What are the reasons why someone would seperate instead of divorce?

[Mia12]

I'm kinda confused about legally seperating why would you not just divorce. Is it for people who want to work on their marriage? Or divorce could take a while so they legally seperate? 

[Wiseman2]

It depends on your jurisdiction. Some areas require a period of legal separation prior to filing for divorce 

Talk to an attorney or find out what the legalities are in your area. It has some financial and parenting related technicalities.

Legally separated is a prelude to divorce, not a door left open.

[basil67]

Yes, when I divorced, we had to have been separated for a year prior.

When the year was up, I didn't get around to applying for divorce because I couldn't be bothered.  I finally got around to it a few years later.

[Blind-Sided]

As @Wiseman2 said, some states (in the usa) have legal separation, and some don't.  I live in a state that does not.  BUT... I believe there was a minimum for a 90 day hold from time of filing, to the time the divorce could be granted. (as the separation period) 

But... @basil67... really?  After my exW went nutz, and I knew there was no resolving the issues... AND... after I found out she was spreading lies that I was an abusive man... and after I found out she went to the local abuse center for help... those final documents couldn't come fast enough.  I called my lawyer a few times asking if they received the final papers, and when they did... I dropped everything, and drove to their office to sign them.  The lawyer wanted to mail them to me, and me to mail them back. I told her that I didn't want that extra few days before it was final and legal. 

@Mia12 everyone is different.  For me, it couldn't come fast enough, even though, I wanted (originally) to try to work on the marriage.  Right now, I have 3 female friends that are in Divorce "Limbo".   Friend 1 has a man child husband, and they fight all the time.  She goes out with friends he doesn't like,  and it's not good for anyone involved.  I ask her why she doesn't just end it, and it's because of $$$.  If they split, then neither one could live they way they do now.  To me, that's a BS excuse.  It's just a hump you have to get over.

Friend 2... she cheated on her husband, and he found out.  They are no longer "Married" in their minds. They are room mates, and stay together "For the kids."   Here again... a BS excuse because they will eventually want to see other people, and then the real fighting will happen.  I haven't talked to her too much since COVID, but we are getting coffee this morning, and I will have an update to all this. 

Both of those friends were very helpful to me getting through the emotional parts of my divorce, and they watched it start to finish.  SO they know what it will take.  FYI... both were friends for +20 years, and knew me and my ex well.  

Friend 3... she got married because she loved her guy... but she knew they were growing apart even before they got married.  She has to do everything, and he was looking for a "Mom". She is tired of having to do everything for him, and is tired of talking to him about it.  She tells him what needs done, and he will be ok for a couple days... and then go back to "Who he actually is".  They have been married for less than a year... and she tells me she feels like a failure because of it.  I told her the failure was deciding to get married when she knew she should have actually broken up with him. (But she couldn't)  She literal has said to me... "You know how some people have babies to save a marriage? I thought getting married would save my relationship."   Now... she doesn't actually file because she doesn't want to loose her house, and she is scared that her dad will be mad.  I told her it won't be done, until she makes the announcement, and just does it. (like pulling off a band-aid)  They currently sleep in 2 separate rooms of the house, and she has told him she is done with the marriage. They have (more or less) lived separate lives for the last 6 months, and nether one will actually go file.  The don't have kids, and their finances are already separate.   Their car loans are in their own names, and they keep their own bank accounts.  They put money into a common account for household stuff.  In this story... this is the easiest to deal with.  They just have to figure out who gets what "Stuff" in the house, and who keeps the house.  Since they have paid on it for less than a year... there really isn't any equity in it... so there really wouldn't be a "Buyout" to either side.  

Anyway... there's 4 stories for you to reflect on. 

Edited November 24, 2020 by Blind-Sided

[basil67]

@blindsided, I may have been quicker about filing if my separation had been as acrimonious as yours.   In my case, we just got on with our lives. 

[trident_2020]

2 main reasons people separate without divorcing

a) Health insurance benefits

b) The cost of the divorce, and maintaining 2 separate households

 

 

[Harry Korsnes]

Mia!!!

What is it you want? This is your 3rd thread and your still not saying much as what you want. Im not tryning to be rude. 

[Mia12]

13 hours ago, basil67 said:

Yes, when I divorced, we had to have been separated for a year prior.

When the year was up, I didn't get around to applying for divorce because I couldn't be bothered.  I finally got around to it a few years later.

I'm not sure it is required here. I have several friends who none legally seperated but one is also not divorced yet 2yrs later because of money issues.

[Mia12]

9 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

As @Wiseman2 said, some states (in the usa) have legal separation, and some don't.  I live in a state that does not.  BUT... I believe there was a minimum for a 90 day hold from time of filing, to the time the divorce could be granted. (as the separation period) 

But... @basil67... really?  After my exW went nutz, and I knew there was no resolving the issues... AND... after I found out she was spreading lies that I was an abusive man... and after I found out she went to the local abuse center for help... those final documents couldn't come fast enough.  I called my lawyer a few times asking if they received the final papers, and when they did... I dropped everything, and drove to their office to sign them.  The lawyer wanted to mail them to me, and me to mail them back. I told her that I didn't want that extra few days before it was final and legal. 

