Double down diary reading extravaganza

[forlornrabbit]

I do not know where to start this because this is not your typical post. (Or maybe it is and I haven't used the search feature enough on this forum to find out?) I'm just going to go stream of consciousness on this thread because I need to get this out.

About 5-6 years ago, at freshly 30 years old, I met a man on an online dating site after being single (and looking and having a horrible time) for about 6 years. I will call him B... because why not?  B and I send several long messages back and forth and eventually exchange phone numbers where talked for a long time via text and I enjoyed our conversations.  I learned that B was a recent widower so I did not press him on the idea of meeting in person because of that. Eventually he adds me on Facebook and our text conversations aren't as often- maybe weekly or every other week- but I can see that he is busy with his teenage son because of the pictures he would post of them at sporting events, birthday parties etc.

One night B went to a concert that was not too far from my home- my female friend and I were supposed to attend this concert but she got held late up at work so we just went out together for drinks.  I texted B and asked if he would like to meet up with us since he was less than 10 blocks away and we all had drinks together. Everything was a good time except B kept bringing up how he had been distant with me because he was in a relationship for a little while with a very controlling/unstable woman.  He recounted details about how she had deleted all the numbers of his female friends from his phone, removed his female friends on Facebook, keyed his car, etc.  He made it sound like this relationship was long over.  B and I made plans to meet the next week for dinner. The next week B texts me and informs me that we cannot meet for dinner because he is back in a relationship with this woman. I tell him that I do not want any contact with him as along as he is in this relationship that he had clearly specified to me was unhealthy and abusive.

Over a month goes by before I hear from him again. When I do he informs me that the woman was cheating on him the entire time (big surprise!) and that she had run off to be in a relationship with a some artist so she could ride his coattails for free tattoos, concert tickets, etc. After talking for a little while we finally go on a few dates, we get along, we tell each other funny stories and do funny/magical dates and he asks me to be his girlfriend.  It seemed a bit early to be defining the relationship so I told him to wait a full month and we would revisit that idea if we were still seeing each other.

I lived about 50 minutes to an hour away from him- and remember, he had a teenage son so we saw each other maybe 3 days/week depending on our work schedules. Sometimes I would drive to his home and make the two of them dinner before B was to go to work a night shift.  All seemed okay except for his extreme drinking. B was drinking a lot in the beginning and passing out or drinking a lot and starting a non-sense fight with me. At the time, I had a large male roommate so if B started screaming at me I would generally try to calm him down so my bouncer roommate didn't come in and throw B out of our apartment forcefully. It never escalated to that point. The fighting was literal nonsense incoherent bulls*** where B would contradict himself constantly or accuse me of things that didn't make any sense. I was never in fear he would hit me or anything. I just knew not to engage in this fighting- sidenote: although my father does not have an alcohol problem, I am very familiar with my mom "fighting" with my dad after he has had too much to drink after a holiday party. It is stupid to try and reason with someone who is that far gone. The next day was he would always address it, apologize and say he was going to work on himself- etc, etc.  The man had recently lost his wife and I had my own traumatic losses and experiences that took place semi-recently too- it was part of the reason I think we "worked" so well- there was a lot to relate to. It wasn't long before he got the binge drinking under control with only a few overindulgences here and there (a birthday party, a bartender friend offering him a shot, drinking a beer that was faaaar stronger than he expected) that repeated the exact same pattern. The instances got further and further apart and eventually he quit drinking altogether.

After a year I received a promotion at my job, my lease in my apartment with my roommate was up and I needed to move closer to work. I asked B if he and his son would like to move into a house I was considering purchasing near my workplace. If he had felt it was too early or too much disruption for his son (who was about to start high school) I would have rented a cheap apartment near my workplace and put buying a home off for another year or so. The timing was right for his son to start off in a better/safer high school and B agreed to move into the home I purchased and help out by splitting bills/mortgage.  This financially benefited both of us and the house was really nice.  I thought things were on the right path with us.  B had written me several letters during this time while he was working the night shift- I would wake up to emails where he would talk about our future plans and how we would save money for experiences together, travel and eventually marriage.

At this point everyone that is still reading is wondering where the other shoe drops...
- About 3 years into us living together I, on a whim, google a username he uses and I find a forum where he admits the entire beginning of our relationship he was in a violent sexual relationship with the coattail-riding-woman behind my (and the artist I mentioned up there's) back. Time that I thought he was spending with his son he was with this woman. He would write asking for advice on how to get her to be with just him. He would talk about how attractive she was and how amazing the sex was. If he mentioned me he would call me unattractive, mentally unstable, weird and a space-filler that he just assumed was cheating too (I wasn't.)  I confronted him about this and at first he lied and tried to deny it but eventually came clean within the next 10 minutes. There was so much damning evidence. So much. And I read it all over and over again torturing myself. It was like I let myself ride too high all these years- I needed to bring myself back down... and then bury myself... and then dance on my own grave.  Things got dark and I didn't know how to work through it- I was luckily in therapy at the time so... that's where I went to talk about it. I didn't have many close friends to confide in- most of my friends were work-friends and I was now their boss and something like this would have been entirely inappropriate to bring up. I demanded that B go to therapy too but his insurance didn't cover it and each session was $100+ and he didn't find a therapist that clicked. We focused on getting his son through school. I focused on making sure shopping was done, meals were cooked and every day life went smoothly. I never wanted children of my own but I was happy I found a partner who already had a child. I had a sense of purpose that I didn't have when I lived alone and was searching for a partner. I was 4 years deep into a relationship with a man who had hidden a big secret from me and I had had no idea I was betrayed.
- The forum also documented the end of their relationship and a quick rekindling one time affair he had behind my back right before we moved in together.  About a 8 months into our relationship.
- Later I found this forum here (hello all!) where he also posted. He wrote that he was unhappy about our sex life... a topic he never brought up to me in any sober capacity. He bragged about his ex being super attractive and noted often that I was beneath him in the looks category. He wrote that I have no friends and the few that I did were beneath me... therefore being far beneath his superior self. He fixated on words or phrases I had said in texts or in the bedroom and god love some of you here you really tried to have my back (despite the fact you had no idea who I was) and I cried at the kindness/compassion of some of your responses. I mean, most of you are gone now since these posts are YEARS old now. I also bristled at more than a few- especially those who told B to continue to cheat. You know what?  Cool story to you guys- I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors, I truly do... so one day when you're deeply in love with someone and the realization of how bad that person can hurt you with just a slight betrayal creeps into the back of your brain I want you to remember... you're so cool... 😘  best of luck! (I'm done ranting to my nonexistent peanut gallery now.)
- Also in this forum, B wrote that he had read my diary and devised that a list I had in the back was a list of men I had had sex with and that I was more sexual with them and that some of them (because he looked them up on Facebook) were old men. Umm... I was never with anyone older than B. Ever. Our age gap is 5.5 years. This list was a list of boys I kissed going back to my first kiss ever. The flip side is a list of boys I was in a relationship with including dates for example "Justin T:  May 1, 1997-June 6, 1997" making me 12 at the time... I was not having sex that early. It was not something I was keeping up to date and it had about 45 people on it. I cannot remember if these were "french kisses" or just regular kiss-kisses. I'm going to be honest, he got what he deserved reading that and torturing himself mentally about it. I'm not even mad as I used to be semi-internet relevant for an online journal I wrote back in 2000-2002... big brags, I know! I was always very open about my journaling and life and if you've seen "Mortified Nation" on Netflix... I'm not personally in it but the words coming out of the "adults [who] share awkward childhood moments in front of strangers" are very, very close to the things I wrote when I didn't understand myself, my friends, my sexuality... anything. These paper journals go back to 4th grade. And he read them... and that's entirely his own fault.
- I feel the need to also mention that the woman he was with was actually severely unstable. It wasn't a case of just, "Oh that's my crazy exgirlfriend!" I am actually in a documented court case with (surprise!) the artist and a bunch of other people for the harassment/threats she sent me when B and I first started our relationship. I have voicemails, screenshots of texts, pictures of guns and phone records of calls that went on for about a year. The court case involves her exhusband and his new wife too. She's supposed to have a drug/psych evaluation or else she would lose custody of her children... she left the state and moved across the country instead of facing and of the charges. I could go into more detail but this post really isn't about her... she really was/is crazy and hopefully will never come back. It's crazy that when I was going through all of that I had no idea of B's role.
- Lastly, I don't know how to get myself back after all of these blows.  When I found out it felt stupid to end my relationship over things that happened 4 years prior to my discovering it- via snooping.  How am I any better than the man that read my diary?  Was B a changed man who worked on himself?  I don't know.  I was clueless this was all going on back then but I'm pretty aware of his time now and don't think he'd have the ability to continue something like this now since we live together. There's a part of me that looks back at that time and thinks how do I continue on and respect myself after all of this? And I still don't have the answers for that. Therapy told me that in order to move forward I had to find ways to forgive... I'm not sure I buy into that.  I needed time to process and time to understand why.  The only person I want to forgive (and honestly I probably never will) is myself. 

