Bf broke up with me. I want him back! LONG POST

[sam genn]

Hi all.

My boyfriend of 5 months had just broken up with me not even a week ago. I’m currently plagued with thoughts of trying to get him back.

 

For some context, I’m 19 and he’s 24. Before the age difference speaks for itself, we got along very well regardless. We had the same humor, work ethic, and we made each other laugh no problem. We spend almost everyday with each other. I either stay at his house, or he stays in my apartment. We were very comfortable and content! We both could see that whatever we had was working; we made plans for the future and had just said “i love you” the same week that we broke up. 

I know 5 months isn’t too long compared to some of the posts here, but I believe we really connected on an intimate level and I have no reason to believe it was one-sided.

 

Fast forward to this last week, he had been staying over my place for over 3 weeks. I could feel that we both felt stuffy and due to that, there was some slight tension. I recognized that we might’ve just needed space and he did as well, which was normal for us, so he decided to go back to his house for a couple days. 

That night however, I was feeling very overwhelmed with everything. I thought to myself- it’s not very healthy to have myself overthinking and working myself up for no reason. I thought that a genuine break from our relationship would’ve provided some insight. I called him that same night asking if we could take a little break and if possible, holding off on contacting each other and to stop sharing location during this time. He had said ok to this.

 

3 days later, I decided to follow up with him with a phone call and see where we were at. That was when he expressed to me that he doesn’t think things will go back to the way it was and that it was ‘weird’ for me to ask for a no contact period. I hurt him by asking for that and he wanted to break up. 

I told him to do it in person- to come over and pick up his things if that was his final decision. I was also hoping that speaking in person would sway his choice. 

He came over with a duffel bag for his clothes. I sat him down on my couch and we just discussed how we felt. I expressed that I did not want to break up, and that this issue we were having was something we could definitely work on together. 

He didn’t feel the same way- according to him, he doesn’t think that things will work out in the long run. I told him I loved him regardless and I thought it would be worth a shot to give it us one more try, as we have never had ANY sort of conflict until then. 

He said he didn’t want to give me false hope. He told me that he wasn’t anybody special and that I’ll heal over time, get over him, and that I’d find someone else. And that was that.

Needless to say, I was very heartbroken. I still am. But for whatever reason, though he never gave me false hope, I have this determination that I’ll get him back later down the line. I’m not sure how to feel about it.

 

I feel that the reason for my hope is that I know that when he gets emotional, upset or frustrated, his fight or flight tells him to flee. Moreover, at the day of our breakup, he told me he still has feelings for me but it would be in our both interest to separate. I had asked him at the time when the thought of breaking up first popped into his head and he told me that it was only just the night before- it was sudden for the both of us, leading me to believe that he might’ve done it out of hurt. 

He’s quite a sensitive man. 

The days following the break, nothing was out of ordinary. He is very doting, somewhat clingy (which I’m okay with), and wholeheartedly open to me. 

I hope I provided as much context as I could’ve.

 

My reasoning for hope might sound like denial and bargaining, and part of me knows that it might just be- but as things are, that is what I believe. 

I know I’m capable of getting over him and moving on- I’ve done it with a handful guys before him, but this one was someone I thought I could’ve gone the distance with.

 

My current course of action at the moment is to just give him time. I don’t plan to contact him for the time being and hopefully, he’ll have a clear head to fully process what had happened. I will also plan to work on myself during this time and reconnect with friends and family.

There still some of his belongings in my apartment and I was hoping to use that as a reason to reach out within a month from now, just to feel things out. I know he’ll reply to be cordial. 

Hopefully, he’d have revisited the idea of getting back together and is open to it. If not, I’ll finally start the process of moving on if I haven’t already by then. 

I just want to know what you all think about this and sorry for the long thread!

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. You did the right thing ending it, break=breakup, no matter how you slice it.

This was way too much way too soon.

No matter how much you were into each other, this level of oversaturation would make anyone feel trapped.

He should not have been camping out at your apartment this much.

Let this go. Your instincts were excellent asking for space and getting his stuff out of your apartment.

Your red flag meter is working great. This much this soon and his clinginess and pouting are all red flags 🚩

[TeddyBundy1993]

Yes 5 months is less, more over considered honeymoon phase where everything about your partners does appears lovely and cute. If things fizzled out this soon be sure it wont survive in future. I cannot understand his reasons to go separate ways since you didnt have any conflict even huh really? 

He doesnt feel the same way about you and here problems begins, you want more from him and he wants his way out. You both arent on the same page and you will hurt yourself more if he stays around. In my opinion you shouldn't keep any hopes here dear. You are 19 still have plenty of time in this world to explore to soul search get settled you're career.  I understand you had seen a future with this man and now it seems shattered. Dont waste anymore time on him now. Shut doors on him dont give him anymore power on you move on the future is bright for you.  

[ExpatInItaly]

Asking for a break wasn't a good idea, and you're seeing why. It ruptures the foundation of the relationship and introduces uncertainty and insecurity. It's not the way to handle feeling overwhelmed and sometimes things really cannot be put back together. Not sure what outcome you expected there; you can't sideline people and then invite them back in when it suits you. 

Having said that, my strong sense is that he wasn't as sure about this relationship as you think he was. Him urging you to let him go and move on is a reflection of his own feelings too, in the sense that he realized this isn't the right match for him either and wants to move on himself. It sounds like when you called a break and he stepped back from this, he saw that he got caught up in a whirlwind and it wasn't really the foundation for something long term. Spending nearly every day together so early on will often kill a relationship for these very reasons - there's little space to reflect on what's working and what isn't, and to evaluate if it's really what you want or if you're getting too carried away in the lusty honeymoon phase.  The mystery and fun of exploring a growing connection disappears and you wind up getting on each other's nerves. 

I'm not sure that reaching out to him in a month is going to change much, but in the future, slow down a bit. Give each other healthy space and don't play house too quickly. 

Edited November 22, 2020 by ExpatInItaly