Tips for getting over ex MM at work

[Beca L]

1 hour ago, EvangelineVincent said:

So I guess the question is why are people married to people they aren’t in love with and cheat like there’s no tomorrow with zero accountability for their actions ? Why not divorce and give their partner the chance to be loved by someone that will be faithful ?

They don't divorce and start again because that takes guts and a real belief that they will be happier without their partner/w/h. They are cowards, self centred and self absorbed. They only have their own best interests at stake. They don't really want their partner to be happier, (otherwise they would leave like you suggested and allow their partner to move on) if they did they certainly wouldn't have cheated in the first place, would they?

I agree with @mark clemsonthere are a number of reasons. In my situation it was a mixture of 2 & 3 and even though he did actually leave he just couldn't go all they way. When the divorce was going through and the prospect of losing xW for good he decided to go back. In my case every step he made from leaving his W and having a relationship with me, to returning to her, the only person he was really thinking of was himself. Unfortunately both me and his W have allowed him to treat us they way he did, we were doormats. 

At least I'm out of it now and trying to get on with my life. 

[EvangelineVincent]

1 hour ago, Beca L said:

They don't divorce and start again because that takes guts and a real belief that they will be happier without their partner/w/h. They are cowards, self centred and self absorbed. They only have their own best interests at stake. They don't really want their partner to be happier, (otherwise they would leave like you suggested and allow their partner to move on) if they did they certainly wouldn't have cheated in the first place, would they?

I agree with @mark clemsonthere are a number of reasons. In my situation it was a mixture of 2 & 3 and even though he did actually leave he just couldn't go all they way. When the divorce was going through and the prospect of losing xW for good he decided to go back. In my case every step he made from leaving his W and having a relationship with me, to returning to her, the only person he was really thinking of was himself. Unfortunately both me and his W have allowed him to treat us they way he did, we were doormats. 

At least I'm out of it now and trying to get on with my life. 

These MM’s don’t deserve a minute of anyone’s time with the way they continue to cheat with no remorse. 
 

I’m hoping you have the strength to do what’s right by everyone involved. Staying clear of them. There’s nothing to be had from a guy that can’t be faithful and can’t be honest. You can always tell his wife what he has been up to continuing to contact you, or you can ignore him and tell him you’ll tell his wife if he reaches out again. If you even think of reaching out to him or taking him back in the future, just keep in mind that the facts are, he slept with two women while married and has no remorse, if he wanted out truly, he wouldn’t have chosen her a second time. Don’t buy his stories, let him sale them to someone else.

He should be in an open relationship where there’s no commitment and everyone is free to date whomever, instead of pretending he is faithful when he knows he can’t be.

I haven’t been exactly where you’ve been but, virtual hugs 🤗 to you. Take care of yourself and your mental health. 
 

 

[RebeccaR]

2 hours ago, EvangelineVincent said:

He should be in an open relationship where there’s no commitment and everyone is free to date whomever, instead of pretending he is faithful when he knows he can’t be.

If he was in an open relationship Beca would never have dated him, though. She wasn’t looking for polyamory, she wanted a regular relationship. The best lesson here is that until someone is 100% divorced, they’re still 100% married.

Edited November 28, 2020 by RebeccaR
typo

[elaine567]

11 hours ago, EvangelineVincent said:

He should be in an open relationship where there’s no commitment and everyone is free to date whomever, instead of pretending he is faithful when he knows he can’t be.

Most of these guys  are not in open relationships as they KNOW their wife would never agree.
They also don't want to get mixed up with polyamorous women and women who screw around, women who would be happy in an open arrangement.
They like "nice" women, vulnerable, weak women. Women who will fall in love with him,  women he can mould, not women who want an "arrangement".
The secret nature of the affair is also a huge turn on.
Affairs are not only about sex, sometimes there is a big  component that is about putting one over on the wife and that doesn't work if the wife knows about it and gives her permission.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Most of these guys  are not in open relationships as they KNOW their wife would never agree.

They KNOW their wife would never agree.
And, they are not interested in sharing their wife with another man. How many men have come on this site and said they would never want their wife if she was with another man. How many OW have said, “he doesn’t want me to date, even though I am single and he goes home to his wife every night.” Although, that is as much about power and control as it is about fidelity.

So, they find a nice woman and meet their needs - holding all the cards as they play out the game. 

I don’t think that I could stay at a job and see a man that I’ve had a relationship with and still have feelings for. If my anger could not do the trick, I would be looking for other work. 

