Friendship vs Relationship

[MeadowFlower]

Some people seem to think (and they are entitled to have their own views on this) that the element that changes a friendship to a relationship, is sex. I disagree. A relationship isn't friendship with sex added, it's more than that.

Also, I don't agree with how people can claim to have someone of the opposite sex as their best friend while being in a relationship with someone else. To me, if you're their best friend that's pretty much a relationship, even though there is no sex involved. You're sharing your heart with them.

[salparadise]

Did you contradict yourself?

I agree with the first paragraph, sort of... friendship and romance are not degrees of the same, they're different entities altogether. I abhor the ambiguation of the word friend when used that way. I also think it's rare that men and women are truly platonic friends in the way that same sex friends can be. It can start out with that intention, but one of the other usually ends up wanting it to be sexual/romantic. We're just wired that way –– like having a dog and expecting it not to bark.

[Cookiesandough]

To me, romantic relationships have a sexual and/or romantic component to the emotional/mental/physical attraction. Friendships don’t 

[snowboy91]

I agree with the first statement, considering that FWB is a thing, and people can romantically bond with each other without sex.

I disagree with the second though, and find it a little contradictory. Your best friend isn't someone you're attracted to, want to have sex with or want to share a life with, but you may still care about them and really trust them. What's to say that if you have someone of the opposite sex that you know you're not attracted to, and you know they're never going to be attracted to you, that you can't be good friends? There are a few people of the opposite sex in my life (and my GF's) that are like that. It's hard to describe, but I almost see them as I would a sister (not that I've ever had sisters so I wouldn't know). The thought of pursuing something more with them is just... no. And if they wanted something with me, surely I would know about it by now (considering I've known them for years and they've been happily dating others).

[MeadowFlower]

1 hour ago, salparadise said:

Did you contradict yourself?

I agree with the first paragraph, sort of... friendship and romance are not degrees of the same, they're different entities altogether. I abhor the ambiguation of the word friend when used that way. I also think it's rare that men and women are truly platonic friends in the way that same sex friends can be. It can start out with that intention, but one of the other usually ends up wanting it to be sexual/romantic. We're just wired that way –– like having a dog and expecting it not to bark.

I should have said in the first paragraph, friendship as in a basic friendship, not a deep close friendship and bond. 

 

[MeadowFlower]

17 minutes ago, snowboy91 said:

 

I disagree with the second though, and find it a little contradictory. Your best friend isn't someone you're attracted to, want to have sex with or want to share a life with, but you may still care about them and really trust them. What's to say that if you have someone of the opposite sex that you know you're not attracted to, and you know they're never going to be attracted to you, that you can't be good friends? There are a few people of the opposite sex in my life (and my GF's) that are like that. It's hard to describe, but I almost see them as I would a sister (not that I've ever had sisters so I wouldn't know). The thought of pursuing something more with them is just... no.

Your best friend isn't necessarily someone you're attracted to at first, however if they are your best friend who you are close to and you share your heart with them, then you possibly would love them. How can you possibly share your heart and love them on a deep level and not want to be in a relationship with them. And with love comes the desire to be sexual with them. I know most people don't see it like this. And maybe it's a bit of a demisexual view. But so be it. I find my views are often solitary, so I should be getting used to it by now. 

 

Can you describe your perception of a 'good friend'? 

[Cookiesandough]

16 minutes ago, MeadowFlower said:

Your best friend isn't necessarily someone you're attracted to at first, however if they are your best friend who you are close to and you share your heart with them, then you possibly would love them. How can you possibly share your heart and love them on a deep level and not want to be in a relationship with them. And with love comes the desire to be sexual with them. I know most people don't see it like this. And maybe it's a bit of a demisexual view. But so be it. I find my views are often solitary, so I should be getting used to it by now. 

 

Can you describe your perception of a 'good friend'? 

