Getting my stuff back, and other silly games my ex plays

[thegreatfuldead]

Back here again. Ex and me broke up awhile ago, 99% sure she cheated, used a bunch of things as an excuse. Will never admit it. On to the juicy tidbits of ex drama

The first couple months were arguing and fighting, her checking my social media, finding excuses and reasons to justify the breakup. Signs of her and the dude basically living together. Looks like they moved in together. Been just shy of three months. Good luck with that babe. 

Anyway. It’s settled down, we talk most days, just how are yous and are you okay. It never has an context worth mentioning. Normally leave eachother on read or dont respond a lot. We were best friends before we started dating. But I’ve taken a big step back being around and communicating. 

Asked for my stuff back twice now. Nothing has come from it, tried to give hers back. Each time lead to her saying it gave her anxiety. Asked me to lunch a couple days ago, we haven’t hung out one on one since the breakup. We both cancelled, me simply because I didn’t want to and whatever her excuse was. She even recently said me and her should hangout more. Would love to but seeing her is a whole wave of emotions  I’d rather not deal with. And normally the dude is following her around like a puppy dog. Woof. 

Any insight on why she is avoiding giving my stuff back? Or refusing to take hers? asking me to lunch and to hangout more? We’re civil, run in the same friend group, though I don’t trust her two shakes of a stick. Odd behavior. anyway; thanks guys. 

[Wiseman2]

In writing, express clearly and definitively how and when you are available to collect your stuff. Your stuff is your responsibility to get but her stuff is her responsibility.

Stop all the nonsense chitchatting and attempts to meet up rehash the relationship etc.

How important is the stuff? Why did you leave it behind?

Make sure the stuff thing is not some tug of war to keep the nonsense chitchatting up.

[thegreatfuldead]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

In writing, express clearly and definitively how and when you are available to collect your stuff. Your stuff is your responsibility to get but her stuff is her responsibility.

Stop all the nonsense chitchatting and attempts to meet up rehash the relationship etc.

How important is the stuff? Why did you leave it behind?

Make sure the stuff thing is not some tug of war to keep the nonsense chitchatting up.

She has a lot of clothes that belonged to my best friend. He passed away about a year and a half ago. 
I have clothes of hers that belonged to her ex from awhile ago. Also lost him 2 years ago. Hooray for trauma bonding. 

important stuff. None of the relationship gifts or things like that.

asked for lunch day to meet up or to just simply drop it off at my place and vice versa. Always is “yea that’s great we can eat and catch up” both times swept under the rug.  

Edited November 23, 2020 by thegreatfuldead

[Miss Spider]

Maybe it’s causing her anxiety because it feels awkward. I know it caused me a lot of anxiety to get stuff back from my ex because I thought he’d pull some drama. I’m not saying that is you. ( Is it though?)Perhaps she’s had experiences like that with past exes. Why  don’t you ask her to drop it off somewhere and vice versa

Edited November 23, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[ExpatInItaly]

35 minutes ago, thegreatfuldead said:

Any insight on why she is avoiding giving my stuff back? Or refusing to take hers? asking me to lunch and to hangout more? We’re civil, run in the same friend group, though I don’t trust her two shakes of a stick. Odd behavior. anyway; thanks guys. 

It's not odd for a cheater who's trying to keep their ex around as Plan B in case things go south with the new lover. It's par for the course with people like her, actually. 

She's attempting to play you and her new boyfriend for fools. Too freakin' bad if exchanging items "gives her anxiety." Drop her stuff off on her doorstep, tell her you expect to see yours by X-date and be done with it. There is zero reason to be talking most days and even less to meet for lunch or hang out at all. 

She can't play games if you stop engaging. You're as much a part of this as she is, and as flattering as it might feel to have her attention like this,  it's not worth it in the end. You can put an end to this if you really want to. It seems that you're not quite ready to, though - why is that?

[Miss Spider]

18 minutes ago, thegreatfuldead said:

She has a lot of clothes that belonged to my best friend. He passed away about a year and a half ago. 
I have clothes of hers that belonged to her ex from awhile ago. Also lost him 2 years ago. Hooray for trauma bonding. 

important stuff. None of the relationship gifts or things like that.

asked for lunch day to meet up or to just simply drop it off at my place and vice versa. Always is “yea that’s great we can eat and catch up” both times swept under the rug.  

