StoryOfMyLifeYes Posted March 8, 2021 Share Posted March 8, 2021 I'm sorry you had to live through this. It is never okay to say someone made one do anything at all, to say nothing about cheating. People's decisions are their own and they need to own them. If they don't and shift the blame they're playing a trick. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scarlet Ohara Posted March 30, 2021 Author Share Posted March 30, 2021 I am in desperate need of immediate comments/help. I am in a toxic relationship that has to stop. It's causing my hair to fall out and I feel horrible. It's an on again, off again, relationship that needs to end. My boyfriend of 6 years is a liar and cheat... sneak and I keep forgiving him because I don't want to be alone. However, I really am alone and living in a one-way-street relationship. He's manipulative, cold, sociopathic, a sneak, liar and I believe has a private other life when he's not with me. There is no trust because he lies so much... even about being bisexual. I caught him one time with another woman in his home which was on the same weekend we were together having a great time... this was also after he promised he would never cheat on me again... on his parents grave. I know I will get comments of "why are you so stupid" "just leave and have more self respect." I do need to hear everything and hear it fast... I am losing respect for myself. I have put him on block on social media and my phone... I need prayers and good advice. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted March 30, 2021 Share Posted March 30, 2021 This is a highly toxic situation and may be well beyond the scope of outside advice. It has gotten so bad that you are now experiencing physical effects in response to ongoing trauma. Do you live with him currently? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scarlet Ohara Posted March 30, 2021 Author Share Posted March 30, 2021 No... I do not live with him. I met him a few years after my husband committed suicide in front of me... I have PTSD. He was so nice initially, respectful, courteous, etc. I told him I needed trust as a basis. Red flags came up... he was a flirt on Facebook, he takes medication for auras because of seizures (he had a brain operation to remove seizure center.) Every time we argued and broke up he immediately went on dating sites. The back and forth is mind boggling... it has to finally stop. 4 years into our relationship I found him on American Bisexuals in full view ... body parts, his face, etc. - looking for a one on one long term meet up. It's been rocky ever since. There is absolutely no trust and he calls me the B word, tells me to F-off, etc. I am just afraid to be alone... however, I know this is abusive and toxic. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted March 30, 2021 Share Posted March 30, 2021 I'd spend some time with friends or family to get away from him, then seek professional support. You are not equipped to deal with this on your own. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scarlet Ohara Posted March 30, 2021 Author Share Posted March 30, 2021 Yes, I am intelligent woman... I know what I have to do. At one point a toxic relationship becomes unworthy of salvage. Time to reassess if being alone with myself is much better than being with an abusive sociopath. Thank you. I need so much support Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 31, 2021 Share Posted March 31, 2021 Can a friend go stay with you, or can you go to a friend or to a family member? Keep him blocked, he has the same effect on you as drugs would. It's not your heart that wants him, it's just your brain being in withdrawal, it will pass. Tomorrow first thing look for a therapist. As long as you keep letting him back you will never ever find true love. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted March 31, 2021 Share Posted March 31, 2021 (edited) 41 minutes ago, Scarlet Ohara said: Time to reassess if being alone with myself is much better than being with an abusive sociopath. Thank you. I need so much support Yes, you have to learn how to be happy with yourself and enjoy your own company alone, that's very important. Edited March 31, 2021 by Alpaca 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 5, 2021 Share Posted April 5, 2021 Good for you for finally blocking him & for realizing this is abusive & toxic. My deepest condolences regarding your husband's death. My EX committed suicide so I understand some of the guilt. I can't even imagine the horror of having to be a witness. Check out a group called Walk Out of the Darkness. Among other things it's a support group for the survivors. On 3/30/2021 at 7:36 PM, Scarlet Ohara said: I am just afraid to be alone... however, I know this is abusive and toxic. You know that fear is the heart of your problem. You have to overcome that to walk away from this bad BF. Try some logic. Make a list of all the bad things that you think could possibly happen if you break up with him & are alone. Then give yourself a good mental shake & refuse all your suppositions. One of your fears probably is that if you let go of him you will be all alone & nobody will ever love you. It's a common terror but it's not true. Remember you have to let go of him to free up space in your life for a new loving person. Maybe you will meet somebody good as you take whatever steps you need to heal. Not constantly being worried about what the cheater is doing will free your brain up to think happier thoughts & pursue healthy options in your life -- you can take up a hobby, work out, just not have the black cloud that he is hanging over you. You are more powerful then you know. You CAN put a stop to this by kicking him out of your life once & for all. Act. You will feel better than you have in years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted April 5, 2021 Share Posted April 5, 2021 Call all the people you know who are smart and trustworthy and sane. Get their support. Friends, acquaintances, coworkers, former coworkers. You got to announce your situation to people, to lose the shame and to get other energy in your life. I would typically say you really need to get to a therapist, but a lot of people don't have resources for that. But clearly, you putting up with this level of chaos means you've got some deeper problems most likely stemming from childhood or various traumas. That's OK. It's just time for you to rebuild yourself emotionally. The problem with avoiding therapy is that people tend to make leaving all about willpower and yes/no right/wrong. But usually if you're staying in a horrible relationship, there are powerful reasons and so what people often need to do is fix up the rest of their life and that is what makes it possible to be "alone." It's really hard to see how we need to build up our lives as a whole, but a therapist can be a shortcut. And yes, good friends and coworkers, ministers--aunts, uncles, former school teachers. You need to be in touch with a range of voices to help you reprogram your mind. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scarlet Ohara Posted June 13, 2021 Author Share Posted June 13, 2021 I am seriously at a cross-roads in my mental health. My mother stayed with a verbally abusive cheating husband... my childhood was a nightmare. My father never even talked to me, hit me and lowered my self esteem. Obviously, I'm use to bad treatment, verbal abuse, lying, cheating because that's what I'm comfortable with. I am in a whirlwind 7 year horrid relationship and it's making my hair fall out. Red flags were initial flirting in private messaging, hiding phone, lying about his bisexuality, being on dating sites every time we had an argument. Then, the accusations that I made him do it.. caused his behavior started. We went back and forth however, the behavior of flirting, lying, cheating continued. He vowed on his parents graves he would stop... said he was done... loved only me. THE SAME DAY, four hours later I found him with a women in his house. Again, I continued to take him back. At this point I don't know what is wrong with me and I feel disgusted with myself. I always made him unfriend his dates he met on sites when we were broken up... last night, we went on road trip, romantic dinner, concert and went back up to hotel room. He was in shower and I looked at his phone and guess what.. he was texting one of his dating site women. We immediately left the hotel at 1:00 a.m. and the 3 hour drive back to our state as chaotic. He said it was my fault for looking at his phone. I cried, became hysterical, choked on my lack of ability to breath -- then silence... he was silent, I was silent for 2 hours. He dumped my suitcase on the curb and I said "good bye". I was in shock. I despise myself for being weak and stupid. I have blocked him everywhere. NOW... anyone know why I feel so worthless and feel I deserve this treatment? I want it to be over... Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted June 13, 2021 Share Posted June 13, 2021 (edited) Can't you move to another city and start over there, find a therapist and start treatment. Because of abuse, you hated yourself, there is no way you gonna love yourself just because you wanna change, hating yourself takes time to change into loving yourself. This loser will come back to you, and you will accept him, Unless you move to another apartment or city, you won't be free from him! He'll come back, give you a gift, and a fake smile, and you thinking you have no one to love you, will accept him back. He'll do it again and you'll do it again You are a weak person, no shame in that, but one way a weak person can't repeat the same mistakes, is they don't have to see the same tempatation. So go MIA, Missing in combat, nobody will be able to find you in a new place, you can start over. With new phone only given to your most trusted family members.. don't give your address right away to people, because that defeats the purpose. What you can do now, is to Try to apply for jobs outside of this city, don't tell anyone about your plans and start over again! The alternative would be..: You stay with toxic man, someday you get a disgusting diseases from all his cheating ways.. He'll keep on blaming you, fight with you, make you cry or worse you will have 1 baby or 2 with him, he'll make their lives a living hell, just like your dad did.. Do you really wanna create a mini you? Do you really want them to suffer just like you did? Edited June 13, 2021 by Noproblem 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scarlet Ohara Posted June 13, 2021 Author Share Posted June 13, 2021 Thank you dear Noproblem... I appreciate your kind comments. Link to post Share on other sites
