Prevalence of infidelity

[Alpacalia]

Two people close to me revealed their male partner has been cheating for quite some time. These are couples that have been together for several years.

One said that they are never going to be in another relationship again while the other said only casual or open relationships from here on out.

It makes me pause and reflect on the complexities of relationships and the prevalence of infidelity. I read somewhere that being unfaithful is as common as fidelity (which is a fairly frightening thought).

Would you consider having an open relationship to avoid being cheated on? Or would you rather be single altogether?

[schlumpy]

I only have so much energy to put into a relationship and many times it's barely enough to make it work. I can't imagine trying to woo multiple women at the same time. I would be opening myself to constant drama and conflict and more than likely would waste years of my life with nothing to show for it.

I don't need the attention of a hundred women. One or two will suffice as long as it's one at a time.

[Gaeta]

I've learn yesterday that my bf of 5 years is a cheater. My last long term relationship I discovered he was a chronic cheater after 4 years. Today, it does feel to me like all men cheat. I'm gonna be alone for a while. I don't absolutely need someone. I don't understand the difference between cheating and open relationships. Sounds the same to me.

[usa1ah]

Neither one, I want a faithful partner. 

 

[central]

The Sher Hite report from the early 90s found that over 70% of both men and women have cheated in their marriage.  So perhaps 25-30% have not and are not likely to ever do so.  Odds are not good for fidelity, and it's clear that many - and probably most - humans are not able to be faithful or monogamous all the time.  Even so, most still value their relationship and don't want to lose it.  Most even love their spouse even if they cheat on them (usually for a short period of time - the long-term affairs are less common, I think).

Most people buy into the concept of monogamy as that's the cultural indoctrination, and it goes deep.  So people find it very hard to acknowledge that monogamy may not be the best choice for them.  Of course, in the beginning of most relationships, most cannot imagine wanting anyone else - but after a few years, the initial intensity wears off and other people may start to look good, at least sexually or for validation.

We knew that we weren't monogamous when we met (after our disastrous first marriages, which were fully monogamous in that neither of us cheated).  We knew that we were polyamorous by nature, and agreed to have a limited open relationship.  We could have other lovers but would be open and honest about it, and we could veto any outside relationship if it caused too many issues.  We've done so for 20 years, very happily.  We have a great and solid marriage - it just isn't always monogamous, and we've never cheated.

[central]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I've learn yesterday that my bf of 5 years is a cheater. My last long term relationship I discovered he was a chronic cheater after 4 years. Today, it does feel to me like all men cheat. I'm gonna be alone for a while. I don't absolutely need someone. I don't understand the difference between cheating and open relationships. Sounds the same to me.

Cheating is having sex with someone other than your partner, without their knowledge and consent.  An open relationship requires the knowledge and consent of your primary partner and any other partners.  Cheating is unethical and hurtful.  An open relationship is ethically non-monogamous.

[Cookiesandough]

You must also factor in that there are certain personality, socio-economic, cultural, etc etc traits that raise the likelihood of infidelity. People with those shared characteristics also tend to be friends. So, if someone know this is a lot of their friends are cheaters, it might just be their circle. I’ve read that people who cheat are much more likely to have friends/family who have cheated , 

[Woggle]

I can't speak for anybody else but I have never cheated and never will and I will not tolerate it. I had my fun while single but I am always true and honest in relationships.

[Alpacalia]

8 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I've learn yesterday that my bf of 5 years is a cheater. My last long term relationship I discovered he was a chronic cheater after 4 years. Today, it does feel to me like all men cheat. I'm gonna be alone for a while. I don't absolutely need someone. I don't understand the difference between cheating and open relationships. Sounds the same to me.

I'm very sorry to hear that 😞. I certainly understand the disinclination to entertain another relationship. Initially, do you think there were signs you may have missed that might have acted as a warning for things to come or were you totally taken by surprise?  I agree; the concept of cheating and open relationships do sound the same (minus the deceptive nature of being unfaithful).

5 hours ago, central said:

The Sher Hite report from the early 90s found that over 70% of both men and women have cheated in their marriage.  So perhaps 25-30% have not and are not likely to ever do so.  Odds are not good for fidelity, and it's clear that many - and probably most - humans are not able to be faithful or monogamous all the time.  Even so, most still value their relationship and don't want to lose it.  Most even love their spouse even if they cheat on them (usually for a short period of time - the long-term affairs are less common, I think).

Most people buy into the concept of monogamy as that's the cultural indoctrination, and it goes deep.  So people find it very hard to acknowledge that monogamy may not be the best choice for them.  Of course, in the beginning of most relationships, most cannot imagine wanting anyone else - but after a few years, the initial intensity wears off and other people may start to look good, at least sexually or for validation.

