My Fiance Thinks I'm Too Thin!

[poppyfields]

Hi guys, this is a spinoff of the thread created by a woman who asked her boyfriend if she's fat, but with a different twist.  My fiance' thinks I'm too skinny. 🙄  I did not ask, we got to talking about a related topic and he mentioned it.

So a bit of context, I've always had  body image issues since a young girl.  I've suffered and recovered from a pretty severe eating disorder that nearly killed me.  

After recovery, for years, I maintained a weight between 105-110 lbs, my height is 5'6".  Size 0-2 U.S.

I felt great at this weight, I loved my body!   My bra size was 34B. 😳

Fast forward, I gained which brought me to 117-125 lbs.  Which is average for 5'6" but I'd rather be back to between 108-110 lbs. 

When I met my now fiance, I was 120 lbs.  He always had a preference for  larger "full-figured" women but I went up to a C cup so he liked that!   Lol

I still preferred myself at the lesser weight though.  

Fast forward to now.  I am back down to 110 lbs, and I am super happy about this!

But my fiance told me last night, he thinks I am too thin and encouraged me (gently) to gain to at least where I was when we met -  120 lbs.    

He softened it by telling me I am beautiful and he's still very attracted to me.  And our sex life is amazing! 

He said he is also concerned for my health. 🙄

Anyway, I wasn't offended at all, I prefer he always be honest rather than shoving feelings down to avoid the risk of hurting my feelings or whatever. 

It's not a huge deal but not sure how I feel about this.  And how to reconcile and balance his desire for me to be a bit heavier with my own desire to be thinner! 

In his defense, my brothers also think I am too thin and encourage me to gain. 

But *I* like myself thinner!   

Please don't laugh at this, to me this is not much different from a woman whose boyfriend thinks she's overweight (I do not like the word "fat") and needs to lose a few.  

Thanks in advance!  

Edited November 25, 2020 by poppyfields

[smackie9]

Well my experience when I was in my early 20's I was 105 and 110, 5" 4 ish...and looking at my photos I think I looked too thin. I hope you don't look like Celine Dion.

There must be a healthy weight chart somewhere.

My doctor told me at 5' 4" I should be around 116 to 120.

Edited November 25, 2020 by smackie9

[poppyfields]

2 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Well my experience when I was in my early 20's I was 105 and 110, 5" 4 ish...and looking at my photos I think I looked too thin. I hope you don't look like Celine Dion.

OMG no!  I just looked at a recent pic and she looks grotesque.

Thanks for answering my question. 😳

[introverted1]

Hi Poppy, I was around 110 (I'm also 5'6") before I had children.  Now, I'm around 130. I was very healthy at both weights (and points in between).  One of the things working against you is that the average US woman is 5'4" and weighs 172 pounds.  So when the average is obese (or right on the edge of it), someone who is slightly underweight will look even that much thinner, as we have all been conditioned to the larger average size.

Perhaps you could ask your doctor to weigh in (no pun intended).  If your family and bf knew you were healthy, would that satisfy them?

[poppyfields]

18 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Perhaps you could ask your doctor to weigh in (no pun intended).  If your family and bf knew you were healthy, would that satisfy them?

Thanks introverted!  Wow, 5'4", 172 is considered average?  I did not know that.  I cannot even imagine myself at that weight, I would not feel good (mentally or physically) I DO know that.

I had a blood test recently, my potassium reading was a bit low but my doctor was not too concerned and encouraged me to eat bananas which I hate!  

Knowing I'm healthy would satisfy my brothers, but with my fiance, I think it's more related to looks and while he said he thinks I'm beautiful and attracted, apparently he liked me better when I was 10-15 heavier. 😳

I really don't know how to feel about this!  I'd gain but *I* like myself at my current weight.

Should I be offended?   Should this be a dealbreaker? 

Edited November 25, 2020 by poppyfields

[introverted1]

Potatoes have more potassium than bananas, actually, but the banana people have a much better marketing campaign!  And if you reduce sodium, your potassium will also increase as these are opposing chemicals in the blood.

As to whether you should be offended...  only you can answer that.  Is your fiance clean-shaven?  If so, would you find him as attractive with a beard?  If not and you told him your preference but he said he preferred to keep his beard, would you lose attraction for him? In other words, if your fiance isn't demanding you to put on weight but is just expressing his preference, and assuming he finds the current you attractive and stimulating, why should this be a deal-breaker?  Now, if he's giving you an ultimatum, that would give me pause.

