I am the part of the problem that I always get into a toxic relationship?

[Candacesims]

I have  issue with staying with in relationship , every single relationship that I have been has ended one way . there was cheated involved more than once when I was at college . I am just wondering why do I keep getting into the toxic relationship, yet I don't want to . the all guys that I did date were very good at pretending . they did have a learning disability . I had a learning disability. this all part of  my fault  or just rotten luck .  

[understand50]

Candacesims

It all comes down to who you hang out with.  Where are you meeting these guys?  People seem to be with other who are like them.  I would make it a point to seek out and find other types of people. You also have to look for guys that do not adhere to the popular culture of "anything to get laid is OK."  So, in your neck of the woods, where would you find these types of guys?   I warn you that because they tend to want to get married and start families, they taken, but if you look you can find them.  So it all come down your own standards.  What do you look for in a mate or friend?  Is it just looks, or is it character?  What do you expect, and are you willing to go it alone until you get with people that share your standards?

I wish you luck

[Candacesims]

I don't hang out with nobody any more since most of my friends are fake . I just want trustfully,repecful,supportive and compression for partner that is mature .  

[SincereOnlineGuy]

6 hours ago, Candacesims said:

I have  issue with staying with in relationship , every single relationship that I have been has ended one way . there was cheated involved more than once when I was at college . I am just wondering why do I keep getting into the toxic relationship, yet I don't want to . the all guys that I did date were very good at pretending . they did have a learning disability . I had a learning disability. this all part of  my fault  or just rotten luck .  

 

A certain relationship talkshow host would begin responding with:

 

"where's your DAD???"

(What kind of a guy is HE  ?)  (esp. with regard to infidelity)

 

(begin along those lines and figure yourself out)

 

 

[Candacesims]

My dad is a golfer we can have a better family relationship then my mum . I like more of my grandad that I do with dad or mum . Granny always has been very helpful .

[SincereOnlineGuy]

20 hours ago, Candacesims said:

My dad is a golfer we can have a better family relationship then my mum . I like more of my grandad that I do with dad or mum . Granny always has been very helpful .

But has anyone in recent generations of your family been known for cheating on a spouse ???

 

 

[Wiseman2]

Do you just think they're "toxic" because they didn't work out?

Dating helps you experience what kinds of things you want/don't want in relationships.

If you don't want to date right now, take a break.

[Candacesims]

I was the only women in my family to get cheated more than once . nobody in my family couple hasn't cheated. 

[Wiseman2]

Do you go to a doctor and therapist to help you?

What translation software are you using? Google translate is pretty good .

[Candacesims]

I already tried therapy it didn't work very well .

[Libby1]

On 11/22/2020 at 5:23 PM, Candacesims said:

I have  issue with staying with in relationship , every single relationship that I have been has ended one way . there was cheated involved more than once when I was at college . I am just wondering why do I keep getting into the toxic relationship, yet I don't want to . the all guys that I did date were very good at pretending . they did have a learning disability . I had a learning disability. this all part of  my fault  or just rotten luck .  

Here's the dilemma we all - male or female - face when it comes to relationships.  There's very frequently a big difference between the healthy, loyal, functional relationship we're taught to expect and the reality of the hundreds of millions of relationships that people out there are having.  Here are some statistics - admittedly relating to marriage rather than non marital relationships - regarding cheating   

https://www.marriage.com/advice/infidelity/infidelity-statistics/

According to Psychology Today, there are two kinds of cheating. One is purely sexual, and the other has strong emotional connections. Men are most likely to commit the first type while women are more inclined to do the second.

I don't say this because I want to spread negativity about relationships, but what you see on this board is a lot of people beating themselves up because somebody cheated on them.  "Is it me?  Is there something wrong with me?  What did I do?"  Well, based on a few posts how on earth can anybody comment on whether there's something inherent in your behaviour or mindset that condemns you to a pattern on being cheated on?  They can't.  But what we can say with a good degree of certainty is that as painful as being cheated on is, it's far from uncommon.  It happens to all sorts of people.  Sometimes for complex reasons, sometimes because there's a problem in the relationship...and sometimes for no particular reason other than that a person got the opportunity to have sex with somebody other than their partner, and they seized that opportunity.

