Extremely jealous and insecure?

[I'veseenbetterlol]

This made me feel extremely self conscious. My bf does call me beautiful, most beautiful woman etc. Today an former ex came up and he said she was so pretty that guys would do a second look (btw I never asked how attractive she was, his friend brought it up). Idk personally I think its absolutely unnecessary to say that to our partners and can lead to some hurt. Heck my ex was super attractive, but I never say that cause I don't think its nice. Opinions?

[basil67]

While he could have kept quiet about it, I don't think you should be feeling self conscious. He's with you and thinks you're gorgeous.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

While he could have kept quiet about it, I don't think you should be feeling self conscious. He's with you and thinks you're gorgeous.

 

I know, I know, but somehow it just irks me to no end.

[Contrariwise]

I personally would not volunteer that information, but if the person I was with asked specific questions like that about an ex, I would answer. There is no right way to answer it, though, haha. I always get a little jealous (sometimes a lot) when I hear that kind of information. I think it is natural. Just don't let if affect your relationship now. There is a reason he is with you and not her.

[ExpatInItaly]

That was a bone-headed comment on his part. What was the context of that conversation?

[I'veseenbetterlol]

I personally would not volunteer that information, but if the person I was with asked specific questions like that about an ex, I would answer. There is no right way to answer it, though, haha. I always get a little jealous (sometimes a lot) when I hear that kind of information. I think it is natural. Just don't let if affect your relationship now. There is a reason he is with you and not her.

 

I know he is w/me, but I never asked how hot she was lol. The point I'm making is I feel like that information doesn't add to anything useful. Plus I know if I said something like that, he would be none too happy about it.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

That was a bone-headed comment on his part. What was the context of that conversation?

 

Talking about past school life, his friend bringing up how much other guys liked her, then him making the comment.

[ExpatInItaly]

Talking about past school life' date=' his friend bringing up how much other guys liked her, then him making the comment.[/quote']

 

In browsing your previous threads, it seems insecurity is the underlying theme in this relationship.

 

Are you worried he's still into this ex?

[Contrariwise]

I know he is w/me' date=' but I never asked how hot she was lol. The point I'm making is I feel like that information doesn't add to anything useful. Plus I know if I said something like that, he would be none too happy about it.[/quote']

 

I didn't mean to suggest that you were asking for that information. I was just saying that in general, I would only say something like that if specifically asked. It sounds like the comment was prompted by a friend and he is not just saying this kind of stuff about his ex all the time?

[I'veseenbetterlol]

I didn't mean to suggest that you were asking for that information. I was just saying that in general, I would only say something like that if specifically asked. It sounds like the comment was prompted by a friend and he is not just saying this kind of stuff about his ex all the time?

 

He doesn't talk about it all the time. I'm a bit scarred by other guys I was dating, making me super insecure by constantly talking about other women or even giving compliments they never gave me.

[Contrariwise]

My thoughts are that you should just tell him that it makes you uncomfortable to hear that kind of stuff about his ex. Communication is everything, for better or worse. If he loves and respects you, he will consider your feelings about it.

[act00]

That was a bone-headed comment and I would feel jealous and insecure too, despite the fact he tells me I'm beautiful and compliments me. It's a normal reaction. Try not to let this become a "thing" in your relationship. It wasn't a comment that needed to be made unless, as another suggested, it was something that someone else asked or commented on. You two alone, after bumping into her? Really not a good thing to say. Sometimes people don't think and things slip out. Sometimes people don't even know where to draw that line, and you have to point out where that line is. They won't know to fix it if they don't know it's broken.

 

I had a guy talked a lot about his sexual history. It didn't bother me too much until it became constant, and I finally started asking him, "What makes you think I'm interested in the details of your past sex? I know you did it before me, but I don't need a play-by-play." Problem solved. The guy, to be honest, never seemed to have a "normal" dating relationship, so I think it didn't occur to him that this is information that doesn't need to be shared with the current GF.

 

I don't think you're being unreasonably jealous, but I do think you need to swallow this one and not take it personally. Unless he is constantly commenting on her to the point you feel he's comparing you to her or he's still hung up on her, take this as a stupid comment and a one-off. She's pretty, you both know it, and she turned heads. You probably turn a lot of heads too, of which he is aware. Bring it up to him when he makes comments like that, so he knows where the line is.

[Cookiesandough]

I don’t see anything wrong with it

[2much4]

You could turn it around and see it as a compliment. He has good taste in women! It's a bit stupid of him to mention his ex, but maybe this will make you feel better.

 

My boyfriends ex was super ugly. Like really ugly. And cheap. Seeing a picture of her made me doubt my own attractiveness. I wish she had been turning heads

 

Is this the same ex from your other post?

[viatori patuit]

Yes. This is a major turn off for guys for the most part. This type of behavior makes you look controlling.

[d0nnivain]

There's more than one attractive person in the world. Just because she is attractive doesn't mean you aren't or that he wants her back.

 

His friend is kind of a bone head for telling you what he said about his EX but maybe the friend is clueless or maybe the friend wants to stir up trouble.

 

Either way I think you need to simmer down.

 

In your past it upset you when EX-BFs talked about other women. You are attuned to that. Here your BF was kind to an EX but his buddy is the one who told you what your BF said. Your BF wasn't doing the comparing.

 

Find a way to let it go.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

So I adore my bf, but I am jealous of his past. I have only had one serious relationship previously (less then a year) and he had a long complicated relationship. I feel extremely insecure and paranoid that his ex will come back. I dated a couple guys who weren't over exes, including my 1st ex and that just made a lot of problems. He never talks to her or sees her, but it makes me upset to think how she had so much of his life. Btw after I broke up w/my ex, I cleaned my social media from top to bottom, I close all doors when I'm done w/someone.