I just needed somewhere I could get this all out and obviously I can't use an IRL journal because he'd read it (jokes, I got 'em.) If anyone reads this... this was incredibly personal and hard to write... thanks. 

"If you read someone else's diary, you get what you deserve." - David Sedaris

Edited November 25, 2020 by forlornrabbit

[mark clemson]

Ok - IMO this relationship sounds highly dysfunctional.

I wouldn't put yourself through TOO much guilt over the online reading - it's how you discovered him cheating on you.

I think it's likely he was trauma-bonded to this crazy ex of his, which would explain his neediness for her. However, that's really NOT an excuse for what he did.

I think you should walk away from this and look for something healthier (probably significantly healthier) without the baggage that both of you have created.

 

Edited November 25, 2020 by mark clemson

[schlumpy]

He was certainly honest within the forum he was posting in. He did treat you like filler between his real love interests. 

I guess you were so much in love you overlooked it.

Is he, in your opinion, correct in insinuating that he is more attractive then you deserve? That's quite shallow on his part. I have a hard time picturing from what you have written any positive characteristics that would be attractive.

Was there anything else about him that was really substantial except that he was hot? 

[forlornrabbit]

38 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

He was certainly honest within the forum he was posting in. He did treat you like filler between his real love interests. 

I guess you were so much in love you overlooked it.

Is he, in your opinion, correct in insinuating that he is more attractive then you deserve? That's quite shallow on his part. I have a hard time picturing from what you have written any positive characteristics that would be attractive.

Was there anything else about him that was really substantial except that he was hot? 

The statements about me were not always true.  The details he posted about others were sometimes skewed as well. Also there was only one "love interest."

No one has ever chased me out of their village with torches.  My opinion about my own looks is an awkward thing to judge.  I have never believed I was unattractive before right now my self esteem has taken a bit of hit due to all of the things I have read but I'm not a troll.  I am fit, look much younger than my age and I have never had any trouble meeting men before.  I have a good job and have always taken care of myself.  I agree that it was shallow on his part and when I asked him about it now he says he was crazy and didn't mean it.  I always thought we were well matched looks-wise and strangers have told us we made a cute couple.

I have been with him for 6 years so obviously there was a lot more than the "hotness."  Some of it I mentioned in my posting above.  We have a lot in common and both lost someone suddenly who was young unexpectedly.  He's a good father to his son who also lives with us full-time.  He's funny and gets my offbeat sense of humor.  He doesn't mind being the butt of jokes if his son and I gang up on him over something strange he may have done or said.  I felt like from the moment we met that we were supposed to be together and that's what breaks my heart so badly... he apparently didn't feel the same way.

I hope that answered your questions fully.

[Wiseman2]

It seems journalling is a good outlet for you. Did your therapist recommend that?

Make sure your journalling is kept private and used as a tool for stress relief and insight.

[Fletch Lives]

Ok, you were cheated on.

I gather from your post that he has broken off the relationship with the other woman and stopped cheating?

If so, you have to see if you can get over it and want to stay with him. If you do stay, it will take some time to get over it....perhaps a year, at least. Counseling would help.

Some people can get over cheating, others can't - you'll just have to see what type you are.

[forlornrabbit]

2 hours ago, Fletch Lives said:

I gather from your post that he has broken off the relationship with the other woman and stopped cheating?

Yes. Their physical relationship lasted about 1 month overlapping with my relationship with him. About 6 months (on and off) of texting/phone calls where they were either fighting viciously or plotting to reunite. And 6 months into our relationship they met up and had sex which he also posted about how she had ruined her looks and started ranting psychobabble so he never spoke to her again. What he said to me was he realized he had made a mistake going to see her and blocked her immediately. Neither outcome makes me feel any better about myself. There were a lot of steps to get to that vagina to cheat and he had to think of me and the damage it would cause throughout several of those steps. Either way I know the blocking is true because when I had my phone records pulled for the court case we ordered his too. There were 3 phone calls around the time of the affair and then no more (with the exception of a random one about a year ago where she was begging for help because she had been kidnapped by a prince or something? I think she was just calling anyone for any kind of attention. Seriously, the girl is cray...)

Anyway, I don’t know if I am someone who can get past the cheating. I have known about it for a long time now... maybe 2 years- the post above wasn’t about me just finding out. I had just found out about the diary reading- which I’m not sure entirely comes across in my post but I kind of find hilarious he did that to himself. Most days I don’t think about the cheating. Then sometimes I start to feel slightly insecure and I will reread all of the posts again just to hurt myself further. It’s almost like I want to remind myself that I do not deserve something that is “all good.” This is clearly a chat I should reserve for therapy but my therapist moved practices and I haven’t looked into getting a new one yet because of the pandemic.

