Am I expecting too much from my ex?

[conn55]

I broke up with my boyfriend last year. I don't want to say exactly what he did because I have a feeling he might be a lurker on these forums. It's not that important to my story, but all that matters is that he was wrong to do it. Without giving the exact details, he said he wouldn't do something but he ended up doing it anyways and I found out. It wasn't infidelity before you jump to those conclusions, but it was something where I lost trust in him in the moment and felt I had to break up with him.

I've regretted the decision ever since. I don't think I was wrong to end things, but I wouldn't have been wrong to stay with him either. I since realized it was a one time mistake that I may have overreacted to. Now I think about him almost daily. Sometimes it's a brief moment like when I'm watching Netflix and think "oh he loved this movie" and other times it's more intense like when I'm about to drift to sleep and wonder why I let him go. It's not a fleeting feeling of loneliness, but true strong feelings for him.

I've been seriously thinking about asking him if he wants to get back together . We have started speaking again after a few months of silence, which was my decision in an attempt to get over him (which didn't work). He's been very friendly with me and there doesn't seem to be any bad vibes between us. He's been very enthusiastic in replying to any messages I sent him, and we even had a video call. I'm just worried that he's not interested in anything serious with me anymore after all the time that has passed.

I'm always the first to send him a message, except for the occasional comment from him on Instagram stories I post. He was crazy about me before we broke up and I thought that he would be keen to chase me now, but it doesn't seem to be the case. Even after the breakup he didn't try to win me back. He apologized so much but just accepted that he was wrong and I was right to break up. When we had our video call a few weeks ago I decided to ask him where things stood between us now and he said he didn't know and that it would be best to talk in person about it. This suggests to me that he's still interested, but his actions don't really reflect what he's saying. I don't understand how his brain works, or maybe it's just a male thing.

I went into these conversations with him expecting him to be more keen and interested in me than he is. I don't know why. I think I have this idea that because he did something wrong when we were dating that he should be the one to work hard to win me back. I understand that I was the one who broke up with him and he's no obligation to me now. Maybe he's worried about opening up old wounds and being hurt again. Or maybe he doesn't like me that way anymore.

Am I expecting too much from him? Should I straight out ask him if he wants to date again or am I setting myself up for failure?

 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately you seem lonely and nostalgic. He doesn't want to "win you back" after you broke up with him. Now he  can utilize that nostalgia and loneliness for hookups , etc.

 You need to be resolute in why you broke up and confident in those reasons. Leopards don't change their spots. It would be best to move on.

[ExpatInItaly]

Given that you were the dumper, the ball is in your court. 

It's unrealistic to expect him to chase you or be anything but cautious in communicating with you now. You were the one who decided to end it, so it's only logical that he would be treading delicately here. He likely is waiting for you to speak up and clearly indicate what you want. 

He might not be interested in reconciliation at this point, true. But you're going to have have to set your ego aside and communicate your desire to rebuild if you want to find out. 

[conn55]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately you seem lonely and nostalgic. He doesn't want to "win you back" after you broke up with him. Now he  can utilize that nostalgia and loneliness for hookups , etc.

 You need to be resolute in why you broke up and confident in those reasons. Leopards don't change their spots. It would be best to move on.

I'm not lonely or nostalgic, but I can see why you might think so. I've been single far longer than I've been in relationships and manage very well on my own! But thank you for your concern.

I'm also not a believer of the saying "Leopards don't change their spots", but that may be beside the point as I've moved on from what happened. It was a situation where it could have gone either way and it's behind me now.

Sorry if it seems like I'm dismissive of your advice!

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Given that you were the dumper, the ball is in your court. 

It's unrealistic to expect him to chase you or be anything but cautious in communicating with you now. You were the one who decided to end it, so it's only logical that he would be treading delicately here. He likely is waiting for you to speak up and clearly indicate what you want. 

He might not be interested in reconciliation at this point, true. But you're going to have have to set your ego aside and communicate your desire to rebuild if you want to find out. 

I understand that the ball may be in my court, but in all my years dating I'm not used to being the one who's chasing. That might be conforming to old stereotypes that the man should always chase the woman but it's ingrained in me.

I also feel like I might come across as desperate if I initiate all the conversations. Maybe I'm falling into the trap of playing games, not saying what I truly feel because it might make me look too eager.

I must admit I held back on telling him my true feelings because I wanted him to say it first. I would feel vulnerable telling him I still care about him and then worry he might not feel the same way.

[_lovelycat_]

I think he was sincere with you by saying he did not know where things stood between you. If he was sure he was over you, he would not offer to meet in person. If I were you, I would meet him. If the chimistry is still there, you will see it in his eyes and feel it. 

He probably met someone else after your breakup. She may be a nice lady but not as fascinating for him as you were. A meeting would help him find out if you still have his heart or it is over. 

[kendahke]

Quote

I went into these conversations with him expecting him to be more keen and interested in me than he is.  I think I have this idea that because he did something wrong when we were dating that he should be the one to work hard to win me back.

Expectations are future resentments under construction.

This ball is so in his court that he's never going to return a decent volley to you... You showed your true stripes and he's no longer checking for you like that.

