Betrayed again and again. what's wrong with me?

[Scarlet Ohara]

Every man in my life has betrayed me including my father.  I have been married twice, the first was when I was 20 ended in divorced because of infidelity, the second infidelity with massage parlors, etc. - my husband shot himself when I found out.  My third relationship was with an online boyfriend, we lived together - he was on dating sites constantly.  My last boyfriend (which ended today) said I was his dream girl... yet he private chatted on F-book Messenger, when we had a fight, he picked up women and had sex w/ them and then joined American Bisexuals to troll for a life-time partner for male sex.  He asked for my forgiveness and I took him back only if we established a  TRUST... he still kept his phone on silent.  Today, we went to the Casino to gamble, had lunch and had a loving ride home with promises of commitment and trust.  He vowed on his dead mother's grave that he would never hurt me or betray trust.  Today, I called him and it went to call waiting 10 times.  I felt that feeling... 6th sense.  Dressed up and drove 25 miles to his home where a CAR was in his driveway.  I knocked, knocked he let me in... a woman was inside, wine glasses on table, both with shoes off.  I asked the woman if she knew he was in a 5 year relationship and she called 911.  I asked him why... since we spent all weekend together and had a pleasant time today.  He kept looking down and when I touched his shoulder he said "don't touch me."  He said she was a friend and he was showing her his house.  I'm not stupid... just hurt.  He stayed inside with his FRIEND, while I met 5 police outside who finally told me I was FREE to go home.  I'm still trembling from this and hurting beyond belief.  He's blocked, blocked and blocked... but it still doesn't make sense to me.  I would appreciate all replies.  

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. Don't try to forgive and forget. When someone cheats, you end it.

Try to get a handle on your emotions. A doctor's visit and a referral to a therapist can help you unpack and sort some things out.

It's better than getting arrested.

[schlumpy]

I think some sessions with a counselor are in order. You have to learn to recognize why you are choosing the wrong type of men to be with.

I get the impression that you are very susceptible to "love bombing." Say the right things and the cheating is forgiven.

Do some reading on what constitutes a healthy relationship. There are certain essential qualities that must be front and center before you can move forward with someone.

Respect would be a big one.

A good start for you would be to stop listening to the words and pay attention to his actions.

And no, you are not stupid.

[Scarlet Ohara]

I met him on line...he was a gentle man.  He took me everywhere, movies, concerts, restaurants.  However, it soon became evidence he was a flirt and liked messaging women in private chat.  I forgave him.  We would argue, make up in a circular fashion. 

One day he left his lap top at my home.  I found his dating site and he was trying sexually hook up with women.  Again, we broke up for 3 days and he apologized and asked for forgiveness.  By this time we are 3 years into our relationship.

Another fight and one week breakup, he comes back and promises eternal love, blah blah blah.  He tells me he picked up a woman in Walmart and had sex because we were broken up.  One week later he tells he he is bisexual and would I mind him having internet mutual gratification with men? He says he's always been bisexual.  I asked why he didn't tell me that initially... of course he wouldn't answer that.

After he left, I found his profile on a web site...his face and private area pictures and bragging about his abilities.  I confronted him and he said it was only to find a long-term once-a-month hook up.  He said many men do this.  I was in love with him  and tried to understand but in the end I said this was not acceptable because I feared HIV/AIDS.

He said that I brought out this need to release anxiety because of our fighting.  He finally got off the site and said he was done with seeking men because he was getting old (in his sixties).  Our relationship is in 5th year and gradually not the same.  Sexual intimacy has diminished and we are more like old married couple.

Few days ago I caught him with a woman after spending the weekend with me.  Because of seizures he had brain surgery that removed much of his left frontal lobe.  His personality is cool,  unemotional, he never cries.  Everything he's ever done he blames on me... it's my fault and I made him do it.  When we talk he tells me to "just go away" if I can't deal with him.  Five year relationship is hard to walk away from but he casually tells me that.  Then he texts me and reconnects.

He says he loves me but his actions speak otherwise.  He seems like a habitual liar and sociopath and now I need to make a huge decision.  He fixes everything for me... from my cars to everything in my home.  I don't want to be lonely, or lose someone who is useful to me.  I have some degree of love for him but at this point I am confused as what to do.  I need all advice I can get.  Thank you. 

Edited January 1, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs & removed specifics.

[ExpatInItaly]

7 minutes ago, Scarlet Ohara said:

 He fixes everything for me... from my cars to everything in my home.  I don't want to be lonely, or lose someone who is useful to me.  I have some degree of love for him but at this point I am confused as what to do.  I need all advice I can get.  Thank you. 

