiding a bunch of text messages to my friends about wanting to break up...

 

Edited November 22, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

25 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

We met on badoo and he deleted his profile. I remember checking back then and he was not there. The women told me they met him on pof.

Okay not sure why I thought it was Bumble, I've never heard of badoo!  

[poppyfields]

34 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Others might disagree with me, but I would find phone protectiveness a red flag. All my bfs were very open with their phone.   I have always been protective of my phone, and though I wasn’t cheating, I was hiding stuff from my boyfriends

I agree with you, I mentioned in a previous post that him being phone possessive could be a red flag.

[Chilli]

Sorry Gaeta .

[Versacehottie]

OMGOSH, so sorry to hear this💔  Hang in there, you are strong, Gaeta

[Calmandfocused]

Gaeta I’m so sorry to read this. I can only imagine the gut wrenching, interchangeable emotions you are feeling right now. It’s crushing when you discover that the person closest to you isn’t who you thought they were. You must be devastated. I’m so sorry. 
 

I do think Happy Lemming is getting a hard time here. I don’t think he’s trying to excuse what’s Gaetas bf has done, I think he’s just trying to help us understand. 
 

I fully agree that if sexual needs are not being met you should terminate the relationship. However I get the sense that this is so much more complicated than that. 
 

I think that’s Gaeta bf’s deep love for her was real. I think he was deeply conflicted. He didn’t want to let Gaeta go as his love went much deeper that a sexual and physical connection. 
 

I think he thought this was a good solution. Meet women for casual sex who would never be a threat to Gaeta, then carry on his relationship with Gaeta and everyone is happy. 
 

Obviously that is not the answer but I sense that he thought it was. 

[gaius]

I think a lot of people here were very happy for you Gaeta, that you were finally happy, so maybe the advice wasn't an honest as it could have been. But a lot of things he's done over the last few years weren't just red flags that he might be cheating. They were air horn right in your ear level sirens.

This isn't a guy where there's a right combination to win with. There's no amount of sex, cooking, attention or therapy that going to get him to be faithful. If you want to keep it going you're probably going to have to just accept that on some level or develop a very strong blind spot for it. Anyway, sorry this happened and still hoping for your happiness as much as ever.

[Gaeta]

I have not slept at all. Aren't cheating men usually mean, argues, and are distant! Yesterday after breakfast he was observing me and said ' you're so beautiful' and went on about why he's a lucky man. Then before lunch I told him I had to drop by the store to pay the 2nd half of my new couch that's been delivered on Thursday. He said 'let me pay it', and I declined I said he had me save a ton of money already by doing my renovation I was gonna pay the couch. How can a man be this involved and devoted and at night sleeps with other women! 

[schlumpy]

Yes, I reflect what gaius said in that I read that you were in a good place. 

One thing I would suggest is that you never apologize or feel badly for taking reasonable measures to defend yourself or your relationship. Looking at his phone bill when he had given you reason to was not out-of-bounds.

I'm surprised you are still talking to him and that does suggest, like Ruby said, that you are considering taking him back.

Keep in mind that what he did was deliberate. This wasn't an affair of opportunity where he was close to someone he found attractive and the lack of intimacy clouded his judgement. What he did was a pattern with a purpose and I'm afraid that he still believes he can talk himself out of it.

Is he right?

[Gaeta]

I'm thinking of cancelling the couch. We spent a lot of time looking at couches, measuring the living room to find a good set up, we visited stores together. Now the couch 'we' picked is getting delivered Thursday....sigh..

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, schlumpy said:

Is he right?

He called 2-3 times after he left my place then he stopped. He said different things, sometimes it's about loving me, other times it was about how I neglected him, then he called and just went on about how he will love me forever. I don't engage conversation in any of this. I just tell him I am hurt and betrayed and he ruined everything. 

When he went on about how I neglect him I said : ok so that's why you cheated? Because we were not intimate often enough. He replied 'no', it's not because of that, he said he doesn't know why something must be wrong with him. I replied maybe something is wrong in his head.....but apparently nothing is wrong with his d&ck.