Edited November 28, 2020 by BaileyB

[EvangelineVincent]

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Most of these guys  are not in open relationships as they KNOW their wife would never agree.
They also don't want to get mixed up with polyamorous women and women who screw around, women who would be happy in an open arrangement.
They like "nice" women, vulnerable, weak women. Women who will fall in love with him,  women he can mould, not women who want an "arrangement".
The secret nature of the affair is also a huge turn on.
Affairs are not only about sex, sometimes there is a big  component that is about putting one over on the wife and that doesn't work if the wife knows about it and gives her permission.

This is interesting, you mention things I hadn’t considered. 
 

The MM I was with said he wouldn’t mind if his wife was more carefree, he said she was too jealous and he’d love it if she could relax and have fun. He didn’t mention it being ok for her to have sex with other men though, but I think he himself wasn’t having full on sex with other women either. He just liked the attention, the flirting, the physical touch of a back rub or shoulder rub. The things that his wife didn’t want to do. I think he thought we could have a friendly and detached relationship consisting of just flirting, and physical touch that wasn’t too inappropriate in his mind. I was the one head over heels, he never let it get to actual sex until his last day at our job. Even afterwards he was freaked out and said he couldn’t believe that just happened.

I don’t know what to think 

[mark clemson]

^^ this doesn't shock me at all. There are varieties off MMs, just as there are varieties of OWs.

I agree with Elaine and Bailey that one reason many married APs (both sexes) don't suggest open marriages is that presumably they know or strongly feel their partner wouldn't accept it.

[Beca L]

4 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I don’t think that I could stay at a job and see a man that I’ve had a relationship with and still have feelings for. If my anger could not do the trick, I would be looking for other work. 

It is so very tough and excruciating at times so I'm sure that @SS2855 is going to find it such a struggle to move on and avoid him or keep contact to a minimum. It may be unbearable and she may well have to leave. I don't understand why my xmm hasn't left our place of work but then it is further confirmation to me of how selfish he is. I'm sure my xmm's W will not be happy that we still work together. Not only has he not left to make things easier for me but his own W must find it very tough knowing he is going to work every day and potentially seeing me. They only have their own interests at heart, having to find a new teaching job, away from his friends and the comfort of this role, he's heading for retirement so why would he ? Selfish, very selfish and no thoughts for the two women's hearts he has broken. 

I would recommend that she does try to leave if she really wants to forget and move on but I understand that to do that is not always possible. In my case I just try to imagine that he is not the person I fell for, my shiny bar of gold ended up tarnishing into a turd. 

[EvangelineVincent]

46 minutes ago, Beca L said:

 In my case I just try to imagine that he is not the person I fell for, my shiny bar of gold ended up tarnishing into a turd. 

🤣🤣😭  a turd for sure.

But you know, I’ve gained life experience. I mean, I thought I saw something in him worth having, I took a chance and fell on my face. It’s life. Now I know for sure it wasn’t meant to be. I left no shots I didn’t take, no regrets about what could have been, I fell in love and gave it a shot. 
 

[SS2855]

On 11/28/2020 at 1:51 PM, Beca L said:

It is so very tough and excruciating at times so I'm sure that @SS2855 is going to find it such a struggle to move on and avoid him or keep contact to a minimum. It may be unbearable and she may well have to leave. I don't understand why my xmm hasn't left our place of work but then it is further confirmation to me of how selfish he is. I'm sure my xmm's W will not be happy that we still work together. Not only has he not left to make things easier for me but his own W must find it very tough knowing he is going to work every day and potentially seeing me. They only have their own interests at heart, having to find a new teaching job, away from his friends and the comfort of this role, he's heading for retirement so why would he ? Selfish, very selfish and no thoughts for the two women's hearts he has broken. 

I would recommend that she does try to leave if she really wants to forget and move on but I understand that to do that is not always possible. In my case I just try to imagine that he is not the person I fell for, my shiny bar of gold ended up tarnishing into a turd. 

Thank you. Today is tough. I can’t leave my job at this time so seeking therapy to figure how to stay here at work and if it’s possible try to get well and detach.

[Birdies]

On 11/23/2020 at 12:08 PM, SS2855 said:

I know it’s never ever ever a good idea to get involved at work, married or not. I am looking for ways if they even exist for how to process a “break up” with a MM who is also a business partner of sorts (no financial ties just close working relationship). We both had the grown up talk last week and more or less decided to mutually end it. There was no end goal- we never planned to leave and be together in the 2 years of the relationship. We both discussed in detail what that reality would look like and it was not something that made sense for either of our families (I honestly can’t think of a scenario where it would work without a lot of harm done to others and us overcoming trust issues with one another- ugh I know). Admittedly he is committed to staying in his marriage and I’m getting out of mine. It was a good talk with honestly no hard feelings as it just is- no broken promises just the feelings hitting that limit where there was simply no longer anywhere to go. I’m heartbroken and crushed but trying to forge ahead, finalize my divorce and heal with some good therapy. Though this is all new I’m struggling with ways to get through it and I’m praying that it’s possible even with him still in my life due to work. My work is a huge part of my life and identity so I don’t want to leave. Is it possible in time get to a point in this working relationship where the feelings leave, or are easier to just look back on as a memory? The relationship was very physical and even more so emotional in depth (yes sure one can argue this but to us it was) so struggling how to move on.