Thanks for reading my long winded posts. Haha.

[Fletch Lives]

A few points:

Two years is a long time and you are still not over it.

You need to find a new counselor. They have experience with this.

May I ask, what is the status of the relationship now, today? What's it like?

 

[forlornrabbit]

4 hours ago, Fletch Lives said:

A few points:

Two years is a long time and you are still not over it.

You need to find a new counselor. They have experience with this.

May I ask, what is the status of the relationship now, today? What's it like?

I will never be “over it.” This topic will always hurt me. I’m not sure I believe anyone gets over (large scale) betrayal or if i am just built different. There’s acceptance that it happened, there’s understanding from different angles but there is no part of me that will ever look back at these incidents and not have them affect how I feel mostly about myself. I know that if I found out when they happened (1 month and 8 months into the relationship) I would have definitely walked away. I know that it bothers me that he kept me in the dark all of these years. I built our relationship blindly and with 100% of my effort- it will always hurt that he reserved a part of himself for another woman and didn’t 100% commit himself to me. 

On the bright side, I don’t sit around thinking about these things on a regular basis since it has been 2 years since the discovery. However, small incidents of even accidental dishonesty can lead me to question his motives or if there are more and bigger secrets or more websites he bashed me on. The journal reading and the posts about our sex life were more a recent discovery but again were done/posted 4+ years ago towards the beginning of our relationship. He claims he was a different and angrier person back then.

Anyway, our relationship is normal on a day to day basis. I mentioned above that we both do not drink so he no longer starts nonsense fights. I think those fights were supposed to be conversations about the things he was posting here but he was too drunk and incoherent to get any points across- and he never approached these subjects sober. The way I feel inside is normal on most days-months as well. I’m prone to go through depressive spells occasionally which can spiral me into fixating on every little bad thing that has happened- including the things he has done. If these were normal times I would be in therapy for the depression spells but alas ye ol’ pandemic has made things i bit more difficult. Anytime I have a question about something that happened around that time I ask him rather than bottling it up and causing any form of resentment. To his credit he answers them the best he can and most answers line up. 

[ShyViolet]

I read your whole post.  When I got to the end, all I can say is that I absolutely cannot believe that you stayed with this guy through all that toxic behavior.  Where is your self-respect?  How could you stay with someone knowing that he said all those terrible things about you, "bashed" you?  You seem like a good person who deserves better than this.

[FMW]

A few points -

Your counselor said forgiveness was the only way you could move forward.  Forgiveness doesn't mean you move forward WITH him.  Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting.  Honestly, I don't see how you could forget any of what you read.  He may no longer feel anything of what he wrote, maybe it was just a crazy period of time for him and he now knows what he has in you.  But I don't see that I could ever trust someone in that situation again.  

As far as getting over it - I don't think most people could get over that particular experience IF they stayed in the relationship.  Again, I would never be able to trust that some of those thoughts weren't still running around his head.  I wouldn't get over it until he was no longer part of my life.    

Given all that, I think you need to seriously consider whether or not the good things in your relationship are strong enough to keep yourself in it.  If the answer is yes, then it seems therapy/counseling will be very important.    It may not be a daily or constant issue, but obviously it still haunts you enough that you felt the need to reach out here.  I don't think your depressive spells are the cause of your thoughts returning to this issue.  Don't just sweep it under the rug or put it off on YOUR moods.  

[forlornrabbit]

8 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

I read your whole post.  When I got to the end, all I can say is that I absolutely cannot believe that you stayed with this guy through all that toxic behavior.  Where is your self-respect?  How could you stay with someone knowing that he said all those terrible things about you, "bashed" you?  You seem like a good person who deserves better than this.

Thank you. I like to think I am/was a good person too. I simply didn’t know what was happening until many years later. I ask myself the self respect question often.

[Fletch Lives]

Well, it still bothers you after two years. Yet, you are still with him. It looks like you are staying with him?

[smackie9]

I know many that got past infidelity BUT they did it together. You both need to go to therapy together. Not sure why you think this is all on you to work through.

Edited December 12, 2020 by smackie9

[forlornrabbit]

On 12/12/2020 at 2:03 PM, smackie9 said:Not sure why you think this is all on you to work through.

I don’t know. I just always thought I was the more screwed up of the two of us. I never really thought about this before. Thank you for your perspective.