We knew that we weren't monogamous when we met (after our disastrous first marriages, which were fully monogamous in that neither of us cheated).  We knew that we were polyamorous by nature, and agreed to have a limited open relationship.  We could have other lovers but would be open and honest about it, and we could veto any outside relationship if it caused too many issues.  We've done so for 20 years, very happily.  We have a great and solid marriage - it just isn't always monogamous, and we've never cheated.

Well I'm glad to hear your open arrangement works for you.  I know you said that you are polyamorous by nature but do you think your initial failed marriage kind of pushed you in the direction of an open marriage?

[Cookiesandough]

8 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I've learn yesterday that my bf of 5 years is a cheater. My last long term relationship I discovered he was a chronic cheater after 4 years. Today, it does feel to me like all men cheat. I'm gonna be alone for a while. I don't absolutely need someone. I don't understand the difference between cheating and open relationships. Sounds the same to me.

I totally get why you feel that way now, but my dad has been with my mom a long time and I believe with all my heart he has never cheated. There are men out there who value loyalty and honesty . He’s out there for you ❤️

Edited November 22, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[basil67]

4 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

You must also factor in that there are certain personality, socio-economic, cultural, etc etc traits that raise the likelihood of infidelity. People with those shared characteristics also tend to be friends. So, if someone know this is a lot of their friends are cheaters, it might just be their circle. I’ve read that people who cheat are much more likely to have friends/family who have cheated , 

I'm sceptical (but open to being educated) about socio-economic factors in cheating.   Wondering where you found this.   And is it the rich or poor who are more likely to cheat?  

[_lovelycat_]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

I'm sceptical (but open to being educated) about socio-economic factors in cheating.   Wondering where you found this.   And is it the rich or poor who are more likely to cheat?  

In addition to a desire, you have to have time, energy and resources for cheating to happen. So if we take representatives from different socioeconomic backgrounds with a taste for an affair, some of them won't be able to indulge themselves with an affair because they lack one or several of the factors (time, energy, resources). Rich people with a taste for affairs are more likely to cheat. Not all of them have the desire to cheat though. 

[Cookiesandough]

48 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm sceptical (but open to being educated) about socio-economic factors in cheating.   Wondering where you found this.   And is it the rich or poor who are more likely to cheat?  

It takes a long time for links to be approved, so I would just google “wealthy more likely to cheat“. 

Edited November 22, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

It takes a long time for links to be approved

Links no longer need moderator approval  unless it has changed again.
 https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/wealthy-people-cheat-more-poor-rich-infidelity-relationships-study-illicit-encounters-a8082476.html

^^^ no moderator approval needed.

Edited November 23, 2020 by elaine567

[central]

3 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Well I'm glad to hear your open arrangement works for you.  I know you said that you are polyamorous by nature but do you think your initial failed marriage kind of pushed you in the direction of an open marriage?

No, I don't think that's the case.  I made a commitment in my first marriage to be monogamous, and kept that promise - but I knew I'd have been happier if we'd been able to agree to some kind of ethical non-monogamy.  I was just very, very lucky to meet someone who shared my views and could find a way to make this work well for both of us.  I will say that remarrying was not a priority, and I might not have if there were going to be too many restrictions.  The most important being that neither of us would accept a sexless relationship ever again, so we wanted an agreement that we could go outside the marriage if sex became a problem.

[OpenBook]

20 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Would you consider having an open relationship to avoid being cheated on? Or would you rather be single altogether?

I'd rather be single. No man is worth "sharing." Blechhhhh. He needs to be faithful. So that means I'll probably be single for the rest of my natural life. That's OK with me. For the first time in my life, I'm OK with that concept. Please note though, I'm "long in the tooth" comparatively, and wouldn't dream of speaking for anyone else.

[kendahke]

21 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Would you consider having an open relationship to avoid being cheated on? Or would you rather be single altogether?

I would never consider being a party to an open relationship.

I'd much prefer to be single and not be stuck with the wrong person for the wrong reason... which is what a lot of couples are finding out during these pandemic lockdowns.

I just ended things with the guy I'd been talking to since March--not for any infidelity issues, but because he just isn't a kind person and doesn't possess anything like tenderness in his emotional repertoire. Not going to go forward with anyone who, at 60, is as hamfisted in his emotions as this clown is.

I am allergic to messiness in people.

Edited November 23, 2020 by kendahke

[LivingWaterPlease]

I wouldn't consider having an open relationship even if I were assured my SO or husband would always stay with me. It would break my heart to know someone I love was sharing sexual and/or emotional intimacy with another person.

I also wouldn't stay with someone who cheats on me.

[Alpacalia]

10 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

You must also factor in that there are certain personality, socio-economic, cultural, etc etc traits that raise the likelihood of infidelity. People with those shared characteristics also tend to be friends. So, if someone know this is a lot of their friends are cheaters, it might just be their circle. I’ve read that people who cheat are much more likely to have friends/family who have cheated , 

Perhaps.  But I never would have guessed that the individual from my social circle's partner would be unfaithful.  