I worked with my MM (we were also both married) and we found it impossible to cut things off.  It's just really tough when you still need to see the person.  We could never keep things only professional, and eventually had a massive terrible D-Day.  Ugh.  Do not recommend!  We are now happily married though.

My advice - DISENGAGE as much as you possibly can.  Only talk about work.  No texting.  No chatting.  No social events together.  And try to get out there and date once you're ready.

If there is any way to sever the professional relationship, that would be ideal.  Otherwise it's very difficult.

[Birdies]

On 11/26/2020 at 7:22 AM, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

Are you saying the affair is the wife's fault?

No, she's saying the MM are losers who constantly need a new girl to worship them, because they can't enjoy actual, sometimes boring love with their wives.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Or maybe the man is a dog and no matter how wonderful the wife is, he thinks he's entitled to more.

[Birdies]

That too, sure, whatever.  It definitely didn't read as blaming the wife.  It read as blaming the MM.

[SS2855]

14 hours ago, Birdies said:

I worked with my MM (we were also both married) and we found it impossible to cut things off.  It's just really tough when you still need to see the person.  We could never keep things only professional, and eventually had a massive terrible D-Day.  Ugh.  Do not recommend!  We are now happily married though.

My advice - DISENGAGE as much as you possibly can.  Only talk about work.  No texting.  No chatting.  No social events together.  And try to get out there and date once you're ready.

If there is any way to sever the professional relationship, that would be ideal.  Otherwise it's very difficult.

Thank you for the advice. So far it’s actually getting easier each day which even I’m surprised about. I think what’s uniquely helped me is that with COVID and no in office work or travel I’ve gotten use to seeing him very little in the last 9 months. We’ve almost been able to slowly have the flame burn out vs. a cold turkey low or no contact. We went from seeing and being with one another 3-4 days a week to getting used to seeing each other very little. Probably from this summer on things had slowed down considerably. The last 6 months were the most painful because I could feel things changing. The pining and obsessing were at an all time high and I was constantly watching my phone for a message-  at the risk of sounding over dramatic it felt like death by a thousand cuts. I ached and couldn’t stop crying. I love him. I still do. But with an official end just a couple weeks ago for the first time I feel some peace. No more waiting and hoping. Who knows my mindset could change (I pray not) but I’ve accepted the end of that piece of our relationship. I’m still sad and heartbroken, but no longer devastated. I miss him in that way so much, the terms of endearment, the songs, the lunch plans and fun things we’d do together. But when I find myself reminiscing I stop and change directions because I know that thinking will only leave me sad. I am likely not out of the woods yet but my self feels a normal I haven’t felt in a long time.  We still talk but stick to work matters though. I’m curious when I’ll see him next but more time that passes the better.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, SS2855 said:

. I think what’s uniquely helped me is that with COVID and no in office work or travel I’ve gotten use to seeing him very little in the last 9 months. 

Yes, this helps a great deal. It seems like you miss the idea of a relationship.

Especially with covid and people's overall sense of isolation.

Make sure you fill some voids. Reconnect with friends, family, neighbors, etc.

Get back involved in your own life, your own interests, hobbies, clubs, sports, groups,etc . Take some online courses for fun or professional advancement.

Take this time to reflect what you really want from life. Do you really want to be just some junk food/twinkie someone has hidden in the back of his office draw? Or do you want a respectful relationship for yourself?

[BourneWicked]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes, this helps a great deal. It seems like you miss the idea of a relationship.

Especially with covid and people's overall sense of isolation.

Make sure you fill some voids. Reconnect with friends, family, neighbors, etc.

Get back involved in your own life, your own interests, hobbies, clubs, sports, groups,etc . Take some online courses for fun or professional advancement.

Take this time to reflect what you really want from life. Do you really want to be just some junk food/twinkie someone has hidden in the back of his office draw? Or do you want a respectful relationship for yourself?

 

OP, similar office situation for me. These two points are huge. One-I have few, if any, deep connections with people who really understand me. That's something I obviously need to develop. Two- my final breaking point and the thought I keep coming back to, like the candy in the drawer comment - I am lower than the neighbor he texts about trash day or the person he sets a play date up with his kids with. Because those people he can talk openly to and about. The biggest thing.. maybe the only thing... keeping me going is this knowledge that anyway he reaches out is treating me as a second class citizen because he can't be up front about me. And at last, finally, I am no longer accepting of relationships that make me feel bad or less.