And then proceeds to destroy your self-esteem and blast your self-respect to smithereens. 

Him being handy and fixing things is a very poor reason to keep him around. You know he's a liar and a cheater. I'd rather be lonely than have this clown in my life. He isn't going to change. 

You have two choices: accept that he will always lie and cheat on you, or end it. 

This one should be a no-brainer. 

[Scarlet Ohara]

You are right.  I appreciate the input.  I just need to hear this from other people.  I know in my heart this is not healthy and I deserve better.  Thanks again. 

 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. You need to get to a doctor for testing.  

https://www.cdc.gov/std/stats17/msm.htm

[Scarlet Ohara]

Thank you... your advice is what I needed. 

[kendahke]

4 hours ago, Scarlet Ohara said:

Five year relationship is hard to walk away from but he casually tells me that.

yeah, when it's been a good, monogamous, transparent one where each was committed to the mutual benefit of the other... not this desperate cesspool you insist on swimming in.

How much more of your youth are you going to squander behind this clown just because he can fix your car?

smdh

since you titled your thread:

Quote

I can't keep forgiving and taking him back!

Well, what do you propose YOU are going to do about it? Not him, but you. Clearly, he's going to do whoever and whatever he wants until he's ten toes up six feet down. Your presence in his life doesn't mean squat to him.

Your choices are to either look the other way in order to say "I got a man" or you grab hold of your dignity and quit letting yourself be played out. It's not a cute look.

Edited November 29, 2020 by kendahke

[Scarlet Ohara]

I appreciate and respect all comments because I need clear input into my dysfunctional relationship.  Apparently, I've lost my self-respect and esteem and need to get it back.  I'm ingesting everything everyone says and it is helping me.  Thank you again. 

[Scarlet Ohara]

11 hours ago, S2B said:

What did you decide to do for yourself?

 

believe me - 5 years is nothing. I ended my 27 year marriage because he didn’t understand honesty and being faithful - I don’t regret ending it for one second. I just deserved better.

I appreciate your input... did you do an instant cut-off?  I do deserve better and I know that the bond of trust will never be repaired and that this man is a sociopath and habitual liar.  I've decided to LOVE myself and live life alone. 

[Gaeta]

How are you doing @Scarlet Ohara?

You don't have to be alone, alone is good for now as we need to heal but later the desire for a companion will come back. My grand-mother fell in love at 75 and remarried, there is no age for love. I hope you're not alone, you have grown children? siblings ?

[Ruby Slippers]

This guy has shown you very clearly who he is. He won't change. I broke up with a guy for much less than this 6 months ago, after several breakups and make-ups. While it's not always fun to be single during a pandemic, all things considered, I feel I'm better off.

[FMW]

He's not going to change.  Is it worth it to you to accept him exactly as he is to get the benefits of not being alone and not having someone to fix things for you?  For some women it might be.  Only you can decide if it is for you.  

Being with the wrong person can be more lonely and more miserable than being single - I know that from personal experience, I ended a 23 year marriage. 

You can either learn to do various repairs, ask friends to help, or pay someone else to do them. You can adjust to being single more easily and quickly than you probably think.     

 

 

[Scarlet Ohara]

