WS apology letters

[QTpie123]

I have read several  posts here where the WS writes an apology letterforms the BS.  It seems as if the letters are dissected and shredded then everyone tells the OP that the letter isn’t genuine. 
 

I recently got one of these letters from my WS and it was all about him and how the A he had affected him. It pissed me off at first but I realize now it pissed me off because it was about him.
 

My question for all of you is what would the perfect apology letter have in it?  Some have said the WS should say why they cheated. While this would be great I have a feeling a lot of WS’s will say they weren’t getting xyz from their marriage and they would be bashed for blaming the BS? 

 

where is the line drawn here?  How can you tell if your letter is sincere?!

is there such a thing as a perfect apology letter?

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, QTpie123 said:

Is there such a thing as a perfect apology letter?

Not sure why anyone bothers with that type of nonsense.

Either people want to work things out and overcome infidelity and seek out marriage therapy.

Or they decide cheating and lying is something they won't accept in thier lives, and proceed to dissolve the marriage.

Some of these ridiculous half steps like lists, letters etc. won't undue the fact that the marriage is in peril.

These are usually DIY nonsense to deny and avoid the truth. Mostly because divorce is too difficult.

Edited November 26, 2020 by Wiseman2

[schlumpy]

8 hours ago, QTpie123 said:

is there such a thing as a perfect apology letter?

You shouldn't be surprised that the apology letter is all about him because that's what the cheating was about. It was all about him.

I'm not sure stating a reason for cheating is useful because no matter what reason is given it's going to fall flat or be disputed in some manner. 

I'd like to say cheating is unacceptable under any circumstances but I'm not standing in the shoes of someone who has been denied intimacy from their spouse for the last five years. I will say that accepting a cheating spouse in your life erodes your self respect and integrity. I recognize that some people value those core qualities more than others.

I see an apology letter as a good first step in mending fences. It can help someone move on or reconcile.

I the "I" component in any apology letter is, in my humble opinion, is expressing the writers desire for the betrayed significant other (BSO) to understand their point of view. 

Why do letters, lists, phone calls, deep conversation exist? It's because there is an emotional element that has to be satisfied and worked through. There is no way around it for most people.

[Amethyst68]

Does it really matter? Why would you want an apology letter when you have to basically have to direct the writer what to say. It's not going to be genuine in the slightest. 

At least the letter you received can be taken of an indication of where he is post cheating. 

[Wiseman2]

People can BS with the pen just as well as with the lips.

[Miss Spider]

I think WS apology letters can be good for spare writing surface, provided there’s nothing written on the back. 
That’s about it.

[Camper]

As a BS, this might be a start for an apology letter:

A WS should acknowledge, and sincerely apologize for, the pain they caused. They should recognize that the affair was nothing but a fantasy, and that the "love" they thought they felt for the AP was not true love, but was a product of their fogged up head and not real. They should promise that they have ended contact with AP completely and permanently. They should pledge total transparency from this point forward, and include the logons and passwords for every email account, social media account, chat app, and the PIN code for their phone. This, to allow the BS to verify that they are no longer in contact with the AP. They should promise to be open to conversations about the issue (to a point; the BS should not be hounding them non-stop). 

Now of course this does not make everything all better, but it is a start. 

[pepperbird2]

This is just my opinion, but apology letters written early on are useless. they mean nothing, The person is likely just sorry they got caught.

I don't mean that a a swipe at WS. It's just that all the platitudes, all the "I'm sorry's" won;t be heartfelt or said with any level of understanding because the WS, unless they have been cheated on in marriage, will have no idea what their BS is going through.
To me, an apology letter written later on in a reconciliation would mean far more. The WS ( hopefully) would be writing it from a more informed position. They would have a better understanding of what their BS has been through an also why they even chose to cheat in the first place. An apology offered then would be informed.

[merrmeade]

What are we talking about here? A letter from the WS to the BS - in reconciliation? What is the purpose of writing it down? I've never come across this that I remember. It's not enough to write it down once. The BS needs to hear it often but not as a thing to move things along, of course, but because it's getting processed along with raw pain and emotion for a while. Saying it when there's a reason and it comes from a sincere place of deep regret and pain for causing pain. They should certainly know that it is therapeutic for the BS as long as it's genuine, especially when they see signs of distress and pain in the BS - which is usually often. They should be showing it in unspoken ways and then saying it again but not the same way each time. It's useless if it's not genuine. What they say changes and depends on the conversation, trigger, observation.

Is writing a letter something that is important for the WS? Is it to show the BS that the WS sees and remembers all the aspects of the sh-tty things they did, what they've destroyed, what they want to try and fix and what they know can never be repaired?  Are we talking about writing something down for non-talkers or just to make sure they got everything? Not sure I understand this.

 

[Wiseman2]

Useless.

" I made some bad choices"

"I never meant to hurt you"

"It will never happen again" 

This is the typical self serving nonsense you'll get.

Every cheater, liar, abuser is an expert in crocodile tears.

 

[mark clemson]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Every cheater, liar, abuser is an expert in crocodile tears.

Curious as to how someone would know this blanket statement is actually true in reality.

[Had I Known]

Was your husband really happy with the apology letter you gave him after your affair?

As others have said, I imagine words are meaningless from someone who has lied to such an extent.

[trident_2020]

6 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Curious as to how someone would know this blanket statement is actually true in reality.

You see that all the time on here. So many are experts in statistics because they read it on the internet.

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Curious as to how someone would know this blanket statement is actually true in reality.

😂 This is not the varify with hard core facts and links thread. Are you sure you posted in the right place?

 

This is my opinion and direct response to the original post subject of apology letters.

.Don't like it, oh well. 

[pepperbird2]

21 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Curious as to how someone would know this blanket statement is actually true in reality.

If one looks at it from the other perspective, it's understandable that they might see them as crocodile tears. I'm not saying that's what they are, just that's how they may be interpreted.

[Uruktopi]

21 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Curious as to how someone would know this blanket statement is actually true in reality.

It´s not abut mind reading, as actual truth is not what minds hold as true.

But about what factually happened versus what was once said.