In love with the other man

[GiGi808]

My backstory is that my husband of 8 years has been unfaithful for about 10 years, see how I did that? True freaking story. It was torture and I stood by him through it all and forgave him for years. This summer, after miscarrying twins at the onset of the COVID pandemic btw, he cheated again IN OUR HOUSE. So I told him, let's just have an open marriage. I'm tired of the lying and I'm tired of feeling not good enough. So I told him I met someone on a dating site and we chatted a little and met once which included a hug. NOTHING like what I have put up with in this relationship. So, he says he can't deal with it. The thought of me even hugging another man makes him sick and he will do better, whatever he has to do to keep this marriage alive. So I tell him that I don't see this guy again , which I totally intended to follow through on. However, one day I really got to thinking about how much he has hurt me over the years and I started bawling my eyes out. And I call the other guy. I fall in love almost immediately but the other guys seems ok with keeping it casual so we just kind of hang there in the balance. Fast forward 4 months. The other guy tells me he loves me, like REALLY loves me, but doesn't want to come between me and my family (we have a 9 year old son) and that he doesn't think we should see each other again. I'm immediately struck by intense emotions and tell him that I want to leave my husband for him. Why did I say this? Probably because it's true. This literally just happened today. This man is not an ideal partner. My current husband isn't either I suppose. My son is autistic so I don't know how he will take all of this and that worries me so much. AND the real kicker is that we have just gone through IVF and have 4 perfect embryos waiting to be transferred in January. WTF do I do here? I need some real advice please. I am not a horrible person, I have been faithful throughout this whole ordeal until now. I love my son so much and I would never want to hurt him. I really don't know what to do. 

[Wiseman2]

If you don't want to be with a chronic cheater, divorce is a better option than revenge cheating.

Why bother? Your marriage is unhappy and stressful to you.

Are there cultural, financial or other reasons you stay married under these untenable cirmstances?

[GiGi808]

My husband has been the caretaker for our son, especially important during these times as our school district is still all online learning. Otherwise, honestly, I don't know why I'm still here. I appreciate your comment on the revenge cheating also. I definitely don't want that to be the thing that breaks this marriage up of course. 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, GiGi808 said:

My husband has been the caretaker for our son, especially important during these times as our school district is still all online learning. 

Is he a SAHD? It seems like practical/financial reasons that you are together.

So you both want to stay married for beneficial reasons but the marriage is dead, so you both take on lovers?

[GiGi808]

My husband has been the caretaker for our son, especially important during these times as our school district is still all online learning. Otherwise, honestly, I don't know why I'm still here. I appreciate your comment on the revenge cheating also. I definitely don't want that to be the thing that breaks this marriage up of course. 

[GiGi808]

Well for the last 2 years he has taken on lovers yes, I even cooked dinner for one of them. But as soon as I said it should go both ways he lost his mind. Such a double standard. Which I told him, and he didn't care. 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, GiGi808 said:

Well for the last 2 years he has taken on lovers yes, I even cooked dinner for one of them. 

 

Are you in a polygamist cult or some sort of polyamory situation?

If discussing outside lovers is uncomfortable, don't do it.

Your arrangement seems to work for your childcare needs and other practical reasons 

If you both have lovers, but it's awkward, just don't talk about it.

[schlumpy]

Unfortunately you have a set a pattern with your husband that you will stay no matter what indignity he heaps upon you. It seems as if you have finally reached your limit but the woman you have been for the last ten years is still the role model you are relying on and heavily influences your thinking.

If cheating is a deal breaker for you then the first time he was caught you should have been talking to a lawyer. Instead, you invested more time and effort into the marriage with children and end up fixing breakfast for his girl friend. That raises all kinds of peripheral questions that only therapy can answer. What rampant disrespect he has displayed for you and I am shocked and saddened that you accepted it.

Now you have a lover which is one more wildcard in play and another complication to juggle.

Just stop and reset your life.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I sense that you want a traditional marriage with monogamy as part of the foundation. An open marriage would not work for you because you get attached. You don't see sex as recreational and not a part of love.

To be happy in your marriage your husband will have to stay within whatever deal-breaking boundaries you want to set up. If he won't, then you have to take action to preserve your integrity and self-respect. That means filing for divorce.

Once the divorce is finalized you will be free to turn your attention to your new boyfriend and try and make it work. Don't be surprised if it doesn't. Lovers that are used to lapping up the cream of a relationship will many times go sour when deeper involvement has them taking out the garbage.

This is about others respecting you and that includes your lover.

Don't sink deeper into your husbands fantasy world. It only works because you are enabling it.

Re-establish your self-respect and for God's sake quit having children with your husband.

 

 

 

[Amethyst68]

Why would you go from one liar and cheater to another man who is just as bad.  Someone willing to get into a casual affair with a married woman is not really a good prospect for a faithful monogamous partner in the future. 

[Milly May June]

I think you are coming to terms with that your husband is not your happily ever after and that you deserve a better faithful romantic partner. It appears that you do not want an open relationship and that you suggested it to not be layed to and go through D day after D day. I am so sorry that you saw that as your only solution.

My take on this would be to tell your husband that you dont see a future with him as a husband but as a coparent to your son. Make plans to separate in a way that is best for your son. And do it soon. Get your ducks in a row and excecute the plan. Choosing to put upnwith 10 years of serial cheating must be soul crushing and life is too short to waste on people who have it in them to hurt you like this. This other man has opened up your eyes to the possibilities out there. I would not advise having a RA. Its hard to resist but it will not make you feel better or it will at least give your husband more fuel if things get messy. 

Edited November 26, 2020 by Milly May June

[mark clemson]

Why would you bring another child into this unhappy current marriage via IVF or other means?

I think you're transferring your trauma-bond with your husband to the OM, a perceived safer partner, with this instant falling for him stuff. That's armchair psychiatry and worth exactly what you're paying for it, but just might be correct anyhow.

IMO there's no right or easy answer here. You need to really ponder and sort though what you want and whether to stick with the ongoing disaster (current marriage), take a gamble on the OM (and it IS a gamble - a big one), or walk away from both relationships, get some therapy, and look for a healthier relationship than either is likely to be with less baggage (IF you think you're likely to find that).

[Buffer]

Just D. Set up a care support for the only person who has no say, your child.

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to end this marriage. 

It's been broken for a long, long time. The other man is not your future either, though. He's made that clear. You are going to need to get your ducks in a row and learn how to stand on your own two feet without a man around, at least for a while. You are likely to wind up with a bad seed if you try to date while you're married and this vulnerable, so I would focus on ending the marriage first, re-establishing yourself, and then think about dating. 

And don't have another child with your husband. 

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you have an open relationship if you are inviting his lovers to dinner. Unless you are in a polygamist culture.

So why not have lovers of your own? If he doesn't like to hear about them, don't say anything.

Open relationships are difficult to navigate without some sort of resentment and jealousy arising.

Edited November 27, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Pottering About]

Can we talk about children here? How important are these 4 embryos in IVF to you? Is your desire to have more children more important to you than anything else? The reason I ask is you tragically lost twins knowing that your husband had been a long term cheater.

If having more children is more important to you, are you able to put up with your current marriage long enough to have more babies and then sort out whether you stay, go or take on affairs.

I think you need to be self-focused here and strive towards what you want. It is about time you put yourself first and, if you want more kids then use WS as a sperm donor.

If you don’t want more kids, then what is it you really want for the future? Would you be happy to have a co-parenting relationship with your husband? The OM should give you a real boost. He obviously found you attractive so take positives from that when moving forward.

Do agree with others that you need to re-establish your own self respect and re set your own goals but please do it for you and what you want, not what you think you should be doing for your husband, OM etc. 

[GiGi808]

I greatly appreciate all of your responses! I have told my husband that I want him to leave. I am still seeing the OM though although we have decided not to cohabitate until I'm divorced officially, so that gives us a lot of time to see if this is really something. Only thing that's still a little up in the air is my frozen embryos. I was just at my clinic today discussing things with my doctor. I feel in my heart that I should have these babies no matter what the situation with either man. It's not all about them, it's about me and also my son who I want to have a sibling. Feeling like the universe is guiding me in the right direction. 

[Amethyst68]

If your husband is the father of the frozen embryos it's not just about you. 

[pepperbird2]

6 hours ago, GiGi808 said:

I greatly appreciate all of your responses! I have told my husband that I want him to leave. I am still seeing the OM though although we have decided not to cohabitate until I'm divorced officially, so that gives us a lot of time to see if this is really something. Only thing that's still a little up in the air is my frozen embryos. I was just at my clinic today discussing things with my doctor. I feel in my heart that I should have these babies no matter what the situation with either man. It's not all about them, it's about me and also my son who I want to have a sibling. Feeling like the universe is guiding me in the right direction. 

Please don't bring any more children into this situation. Get it sorted first, and when you're in a good place, then consider having those babies.

[notbroken]

Don't be surprised when the new guy turns out to be just as bad or worse than your husband.  If you divorce, take the opportunity to get rid of them both.  Find someone who is not fundamentally a cheater.   You need to work on yourself too quite frankly.  Now YOU are also lying and cheating and you need to address that within yourself.   It can become habit forming.   The internal justification for it is not healthy/good for you and should be addressed before you can really have a successful relationship.  Like others, I really do hope you don't bring another child into this mess before it is resolved. 

[ctdans]

How tragic.  You stay with a guy who cheats, you start "dating" with a guy who knows you are married, you have a son who needs special care and attention in a loving home, you have 4 embryos waiting which are also related to the long term cheater.  

Keep them frozen, please, and seek professional guidance.  You need to do this for your son and yourself.

 

 

[25andcounting]

Is your husband on the spectrum? He sounds similar to my Aspergers Husband of 29 years.  He has cheated twice and has no feelings about it whatsoever.  Also no empathy.  He’s not an a**h*** he just processes things differently.   
 

I caution your about jumping to the other man. He has allowed you to be unfaithful to your marriage vows and that speaks a lot.    
 

Please do tread carefully about the embryos.  They belong to your husband too.   If your husband is on the spectrum and your son is autistic, there is a good chance one of those will be also.   I say this not because of that, but because of the care requirements may force you to still rely on your husband for help and possibly even pay him child support or alimony.   Your older child may also have problems adjusting to his new life.   Give it some time.