hajk Posted June 13, 2021 Share Posted June 13, 2021 @Scarlet Ohara have you heard of karmic relationships? I think the following Youtube video explains the concept very well. Karmic relationships : recognise, understand and heal your past life connections https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3EFiPfQzQc 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 13, 2021 Share Posted June 13, 2021 Scarlett ask yourself why do you need a man. You won't die without one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scarlet Ohara Posted June 13, 2021 Author Share Posted June 13, 2021 Stillafool... what an exceptional question... this is so powerful to think about... possibly to try to establish the love I didn't get from my father? Any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scarlet Ohara Posted June 13, 2021 Author Share Posted June 13, 2021 2 hours ago, hajk said: @Scarlet Ohara have you heard of karmic relationships? I think the following Youtube video explains the concept very well. Karmic relationships : recognise, understand and heal your past life connections https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3EFiPfQzQc what a powerful video ... every man in my life has betrayed me, not given me love...in my past lives I must have been a horrid woman. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 13, 2021 Share Posted June 13, 2021 25 minutes ago, Scarlet Ohara said: Any thoughts? Love yourself. We can't go back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 13, 2021 Share Posted June 13, 2021 3 hours ago, Scarlet Ohara said: I'm use to bad treatment, verbal abuse, lying, cheating because that's what I'm comfortable with. There's a grain of truth too this. If your parents are sea turtles living in the Atlantic , you'll be a sea turtle living in the Atlantic. However it's best to stop assigning this rigid script to yourself. Perhaps yes, you're wired for drama. What you can to with that is replacement rather than void it out. That means an adrenalin hobby, sport, interest, job, side job, etc. Get that same fix you're wired for but in healthier outlets. If the 3 "C"s : Crisis, Chaos, Conflict are hardwired, you can find other ways to find that rather then jerks throwing suitcases around in the middle of the night. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scarlet Ohara Posted June 13, 2021 Author Share Posted June 13, 2021 Wiseman2... thank you thank you thank you... my goal is to join some church groups... donate my time and energy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scarlet Ohara Posted June 23, 2021 Author Share Posted June 23, 2021 My boyfriend of 7 years and I had a wonderful weekend... comfortable, dinners, watched Gone with the Wind, went gambling. As usual, we spent Friday night, Saturday evening, night and Sundays together. On Sunday, we went to a Casino to gamble... on the way back I grabbed his hand and thank him for a great loving weekend. I said I felt closer to him but asked him one question: Are you done with your BS on dating sites every time we fight? His answer: "I swear on my mother, father, brother's graves that I am done and will never cheat on you." At that time I felt really bonded. This was about 1:00 p.m. He gave me my suitcase that was in his house, kissed me in the car and said he would call later. WELL, it was about 5:00 p.m and I called-all calls went to call waiting. I could feel a spiritual tap on my shoulder saying... get dressed and go up to his house. I did just that.. drove 25 miles and thought... ok, I feel dumb (all the while hoping I wouldn't find a strange car in his drive way.) Well, lo and behold there was a strange car in his drive way. I walked up to the door, knocked and he opened it. I then asked the women if she knew HE was in a relationship for 7 years and said I would like to talk to her woman to woman. She then said she was calling 911... asked by BF for the address .. and HE gave her the address. Rather than run her off... send her home and tell her...this is my gf of 7 years... I'm cheating on her.. go home, he facilitated the 911 call by giving her his address. Within five minutes 5 SUV's one a Sheriff came to the house. They took me outside to talk. My BF stayed inside with his one night strange. Cops asked me how I got in... I said he opened the door, we have been together 7 years and I only asked the women if he knew HE was in a relationship? I never went near her or was violent. After a lot of BS talking, a female Sheriff said I was free to go home. They escorted me to the highway as if I was a criminal. I have PTSD diagnosed14 years ago... and he knew I did. We also were working on trust issues. We've been back and forth for a year talking about this incident. I can't forgive him, he betrayed me... he said "he was in the middle that might"... Really? A real man would have asked his one night stand to leave, not given his address to her to call cops on his 7 year gf because he got caught. He let me in the house and it was my right to ask her if SHE knew he was in a relationship... did he tell her? Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 23, 2021 Share Posted June 23, 2021 Have you ever considered she was NOT a one night stand? 8 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 23, 2021 Share Posted June 23, 2021 (edited) The better question to ask may be, is he still your boyfriend? And if so, why? Is it possible that she is his wife? Does she live there? Edited June 23, 2021 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scarlet Ohara Posted June 23, 2021 Author Share Posted June 23, 2021 Good point... I know he sold her some furniture and just met her 3 weeks earlier... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scarlet Ohara Posted June 23, 2021 Author Share Posted June 23, 2021 2 hours ago, BaileyB said: The better question to ask may be, is he still your boyfriend? And if so, why? Is it possible that she is his wife? Does she live there? We've been together for 7 year.. no, he's not my boyfriend any longer... she was someone he met on Craig' list that he sold furniture to ... probably gave it to her in exchange for sexual favors. All I know is that a real boyfriend doesn't give a strange his address to call 911 on a gf he's been with for 7 years. It's a little cold isn't it ? He said he was in the "middle"... middle of what? Strange v. 7 year GF? Link to post Share on other sites
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