Emotional purgatory

[JiltedJane]

A few weeks back I posted about my most recent break up. I want kids, he does not. So he ended it. We've been friends for four years, and dated four months.

In the last six weeks it's been a very unique situation.

I tried to do my ghosting thing that I usually do after a break up and it just has not worked. We still talk every single day.  He's the first one to message me in the morning, and the last one at night. He initiates conversations throughout the day. In fact, I hear more from him now than we did while we were dating (which was a normal healthy amount). We still hang out once or twice a week. He pays for every meal and every movie we rent. He's been opening up to me about things from his past and future. He took me to his home town  the one day and showed me places of relevance to him growing up. We hold hands, we cuddle on the couch, we sleep in the same bed. However, we do not kiss or have sex. I tried at one point and he rejected me saying he really wants this but that I had been drinking and I was not thinking clearly. He now has cute nick names for me which he never did before. We've talked at nauseum about how much this situation sucks for us. He's constantly telling me how much he misses me and likes me, how attracted he is to me, how great I am. The one night he told me he still has feelings for me and it  hurts him when I talk about getting sperm donors in the future or mentioning other guys. The other day we went out with two of his friends and he made a comment about things that make him consider having kids- I don't think he heard me though.

Normally I would think he's just using me for sex, but we're not having it! My paranoid side says he's buttering me up for something, but my other side is saying that maybe he really does have strong feelings and cannot let go.

I love and hate this situation. I love that we have been getting closer on some level, but I hate the uncertainty. I've tried to go on and go on dates with other guys and they're either just looking for sex or they flake out. I get the kids thing is a huge factor but its torture to know that we both feel the same way about each other and can't be together for this one thing.

I'm not deluding myself into thinking I'll change his mind or that we'll be together some day. He is NOT a bad person, so I don't want people ripping him apart. I just am so confused by this situation and do not know anyone else who has been through this-unless sex is involved. I don't even know if I want advice. I just need others perspective.

Has anyone been through something like this?

Edited November 22, 2020 by JiltedJane

[FMW]

2 minutes ago, JiltedJane said:

I want kids, he does not. So he ended it.

The relationship didn't end because the feelings were gone, so it's not unusual that you are still drawn to be together.  

If you want children and don't want to compromise on that, you need to end it for good and have no contact.  

Maybe he'll change his mind, but it would be seriously unwise to count on that.  Continuing to see each other will eventually result in resentment over giving up what you want, and/or even more heartbreak when you break up again.     

[stillafool]

You are just making it harder on yourself by keeping contact with this guy.  Going out, talking everyday is going to prevent you from moving on to another guy and to let go of your hope that he will want kids too one day.  It's time to cut the chord.

[ShyViolet]

Why are you letting this guy manipulate you and play mind games with you like this?  He broke up with you.  You tried to go no-contact but that "didn't work"... I'm not sure what that means.  Now he's hanging out with you a lot, almost acting like he's still in a relationship with you, yet won't have sex with you.  You have this weird tone almost as if you don't feel that you have a choice, you're letting him dictate the amount of contact you have and the terms of your "relationship."  There's no point of staying in this limbo.  You should just be firm with him and set boundaries.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. This is the type of thing the term "situationship" was coined for.

A nebulous painfully bitter sweet attachment.

Sadly you seem to be hunting for clues that it may return to more than friends, snuggle buddies,etc.

Since you urgently want a family a drawn out situationship like this is holding you back.

If you scale back significantly to 'just friends' to clear your mind and reflect, it may help.

[Miss Spider]

12 hours ago, JiltedJane said:

A few weeks back I posted about my most recent break up. I want kids, he does not. So he ended it. We've been friends for four years, and dated four months.

In the last six weeks it's been a very unique situation.

I tried to do my ghosting thing that I usually do after a break up and it just has not worked. We still talk every single day.  He's the first one to message me in the morning, and the last one at night. He initiates conversations throughout the day. In fact, I hear more from him now than we did while we were dating (which was a normal healthy amount). We still hang out once or twice a week. He pays for every meal and every movie we rent. He's been opening up to me about things from his past and future. He took me to his home town  the one day and showed me places of relevance to him growing up. We hold hands, we cuddle on the couch, we sleep in the same bed. However, we do not kiss or have sex. I tried at one point and he rejected me saying he really wants this but that I had been drinking and I was not thinking clearly. He now has cute nick names for me which he never did before. We've talked at nauseum about how much this situation sucks for us. He's constantly telling me how much he misses me and likes me, how attracted he is to me, how great I am. The one night he told me he still has feelings for me and it  hurts him when I talk about getting sperm donors in the future or mentioning other guys. The other day we went out with two of his friends and he made a comment about things that make him consider having kids- I don't think he heard me though.

Normally I would think he's just using me for sex, but we're not having it! My paranoid side says he's buttering me up for something, but my other side is saying that maybe he really does have strong feelings and cannot let go.

I love and hate this situation. I love that we have been getting closer on some level, but I hate the uncertainty. I've tried to go on and go on dates with other guys and they're either just looking for sex or they flake out. I get the kids thing is a huge factor but its torture to know that we both feel the same way about each other and can't be together for this one thing.

I'm not deluding myself into thinking I'll change his mind or that we'll be together some day. He is NOT a bad person, so I don't want people ripping him apart. I just am so confused by this situation and do not know anyone else who has been through this-unless sex is involved. I don't even know if I want advice. I just need others perspective.