@Mia12 everyone is different.  For me, it couldn't come fast enough, even though, I wanted (originally) to try to work on the marriage.  Right now, I have 3 female friends that are in Divorce "Limbo".   Friend 1 has a man child husband, and they fight all the time.  She goes out with friends he doesn't like,  and it's not good for anyone involved.  I ask her why she doesn't just end it, and it's because of $$$.  If they split, then neither one could live they way they do now.  To me, that's a BS excuse.  It's just a hump you have to get over.

Friend 2... she cheated on her husband, and he found out.  They are no longer "Married" in their minds. They are room mates, and stay together "For the kids."   Here again... a BS excuse because they will eventually want to see other people, and then the real fighting will happen.  I haven't talked to her too much since COVID, but we are getting coffee this morning, and I will have an update to all this. 

Both of those friends were very helpful to me getting through the emotional parts of my divorce, and they watched it start to finish.  SO they know what it will take.  FYI... both were friends for +20 years, and knew me and my ex well.  

Friend 3... she got married because she loved her guy... but she knew they were growing apart even before they got married.  She has to do everything, and he was looking for a "Mom". She is tired of having to do everything for him, and is tired of talking to him about it.  She tells him what needs done, and he will be ok for a couple days... and then go back to "Who he actually is".  They have been married for less than a year... and she tells me she feels like a failure because of it.  I told her the failure was deciding to get married when she knew she should have actually broken up with him. (But she couldn't)  She literal has said to me... "You know how some people have babies to save a marriage? I thought getting married would save my relationship."   Now... she doesn't actually file because she doesn't want to loose her house, and she is scared that her dad will be mad.  I told her it won't be done, until she makes the announcement, and just does it. (like pulling off a band-aid)  They currently sleep in 2 separate rooms of the house, and she has told him she is done with the marriage. They have (more or less) lived separate lives for the last 6 months, and nether one will actually go file.  The don't have kids, and their finances are already separate.   Their car loans are in their own names, and they keep their own bank accounts.  They put money into a common account for household stuff.  In this story... this is the easiest to deal with.  They just have to figure out who gets what "Stuff" in the house, and who keeps the house.  Since they have paid on it for less than a year... there really isn't any equity in it... so there really wouldn't be a "Buyout" to either side.  

Anyway... there's 4 stories for you to reflect on. 

Your friends sound very similar to things I'm going through a little of all of them. It pretty much is all bs excuses I think sometimes you get used to living like that and it seems like a lot of trouble. I will be 43 this yr and it's made me realize things are not getting better and I'm only getting older.

 

[Blind-Sided]

1 hour ago, Mia12 said:

Your friends sound very similar to things I'm going through a little of all of them. It pretty much is all bs excuses I think sometimes you get used to living like that and it seems like a lot of trouble. I will be 43 this yr and it's made me realize things are not getting better and I'm only getting older.

 

It's going to hurt for a while... but the sooner you act on it... the sooner you can have your freedom.   I was devastated when my wife switched gears, and said she didn't love me... and it took a long time to come to grips with it... but the healing cant start, and you can't rebuild until it's officially over.   You should act while you are still young enough to enjoy someone new. 

[dangerous]

On 11/24/2020 at 8:05 AM, basil67 said:

Yes, when I divorced, we had to have been separated for a year prior.

When the year was up, I didn't get around to applying for divorce because I couldn't be bothered.  I finally got around to it a few years later.

Same for me, I had to wait for 5 years, and now its 6 but I can't be bothered and spend the money! I've not seen or spoken to my (ex)wife for 4 years. If I met a new partner who I wanted to marry, that would focus me on getting divorced. Until then, I'm not bothered.

[learntofly]

On 11/24/2020 at 4:18 AM, Blind-Sided said:

 Friend 1 has a man child husband, and they fight all the time.  She goes out with friends he doesn't like,  and it's not good for anyone involved.  I ask her why she doesn't just end it, and it's because of $$$.  If they split, then neither one could live they way they do now.  To me, that's a BS excuse.  It's just a hump you have to get over.

Friend 2... she cheated on her husband, and he found out.  They are no longer "Married" in their minds. They are room mates, and stay together "For the kids."   Here again... a BS excuse because they will eventually want to see other people, and then the real fighting will happen.  I haven't talked to her too much since COVID, but we are getting coffee this morning, and I will have an update to all this. 

 

I think I'm stuck as a combo of these two.  Its not so much for me financially, its to be able to give the kids more by only paying for one household.

[5x5]

On 11/24/2020 at 4:40 PM, Mia12 said:

I'm kinda confused about legally seperating why would you not just divorce. Is it for people who want to work on their marriage? Or divorce could take a while so they legally seperate? 

I had no choice It was a legal requirement that I be separated for a minimum period of 12 months before divorce.

[ctdans]

Financial.  If there is no interest in getting married again to anyone (say you are older) what you do need to do is protect your finances.  If you remain married as is, you can be responsible for debt or have your credit ruined.  Divorce is more costly in the long run.  So a legal separation is less costly in the long run to protect your finance.