Oops. Sorry just saw this. I guess it is more what expat said

[thegreatfuldead]

Just now, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Oops. Sorry just saw this. I guess it is more what expat said

No worries mate, I’d def ask myself the same thing if it were something else. 

[thegreatfuldead]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It's not odd for a cheater who's trying to keep their ex around as Plan B in case things go south with the new lover. It's par for the course with people like her, actually. 

She's attempting to play you and her new boyfriend for fools. Too freakin' bad if exchanging items "gives her anxiety." Drop her stuff off on her doorstep, tell her you expect to see yours by X-date and be done with it. There is zero reason to be talking most days and even less to meet for lunch or hang out at all. 

She can't play games if you stop engaging. You're as much a part of this as she is, and as flattering as it might feel to have her attention like this,  it's not worth it in the end. You can put an end to this if you really want to. It seems that you're not quite ready to, though - why is that?

Ehhh, though about doing that. But gated apartment community, code to get in sorta thing. And I removed myself off that when we split, left the keycard there. 
 

aye, you’re right about being responsible as much as she is. Just holding out for my stuff. And the fact we both legit run with the same group of friends (I mean we have mutual besties and we all hangout, all the time. Though right now I avoid it) makes it alittle difficult. Just focusing on myself and doing me. 
 

im not going back. And she doesn’t deserve me. There’s a lot of nasty things that went down while we were dating that were not okay. Do miss my friend. Same brain wavelength. Could legit read eachother without speaking. Now it’s just a dead battery. Sucks to suck

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, thegreatfuldead said:

im not going back. And she doesn’t deserve me. There’s a lot of nasty things that went down while we were dating that were not okay. Do miss my friend. Same brain wavelength. Could legit read eachother without speaking. Now it’s just a dead battery. Sucks to suck

How true is that really, though? 

There is a big disruption in wavelength and deep knowledge of each other if she is the type who cheats and you are not. Maybe you connected on other levels, but not on a fundamental one if she's capable of this sort of thing. 

I think you need to let go of the idea of who you thought she was, and start seeing the reality of who she actually is. 

[thegreatfuldead]

8 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How true is that really, though? 

There is a big disruption in wavelength and deep knowledge of each other if she is the type who cheats and you are not. Maybe you connected on other levels, but not on a fundamental one if she's capable of this sort of thing. 

I think you need to let go of the idea of who you thought she was, and start seeing the reality of who she actually is. 

This. 
quite fond of the idea of the person she was, or in my head, the way we used to be. 
this so hard. 

 

 

[Chilli]

That's pretty obvious the way you talked about it all so unneeded when all you want is a way to get your stuff , l agree with expat.

Stick her stuff in a box drop it off at her work , her mums , her friends hell her dogs kennel, anywhere, leave it out on your porch. Tell her it's there and to pick it up and to throw yours in a box and do the same.

Edited November 23, 2020 by Chilli

[ShyViolet]

You need to show up at her house at a time when you KNOW she's home, leave her stuff on her doorstep and say you're not leaving until she gives you your stuff.  Period.  And then after that stop this constant texting and hanging out.  You clearly sound bitter about the breakup and she sounds like she is playing games with you.  There's no reason for you to stay friends with her.  Get your stuff back and then cut ties with her.

[Wiseman2]

Do not just show up.  That is trespassing. Never seek out confrontation like that. .She can stay inside and call the police...and have you arrested, don't be a fool..

In some states in the US someone could legally shoot you for being on their property causing a confrontational disruption..

Do the legal thing and in writing, arrange a time to retrieve/exchange stuff. Be smart. 

[MsJayne]

In  my experience people hang on to an ex's stuff for one of two reasons, either they're clinging on to the hope that you'll get back together, or they're clinging on to something of value, like expensive electrical appliances or furniture, and hoping you'll eventually give up. Either way, if you want your stuff back just tell her what time you'll be there to collect your stuff and make sure you're there, and maybe take someone else for moral support. In the end, the person who will need the moral support will be the sucker who's puppy-dogging after her at the moment, because he's going to find out the hard way.