9 hours ago, conn55 said:

He was crazy about me before we broke up and I thought that he would be keen to chase me now, but it doesn't seem to be the case. Even after the breakup he didn't try to win me back.

I'm not getting why you'd think he'd be keen to chase you when you made it clear when you broke up with him that it was over? Why would he try to win you back?  Life doesn't work like romcom movies... that's why they're movies and not real life.

This ball is in his court from now on. He knows you're desperate for him to come back and he knows he can take his own sweet time getting round to you.

I agree with lovelycat--I think he's met someone else. I disagree in the sense that he's going to compare the two of you and find you more appealing--if that was true, you two would have had the conversation by now and this thread wouldn't be here. It sounds more to me that he's not trying to be the bad guy, but anything outside of 'yes I want to be with you and I dont' want to be without you' is "you made yourself very clear and I'm not checking for you like that anymore.. you're cool and all, but I dont' need that kind of drama in my life anymore."

All actions have consequences: you have to decide if you can live with them. If you can't, then don't act rashly. Forgive and work through things together if you're not ready to end things because ever since you cut him loose, you've been pining for him, so whatever it was he did mustn't have been all that bad because look where you are now. From what you've written, he hasn't said that he'd stop doing whatever it was you kicked him to the curb over. The person he's with probably doesn't trip off what he did like you did.

Edited November 23, 2020 by kendahke

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, conn55 said:

I understand that the ball may be in my court, but in all my years dating I'm not used to being the one who's chasing. That might be conforming to old stereotypes that the man should always chase the woman but it's ingrained in me.

Well, now might be a good time to challenge your old habits and expectations.

It's a bit silly to think that he should be the one coming after you when you are the one who ended it. You can either fall back on the old "but it's not in my nature", or you  do something about it and speak up. 

We're here to tell you that yes, you are expecting too much from this ex. 

[_lovelycat_]

conn55, I was in a similar situation about 7 months ago. I think if I tell you about my situation, my thoughts mentioned above will make more sense. I was in a relationship with a man who was "worshiping" me...at least most of the time he was.🙂 Then, he made a mistake. It was not a bid deal in the opinions of most of my friends, but for me, at the point of time , it was a big deal so I broke up with him.  A few months passed and I was thinking of him occasionally, but I was  able to reason with myself against reaching out to him. Then all of the sudden, I started missing  him a lot and contacted him. Like your man, mine was enthusiastic to hear from me, but he was not making any efforts to reconcile.  Infrequently, we talk for a month or so where I was trying to understand where things stood between us. His signals were ambiguous to me. Eventually, he offered me to meet.  Within 10 minutes of our meeting , I knew he still was into me. So after I knew the answer to my question, I asked him if he wanted to reconcile. That is why I suggested you  to meet the man. You know what he is like when he is smitten by you. So it would be easy for you to see if he still is into you.

I got the explanation  of why his signals were ambiguous later in the time. It tuned out he was seeing other woman during our breakup. She was super sweet.  He liked her as a person  and hoped their relationship would transform into something serious. Yet, his hopes were slowly diminishing as the novelty of their relationship was fading. I came back to his life somewhere during the fading process, wherein he already had doubts about the potential of his relationship, yet he was not ready to give up on her. He said goodbye to her after our meeting. We dated for 7 more months after the reconciliation.

My experience suggests that the mixed signals that you get from your ex could be explained by a presence of a new woman in his life and by the presence of doubts in his mind about the relationship with her.

[stillafool]

On 11/22/2020 at 10:50 AM, conn55 said:

I think I have this idea that because he did something wrong when we were dating that he should be the one to work hard to win me back.

This is how most women think.  It's kind of ridiculous to break up with someone and expect them to chase you to get you back.  When you last spoke and had this conversation did you contact him or did he contact you?

 

On 11/22/2020 at 10:50 AM, conn55 said:

When we had our video call a few weeks ago I decided to ask him where things stood between us now and he said he didn't know and that it would be best to talk in person about it.

After this conversation has he reached out to you to set up a time and date to talk about this?  If so, I would say he is still interested.  If not, and you're doing all the reaching out he's probably enjoying have you chasing after him while he's entertaining another woman.

[conn55]

 

16 hours ago, kendahke said:

Expectations are future resentments under construction.

This ball is so in his court that he's never going to return a decent volley to you... You showed your true stripes and he's no longer checking for you like that.

I'm not getting why you'd think he'd be keen to chase you when you made it clear when you broke up with him that it was over? Why would he try to win you back?  Life doesn't work like romcom movies... that's why they're movies and not real life.

This ball is in his court from now on. He knows you're desperate for him to come back and he knows he can take his own sweet time getting round to you.

I'm a bit confused by what you're saying. You said that the ball is in his court, but I shouldn't expect him to try and win me back? Doesn't that mean the ball is in my court?

One thing I disagree with is him knowing that I'm desperate. I'm not desperate and I never gave any indication of my true feelings to him. Maybe you feel it was implied by being first to make contact with him after the break up?

8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Well, now might be a good time to challenge your old habits and expectations.