I do wonder though about those studies that state wealthier individuals are more likely to be unfaithful.  It could be because they travel more often for business and so there are more opportunities readily available.

 

2 hours ago, central said:

No, I don't think that's the case.  I made a commitment in my first marriage to be monogamous, and kept that promise - but I knew I'd have been happier if we'd been able to agree to some kind of ethical non-monogamy.  I was just very, very lucky to meet someone who shared my views and could find a way to make this work well for both of us.  I will say that remarrying was not a priority, and I might not have if there were going to be too many restrictions.  The most important being that neither of us would accept a sexless relationship ever again, so we wanted an agreement that we could go outside the marriage if sex became a problem.

Thanks for sharing your perspective.

[Cookiesandough]

Yea I don’t know don’t know how much weight  should be placed in those studies. I was more thinking along the lines of ‘birds of a feather flock together’ and how moral values tend to be shared among friends. 
 

Not always the case, though. I have no doubt it was very surprising for you. I have never been cheated on (to my knowledge)nor has my life been impacted by infidelity. But I have noticed I have a keen ability to pick up when it will happen to people I know. I think because I tend to pick up on patterns and nuances of behavior others don’t bother to notice( I guess this would be called intuition). Even then, there have been times where I found out someone was unfaithful that it completely shocked me. It was very unexpected. 

Edited November 23, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Ruby Slippers]

I've never cheated and to my knowledge never been cheated on. There's a spectrum of how people are hard-wired, from purely monogamous to not and shades in between. As a pure monogamist, I seem to attract the same kind of men, who also have never cheated and to their knowledge never been cheated on. 

I could never get past such a huge betrayal and imagine I would cut a cheater out of my life immediately and completely. 

[Wiseman2]

There are risk factors that cheater's have. Avoid people with those characteristics.

It's not a guarantee, but like anything else, it's about minimizing risk.

[Uruktopi]

Alpaca,

I rarely use formal reasoning for this kind of stuff, but it may help to explain myself about this time.

I would accept a relationship only if it´s BOTH monogamous AND honest about.

- Cheating is not honest and neither monogamous. Totally out of scope.

- Open relationships may be honest but are not monogamous. Not at all enough.

- Some fidelity of the kind based on traditional / religious / individual / socal considertations and NOT on a strong proud mutual choice may be "monogamous" but is not deeply honest regarding the very nature of love. A fake.

- The remaining aternative would be the only one I would be happy with.

 

If this is still possible, there I would go.

If not, I would stay single.

[Alpacalia]

21 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Yea I don’t know don’t know how much weight  should be placed in those studies. I was more thinking along the lines of ‘birds of a feather flock together’ and how moral values tend to be shared among friends. 
 

Not always the case, though. I have no doubt it was very surprising for you. I have never been cheated on (to my knowledge)nor has my life been impacted by infidelity. But I have noticed I have a keen ability to pick up when it will happen to people I know. I think because I tend to pick up on patterns and nuances of behavior others don’t bother to notice( I guess this would be called intuition). Even then, there have been times where I found out someone was unfaithful that it completely shocked me. It was very unexpected. 

True, could be a small sample size, one always has to take those studies with a grain a salt.  

It was surprising indeed.  I'm just trying to navigate being a supportive sounding board for them without unleashing my inner diva.😺

2 hours ago, Uruktopi said:

Alpaca,

I rarely use formal reasoning for this kind of stuff, but it may help to explain myself about this time.

I would accept a relationship only if it´s BOTH monogamous AND honest about.

- Cheating is not honest and neither monogamous. Totally out of scope.

- Open relationships may be honest but are not monogamous. Not at all enough.

- Some fidelity of the kind based on traditional / religious / individual / socal considertations and NOT on a strong proud mutual choice may be "monogamous" but is not deeply honest regarding the very nature of love. A fake.

- The remaining aternative would be the only one I would be happy with.

 

If this is still possible, there I would go.

If not, I would stay single.

I like your thinking. 👍

[DKT3]

@basil67Men cheat pretty equally among rich,  middle income or poor. Women are the ones who have significant increases with economic standings.  

Men cheat pretty equally in terms of age, while women cheat at a much higher rate between 35-50.

Men cheat pretty much equally in terms of length in the relationship while women cheat at the highest rate between 10-15 years.

All in all Men cheat when there is a viable opportunity and female infidelities are circumstantial, in general, and usually a combination of variables. In general....of course there are bad seeds who will cheat no matter what,  and good ones who won't cheat no matter what. 

The reality is , the only way to best prevent being cheated on is to not ignore the signs early on. Cheating is never,  ever a isolated incident and always is the apex of selfish behavior and poor boundaries that are visible throughout the relationship...if you know what your looking at.