I feel I made a mistake breaking up with my ex, four years ago.

[Happy Lemming]

42 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Just the assets I have so far.  Money I saved up.

"Any assets acquired before the marriage are considered separate property, and are owned only by that original owner."

Source: https://family.findlaw.com/marriage/what-s-mine-is-mine-what-s-yours-is-mine-who-owns-what-in.html

[Veronica73]

I don’t know. And I’m not going to read through all of that. But I got married without a pre-nup. And if you include my ex-husband‘s debts, then yeah, my assets were around $2 million in excess of what he had. And I chose to not have a prenup. When I got divorced my lawyer actually asked me why I didn’t get a prenup. He asked me if my family advised me to have one. So yeah, if some guy who didn’t have much, wanted a prenup in order to get married, then it would be an enormous red flag. I think it would be different now, because I am older and divorced, and anybody I ended up with now would likely have previous children. But if somebody who didn’t have much, when I didn’t have much, and we were talking about getting married and he wanted a prenup, I’d be out. Not saying I wouldn’t stay in a relationship with them, but I certainly wouldn’t consider marrying them. And I’m talking as someone who put my money where my mouth was. And I lost big. I basically bought a house for my ex. And I don’t regret it. I was in love and went all in and believed in it. It didn’t work and I paid my price. But it just didn’t work. I wasn’t looking for a parachute, and I don’t think anybody should be if they are considering marriage. Marriage is a huge deal and there is a lot more involved in it than money.,

 

I actually paid off all of his school loans and car loans and credit card debt when we got married. He made out big. And I don’t regret. Maybe it was dumb, but I don’t regret it. I loved him more than anyone on this earth. So, basically, I paid of all of his debt AND bought him a house. And I still don’t regret it because in general I don’t believe in getting married unless you are sure.

Edited December 15, 2020 by Veronica73
Just adding

[ironpony]

15 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

"Any assets acquired before the marriage are considered separate property, and are owned only by that original owner."

Source: https://family.findlaw.com/marriage/what-s-mine-is-mine-what-s-yours-is-mine-who-owns-what-in.html

But I was told I would have to get a prenup if I wanted to keep the assets before the marriage.

[ironpony]

6 minutes ago, Veronica73 said:

I don’t know. And I’m not going to read through all of that. But I got married without a pre-nup. And if you include my ex-husband‘s debts, then yeah, my assets were around $2 million in excess of what he had. And I chose to not have a prenup. When I got divorced my lawyer actually asked me why I didn’t get a prenup. He asked me if my family advised me to have one. So yeah, if some guy who didn’t have much, wanted a prenup in order to get married, then it would be an enormous red flag. I think it would be different now, because I am older and divorced, and anybody I ended up with now would likely have previous children. But if somebody who didn’t have much, when I didn’t have much, and we were talking about getting married and he wanted a prenup, I’d be out. Not saying I wouldn’t stay in a relationship with them, but I certainly wouldn’t consider marrying them. And I’m talking as someone who put my money where my mouth was. And I lost big. I basically bought a house for my ex. And I don’t regret it. I was in love and went all in and believed in it. It didn’t work and I paid my price. But it just didn’t work. I wasn’t looking for a parachute, and I don’t think anybody should be if they are considering marriage. Marriage is a huge deal and there is a lot more involved in it than money.,

 

I actually paid off all of his school loans and car loans and credit card debt when we got married. He made out big. And I don’t regret. Maybe it was dumb, but I don’t regret it. I loved him more than anyone on this earth.

But this is what I do not understand is that poorer people need prenups more than rich people, because rich people can afford to get married without one.  My ex said to me I am not Donald Trump when I asked her for a prenup.  But this didn't make sense to me because Donald Trump can afford to loose a lot and still have enough for himself in the end.  I wouldn't if it came to that.  So don't I need a prenup more than a rich person therefore?

[Happy Lemming]

4 minutes ago, ironpony said:

But I was told I would have to get a prenup if I wanted to keep the assets before the marriage.

Perhaps you should have consulted an attorney, prior to asking your girlfriend to sign one.

[ironpony]

I did consult an attorney prior, and that is what he said.

[Happy Lemming]

Just now, ironpony said:

I did consult an attorney prior, and that is what he said.

Did you pay this attorney to review your financial position and all of your assets (money saved up)??

[ironpony]

I paid him for his consultation of it, why?  He didn't actually physically look at the assets but I told him the assets in a meeting.

[Veronica73]

I don’t exactly understand this either, except that there is an enormous range between someone like Donald Trump, and somebody like me. $2 million is NOTHING compared to Donald Trump. And it is not anywhere enough for somebody for me to survive on. The interest/dividends on 2 million without digging into that principal isn’t huge. And that principal has been greatly decreased since getting divorced. Somebody who lives like Donald Trump can live indefinitely on the assets from the principal. Live the high life on those assets. And so to be honest, I don’t really understand why people like that are so set on prenups. It kind of seems like the decrease in money from a divorce would have little to no actual affect on how these people actually live. But I don’t think people like that actually care about that. But I don’t know what they actually care about. Their experience is soooo far away from my live experience. My actual life experience is affected. Greatly. And yet, I chose to not get a prenup. So if I wanted to and to live really frugally, before I got divorced, it wouldn’t be that hard to not have a job at all. I could have lived fairly comfortably on interest and dividends. Maybe not completely, but in a large part. Since getting divorced, that is not an option. I have to have a job. And I’m not whining about that, but I am just trying to point out what the differences you are asking about. There is an enormous difference between somebody like Donald Trump and somebody like me. And being who I am, in the financial situation I am, IF I WAS YOUNG WITH NO DEPENDENTS, somebody who wanted a prenup because he was able to buy a house would be a complete no-go for me. Nope. No interest. And lets make it clear, I have completely different values than the previous poster who retired early and has played the field and whatever else. I can’t remember his name right now. I absolutely put my money where my mouth is and I don’t regret it. Frankly that guy comes across as a bit of a sociopath. Even though I enjoy his posts and agree with some of what he says.

[Happy Lemming]

3 minutes ago, ironpony said:

I paid him for his consultation of it, why?  He didn't actually physically look at the assets but I told him the assets in a meeting.

Well, then you did the right thing (asking for a prenuptial agreement).  If the attorney suggested it, then it was the right move for your asset structure. If your ex-girlfriend considered it a "deal breaker" and left, then you have your answer and you "dodged a financial bullet".

No need to re-hash your decision, its in the past.

 

[Veronica73]

Just because somebody is opposed to a prenup doesn’t mean they are trying to take advantage of you.

Edited December 15, 2020 by Veronica73

[ironpony]

Well just so I know for next time is there such thing as a prenup that is good for both parties?  Or no, and it's only good for the one who wants one?

[Veronica73]

I don’t know. But I would guess there could be, if it was fairly agreed upon by both parties. But again, just to be clear, at least form my perspective, this isn’t even remotely nonpartisan. And I’m not saying this is the situation at all, but if some guy I was dating and was considering marrying, could afford to put down a down payment on a property and wanted a prenup over something is minuscule as that.... I would be so so out.

[Ruby Slippers]

A prenup assumes before it ever starts that it's going to fail - not the spirit most people want in a spouse. Marriage is a spiritual union where everything is merged. The Bible verse says: "Unto thee all my worldly goods I bequeath." If you're that worried about your money, why even get married? Just date forever and keep everything separate so you don't have any risk. 

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, Veronica73 said:

And lets make it clear, I have completely different values than the previous poster who retired early and has played the field and whatever else. I can’t remember his name right now. I absolutely put my money where my mouth is and I don’t regret it. Frankly that guy comes across as a bit of a sociopath. Even though I enjoy his posts and agree with some of what he says.

And I enjoy your posts, as well.

[ironpony]

Which poster comes off that way?

[Happy Lemming]

42 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Which poster comes off that way?

Veronica73 is describing me.

Although, I do not consider myself a sociopath. 

For the record, I've been called a lot worse. I've got thick skin, it doesn't bother me.

[Happy Lemming]

@ironpony Getting back on subject, I am glad to hear you sought the advice of a competent attorney.  When in doubt, always listen to your attorney.

I have a fantastic attorney that helps me when I having difficulty making certain decisions.  When in doubt, I'll defer to him & follow his advice. He has ALWAYS been right and protected me from making mistakes.  I sleep better at night knowing he has covered all the bases.

[Veronica73]

I agree that it is excellent to have a *good* attorney. But I strongly emphasize having a good one. When I got divorced I interviewed several. Two of them were Very highly rated and advised fighting for every single penny I was entitled to. I firmly believe that would have resulted in way more stress and way more money paid to the attorneys. It didn’t seem worth it to me. And I am very glad I didn’t go that way. And also, now I still have a deep friendship with my ex. I stayed true to my values and intentions when getting married. And didn’t make it all about the money. But I’m someone who doesn’t like throwing away people who are important to me.

 

Edited December 15, 2020 by Veronica73

[Veronica73]

But either way, it seems like something else is going on. This was FOUR! Years ago! That’s a pretty long time. Put it behind you. And maybe figure out why it is bothering you now.

[Happy Lemming]

3 hours ago, Veronica73 said:

This was FOUR! Years ago! That’s a pretty long time. Put it behind you.

100% Agree... Time to let go of this. 

[elaine567]

Basically, you madly saving up for the film, and being a cheap skate ruined it.
You didn't want to spend nor waste a dollar so you couldn't bear to spend any money on her and you even asked her for a prenup...

That film has essentially lost you both of your long term relationships...

[ironpony]

Oh well I did spend quite a fair amount of money on them in the relationship, I didn't think I was being cheap.  I spend on money on dinners and dates, and when the first gf there needed money for the dentist for example, I spend a couple of thousand on some surgery she needed to help her out.  So I didn't think I was being cheap.  I just don't want to give them all the money.  That's not bad of me, is it?

[Ruby Slippers]

Most people considering marriage want a partner who's ready to go all in and invest whatever they have into the marriage as one unit, not holding anything back. Perhaps you just haven't found the person you're ready to do that with yet. Or perhaps you'll never want to do that with anybody, like @Happy Lemming. It's your call.

[Happy Lemming]

18 minutes ago, ironpony said:

That's not bad of me, is it?

Different people look at money in different ways.  For me, I try to stay on a budget.  I spend all of my money on paper (for the month) in advance of that month and follow that budget.  If what I budgeted for "Travel and Entertainment" is not enough for the woman I am dating, then she is free to leave and find someone with a "bigger wallet".

Ultimately, if you felt you spent your "travel and entertainment" budget in a way that you thought was fair and equitable and your ex-girlfriend didn't see it that way, so be it.  I would never over spend my budget or go into debt to "please" a woman.  At that point, you just become a human ATM.