[basil67]

You wrote on another post about being jealous of his free time https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/662414-i-didn-t-expect-get-so-jealous

 

I can't help but wonder if it's not so much jealousy which is your issue, but a general lack of relationship fulfilment which is showing itself via jealousy. And for what it's worth, a "complicated" relationship is nothing to be jealous of!

 

Regarding closing all doors when you're done with someone, not everyone does the same as you. Other people choose to not expunge all memories and this is perfectly acceptable too.

[d0nnivain]

There is no reason to be jealous of somebody's past dating history. Those relationships didn't work out for valid reasons. They are in the past. Most people have enough sense to leave EXs in the past.

 

That doesn't make the EXs bad people just bad / incompatible matches. You have a bad taste in your mouth from other men who went back to their EXs; do you see any other commonalities there? Were they still in touch with the EXs? Was it too soon after the break ups? Not all prior contact is a sign of renewed interest. My husband met my HS BF at our 25th HS reunion; they got along great so now we occasionally double date -- me & my husband & HS BF & his wife. Granted a LOT of time has passed. Business brings me into contact with 2 of my EXs. It's unavoidable. I even did a deal with one of them. I don't want him back but it was good money

[kendahke]

So I adore my bf' date=' but I am jealous of his past. I have only had one serious relationship previously (less then a year) and he had a long complicated relationship. I feel extremely insecure and paranoid that his ex will come back. I dated a couple guys who weren't over exes, including my 1st ex and that just made a lot of problems. He never talks to her or sees her, but it makes me upset to think how she had so much of his life. Btw after I broke up w/my ex, I cleaned my social media from top to bottom, I close all doors when I'm done w/someone.[/quote']

 

Not everyone expunges their ex's from their lives, especially depending upon how they broke up. Don't use your own yardstick of how you would do something to measure what others should be doing when all adults have free use of their will.

 

You've got two options: ruin the relationship you have by investing in your insecurity

 

or

 

talk to a therapist to get at the root of why you let your insecurities rule you to this extent--and pull that out once and for all. Otherwise, you will always poison your relationships by trying to make the guy own something that was always yours to carry, unpack, sort and resolve by now.

 

Here's the thing: what are you prepared to do if she does get in touch with him? Leave? Complain? Pout and not talk? What? No one can control what she decides to do. If he's not giving you any reason to believe that he will go behind your back and maintain communication with her, then you're attempting to make him own what your other ex's did and that's wrong.

Edited August 30, 2018 by kendahke

[Radarsat]

As someone who deals with massive insecurities myself, I can tell you this:

 

Work on you! As much as you would feel more confident and "safe" if he were more available to you or if he had a similar relationship past as yours, it isn't addressing your own inner unhappiness. I deal with it every day. And based on my own recent story, I've had a wake up call that I need to work on me. I'm not breaking up with my partner, but I need to address the broken record issues that keep popping up in my relationships. And that's all related to my own mind. And I would imagine yourself too. Build your confidence up by making more time for you, spend time with your friends, work on your living space more, find a hobby, spend a night to yourself watching a movie you always wanted to see, read a great book, and make him miss you! It's healthy and the self care you give yourself will make you feel great and will raise your own value you see in yourself. You'll then worry less about his past (which shouldn't be compared to yours imo) and you'll appreciate him and what you both have for each other much more. I hope you strongly consider this. It's hard. This is really know. All the best OP!

[PRW]

I feel extremely insecure and paranoid

Until you fix that you are going to wreck every situation you get in.

I dated a couple guys who weren't over exes, including my 1st ex and that just made a lot of problems.

People who "pine" over their Exs are insecure and obsessive people. Stop dating insecure people. When two insecure people date each other their insecurities go into a feedback loop with each other till it explodes. An insecure person dating a secure person is bad enough, but if they are both insecure it is a disaster.

[smackie9]

Oh dear what a horrible feeling to have. Maybe the timing just isn't right for you and should stay out of relationships for awhile for this to wear off. If a relationship gives you bad feelings, it's not whom you are dating, but you. You are not ready for him or anyone. I agre with the other poster...work on YOU, not your relationship.

[glows]

Does your bf ever reference his ex or talk about her around you? Does he keep any of her belongings or have you found anything accidentally at his place? What was the time gap between his break up and meeting someone new (you)?

 

I think those are valid questions and if he's irresponsible and his judgment in general cannot be trusted, you have bigger problems. I don't think in that case it is just about "working on you". Make sure he owns his past and is generally responsible and considerate.

[Gaeta]

So I adore my bf' date=' but I am jealous of his past. I have only had one serious relationship previously (less then a year) and he had a long complicated relationship. I feel extremely insecure and paranoid that his ex will come back. I dated a couple guys who weren't over exes, including my 1st ex and that just made a lot of problems. He never talks to her or sees her, but it makes me upset to think how she had so much of his life. Btw after I broke up w/my ex, I cleaned my social media from top to bottom, I close all doors when I'm done w/someone.[/quote']

 

 

I remember feeling like this when I was a young woman of 17 with no experience and dating my ex-h who had relationships and even a child with someone else. He was 3 years with his ex and I couldn't wait for us to last longer than 3 years to prove something to myself. I remember having a child at 21 with him because I couldn't wait to have 'our' child so I was connected that way with him just like his ex. It was all inexperience and lack of emotional maturity. I focused on the wrong things and neglected to judge our relationship for its true worth on the real important things.

 

 

 

I think you would benefit from some personal growth. You can obtain it through therapy or through serious reading. This won't go away on its own. You need to be pro-active.