Has anyone been through something like this?

Mmmhm that’s a tricky situation. I think that your ex still does have feelings for you. He may not think it will work, but he will always love you in a way. And it hurts. 
 I broke up with my last ex in part because he wanted marriage and children, though mostly for other reasons. It was hard to say goodbye. It’s very hard for some people to cut the cord. He was probably feeling guilty he could not give you what you wanted. I think now that it is established you guys are no longer in a relationship, he feels more at liberty to show those signs of affection, without the guilt...
 

But this will be fruitless except lead you to more hurt. I know you’re hoping he will change his mind about this, but I think if that were close to an option, he wouldn’t have ended it like that. 

I think for your own well-being you should cut it off. I know that when I really like someone, it is almost impossible for me not to reach out to them and communicate. It is like a compulsion. You have to exercise strength, erase him to move forward. As long as he is in your life in any capacity, I don’t think that would be possible for you. 

Edited November 23, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[JiltedJane]

Ugh I know I’m a fool....

I continued my situation ship with this man for an additional four months. We would see each other 2 to 3 times a week, and do everything that normal couples do, except the sexual stuff. He’s been such a great support for me, including when my grandfather unexpectedly died and when my grandmother had a stroke.

And now something has changed. The last time we saw each other was two weeks ago. We had a great time, and for the next full week he kept telling me How much fun he had with me that night. How much he misses me, how beautiful and amazing he thinks I am. and yet no plans or effort to see me. The following weekend, I invited him to hang out on both Saturday and Sunday and he gave me a “I’ll let you know “ but never did. He continued to text me every two minutes throughout the weekend even though he was “too busy with school work “. At one point he asked what I was doing, and when I asked what he was doing his response was “drinking and feeling lonely. “

Normally I’d think he was with another girl, but when we’re together and even with his own friends he’s not attached to his phone like that. 
for the last week and a half, he still texts me every day. He’s the first person to text me in the morning, initiate conversation throughout the day, and is usually the last to message me at night. The messages have gotten shorter though.
I invited him out last weekend and again I got the “I’ll let you know “ and several hours later he told me that again he was “too busy with school work”. I asked him straight up if something was going on and he claimed “ no just busy with school”.

I was so angry I didn’t text him for the rest of the night even when he continued to text me. In the last three days I keep hoping that he won’t text so I can start to move on finally, but I’m still absolutely thrilled and yet annoyed when he does anyway. My anxiety has been through the freaking roof. I’m losing weight, I can’t sleep, I cry at the drop of a hat. All over a person I’m no longer dating.

I’m not sure if I believe the whole thing with it just being school. When I was in grad school I was working two jobs and taking three classes at a time, while still maintaining a social life and hobbies. He was Valedictorian in high school and college, so I feel like taking one class and only working three days a week shouldn’t be a big deal for him. I felt ridiculous even asking if something was up considering we’re not a couple anymore.

I know I have to Move On, I’ll always be waiting for him to wake up one day and realize he’s in love with me and wants kids too. I feel like a complete a complete idiot and a basket case for getting as sick over this as I have been. I’m just also afraid To lose the best friend I’ve had in years.

Why would he still be texting me if he doesn’t want to see me? Y this shift in behavior?

 

[d0nnivain]

Please accept my condolences on the death of your grandfather.  I hope your grandmother is OK. 

This guy likes you & wants to be with you.  He wants to date you.  He cares about.  He just doesn't want to have kids.  He will continue being in your life & confusing you as long as you let him.  Every time you pick up the phone when he calls, respond when he texts or meet him when he asks you keep yourself tethered to him. 

It will stop & you will be free when you end things.   Although since things haven't progressed to sex or you two formally getting back together, him not responding may be him finally getting the message & giving up. 

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, JiltedJane said:

My anxiety has been through the freaking roof. I’m losing weight, I can’t sleep, I cry at the drop of a hat.

Sorry this is happening. See a physician about these protracted depression and anxiety feelings, and get a referral to a therapist to unpack and sort some of this out.. Breakups suck, but you dated a few months. Your intense reaction seem to indicate underlying difficulties.

Including "wondering about the shift in his behavior", when in fact this intense combat of "happy and yet angry he keeps texting", is going on in your mind, not his. He's just same old, same old, kind of friend that was FWB for a while. Pull way back from this. Talk to trusted adults about what's going on. 

[JiltedJane]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Including "wondering about the shift in his behavior", when in fact this intense combat of "happy and yet angry he keeps texting", is going on in your mind, not his. He's just same old, same old, kind of friend that was FWB for a while. Pull way back from this. Talk to trusted adults about what's going on. 

We didn’t become FWB though.... no sex after.

I do have a therapist, but she thinks I have to fight for this relationship or tell him it’s worth fighting for.

haven’t talked to her since these incidents though

[basil67]

4 hours ago, JiltedJane said:

We didn’t become FWB though.... no sex after.

I do have a therapist, but she thinks I have to fight for this relationship or tell him it’s worth fighting for.

haven’t talked to her since these incidents though

Your therapist is nuts.   If this relationship is to be saved, one of you will have to change your view on children.  Are you going to give up your dream of motherhood for him?  Or will he have to father a child that he doesn't want?   

I'm sorry, but this something where compromise isn't an option.

Edited February 11, 2021 by basil67