It's a bit silly to think that he should be the one coming after you when you are the one who ended it. You can either fall back on the old "but it's not in my nature", or you  do something about it and speak up. 

We're here to tell you that yes, you are expecting too much from this ex. 

When I type it out it does seem silly. I realise that now. I just thought that when he did something wrong that he should at least try to reconcile. I figure that me dumping him cancels that out and I should have no expectations.

48 minutes ago, _lovelycat_ said:

conn55, I was in a similar situation about 7 months ago. I think if I tell you about my situation, my thoughts mentioned above will make more sense. I was in a relationship with a man who was "worshiping" me...at least most of the time he was.🙂 Then, he made a mistake. It was not a bid deal in the opinions of most of my friends, but for me, at the point of time , it was a big deal so I broke up with him.  A few months passed and I was thinking of him occasionally, but I was  able to reason with myself against reaching out to him. Then all of the sudden, I started missing  him a lot and contacted him. Like your man, mine was enthusiastic to hear from me, but he was not making any efforts to reconcile.  Infrequently, we talk for a month or so where I was trying to understand where things stood between us. His signals were ambiguous to me. Eventually, he offered me to meet.  Within 10 minutes of our meeting , I knew he still was into me. So after I knew the answer to my question, I asked him if he wanted to reconcile. That is why I suggested you  to meet the man. You know what he is like when he is smitten by you. So it would be easy for you to see if he still is into you.

I got the explanation  of why his signals were ambiguous later in the time. It tuned out he was seeing other woman during our breakup. She was super sweet.  He liked her as a person  and hoped their relationship would transform into something serious. Yet, his hopes were slowly diminishing as the novelty of their relationship was fading. I came back to his life somewhere during the fading process, wherein he already had doubts about the potential of his relationship, yet he was not ready to give up on her. He said goodbye to her after our meeting. We dated for 7 more months after the reconciliation.

My experience suggests that the mixed signals that you get from your ex could be explained by a presence of a new woman in his life and by the presence of doubts in his mind about the relationship with her.

That's a great story to hear. I'm so glad you replied. It's amazing how close our stories are! I'm not going to assume it will play out the same way for me, or that he's still interested, but it's good to hear some positivity.

Can I ask, did you express your feelings for him before meeting in person, or did it all come out when you were face to face?

27 minutes ago, stillafool said:

This is how most women think.  It's kind of ridiculous to break up with someone and expect them to chase you to get you back.  When you last spoke and had this conversation did you contact him or did he contact you?

 

After this conversation has he reached out to you to set up a time and date to talk about this?  If so, I would say he is still interested.  If not, and you're doing all the reaching out he's probably enjoying have you chasing after him while he's entertaining another woman.

I contacted him first on all occasions. The only time he has messaged me unprompted was replying to my instagram stories twice.

He didn't arrange a date and time to talk about it. It's a bit tricky to meet right now with covid so that may be why nothing was arranged. Depends how willing he is to break the rules to meet me...

Should I just bite the bullet and tell him I still have feelings for him and that we should meet to talk about us?

[kendahke]

On 11/23/2020 at 1:08 PM, conn55 said:

I'm a bit confused by what you're saying. You said that the ball is in his court, but I shouldn't expect him to try and win me back? Doesn't that mean the ball is in my court? 

No... not if you don't want to remain stuck in place and unable to move on with your life.

You made the decision to break up with him--therefore, the ball is in his court as to whether you're worth his effort and so far, he's showing you that you're not, hence him not arsing himself.

Why should he want to win you back?  You made yourself clear when you broke up with him.  He sounds like he's not ready to give up doing whatever it was that made you take this step.

On 11/23/2020 at 1:08 PM, conn55 said:

Maybe you feel it was implied by being first to make contact with him after the break up?

Exactly...  had you not blinked first and had he most likely not found someone new to date, he might have contacted you.  Since you reneged, he knows you want him back more than he wants to be back and he can move at a glacial pace with you.

Quote

I just thought that when he did something wrong that he should at least try to reconcile.

Not if he thinks what he did wasn't wrong to begin with. He just doesn't want to deal with the smoke.

Quote

Should I just bite the bullet and tell him I still have feelings for him and that we should meet to talk about us?

if you do, be prepared to be demoted to a FWB, you two just being friends who smash every now and then, him not wanting anything really serious with you right now, play it by ear and see what's up, but him not restoring you to full girlfriend perks.  You've already thrown those in his teeth once--he's not going to risk you doing that a second time.

Edited November 29, 2020 by kendahke

[stillafool]

On 11/23/2020 at 1:08 PM, conn55 said:

I contacted him first on all occasions. The only time he has messaged me unprompted was replying to my instagram stories twice.

He didn't arrange a date and time to talk about it. It's a bit tricky to meet right now with covid so that may be why nothing was arranged. Depends how willing he is to break the rules to meet me...

Should I just bite the bullet and tell him I still have feelings for him and that we should meet to talk about us?

If he wanted you back he would have at least put forward an effort to contact you first sometimes after you contacted him.  If he wanted to get back Covid would not keep him away.  If you do decide to tell him you still have feelings for him he will use you as a FWB while looking for another girl, if he hasn't already found one.