[Miss Spider]

Hey. I’m sorry, Poppy.  I have always struggled with being too thin for my liking. I have to eat a lot to get to the weight that I want to be at. I am about your height, maybe an inch taller. When I dropped 110, my mom told me I  looked ‘withdrawn’ and it really hurt my feelings because I thought I actually liked the way I look and felt fine. I didn’t notice much of a change otherwise.
 

I was about 120 when I met my last bf. He would make me food all the time. I went up to 130 at my heaviest and it filled out my boobs and booty. He said he liked me best at that weight and he liked it better than even when we met though I looked great then. It was actually his mom that said the most. She said that she thought I looked very, very thin when we met and I looked so much better and healthier after the 10 lbs. She said I had a glow. Unfortunately, she also said his sister asked her if I might be pregnant(ouch)  
 

Anyway, I still like myself best at that weight, because although it’s hard for me to maintain and it’s not even what I like personally, it’s what I present best at.

Do what makes you feel healthy and happy. . If you do decide you want to gain some weight, I would definitely recommend protein shakes and glasses of whole milk(diet permitting). They help me a lot. Also, it’s gross but mixing in brewers yeast into your PB&J or something that mask the flavor. And just eating whenever you can.

Edited November 25, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Miss Spider]

17 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

 

Should I be offended? 

It’s hard not to be offended. But that is how your boyfriend truly feels. I’ve always framed it as “I value the truth above all else, so I would rather know” as much as others’ opinions might offend me, I know there are times when that is not the intention.

Edited November 25, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

Thank you shortskirt, it amazes me sometimes how similar we are. 😄

I am very happy at my weight now.  I am 0-2 and can wear any type of clothing I want and just like myself better.  I feel good!   Which is what I told my fiance too.  

When I was at my lowest while in the throes of my eating disorder, 95-100 lbs, I had people saying negative things, even my HR manager at work said something!  

Which irked me because SHE was very overweight and how would she have felt if her manager called her in telling her she was too fat?  Insulted most likely.  There is no difference as far as I'm concerned

While others thought I looked great! 

Anyway, again it's my boyfriend who would like me to gain.  

@introverted, he is clean shaven but when we met had longer hair but he has since cut it, and it didn't affect me either way, I loved (love) how he looks both ways. 

Edited November 25, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

It’s hard not to be offended. But that is how your boyfriend truly feels. I’ve always framed it as “I value the truth above all else, so I would rather know” as much as others’ opinions might offend me, I know there are times when that is not the intention.

Thank you shortskirts, I always felt that way too - until it happened.

Staying calm. Lol

[flitzanu]

even as a boy, weight numbers are not always easy, and are extremely subjective.  i can get down to 130 at 5'10" and i'm still pudgy, so don't let the number define you.

what matters is what makes YOU happy.  if you're happy at your weight, and how you look, then that should be enough.  

now...this is controversial to say...if you were HEAVIER, that is where you will start getting into health problems, because being overweight simply put, is not healthy.  that's regardless of body image or society and blah blah, it's just medically not as healthy to be overweight as it is to not be overweight.  being underweight...well, as long as you're not malnourished or suffering from a disorder (as you mentioned you did in the past) then i don't see any issue for a "concern" and this is just your boyfriend wanting you to be something that he wants, and not what you want.  

[Ruby Slippers]

56 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

But *I* like myself thinner!   

I think this is all that matters. 

I tend to agree that when a woman is below average weight, she tends to look gaunt and angular, lacking a certain softness that's viewed as feminine. However, aesthetics aren't everything.

You might consider getting a complete physical as confirmation that you're healthy.

I think skinny shaming is just as annoying as fat shaming. 

Love means accepting the person as they are. If you're unhealthy, that's one thing. But if you're healthy at a lower weight and happy with that, it's your business and your choice. 

[Miss Spider]

I think it is more socially acceptable for people to call people too skinny because they’re like “wow, you need to eat more. How I pity you”  ...Because yay eating disorders, metabolic disorders, and other physical and mental disorders that contribute to weight issues don’t exist, right. Personally, I find eating to be very laborious at times. When I am consumed something else, eating is a chore. I sometimes forget to eat for a full day with no problem. It’s a conscious effort I must make to maintain weight. 
 

Edited November 25, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[ShyViolet]

30 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

but with my fiance, I think it's more related to looks and while he said he thinks I'm beautiful and attracted, apparently he liked me better when I was 10-15 heavier. 😳

I really don't know how to feel about this!  I'd gain but *I* like myself at my current weight.

Should I be offended?   Should this be a dealbreaker? 

