poppyfields Posted November 23, 2020 Share Posted November 23, 2020 (edited) 12 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: That sounds all well and good in practicality. But how will you feel when you’re at home and you know he is out with another woman? How will you feel knowing he’s through the motions to woo her, telling her sweet words, kissing her, having sex with her? How will you feel knowing all the hours he’s gone he’s telling some woman the same things he’s told you? How will you feel if he ends up meeting a woman he takes a particular liking to and gets emotionally involved with her? Etc etc etc I'm kind of cringing myself imagining that. Re bolded, exactly what happened with my dad (see my previous post). Through his many dalliances, he eventually met a woman, fell in love with her, left my mom, the family and married her. And she became my stepmom. Edited November 23, 2020 by poppyfields 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted November 23, 2020 Author Share Posted November 23, 2020 4 minutes ago, Allupinnit said: What makes you think, after ALLLL he's done, that he'd adhere to your rules and be honest about what he's up to? Girl, he LIES. He does what he wants. His ex wife tried to tell you. BF mentioned he was open to therapy. Maybe he's tired of this repeating and damaging all his relationships. I don't know anything, him and I did not have a calm conversation yet! Maybe he doesn't want an open relationship. Maybe he doesn't want a relationship with me anymore! Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted November 23, 2020 Share Posted November 23, 2020 (edited) @poppyfields That’s awful. I can’t imagine how it must have felt seeing your mom go through that. I’m sorry. He’s is probably not going to suggest an open relationship just yet. That might be how you see a way around this, but I think he is going to feed you some BS about how he’ll change, never do it again, get therapy like most serial cheaters do Edited November 23, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted November 23, 2020 Share Posted November 23, 2020 (edited) 19 minutes ago, poppyfields said: I'm kind of cringing myself imagining that. Re bolded, exactly what happened with my dad (see my previous post). Through his many dalliances, he eventually met a woman, fell in love with her, left my mom, the family and married her. And she became my stepmom. Yup it was sad shortskirts. I was quite messed up about it for a long time, it's what led me into therapy the first time. Gaeta and her bf do not have children though so maybe it's different. That's for her to decide. Gaeta, I truly wish you the best. You good peeps. Huge heart. Personally I think you deserve way better, but you gotta do what's best for yourself. xo Edited November 23, 2020 by poppyfields 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted November 23, 2020 Share Posted November 23, 2020 (edited) 3 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: @poppyfields That’s awful. I can’t imagine how it must have felt seeing your mom go through that. I’m sorry. He’s is not probably not going to suggest an open relationship.. That might be how you see a way around this, but I think he is going to feed you some BS about how he’ll change, never do it again, get therapy like most serial cheaters do Thanks ss, yes mom was absolutely devastated. It was heartbreaking - for all of us. But mostly my mom as my dad was her hero. 💔 Edited November 23, 2020 by poppyfields 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gamon Posted November 23, 2020 Share Posted November 23, 2020 When a couple approaches the possibility of an open marriage, and/or swinging, they do it in a healthy, open sort of way. They discuss it, the way they feel about it, possible repurcussions, and then they decide together via open and healthy communication, whether it's a yes or no. This deceptive loser cheated on you with at least 5 women and now that you found out, you're considering being ok with an open marriage because you don't want to lose him. That's not how it works 7 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted November 23, 2020 Share Posted November 23, 2020 16 minutes ago, gamon said: When a couple approaches the possibility of an open marriage, and/or swinging, they do it in a healthy, open sort of way. They discuss it, the way they feel about it, possible repurcussions, and then they decide together via open and healthy communication, whether it's a yes or no. This deceptive loser cheated on you with at least 5 women and now that you found out, you're considering being ok with an open marriage because you don't want to lose him. That's not how it works My sentiments exactly. Especially bolded. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted November 23, 2020 Author Share Posted November 23, 2020 The world is not perfect, humans are not perfect. I know couples that have survived cheating and lived happy after, I know couples that accept to turn the eye and are happy, I know couples with all sorts of arrangements and no, it did not all start from a healthy and open way, often it took a crisis. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted November 23, 2020 Share Posted November 23, 2020 Just now, Gaeta said: The world is not perfect, humans are not perfect. I know couples that have survived cheating and lived happy after, I know couples that accept to turn the eye and are happy, I know couples with all sorts of arrangements and no, it did not all start from a healthy and open way, often it took a crisis. This is very true Gaeta. My response was with respect to open relationships which my understanding is something that is mutually agreed upon. But there are so many shades of gray. In a way, if you choose to continue, you both would be agreeing to it, with limitations - he does it discreetly, you do not wish to know about it. That is your choice, wouldn't be mine, but that's OK. Again, it's your life. What does your eldest daughter think and feel about all this? Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted November 23, 2020 Share Posted November 23, 2020 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: Sex is sex. Nothing else. Perhaps this is simply the mindset of a woman who decides to "turn a blind eye." Maybe you don't want to hear it, but I think in most cases it's nonsense. In most cases there's also affection, feelings, attachment, future planning, romantic gestures, longing, missing her when they're apart, special songs and memories. And I agree that a guy who felt fine sleeping around with multiple women behind your back is exactly the kind of guy who would agree to all your rules, then break every one of them without a second thought. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted November 23, 2020 Author Share Posted November 23, 2020 (edited) 11 minutes ago, poppyfields said: What does your eldest daughter think and feel about all this? Devastated. Mad. Sad. Disappointed at him. She said she will support me no matter my decision. She told me I knew he was not a conventional man in many aspects of his life. She is not surprised of the cheating (because of the ex wife call) but surprised of the number of women in a short time frame. She said she believes him when he says he loves me. Edited November 23, 2020 by Gaeta Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted November 23, 2020 Author Share Posted November 23, 2020 12 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: In most cases there's also affection, feelings, attachment, future planning, romantic gestures, longing, missing her when they're apart, special songs and memories. That's an affair you are describing. Not a hook up. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 23, 2020 Share Posted November 23, 2020 Trouble is that when a woman is not having sex with a man there is a distance introduced. Unless there is something big tying him to that woman ie kids, property, business, finances, a long marriage maybe, then he is likely at some point going to transfer his "love" to a woman he is having sex with. There are no kids here, no entwined finances, no property, no long marriage...etc. Why then would he stick around? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted November 23, 2020 Author Share Posted November 23, 2020 We are intimate, not as often as he wished. Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted November 23, 2020 Share Posted November 23, 2020 13 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: Perhaps this is simply the mindset of a woman who decides to "turn a blind eye." Maybe you don't want to hear it, but I think in most cases it's nonsense. In most cases there's also affection, feelings, attachment, future planning, romantic gestures, longing, missing her when they're apart, special songs and memories. And I agree that a guy who felt fine sleeping around with multiple women behind your back is exactly the kind of guy who would agree to all your rules, then break every one of them without a second thought. Not necessarily. Not when it's compulsive or an addiction. That has zero to do with feelings and affection. My understanding of sex addiction is an obsessive need for validation, filling a void. Who it's with has no relevance. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 23, 2020 Share Posted November 23, 2020 3 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Not necessarily. Not when it's compulsive or an addiction. That has zero to do with feelings and affection. My understanding of sex addiction is an obsessive need for validation, filling a void. Who it's with has no relevance. Ruby was not speaking about sex addiction. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted November 23, 2020 Share Posted November 23, 2020 (edited) Yep. There’s nothing else tying him to you (assets, children etc)but the love that he feels for you. And he could just as easily find love ( and a fresher, intoxicating, easier kind) with another woman, particularly if he is consented to chase and sleep with numerous women. And even with hookups, there is still seduction and romantic steps you have to take to get to the sex. This is all assuming he has any intention to follow the rules. He doesn’t seem to have a problem with breaking them. Edited November 23, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 5 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted November 23, 2020 Share Posted November 23, 2020 (edited) 11 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Not necessarily. Not when it's compulsive or an addiction. That has zero to do with feelings and affection. My understanding of sex addiction is an obsessive need for validation, filling a void. Who it's with has no relevance. 5 women in 6 weeks sounds like an addiction, or close to. Gaeta is he open to seeking therapy on his own for this? I would strongly urge you to not agree to this. By doing so, you are fostering his addiction or potential addiction. Edited November 23, 2020 by poppyfields Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted November 23, 2020 Share Posted November 23, 2020 13 minutes ago, Gaeta said: That's an affair you are describing. Not a hook up. To think you can dictate whether he has hookups or affairs seems delusional. But I guess this particular guy is going to do it whether you give him your blessing or not. If you hadn't caught him, he probably would have carried on doing this forever. I guess the real threat comes in when he gets lucky and meets someone who does it for him on every level, who he wants to see more than just a few times. 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gamon Posted November 23, 2020 Share Posted November 23, 2020 6 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: I guess the real threat comes in when he gets lucky and meets someone who does it for him on every level, who he wants to see more than just a few times. Right. Someone he cares about enough that he won't cheat on them. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 23, 2020 Share Posted November 23, 2020 1 minute ago, poppyfields said: 5 women in 6 weeks sounds like an addiction. Maybe but if a married guy got sex 5 times or even 20, 30, 40 times in 6 weeks would we say he is addicted to sex? 42 times in 6 weeks is once a day... The fact he is getting little at home and seems successful on the app, may just indicate he is a horny guy who likes sex and knows how to get it.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlet Ohara Posted November 23, 2020 Share Posted November 23, 2020 On 11/21/2020 at 4:26 PM, Gaeta said: It would have been 5 years in a couple of weeks. The best relationship I have ever had in my entire life. I felt loved, admired, respected, I have laughed every day of my life since he's in it. Today I found out he is on a dating site and slept with 5 different women since October. I called all of them, they confirmed. I called him, confronted him, he came over got all of his things and gave my keys back. I am numb, I'm not crying, I'm not even mad. He keeps calling saying he loves me, I am the best thing that has ever happen to him and he's ready to go to therapy. I just continue to be numb. I refuse to feel hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 23, 2020 Share Posted November 23, 2020 8 minutes ago, gamon said: Right. Someone he cares about enough that he won't cheat on them. No, he will cheat on them too. It's who he (currently) is. A person who's not a cheating type will end a relationship with someone they don't care about rather cheat. Cheating isn't about whether or not someone cares enough. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
gamon Posted November 23, 2020 Share Posted November 23, 2020 11 minutes ago, basil67 said: No, he will cheat on them too. It's who he (currently) is. A person who's not a cheating type will end a relationship with someone they don't care about rather cheat. Cheating isn't about whether or not someone cares enough. You're probably right, but there are some exceptions. For example my girlfriend of 9 years cheated on her husband when their marriage went bad and they were separated. She regrets those wild and crazy days and although you never know what a person may do, I have no reason to expect she'd ever cheat on me, especially given how good our relationship is. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 23, 2020 Share Posted November 23, 2020 1 minute ago, gamon said: ... my girlfriend of 9 years cheated on her husband I have no reason to expect she'd ever cheat on me, especially given how good our relationship is. He maybe thought the same... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts