Knowing your prospect's in-between relationships situation

[QuietRiot]

This may fall into another knowing someone's history post, but this is more real time if anything. I had reconnected with a female friend that I did go out with a couple of times (dating) in the past. I was attracted to her and she liked me, but it wasn't a good fit as we didn't have that much in common when it came to common interests and belief systems.

So we go together as friends one time, and this was probably shortly after the holidays a couple of years ago. Turns out she told me she had broken up with her boyfriend of 2 years and now is in transition, trying to figure things out.

I had asked her if she's currently dating at this point and she said she's still seeing the guy she's broken up with. I asked her, "Like a friends with benefits thing" she basically said yes to that. I thought to myself (wow, bullet dodged). The vibe I got from her that she's in a perpetual state of unhappiness when it comes to relationships. 

On Facebook, I saw that she had reconnected with her ex-husband, but it looked like it was more of a friendship thing, but who knows. 

Anyways, my point being, there are some people that when they are in-between relationships, they have casual encounters or friends with benefits or "situationships" (a new term I learned later) while searching for that long term relationship.

That said, when I find this out, that's kind of deal breaker for me...as this strikes me as a form of desperation. You know you have that friend that cannot be alone for a certain period of time as shortly after their break up, a couple of weeks later, they have a new boyfriend? To me, it's kind of like that.

[Fletch Lives]

Yes, people on the rebound ......recently broken up, people are often not ready for love with a new person again. But they can date and fool around, it's actually good for them - it takes their mind off the ex.

It's not good for you, however - you are wise to stay away from them.

[QuietRiot]

1 hour ago, Fletch Lives said:

Yes, people on the rebound ......recently broken up, people are often not ready for love with a new person again. But they can date and fool around, it's actually good for them - it takes their mind off the ex.

It's not good for you, however - you are wise to stay away from them.

Right, but I have known relationships to blossom, fully, when that guy "friend" helped a female friend get them through their divorce.  There's this couple that's probably been together for over 10 years. Apparently, she was an abuse victim, and he was that friend that was there for her.

One day they were celebrating their anniversary, and she poured out her soul their "how we met story", it mirrored what this subject is about. When something romantic blossoms, when one is going through transition or divorce in her case.

She was like 'He has been with me through tough times and through my divorce" etc etc.  

Was it a rebound turned into something genuine?  That's just an example of many people where a rebound turned into something true and valuable and of course, the 2nd marriage. 

[_lovelycat_]

QuietRiot, I might be wrong , but it seems to me you have not yet made your final decision on how to proceed with this lady friend. On one hand, you think she might not be ready for a new relationship and it worries you. On the other hand, you know examples when people on the rebound rebounded  into a blossoming relationship quickly and fully. 

Like your lady friend, I am on friendly terms with my ex-husband. I also stay in touch with most of my exes. I do not have many of them so it is not difficult to do. I do not like to be alone when I am in-between relationships. I am very selective when it comes to meeting new men, and ONS is not my cup of tea. Given all those things, after a breakup, I usually contact one of my exes (those who are single at that point in time) and have a situationship with him . To be fair to them, I ensure they understand I do not try to rebuilt a relationship with them.

In general, I believe I can identify with your lady friend to some extent. 

I am not sure I understand why you think dating exes is a form of a desperation. Also...What made you to believe that she is in a perpetual state of unhappiness when it comes to relationships?   Please, enlighten me. 🙂

[_lovelycat_]

I do believe that a situationship that was created with the purpose to go through a rebound may blossom into a genuine relationship, especially when the person on rebound did not know what s/he wanted from a relationship when s/he entered the relationship with ex. Often the person chosen for  the rebound period has many opposite characteristics when they are compared to the ex's characteristics.  To illustrate, in your example, the ex husband and the new partner of the woman are opposites of each other. It probably won't to be far from truth to say that the woman did not know what she wanted in terms of a relationship when she met her now ex-husband. Her marriage taught her to appreciate patience, emotional intelligence  and caring in men. Her new partner showed to her that he had all those valuable qualities and she has chosen him.  

[Fletch Lives]

19 hours ago, QuietRiot said:

Right, but I have known relationships to blossom, fully, when that guy "friend" helped a female friend get them through their divorce.  There's this couple that's probably been together for over 10 years. Apparently, she was an abuse victim, and he was that friend that was there for her.

One day they were celebrating their anniversary, and she poured out her soul their "how we met story", it mirrored what this subject is about. When something romantic blossoms, when one is going through transition or divorce in her case.

She was like 'He has been with me through tough times and through my divorce" etc etc.  

Was it a rebound turned into something genuine?  That's just an example of many people where a rebound turned into something true and valuable and of course, the 2nd marriage. 

Sure, some people don't seem to go on the rebound, and/or sometimes people fresh out of a relationship do find a relationship soon without issues.

However, a very large percentage don't, and will drop you and break your heart any moment. It's just risky. 

Just as you are not going to win the lotto, you probably won't get a happy long term relationship with someone who's on the rebound and not ready. But people are naive about relationships and like to bet against the odds. I would not do it.

[SumGuy]

5 hours ago, Fletch Lives said:

Sure, some people don't seem to go on the rebound, and/or sometimes people fresh out of a relationship do find a relationship soon without issues.

However, a very large percentage don't, and will drop you and break your heart any moment. It's just risky. 

Just as you are not going to win the lotto, you probably won't get a happy long term relationship with someone who's on the rebound and not ready. But people are naive about relationships and like to bet against the odds. I would not do it.

It may have to do with your level of risk aversion and how you get involved with someone.

Although I tend to think I am pretty risk averse, compared to most I am not.  No risk, no reward.  I sure have lost against the odds but also won.

Also, I don't start dating someone if I am not really in to them, that they may or may not be on the rebound is simply a data point to keep my eyes open.  Sure the risk is greater than someone else, but I'm not shopping for cars...if I am into her will give it a chance.  It's not like there is any due date for a having a relationship in my book.

Now if she is still seeing/sleeping with someone else even on the semi-regular that is a no go in my book.  To me that says you are already in a relationship, even if from my end it is a pretty anemic one. 

[Chilli]

 

l don't blame ya that would turn me right off too.  No respect for these weak needy types that can't be alone or go without 5mins.

[FMW]

She said she's going through a transition and trying to figure things out.  I don't think it makes her weak or needy that she doesn't chose to be celibate or have no contact with men.

I think it DOES mean she most likely isn't a good prospect for a real relationship right now. 

[Wiseman2]

It's best to steer clear of people in an "it's complicated" situation..

[basil67]

On 11/25/2020 at 11:21 PM, QuietRiot said:

 

Anyways, my point being, there are some people that when they are in-between relationships, they have casual encounters or friends with benefits or "situationships" (a new term I learned later) while searching for that long term relationship.

That said, when I find this out, that's kind of deal breaker for me...as this strikes me as a form of desperation. You know you have that friend that cannot be alone for a certain period of time as shortly after their break up, a couple of weeks later, they have a new boyfriend? To me, it's kind of like that.

Except it’s not like they have a new boyfriend.  Rather both parties have an arrangement that they are not partners but happy to hang out and meet some needs while there’s nobody else.

[Chilli]

17 hours ago, FMW said:

She said she's going through a transition and trying to figure things out.  I don't think it makes her weak or needy that she doesn't chose to be celibate or have no contact with men.

I think it DOES mean she most likely isn't a good prospect for a real relationship right now. 

Couldn't disagree more , l'd be steering well clear.

[SumGuy]

10 hours ago, basil67 said:

Except it’s not like they have a new boyfriend.  Rather both parties have an arrangement that they are not partners but happy to hang out and meet some needs while there’s nobody else.

True.  Although I call such an arrangement a relationship, it may be a very thin one and physical only, but still one in my book and a no go.    Now if she had this arrangement and it ended before she started dating, then no problem.  Otherwise isn't it just a form of monkey branching?

[QuietRiot]

26 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

True.  Although I call such an arrangement a relationship, it may be a very thin one and physical only, but still one in my book and a no go.    Now if she had this arrangement and it ended before she started dating, then no problem.  Otherwise isn't it just a form of monkey branching?

The bolded..yes, a very good point. I mean, if you're a dating prospect, and she let slip that she's still sleeping with the newly ex-boyfriend (still on good terms, obviously)...that would be a turn off.

[SumGuy]

12 minutes ago, QuietRiot said:

The bolded..yes, a very good point. I mean, if you're a dating prospect, and she let slip that she's still sleeping with the newly ex-boyfriend (still on good terms, obviously)...that would be a turn off.

That is my thought.  It is not like this person is really an ex it is just they have transitioned from an exclusive to non-exclusive relationship. Just because he is no longer officially a "boyfriend" as if that makes it all no-thing elevates form or function in my view.  If she is still sleeping with him, then she is still seeing him...just less that before I guess.

Not that there is anything wrong or off with her, just realize you would be entering a non-exclusive relationship at least initially.   Some are more than fine with that, and may prefer it if they are also just looking for a FWB or a few night stands.  It is just a no go for me.

[central]

In the short term, I don't care if I just want to have fun.  If I'm looking for something serious, then this behavior matters, and I would avoid someone with overly close ties to exes or a pattern of returning to exes.

[Cookiesandough]

She’s not a viable prospect. I have the same advice for men in friendzone as I have for women in sexonlyzone, viz., there is only like 1% chance for social mobility, so count your losses and gtfo. 

[QuietRiot]

13 hours ago, SumGuy said:

That is my thought.  It is not like this person is really an ex it is just they have transitioned from an exclusive to non-exclusive relationship. Just because he is no longer officially a "boyfriend" as if that makes it all no-thing elevates form or function in my view.  If she is still sleeping with him, then she is still seeing him...just less that before I guess.

Not that there is anything wrong or off with her, just realize you would be entering a non-exclusive relationship at least initially.   Some are more than fine with that, and may prefer it if they are also just looking for a FWB or a few night stands.  It is just a no go for me.

 

OH, this reminded me of a woman that is a single mom that's in a "situationship" with a single dad. I was wanting to ask her out, so I asked her if she had a boyfriend, and she replies, "I have a good 'man friend' (man friend? lol) I see on occasion, we both have kids, so we make them priority". So basically both sets of kids take up so much of their time, that even if they do get a chance to see each other...it's just for nookie probably.

I probed a bit more, asking if she's open to seeing other people, not that I was interested, but I was curious about her response as it was veering into the bizarre, and she says she's fine with the arrangement she has.

So...she's loyal to her "man friend".  Hm..."man" friend vs. "boy" friend. Just interesting the verbiage people try to use. lol

It's interesting hearing how some people flounder for words, trying to describe whatever situation they are in with someone, being it romantic or NON-romantic.  

Edited November 28, 2020 by QuietRiot

[FMW]

2 hours ago, QuietRiot said:

It's interesting hearing how some people flounder for words, trying to describe whatever situation they are in with someone, being it romantic or NON-romantic. 

I've been seeing a guy for over a year and our relationship is very close and we're not seeing others, but I'm 55, he's 56 - I don't call him my boyfriend, that seems silly at our age.  I also don't like "man friend", that sounds like something my grandma would have said.  So choice of titles isn't always just about the relationship itself.

Also, even if a relationship isn't serious, I don't think it's unusual to be exclusive and not be open to seeing others if both parties are happy with whatever the relationship or situationship they have is.  Not everyone wants a full blown relationship, but that doesn't meant they are sleeping around or even dating others.  I had an exclusive FWB relationship for a year,  we agreed if either of us met someone we wanted to pursue something with we would end it, but in the meantime we agreed to be exclusive.  Neither of us were looking for a relationship at that point and it worked out well for both of us.

Relationships or situationships or whatever you want to call them come in all different varieties.  If you don't like someone else's choices, just don't get involved with them.  If you feel the need to analyze or judge them, they simply aren't for you, do both of you a favor and move along.      

ETA- although I quoted QuietRiot, my response was about the thread as a whole, not just that comment.

Edited November 28, 2020 by FMW

[SumGuy]

5 hours ago, QuietRiot said:

...

It's interesting hearing how some people flounder for words, trying to describe whatever situation they are in with someone, being it romantic or NON-romantic.  

Well in matters of the heart, people try to find the right word.   Words convey meaning but more so connotation and create expectations (both in our selves and others).  In the realm of relationships I think we need more words, like the Inuit peoples have many words for snow.   My girlfriend balked (maybe still balks  ) at boyfriend-girlfriend.  Has connotations for her that perhaps does not have for me (besides the basic contours of exclusivity, holidays, etc. that we agree on)...guess where you grow up and one's style of attachment.

In the end, I don't care what things are called, it is how they function.  Boyfriend-girlfriend seems like a good short hand, but not enough and yes being older (50+) may seem odd as reside in society where boyfriend-girlfriend was when you are young and in school....later you get married...then...our relationship words have yet to catch up. 

When people struggle for words in these situation I believe they are trying to do the situation, relationship justice...trying to find that right word that wraps up all the technical specifications. :)