If being cheated on has left you with a feeling that there's something wrong with you, then sure...seek counselling to address that feeling.  But know that being cheated on is a very common thing (though in a lot of cases it will be well enough concealed that the betrayed partner doesn't find out about it).  Being left feeling devastated and wondering "what's wrong with me" is also very common response to being cheated on.  If counselling can help you to manage these unpleasant feelings and thoughts about yourself so that you're not endlessly brought down by them, then that's good.  However,  counselling won't necessarily result in you making some astounding discovery about yourself that can be "fixed" in order to prevent future partners from cheating on you.  

 

[Candacesims]

I already know cheating is wrong . I don't want to tried counselling . it's going to be the same thing has therapies female they talk down to me just because I had a learning disability . what the point of having counselling .

[Millennial]

It does take two tbh - good aspects and bad.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 11/24/2020 at 1:36 AM, Candacesims said:

I was the only women in my family to get cheated more than once . nobody in my family couple hasn't cheated. 

IF this means that both your parents AND various siblings have *cheated* on partners in the past....

 

then your ENVIRONMENT has been a major contributing factor to your cheating, and being cheated upon.

 

SO much so, that even some of the traits you seek in partners ARE traits that overlap a great deal with eventual cheaters.

 

 

From your parents and surroundings, you've likely been offered no OTHER example...  so it is difficult to 'learn' to be faithful when NOTHING in your surroundings rewards (or even values)  being faithful to a partner.

 

 

As for therapy...     its ONLY substance is derived from HOW MUCH of your (honesty) you are willing to offer it.

 

I used to know a nice young woman who "didn't want her therapist to look down upon her"  (SO she wasn't honest with that therapist)...

 

 

it doesn't make sense to do that.

 

[Candacesims]

You got all wrong . I didn't even do the cheated . I was the only women  who have been cheated on in  a relationship more than once  family. not my parents hasn't cheated .  I already tried therapy yet it didn't help one bit and also very rude therapies that did talk down to me just because of my learning disabilities . the gender of that therapies was a woman . I had 9 fail relationship.

[mark clemson]

One thing I note, per your other thread, is that you seem to be dating younger guys. Not that older ones don't/can't cheat, but I think many guys at that age are still experimenting to figure out what they can/can't do in a relationship + many at that age are FAR from ready to "settle down". So that may have something to do with your experiences.

A 30 year old (for example) MIGHT be a bit more stable. They also MIGHT be "better at"/more sneaky about cheating IF they chose to do it.

[Candacesims]

6 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

One thing I note, per your other thread, is that you seem to be dating younger guys. Not that older ones don't/can't cheat, but I think many guys at that age are still experimenting to figure out what they can/can't do in a relationship + many at that age are FAR from ready to "settle down". So that may have something to do with your experiences.

A 30 year old (for example) MIGHT be a bit more stable. They also MIGHT be "better at"/more sneaky about cheating IF they chose to do it.

I always did date younger guys because they always have been in my dating pool none of the older guy give no s*** about myself of being women . in high school I did date on older guy, but he tried to guilt-trip me into sex when I underage of consent .  I had 9 ex bfs . my last ex bf was 18, and he was toxic as hell .

[mark clemson]

Seems like you need to try to find nicer men. Perhaps it's not easy if there is a prevailing attitude of "taking what you can get" towards women among the men in your area.

[Candacesims]

58 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Seems like you need to try to find nicer men. Perhaps it's not easy if there is a prevailing attitude of "taking what you can get" towards women among the men in your area.

must guys that I have tried are not nice . can't find any guys in Warrington town . tried dating sited still end up with rude older men . I can get yonger guy can talk to me just fine but hasn't been on date thanks to convid19 stopping that . I dislike loud noise, and yet I get men that are very f***ing loud that seem to like me but I do not like them . 

[mark clemson]

I have heard it said here that online dating sites are "the playground of the dysfunctional," so that may be part of what you're experiencing. If you are attractive, meeting men in real life might play out better once you can start doing that more effectively again (ie, after COVID). Other than that, don't know - sometimes there are few easy answers.

[stillafool]

Your learning disability has nothing to do with it.  The majority of women get cheated on before they settle down with a nice guy.  Especially women in college because the guys have a smorgasboard of young women to go through.  After college you have to learn how to weed out the guys who mean you no good.