Umm yes you should be offended, this is so unbelievably rude and inappropriate of him.  Give me a break, he's not concerned about your health... you can be perfectly healthy at either weight, it's just a difference of 10 pounds.  It's not his place to nitpick your body and dictate exactly what weight you should be.  I mean, I could understand if you had an extreme weight problem at one end of the spectrum or the other, but it sounds like the situation is nowhere near extreme and you are healthy.  I would absolutely dump someone over this.

[boymommy]

I have the same thing going on pf! 

I had an eating disorder at a young age but I struggled with weight a lot due to my Epilepsy meds. After I had my youngest son my meds were changed and I lost 40 lbs. I am now 5'2 and 110 lbs. Very petite and tiny! My ex husband did not like the "thinner" me and neither does my boyfriend. I was thin when I met my boyfriend but gained some because my anxiety meds were getting adjusted. My current meds cause weight loss and appetite suppression so I maintain a lower weight on them. I eat just not as much and have trouble keeping weight on. My boyfriend dislikes this and pointed out my hipbones! Ugh. Like you I don't like hearing it due to all my previous struggles with weight and body imagine problems NOR do I want to switch my anxiety meds or want to gain weight! I told very point blankly and honestly that I am happy with the way I look currently and as long as I look healthy (which I do) and my doctors see no issues with my weight (which they don't) and I am stable on my meds and do actually eat enough food (also I do this) then I respect how he feels but I need to take care of myself and how I feel as well. 

It takes courage to say this and be this secure with yourself and not go against what you want for yourself to please a guy. But my take is that if he loves you then your weight won't matter. Appearances change over a lifetime! If he wants you for the rest of his life then he wants you for your good qualities and personality..appearance is secondary to that IMO.

[Miss Spider]

3 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Umm yes you should be offended, this is so unbelievably rude and inappropriate of him.  Give me a break, he's not concerned about your health... you can be perfectly healthy at either weight, it's just a difference of 10 pounds.  It's not his place to nitpick your body and dictate exactly what weight you should be.  I mean, I could understand if you had an extreme weight problem at one end of the spectrum or the other, but it sounds like the situation is nowhere near extreme and you are healthy.  I would absolutely dump someone over this.

In the example that introverted1 gave where a guy grew a beard out. Do you think that he should dump his girlfriend if she says that she prefers him clean-shaven? Does this change  if his girlfriend is substantially not as attracted to him with a beard?

Edited November 25, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

23 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I think this is all that matters. 

I tend to agree that when a woman is below average weight, she tends to look gaunt and angular, lacking a certain softness that's viewed as feminine. However, aesthetics aren't everything.

You might consider getting a complete physical as confirmation that you're healthy.

I think skinny shaming is just as annoying as fat shaming. 

Love means accepting the person as they are. If you're unhealthy, that's one thing. But if you're healthy at a lower weight and happy with that, it's your business and your choice. 

Thanks Ruby. Fortunately I've been blessed with great cheekbones and a fuller round face so no I do not look gaunt.  And I still have fairly decent-sized breasts!   Lol

Even my fiance affirmed that because it's often difficult to be objective about oneself.

And tbh, my face looks about the same whether I'm heavier or thinner. 

Thank you for acknowledging skinny-shaming!  Got a lot of that when struggling with the eating disorder.

People don't realize how hurtful it is, no different from fat-shaming.

Edited November 25, 2020 by poppyfields

[Ruby Slippers]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

Thank you for acknowledging skinny-shaming!  Got a lot of that when struggling with the eating disorder.

People don't realize how hurtful it is, no different from fat-shaming.

I think it's cyclical. In the 90s it was all the rage to be "heroin chic" skinny. Now the big cartoonish boob and butt implant look is in style. Ultimately none of it matters.

[poppyfields]

15 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Umm yes you should be offended, this is so unbelievably rude and inappropriate of him.  Give me a break, he's not concerned about your health... you can be perfectly healthy at either weight, it's just a difference of 10 pounds.  It's not his place to nitpick your body and dictate exactly what weight you should be.  I mean, I could understand if you had an extreme weight problem at one end of the spectrum or the other, but it sounds like the situation is nowhere near extreme and you are healthy.  I would absolutely dump someone over this.

Thanks Shy!  So you think I should break our engagement because he expressed a preference?

There was no nitpicking nor him dictating what my weight should be.  Only him expressing a preference.

He claims it has no impact on his attraction to me, and our sex life is still pretty hot.

If that is true re his attraction, I don't know why he mentioned it, I did not ask. 

 

Edited November 25, 2020 by poppyfields

[forlornrabbit]

The most I ever weighed was 125 but I prefer to be in the 110s as well (I am slightly shorter than you).  It's just my body type and what I feel works best for my frame.  It's also where  my body ends up if I've been eating normal and exercising semi-regularly. 

The way I feel about it is if you can eat whatever you want (within reason... don't go having a cheesecake for breakfast everyday or anything) and you try to exercise frequently- try not to fixate too much on the numbers on the scale.  And don't ever let someone else dictate your body size/shape.  If your clothes start feeling too snug (or loose) then it's time to reevaluate what you've been putting in your body and how much exercise you've been putting off- not when your partner says something.

Lastly my cup size never increased from gaining weight 😭

 

[boymommy]

19 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

In the example that introverted1 gave where a guy grew a beard out. Do you think that he should dump his girlfriend if she says that she prefers him clean-shaven? Does this change  if his girlfriend is substantially not as attracted to him with a beard?

I don't think anyone should get dumped over preferences. But like everything else its about compatibility. If you are more sexually attracted to average/chunkier women then telling a thin woman to gain weight because thats what you are more attracted to maybe isn't the best idea. Just like if you like guys with hair why would you date a guy who shaves his head? Or if you prefer guys with facial hair, don't date guys who are more clean cut/clean shaven. Obviously appearances change and sometimes people in long term relationships alter their appearance one way or another and that may not fit their partners "ideal" of what they deem attractive. But if you can't reach a compromise and the other person isn't willing to change it or live with it, then like everything else in life..you determine if this issue is a dealbreaker or something you can accept. Can pf's fiance accept that she is skinny and may not fit his "ideal" body type? But as we all know looks change over a lifetime and if he is marrying her then she may fit his ideal at some point in their lives. Because women do naturally change weight with hormonal changes. It's just a fact of life in most cases. 

Edited November 25, 2020 by boymommy

[Miss Spider]

Wow, poppy 

12 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Thanks Shy!  So you think I should break our engagement because he expressed a preference?

There was no nitpicking nor him dictating what my weight should be.  Only him expressing a preference.

I don't know. 

 

You’re really considering that? I don’t think that is a decision that any of us can tell you is right or wrong.. You hopefully know you guy’s character and his intentions more than anyone else here. You know what kind of man that he is.  I’ve never been in a relationship with the type of person that would say some thing about my weight like that, even to express a preference between 10 lbs. He did say he is concerned about your health. Do you think he genuinely is or do you think that he’s guising his own preferences for what he finds attractive with that? Has he not shown other signs of being nitpicky in similar ways before in the past? I guess I just find it surprising that this comment could be a nail in the coffin of an  engagement. 

Edited November 25, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Miss Spider]

3 minutes ago, forlornrabbit said:

 (within reason... don't go having a cheesecake for breakfast everyday or anything) 

 

Hi, me 👋

[balletomane]

Poppy, based on the statistics you've posted, your BMI is currently 17.5.

I can't give formal medical advice to anyone online. What I can tell you, as a doctor, is that if I had a patient with a history of anorexia who presented with that BMI, I'd be concerned.

People with eating disorder histories often have a distorted relationship with food and it is very likely that you are either eating less than you think you are, or exercising more than you believe yourself to be. I expect you are eating more than you were when you were very ill, but that doesn't mean it's sufficient. It is also an unfortunate fact that many people with EDs have such skewed body image that they consider themselves to be healthy when they're not. Feeling better about yourself when you're at a clinically underweight BMI does raise questions.

Some health problems that can arise from maintaining such a low weight (e.g. osteopenia) will not be immediately apparent at a physical, and if your doctor weighed you in clothes instead of in a gown, they may not even have an accurate recording of your BMI. Have you ever had a bone density scan? While BMI is a broad brush tool and should never be a primary diagnostic measure, combined with your history and your low potassium it is concerning.

Your health is far more important than your boyfriend's opinion and the reasons for it. I hope you are at least in regular contact with your primary doctor.

I'm conscious this may upset you more, but I think it would be irresponsible if I didn't say it.

Edited November 25, 2020 by balletomane

[poppyfields]

Looks are important but we are both at the point where our sexual attraction goes beyond "just" physical appearance or preference.

For example, despite wishing I was heavier like when we first met, this morning he was all over me while I was making breakfast after which we had amazing sex before he left for work.  💏

Apologies if that was TMI. 

Edited November 25, 2020 by poppyfields