It's amazing when you finally realize that it's the end of a relationship.  No matter if it was 4 months, 4 years or 40 years... the moment your brain kicks in there is a peace.   This happened to me yesterday evening.  Contrary to my counselor's advice, I chose to have a date with my cheating, lying (65 yr old) boyfriend.  My bad.  Once again, his hollow words (ok, we can try to work it out) were spoken. He sounded depressed, not caring and warm but cool.  Met him at his home and we were both very uncomfortable.  We drove awkwardly in his card to a Gambling Casino.. 1hr. drive.  I began to talk (as usual) and asked him honestly to tell me what he wanted to do.  He doesn't communicate anything... ever.  As usual, I said that I loved him (needy) and didn't want to date anybody else.  His response was: "you are such a child, always asking me to say I love you." (awkward).  He said he didn't want to hear the whining about catching him with a woman in his home and that I can never move on.  (ok).  We gambled and on the way home all hell broke loose.  He said I was the worse woman he's ever been in a relationship with... first wife was an adulteress (he was also), second wife purportedly was sexually inappropriate with his teen-age son... but I was the worse... needy, breaking up when he was flirting and messaging women, hiding his phone, going on Bisexual Sites.  I was a DEMON who became agitated that he kept his bisexuality from me for 4 year and then, finally told me he enjoyed sex with me.  I was an FBI investigator and that irritated him because I found him on a Bisexual Site trolling for male hookups.  How dare I not be adventurous and kinky.  I was just "stupid" because after he vowed on his dead mother, father, brother's graves he would never cheat on me and loved only me... I was his "true love"... 4 hours later he was with a woman date in his home.  My guardian angel tapped me on the shoulder and said WAKE UP... hopped in my car and behold... he let me in.  Only one ? to the woman "Did he tell you he was in a 6 yr relationship" and that was enough for her to call 911... long story short, I was surrounded by sheriff, 4 SUV's of cops and interrogated.  I have PTSD and the incident put me in shock, reminiscent of the night my husband put a gun in his mouth and shot himself in front of me. 2 days of blocking, 2 sessions with a social worker/therapist and then, he sneaks in on messenger/F-book.  Huge mistake for me was feeding into his crapola.  He insisted I forced him to be with the woman cuz of a comment I made about younger men. That ride back from the casino was the Twilight Zone... I was a b****, the worse woman he's ever been with and I forced him to cheat.  He also said that my husband shot himself probably to get away from me.  I retaliated with a diatribe, he threatened to throw me out of the car in OK (home is in TX) at one point he raised his hand to me.  Long drive home...  finally was dropped off at his house to pick up my car.  TODAY,  am strangely at ease ... I know that it's the end.  There is no rehabilitating our relationship and all fantasies are gone.  I am one of those women who "love too much" and "stay too long".  However, today, I am quietly at ease.  Another therapist session next week... so much to tell her.  The death of a relationship with no chance of reconcillation is my choice and I feel stronger.  

[Cersei]

Good for you! You've got this.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Scarlet Ohara said:

.  Another therapist session next week... so much to tell her.  The death of a relationship with no chance of reconcillation is my choice and I feel stronger.  

Well if you somehow needed "closure", then all the drama may have been worth it to you.

Have you deleted and blocked him from all your social media and messaging apps?

Rather than sparring with your therapist, focus on closing this chapter and moving forward.

[salparadise]

10 hours ago, Scarlet Ohara said:

...he kept his bisexuality from me for 4 year and then, finally told me he enjoyed sex with me. [did you mean men?]  I was an FBI investigator and that irritated him because I found him on a Bisexual Site trolling for male hookups.

This is where you should've abandoned ship. At this point you had all the information you needed to make the right decision for you.

I'm sorry, breakups are hard when you're truly invested. For those not invested, it's just another day. I can definitely see how finally getting the click that affirms the decision would a relief. Hope you'll be okay now.

 

[Scarlet Ohara]

Yes, I meant men.  You are correct, my mother stayed with a mean cheating alcoholic... my counselor and I are working on "red flags"... as an exist strategy for me. Thanks for your insight and compassion.  

[Scarlet Ohara]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Well if you somehow needed "closure", then all the drama may have been worth it to you.

Have you deleted and blocked him from all your social media and messaging apps?

Rather than sparring with your therapist, focus on closing this chapter and moving forward.

Yes, I needed to be have one last abusive closure ... he just couldn't say the words "I love you"... said he's tired of having to say it over and over again.  The lightbulb went on... (this many really doesn't love me).  DUH.  Blocked everywhere.  Christmas vacation with my family will be good for my mind.  I will be around people who REALLY love me. My therapist said she worked with people who gave their relationship a makeup after infidelity HOWEVER, she said partners who refuse to take responsibility for infidelity and lies never work out.  He continued to not take responsibility and there was no true remorse.  His only remorse WAS that he was caught in his home with another woman.  I ruined his fun.  Thanks again for your compassionate insight and wise words.  

[Scarlet Ohara]

Thank you so very very much... for your kind words

[Gaeta]

Stay strong. You're lucky to have a therapist. I've called everywhere and they're all booked from wall to wall. 

[Scarlet Ohara]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Stay strong. You're lucky to have a therapist. I've called everywhere and they're all booked from wall to wall. 

Mine is phone conference... Gaeta time is a healer... it's the initial phase of shock and then acceptance that is hard to deal with 

[Scarlet Ohara]

You made me do it... the continued rant of a child or a narcissist lover.   What would make a person not be able to ADMIT they are wrong... take responsibility for actions, ask for FORGIVENESS?  The stories are always rehearsed citing some ridiculous thing that triggered them to seek out another person... you said something about my age... so I slept with someone.  You criticized my driving so I hooked up.  Is this a pattern for other people also?  

[d0nnivain]

There are always people like this.  They are best avoided.  When you get tangled up with one, they can be emotionally exhausting.  Once you recognize the pattern that is your cue to leave.