[Candacesims]

10 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Your learning disability has nothing to do with it.  The majority of women get cheated on before they settle down with a nice guy.  Especially women in college because the guys have a smorgasboard of young women to go through.  After college you have to learn how to weed out the guys who mean you no good.

i have been having the issue with that trying to find the good guy 

[stillafool]

7 minutes ago, Candacesims said:

i have been having the issue with that trying to find the good guy 

Yeah, you aren't the only one.  They are hard to find and keep.

[Candacesims]

Just now, stillafool said:

Yeah, you aren't the only one.  They are hard to find and keep.

my last ex BFS did have the mental heath issue and always did blame my trust issue each time he talks about his ex gf before we broke but I didn't want to count since he always did talk about his ex BFS while I was with him . each single time he was the one that cause drama and argue a lot .he did accuse of cheating me.  I didn't even cheat . I have more trust issue with women never yet kept a friend .

[d0nnivain]

On 11/22/2020 at 4:02 PM, Candacesims said:

I don't hang out with nobody any more since most of my friends are fake . I just want trustfully,repecful,supportive and compression for partner that is mature .  

There's a lot to unpack here.  If you can't keep friendships, then yes, you are part of the problem.  Remember, you are the common denominator in all your relationships.  

Wanting a truthful, respectful supportive partner is fine.  I'm not sure what you mean by "compression".  Is that an auto correct thing & you mean compassionate?  

You may need to drill down on these goals.  They can't mean that you date somebody who only ever says yes to you & has no opinions of his own.  

 

On 11/28/2020 at 5:18 AM, Candacesims said:

I already tried therapy yet it didn't help one bit and also very rude therapies that did talk down to me just because of my learning disabilities . the gender of that therapies was a woman . I had 9 fail relationship.

This sounds like you may have a chip on your shoulder.  Not everyone who disagrees with you is talking down to you.  If a therapist gave you suggestions & you disagreed with them, that is not that person talking down to you.  It's them giving you the benefit of their professional skill.  If the therapist was really bad, try a different one.  I had to go through a few before I found ones I clicked with.  

As for your 9 EXs, they weren't all "failures:.  Sure they didn't lead to happily every after but they taught you about yourself, how to be in a relationship, what no to do.  In short they gave you experience.  Try thinkin about them in a more positive light rather than as abject failures.   In my life I can trace at lease one thing I learned to every guy I dated even if they lessons should have been obvious -- don't date jerks, avoid addicts etc.  Still none of those things were failures.  They were all part of experiences I had that made me who I am.  

 

On 11/30/2020 at 12:24 PM, Candacesims said:

I always did date younger guys . . .  . my last ex bf was 18, and he was toxic as hell .

At 22 you are a tad too old to be dating guys with the word teen in their ages.  They aren't mature.  You are at different life stages with you being a college grad & the 18 year old boy stull being in school. 

 

On 11/30/2020 at 3:26 PM, Candacesims said:

 stages with you being a college grad ^ must guys that I have tried are not nice . can't find any guys in Warrington town . tried dating sited still end up with rude older men . I can get yonger guy can talk to me just fine but hasn't been on date thanks to convid19 stopping that . I dislike loud noise, and yet I get men that are very f***ing loud that seem to like me but I do not like them . 

This comes across as being a bit angry.  I suspect it's borne of frustration but it may be a good reason to step back, take a break from dating for a few months & come back fresh with an open mind.  

Obviously there is no reason to date rude men.   But can you please give an example of the behavior you are encountering?  There's objectively rude & then there is your personal preference.  

 

On 11/30/2020 at 4:02 PM, Candacesims said:

my last ex BFS did have the mental heath issue and always did blame my trust issue each time he talks about his ex gf before we broke but I didn't want to count since he always did talk about his ex BFS while I was with him . each single time he was the one that cause drama and argue a lot .he did accuse of cheating me.  I didn't even cheat . I have more trust issue with women never yet kept a friend .

I don't know the origins of your trust issues but they can cause behavior that is a turn off for the other person.  None wants to constantly be  accused of cheating, when they aren't.  

It does take two to create drama.   When your partner starts doing something to upset you in the moment, try to deescalate.  That doesn't mean take crap but you can have boundaries without throwing gas on a fire.  

Again the idea that you can't keep a woman friend either & characterize all your friends as "fake" indicates that you have some work to do on yourself before you will be able to have a successful relationship. 

To tie into your other posts, hang in there.  Covid has put a dampener dating.  That is universal.  If you are going to use  a dating site, remember, you get what you pay for so free may not be all that it's cracked up to be.