My Fiance Thinks I'm Too Thin!

[Ami1uwant]

If he knows about your past eating disorder he’s likely concerned.

[boymommy]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Looks are important but we are both at the point where our sexual attraction goes beyond looks.  

For example this morning he was all over me while I was making breakfast after which we had amazing sex before he left for work.  💏

Apologies if that was TMI. 

Well if this is the case then perhaps he genuinely is concerned for your health in addition to it being his own personal preference. I would say if it bothers you then talk to him about it. You are going to marry this man and coming from someone who had a terrible time communicating with my ex husband, this is an area you want to be comfortable in! Being able to talk to your husband is super important!

[ShyViolet]

29 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

In the example that introverted1 gave where a guy grew a beard out. Do you think that he should dump his girlfriend if she says that she prefers him clean-shaven? Does this change  if his girlfriend is substantially not as attracted to him with a beard?

Is this a serious question?  No, those two situations are not comparable.  Telling a woman that you think she should gain/lose weight is not the same as a woman expressing an opinion about a man's facial hair.

[poppyfields]

Just now, boymommy said:

Well if this is the case then perhaps he genuinely is concerned for your health in addition to it being his own personal preference. I would say if it bothers you then talk to him about it. You are going to marry this man and coming from someone who had a terrible time communicating with my ex husband, this is an area you want to be comfortable in! Being able to talk to your husband is super important!

Thnx boymommy, yes I will talk to him tonight, get to the bottom of it.

Thank you to everyone who's chimed in!  

I wish more men would, I would like to understand the mindset.  It's 10 lbs for cripes sake!

[Miss Spider]

He knows you had an eating disorder. He sees your weight dropping. It may not be about preference at all.

When you are as skinny as we are though, 10 pounds makes a big difference. With the added 10 pounds,  my curves really come out

[ShyViolet]

2 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

He knows you had an eating disorder. He sees your weight dropping. It may not be about preference at all.

When you are as skinny as we are though, 10 pounds makes a big difference. With the added 10 pounds,  my curves really come out

If it's not about his preference at all, if it's a genuine concern for her health, then he should have said that.  But he said he "likes the way it looks" better.  Which instills the idea that she needs to be a certain weight in order to be ATTRACTIVE, in order to look good to HIM, a very damaging and unhelpful idea for someone who has struggled with an eating disorder.  

[poppyfields]

14 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Is this a serious question?  No, those two situations are not comparable.  Telling a woman that you think she should gain/lose weight is not the same as a woman expressing an opinion about a man's facial hair.

Shy, how are you interpreting this?

I cannot imagine ending a 3 year RL and engagement to a man I Iove, who loves me, a man who is attracted to me and with whom the sex is still incredibly hot, who cares about me, takes care of me, as I do him, all because he told me he prefers me to be a bit heavier? 

No I am not going to end our relationship because of this, I'm simply trying to understand how to balance his desire for me to be a bit heavier with my desire to be thinner.  

Edited November 25, 2020 by poppyfields

[boymommy]

4 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

 

When you are as skinny as we are though, 10 pounds makes a big difference. With the added 10 pounds,  my curves really come out

Yes I think this is what my boyfriend thinks too. I am short and petite so 10 lbs (in either direction) makes a HUGE difference on me. My curves are more defined 10 lbs up or you can see my little hipbones jut out when my weight drops. 

[Miss Spider]

12 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Is this a serious question?  No, those two situations are not comparable.  Telling a woman that you think she should gain/lose weight is not the same as a woman expressing an opinion about a man's facial hair.

It was a serious question, yes. Trying to get a better idea of what people’s thoughts were on this. It is OK if you do not fine analogous. That was part of the question. 

Edited November 25, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[boymommy]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

Shy, how are you interpreting this?

I cannot imagine ending a 3 year RL and engagement to a man I Iove, who loves me, a man who is attracted to me and with whom the sex is still incredibly hot, who cares about me, takes care of me, as I do him, all because he told me he prefers me to be a bit heavier? 

No I am not going to end our relationship because of this, I'm.simply trying to understand how to balance his desire for me to be a bit heavier with my desire to be thinner.  

I think a lot of LS'ers are super quick to give advice to leave instead of making the time and effort to understand and try to resolve problems. If you don't do that how can you make anything work long term? You can't. Obviously every long term relationship will have ups and downs but you have to understand what is a dealbreaker and whats not. Heck sometimes you can even work out dealbreakers at times if the committment to the relationship is strong enough! Obviously not everyone thinks in those terms or has that state of mind about relationship. 

[poppyfields]

3 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

If it's not about his preference at all, if it's a genuine concern for her health, then he should have said that.  But he said he "likes the way it looks" better.  Which instills the idea that she needs to be a certain weight in order to be ATTRACTIVE, in order to look good to HIM, a very damaging and unhelpful idea for someone who has struggled with an eating disorder.  

No disrespect Shy but have you read my posts in their entirety?  

He clearly stayed he finds me incredibly beautiful and still very attracted to me.

My being at a lower weight does not impact that.

I dunno, maybe you're right, it's confusing.  I will talk to him tonight

 

[ShyViolet]

6 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Shy, how are you interpreting this?

I cannot imagine ending a 3 year RL and engagement to a man I Iove, who loves me, a man who is attracted to me and with whom the sex is still incredibly hot, who cares about me, takes care of me, as I do him, all because he told me he prefers me to be a bit heavier? 

No I am not going to end our relationship because of this, I'm.simply trying to understand how to balance his desire for me to be a bit heavier with my desire to be thinner.  

OK good for you, then don't end it!  No one said you have to.  

[Miss Spider]

10 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

If it's not about his preference at all, if it's a genuine concern for her health, then he should have said that.  But he said he "likes the way it looks" better.  Which instills the idea that she needs to be a certain weight in order to be ATTRACTIVE, in order to look good to HIM, a very damaging and unhelpful idea for someone who has struggled with an eating disorder.  

I didn’t see where he said “likes the way it looks“. Did I miss that somewhere? I saw him say that he said she is still beautiful and attractive? He could be telling her that he prefers it that way to give her an extra incentive to gain the weight that he feels would be healthy for her. 

  

Edited November 25, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[boymommy]

12 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

If it's not about his preference at all, if it's a genuine concern for her health, then he should have said that.  But he said he "likes the way it looks" better.  Which instills the idea that she needs to be a certain weight in order to be ATTRACTIVE, in order to look good to HIM, a very damaging and unhelpful idea for someone who has struggled with an eating disorder.  

As much I would love to think men are super sensitive to the fact that I have struggled with an eating disorder and have the sense of mind not to make comments about my weight...even my good male friend who is extremely emotionally sensitive (moreso then any other guy I know!) made a comment to me (although it was way more sensitively put then my boyfriend would say!) So yes you could say that, but we are talking about men here. Most men don't think like women and go about conversations beforehand like "am I going to hurt my fiance's feelings by saying this and should I keep my mouth shut?" No they operate more on autopilot and crap just flies out of their mouth at times! lol

Edited November 25, 2020 by boymommy

[poppyfields]

17 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

He knows you had an eating disorder. He sees your weight dropping. It may not be about preference at all.

When you are as skinny as we are though, 10 pounds makes a big difference. With the added 10 pounds,  my curves really come out

Absolutely true!!   And I lost the weight pretty quick too once I purchased a proper scale! 

Thank you!!  xo

[Watercolors]

26 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Thnx boymommy, yes I will talk to him tonight, get to the bottom of it.

Thank you to everyone who's chimed in!  

I wish more men would, I would like to understand the mindset.  It's 10 lbs for cripes sake!

How can 10 pounds be a deal breaker to marrying your fiance?

I think you're hilarious, poppy. Arguing over weight gain or weight loss versus finances or job stability seems really superficial and silly to me, personally.

Count yourself lucky. You're healthy during a pandemic and you're not a cancer patient in a hospital somewhere whose chemo has been postponed for pandemic reasons. Or, you're not newly diagnosed with a health condition but can't get the medication b/c your insurance won't cover it. Or, you're not homeless with a mental illness AND a terminal illness. Or, you aren't a small business owner whose business went 'under' because of this pandemic, and you're literally broke.

Seriously. Freaking out over 10 pounds? C'mon poppy!

 

Edited November 25, 2020 by Watercolors

[ShyViolet]

7 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I didn’t see where he said “likes the way it looks“. Did I miss that somewhere? I saw him say that he said she is still beautiful and attractive? He could be telling her that he prefers it that way to give her an extra incentive to gain the weight that he feels would be healthy for her. 

  

Yes he did say it, it's in her second post not the initial one.  Not those exact words but he said he "likes her better" at a certain weight.

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I didn’t see where he said “likes the way it looks“. Did I miss that somewhere? I saw him say that he said she is still beautiful and attractive? He could be telling her that he prefers it that way to give her an extra incentive to gain the weight that he feels would be healthy for her. 

I think this is it shortskirts it's what makes the most sense.  

I think he was being sensitive to the fact I previously struggled with an eating disorder and frankly whenever anyone mentioned anything about my "health" I wanted to hit them upside the head, lol.

I'm kidding but it's a super sensitive issue.  

[balletomane]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Absolutely true!!   And I lost the weight pretty quick too once I purchased a proper scale! 

Thank you!!  xo

Rapid weight loss and going out to buy a 'proper scale' are two other risk indicators given your history, and combined with the details you've already shared, they create a concerning picture. I think he's worried about you, and with reason.

[poppyfields]

6 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

How can 10 pounds be a deal breaker to marrying your fiance?

I think you're hilarious, poppy. Arguing over weight gain or weight loss versus finances or job stability seems really superficial and silly to me, personally.

Count yourself lucky. You're healthy during a pandemic and you're not a cancer patient in a hospital somewhere whose chemo has been postponed for pandemic reasons. Or, you're not newly diagnosed with a health condition but can't get the medication b/c your insurance won't cover it. Or, you're not homeless with a mental illness AND a terminal illness. Or, you aren't a small business owner whose business went 'under' because of this pandemic, and you're literally broke.

Seriously. Freaking out over 10 pounds? C'mon poppy!

 

I'm not "freaking" dear but glad you find me so hilarious. 🤣

You missed the entire point of this thread, but thank you for chiming in, truly. 

Very helpful.   😃

Edited November 25, 2020 by poppyfields

[Ruby Slippers]

41 minutes ago, balletomane said:

Poppy, based on the statistics you've posted, your BMI is currently 17.5.

I can't give formal medical advice to anyone online. What I can tell you, as a doctor, is that if I had a patient with a history of anorexia who presented with that BMI, I'd be concerned.

Good point. I didn't realize you're technically "underweight," but a BMI calculator confirmed this is correct.

It seems odd that you've responded to all the superficial concerns but haven't responded to any of the questions about a full health screening or how your general health is.

[poppyfields]

3 minutes ago, balletomane said:

Rapid weight loss and going out to buy a 'proper scale' are two other risk indicators given your history, and combined with the details you've already shared, they create a concerning picture. I think he's worried about you, and with reason.

I think you're right, now I'm back to totally loving him again!  ❤️

Can't wait til he gets home!  Gonna cook us a big Italian feast!  Lol 

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

It seems odd that you've responded to all the superficial concerns but haven't responded to any of the questions about a full health screening or how your general health is.

Yeah I did Ruby, go back to page one.

I posted I recently went to doctor for physical, recieved a blood test, all good except for my potassium reading was a bit low but doctor was not that concerned, advised me to eat bananas.  🤣

 

Edited November 25, 2020 by poppyfields

[boymommy]

19 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

How can 10 pounds be a deal breaker to marrying your fiance?

I think you're hilarious, poppy. Arguing over weight gain or weight loss versus finances or job stability seems really superficial and silly to me, personally.

Count yourself lucky. You're healthy during a pandemic and you're not a cancer patient in a hospital somewhere whose chemo has been postponed for pandemic reasons. Or, you're not newly diagnosed with a health condition but can't get the medication b/c your insurance won't cover it. Or, you're not homeless with a mental illness AND a terminal illness. Or, you aren't a small business owner whose business went 'under' because of this pandemic, and you're literally broke.

Seriously. Freaking out over 10 pounds? C'mon poppy!

 

Because it's a sensitive subject in people who have previously struggled with eating disorders. I feel similar and it doesn't sit well with me when people make comments about weight loss/gain either. Even if their motives are for my health and purely altruistic I STILL am very sensitive and tend to take it the wrong way. I'm not sure that will ever change to someone who never previously struggled with weight or body image problems..but I can communicate my feelings in a more productive way that it doesn't cause turmoil in relationships anymore. 

[balletomane]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Yeah I did Ruby, go back to page one.

I posted I recently went to doctor for physical, recieved a blood test, all good except for my potassium reading was a bit low but doctor was not that concerned, advised me to eat bananas.  🤣

 

These are not questions you should feel obliged to answer publicly, but you should reflect on them honestly.

Did the number on the doctor's scale match the number you see at home? If not, on the day of the appointment did you drink a lot of water, wear thicker clothes, or do things that you knew might inflate the number? Have you lost weight following the appointment, and/or did you interpret the doctor's reaction to your blood results as a green light to lose more weight? Were you hazy or evasive with the doctor about the amount you eat and exercise? And finally, how would you feel if a doctor or dietician knew your exact intake?

If the idea of them knowing makes you feel agitated, angry, or defensive, or you're answering 'yes' to any of the other questions, I think you should consider whether you need support around relapse management/prevention.