You could love them but not feel a romantic connection with them. I feel this way about family and female friends all the time. I share my heart with my best female friend, but I would never be in a relationship with her because I am not romantically or sexually attracted to her. I only feel romantically and sexually  attracted to men that meet certain criteria. Most people have this criteria. I think it might be a little harder for you to understand because you may be more demisexual/ romantic meaning that the romantic or sexual attraction you feel towards someone is heavily based in an emotional connection. Still, I feel like there is probably a distinction in those you are romantically attracted to and those you would only see as a very close friend 

Edited November 25, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[snowboy91]

1 hour ago, MeadowFlower said:

I know most people don't see it like this. And maybe it's a bit of a demisexual view. But so be it. I find my views are often solitary, so I should be getting used to it by now. 

 

Can you describe your perception of a 'good friend'? 

Good point, and I think it goes to show just how varied all of our experiences are when it comes to relationships, romantic connection, sex, etc. What you feel is different to what I or anyone else on this thread feel, and that doesn't make any of our perceptions less valid.

For me a "good friend" is someone I can really trust with my emotions, share fun experiences with and generally just enjoy time with. But for most "good friends" it doesn't make me want to be in a romantic relationship with them. I think for me as an allosexual (assuming I'm using that term correctly) the concept of a deep romantic connection is intrinsically tied to a high level of physical and sexual attraction.

Quote

And with love comes the desire to be sexual with them.

Not necessarily. As you say, I think that's the demisexual perception coming out here. Or from my point of view, it may be the common "man vs woman" perception too - a sense of romantic connection and love comes out of physical and sexual attraction for me. I could share some of my life with someone, but without physical attraction that never becomes more than a close friendship.

[Wiseman2]

Is your best friend a man you have a crush on? Is he in a romantic relationship with someone else?

[MeadowFlower]

@Wiseman2, why do you ask? 

[MeadowFlower]

@Shortskirtslonglashes

I could never have a deep friendship with a guy and not come to love them.

[MeadowFlower]

On 11/26/2020 at 1:29 PM, snowboy91 said:

For me a "good friend" is someone I can really trust with my emotions, share fun experiences with and generally just enjoy time with.

So would you share your heart with these female good friends and have a strong emotional bond with them? 

 

[central]

On 11/25/2020 at 1:06 PM, MeadowFlower said:

Some people seem to think (and they are entitled to have their own views on this) that the element that changes a friendship to a relationship, is sex. I disagree. A relationship isn't friendship with sex added, it's more than that.

Also, I don't agree with how people can claim to have someone of the opposite sex as their best friend while being in a relationship with someone else. To me, if you're their best friend that's pretty much a relationship, even though there is no sex involved. You're sharing your heart with them.

You can't handle it.  I can, as can my wife.  Your loss, but your choice.

[MeadowFlower]

Just now, central said:

Your loss, but your choice.

No loss to me. 

[central]

11 minutes ago, MeadowFlower said:

No loss to me. 

I'd say you don't know what you're missing.

[Luna66star]

I think male/female friendships can be platonic for awhile but in my experience, at least one wants to have sex sooner or later.  

I started a platonic friendship with a man I thought was so so and rather ordinary in the beginning.  I think he felt the same way.  As time went on, we got to know each other, hung out regularly - then something else happened.  Sex.

I wasn't looking for anything deep and it turns neither was he as I found out later he had a GF, uggh.  Anyway, things became very complicated for obvious reasons and I was extremely hurt after it was all over.

My lesson learned was that a male-female relationship won't stay platonic if you become close friends.  I developed feelings only to discover he had been attached (but always had talked about an ex).  Lie of omission in this case.

I'm avoiding all friendships with men in the future unless I am ready (and so are they) for a committed relationship.  

In this case, the man was covertly seeking an affair, that was his motive from the start.  Unbeknownst to me I'm afraid.  This man waited patiently for it to happen.  No apology or explanation from him either as to why he "never mentioned" having a GH.

 

 

 

 

[snowboy91]

On 12/27/2020 at 5:35 AM, MeadowFlower said:

So would you share your heart with these female good friends and have a strong emotional bond with them? 

 

I'm not entirely sure what you mean, but I would say there's a sort of emotional bond, but it's not the same and nowhere near as strong as what I have for a romantic partner.