JJRF Posted November 25, 2020 Share Posted November 25, 2020 Everyday I become less sexually attracted to my wife. I am 37 and she is 29, we have been married for 5 years. We do not have kids together. When we first started dating and got married she used to take care of herself and keep her made up but now she doesn't seem to care. We both went through a rough patch where we gained weight.. I started having more serious health issues so I had to start taking care of myself more and I've lost about 25lbs... I tried to encourage as she also has some health issues but she just refuses to take care of herself. When we first dated she would dress up, always smell so good and just all the way around different. I've tried and tried to get her to be intimate with me but she just never wants to.. she blames her size or that she doesn't feel well all the time. I love her so much. She is funny, kind and great mother. I've tried and tried but I am honestly just getting so tired. I hate to be so cliche but I feel I have needs and have been catching myself admiring other women as time is going by.. I don't want this to be over, I am so frustrated and I am at a loss as to what to do.. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 25, 2020 Share Posted November 25, 2020 It's great you are taking care of yourself. However you need to back off on trying to fix her. Your nagging is definitely hurting the situation. Are you both working? Have you fallen into a rut? Shake things up without bragging about your weight loss or any inuendos about her weight. Do stuff. Get away from the TV,phones,screens,etc. Be exciting. Go for little car trips to take walks somewhere. If it continues, marriage therapy may help getting better communication going. Often, deminished sex is from problems outside the bedroom. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 25, 2020 Share Posted November 25, 2020 Can you clarify about kids? You said that you do not have kids together, and you also said she's a great mother. Was there a typo in here, or does she have kids from a previous relationship? Generally speaking, problems in the bedroom are frequently linked to problems outside the bedroom. You've mentioned hiccups in the marriage (I assume this is what you mean by a 'rough patch) weight gain, medical issues, not feeling well, not taking care of herself....now any of these could cause problems with her libido, and the more problems there are, the more complex the whole libido situation is going to be. Honestly, I think she needs to work through all this stuff with her doctor and a therapist. Try to figure out cause and effect in all of this. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted November 25, 2020 Share Posted November 25, 2020 Marriage counseling seems suitable here, because she does not want to listen to your concerns much less do anything about them. If that fails, then divorce is a good option. Some people get lazy and complacent once married, and stop doing the work needed to sustain the relationship. Others only made the effort to catch a mate, and no longer care once they have a meal ticket. You are certainly not a priority for her any longer. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted November 25, 2020 Share Posted November 25, 2020 I don't recommend that people divorce, but staying in a marriage where your needs aren't met isn't usually very fun. Some people stay anyhow and then we sometimes get them posting here lamenting their lost decades and wondering what to do now. So yes, get MC and work on the marriage so that your needs are met to a reasonable extent, and hers are too (assuming there's changes she would like). IF that doesn't pan out you'll need to consider other options. Link to post Share on other sites
Millennial Posted November 25, 2020 Share Posted November 25, 2020 Problem is that she sounds content. What you need is your own place so that you can go back there for a bit. A bit of a take away at least. Obviously you can't do that. Think you might have let things go too far tbh. Very low likelihood that you will significantly improve things within your current arrangement with the current person. If you don't see some serious motivation to improve things on her end within a short timeframe (say 6 months), then you should be out imo. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JJRF Posted November 26, 2020 Author Share Posted November 26, 2020 Thanks to all for your opinions. Its good to actually be able to be 100% honest without feeling judged. To add some clarification, we both had kids from previous relationships. Some of my frustrating things are not necessarily that she doesn't feel well or doesn't "feel" like it is the fact that if it's because of health (weight, high blood pressure, etc) is that nothing is done about it. I know I have my faults. I've been accused of being , stubborn, hard headed and demanding but these were not traits I hid from her while we dated or before we did. We've known each other as coworkers/friends before we even dated. To me is more like we know there are problems, let's get in there and fix them and with her I feel like I'm too tired, too sleepy, to anxious or idk is always the answer.. I've asked her about going to MC and she definitely is not open to it.. I am somewhat keeping my self together but the emotional on top of the sexual issues are becoming bigger and bigger, for me. I know I'm not a 10, lol, but I have always felt confident.. At times I've even questioned if maybe its just me! Or maybe she just isn't attracted to me anymore but won't say. I feel like I know the answer to what I need to do but I'm refusing to accept it. Feeling like a failure... Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted November 26, 2020 Share Posted November 26, 2020 Dead bedroom and "letting yourself go" haunt a lot of marriages. Perhaps you could be a little more plain-spoken about your concerns. Let her know the status quo will not work for you, but be prepared for push-back. You'll have to decide how far you want to push this, but being an incel while married sucks. Life is too short to go monk mode for too long. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted November 26, 2020 Share Posted November 26, 2020 What is your wife's social life like? Are there girls nights out? Shopping sprees? Weekend spa trips or vacations with girl friends? Is she involved in charity work like hospice, food drives, save the whales? Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted November 26, 2020 Share Posted November 26, 2020 Cut off affection and romance. When she asks, "What's wrong?!", that's your cue to explain it to her. When she is losing something like you are, perhaps then it will become her idea to really listen and change. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted December 2, 2020 Share Posted December 2, 2020 Firstly, I am not in your home, so I can only give advice from a woman's perspective If life has gotten busy, hectic, etc etc and she put on some weight, trust me, she knows about it. And I can bet 100% that she hates herself for it. It makes us women feel extremely insecure, and unless she had a really high sex drive before, the chances are being felt up (aka, you feeling rolls, smushiness, etc) or being seen without clothing is terrifying. If you have announced any displeasure to her about it, it will make it much worse. If she has felt you being not as interested, it will further drive her down. My suggestion: take over cooking (or ordering or whatever) and make healthy foods. Suggest fun activities that offer physical activity. Start REALLY small. If she feels you are doing this because you want her to lose weight, she might react negatively. It is a delicate balance, and really she will have to want to do the work for herself. Feeling like she is doing it for someone else will make her feel resentful. But overall, it sounds like she had some weight gain which lead to depression. Which kills all motivation. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts